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Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenagers

Problems with DS2's girlfriend WWYD? (typed this out and it's very long - sorry!)

21 replies

lilibet · 08/12/2011 22:13

Ds2 is quite an old 15, he has been seeing his gf for over a year, she is 15 on Saturday. Let's call her Kate.

All the family love Kate, she has had a difficult upbringing and doesn't seem to get on with either of her parents all the time,they have lived apart since she was 6, as have ds's father and me, she is very comfortable here and spends a lot of time at our house. She is clever (predicted A's, she buys her own books to study, she is very driven and determined that she won't end up with no qualifications like her parents), friendly, polite and very pretty. She does however suffer from depression and sometimes self harms.

She hasn't liked either of ds1's girlfriends that have been on the scene in the past year. Ds1 is 18. They all attend the same school which is also a 6th form college. She says that both of the girlfreinds have spread rumours about her. Ds1 has been with his current gf about 4 months, I will call her Laura.

She planned to spend her birthday evening here after spending the day with her mum and I had promised to make her favourite tea for her. Ds1 has now said that him and Laura will be here on Saturday night. Kate is really upset about this, has been sobbing all day that her birthday is going to be ruined. She has told ds2 that she wants to hurt herself she is so upset. Kate and Laura are both usually here with all the family on a Sunday, so it's not as if this is a first.

I refuse to tell Laura not to come as I will not play favourites, dd who is 23 and treats Kate as the sister she has never had has told her that she is being unfair to me.

WWYD?

And thanks for reading so far!

OP posts:

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NatashaBee · 08/12/2011 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

choccyp1g · 08/12/2011 22:36

Has it occurred to you that she is in love with DS1.

lilibet · 08/12/2011 22:52

Choccy - no, she isn't, her and ds2 split up a while back (for a day or two) and she was hysterical and self harming. She probably relies on him for emotional support a bit too much.

They are very different boys as well.

Dh says that she is very possesive of us.

OP posts:

mrsjay · 09/12/2011 09:57

sounds like kate is being a bit princessy and adores your familiy to the point of hating your other sons Gfs , she likes the limelight you are giving her , yes she may be driven studious etc but she is still only 14 well 15 soon , and 15 yr old girls think the world revovles around them and everything is a drama and they like to cause drama sometimes ,
ID perhaps hold back a little bit your ds1 is entitled to bring his gf home too and she must accept that , Ignore her demands and strops of stories of not getting on with her parents I may sound harsh but she does sound a lovely girl but used tog etting her own way

mrsjay · 09/12/2011 09:58

Is she getting help with her self harm ? i forgot to ask in my post

choccyp1g · 09/12/2011 10:07

Sorry for jumping to conclusions, but perhaps MrsJay has got it better than me, it sounds like she wants ALL of you to herself.

teