Sick of my lazy daughter!

[Shellybobs33]

Hiya I am new here and this is my first post. Really need some advice.

I am mum to a 14 year old girl, She is a really good girl most of the time, gets a bit lippy when her friends come round. She never goes out anywhere and we always have to take her everywhere we go, We rarely get anytime on our own. She is a very polite child and caring to a certain extent

The problems we have with her is pure laziness, I am totally sick and tired of it.

She never puts anything away, she does nothing in the house, she leaves EVERYTHING around for me to move. wet towels, etc, she borrows all my stuff and never brings it back, she never brongs her washing down and drops food on the kitchen floor for me to move.

She isn't doing too well at school because she just cannot be bothered. My husband and I help her so much, we sit and do homework with her, we try to teach her what she can't understand. I laise with the school all the time to try and get her to do better. To no avail. She brought home her pre gcse science results yesterday and wouldn't tell me what she got, she said she didn't do well and ripped up the letter so small I couldn't possibly read it.

Her bedroom looks like a bomb has hit it, clothes everywhere, dvds, videos, papers, glasses, plates.

She lies around watching tv leaving a mess everywhere she goes, she pays no attention to what my husband says.

Now I have taken her TV away and her computer, I have told her I do not want to speak to her and last night I actually burst into tears in front of her and told her how depresed she was making me.

I am partialy disabled after an accident some years back and I have serious back problems, I have to go to the hospital every month and live in pain every day. So picking up after a teenager is not something that makes me feel better. Also we live in a rented house at present as we have moved across the country. I try to explain to her that this is not our house and I worry in case the landlord will come round and kick us out. even though our landlord is brilliant and certain he wouldn't.

I just do not know what to do with her. apart from take all her priveldges away. I have tried to be a really good mum to her and I love her so much, I tell her I love her all the time, I hug and kiss her everyday and pay attention to what is going on in her life, I feel she can really talk to me about anything, So what have I done wrong?

Feel like a failure!

Michele

[misdee]

you know what i would do?

if she doesnt have a washing basket in her room, then get one. tell her to put her dirty clothes in it. then on xxx day it must be bought down for laundry to be done otherwise it wont get washed. if she doesnt bring it down then she doesnt have any clean clothes to wear. that goes for school uniforms, underwear everything!

tell her she must bring crockery down othersie you will not allow any food or drink in her room. at all. no negoation.

draw up a small rota for thew whole family, just one small job a day for her to do (washing up, hoover the longue etc) At 14 she is old enough to take some responsibility, and pull her weight around the home.

I cant help with the school stuff, but some kids just arent great with academic stuff, so dont sweat it too much. what does she want to do when she leaves school?

basically, do not pick up after her.

[ggglimpopo]

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[ggglimpopo]

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[Shellybobs33]

Hello
i have done all that, She has a washing bag for her washing and she throws everythgin on the floor, she brings it down eventually and there is then around 7 piles of washing for me to do.

We did a rota for her askin her to do simple jobs around 3 a day. she washes up after we ask her over and over again and then she doesnt do them properly. so one of us has to rewash everything.

She is a thick child she is capable of doing really well at school but she just cannot be bothered. I do not want to her work in a menial job, I was brought up on the dole as my dad got made redundant later in his life and could never find a job after that, We had nothing and I got bullied for it at school and I do not want that for her.

I do not want to wash my hands of her I want ot help her, but I feel like I am fighting a losing battle

Michele

[fairyjay]

We all try to make life good for our kids, but there comes a time when they have to start giving as well. My dd is 12, and we're having to be quite tough on her at the moment. It can be hard, because you hate to see them upset, but they have to learn to be considerate, and think about other people.

Taking things away seems to work best for me - with my son it's his playstation, with my daughter, her mobile. The other thing is sticking by what you say - even if you've over-reacted. I've said to my son before now that, yes, I was being too tough, but having said it, I'm sticking to it - hoping he'll learn that we all make mistakes - and that life isn't alway fair.

It's time for your feelings to be considered.

Good luck - I know that some mornings when even getting off to school seems such a big deal, a shadow hangs over you for the rest of the day.

[Shellybobs33]

Things not been very good in the past, I have had a very traumatic life, and her real dad is a tw*t.

I remarried the most wonderfullest man 3 years ago and he is brilliant with her,

Her real dad has nothing to do with her. which I know is very painful and I do make allowances for her.

She is not an only child but her older brother lives 120 miles away. mind you he is a bit lazy but is very academic.

We have been very close all her life, and she is my little girl she knows this. My husband says I have been to soft on her, and I should toughen up.

[Shellybobs33]

Thanks for all your advice

I will stick to it but I do have gulit feelings.

I have gulit feelings about my own life so....

[ggglimpopo]

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[Shellybobs33]

Thanks GGG

She can be good because she was good a few months back when she wanted a rabbit LOL

She did jobs she was polite

she does say though, "Mum I am so scared of dissapointing you" so what are you doing now!!!!!

I have just been upstairs and left a roll of binbags on her bed. I have noticed she has brought all her glasses and plates down must be coz I told her off this morning....

[stleger]

I have a 12 year old dd like this and a tidy 14 year old ds, opposite behaviours to what I'd expect. Dd has always been the reader, but yesterday her English homework was so bad she had to do it again - messy and stupid answers. She has a clothes basket, but odd socks don't go in it and it lurks in her room for weeks if allowed. It does seem to be incredibly common behaviour, and I don't think it reflects on your parenting at all! I have come to the conclusion that some teenagers don't see their own mess - and dd loves those decluttering tv programmes mostly because she'd love to import a lot of the junk.

[ggglimpopo]

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[ThePrisoner]

I have 3 dds, eldest is now 21. Been there, read the book, seen the film and still wear the T-shirt on occasions.

Don't do anything with her bedroom (best not to even look in there). Let her live in her own mess!

I certainly wouldn't do her washing for her at all whilst she is like this. She is old enough to operate a washing machine by herself.

My own dds reckoned I made it all up - how much I was doing for them - and said they would easily be able to look after themselves. They made their own meals, did their own washing etc. It didn't last long.

We've never hassled ours about schoolwork, but that was only because it was one thing they've always applied themselves to. I have never ever had expectations about what they should achieve academically (a problem for me as a child), and they've been allowed a bit of a free rein as I've always been scared of pushing them. Thankfully, their one and only sensible gene in their brains kicked in for school/college/university.

[brimfull]

my 14 yr old dd is soooooo lazy,

What pisses me off is the "sorry" in a pathetic voice,It means nothing she never changes

[brimfull]

have just read this thread,,,my dd is okay re,schoolwork.Sorry don't know what to suggest there as you are already liasing with the school.

MOst kids are lazy re. their room, unusual if it's tidy ime.


we expect our dd to do chores,in return for getting lifts etc.

[Auntymandy]

I though it was just me that had lazy children!!!
Simple things like putting away what they have finished with would make life so much easier!

[Tortington]

she should wash ehr own stuff at 14 especially if you find it difficult. its not rocket science is it? my daughter can and shes 12.

re school work - dont worry. if she cant be arsed - theres no upper age limit to learning. when she leaves school and gets a crappy job - she can always go to college - and at that time she will want to - no one will e forcing her.

no food in room at all

i would also say - dont expect things to b doen. unless your explicit with instructions it won't get done.

my daughter was off school with bacterial tonsilitus - all last week. thing is - she wasn't ill, she just couldnt go to school.

so every morning before i went to work i told her i wanted the kitchen sides doing and the front room and dining room floors swept.

i dont think thats unreasonable.

also we each wash our plates after a meal. with the exception of the person who cooked. they give their plate to someone else to wash.

i also ask that they each wash 2 items as well as their plates, one must be a pan.

[Auntymandy]

I must get firmer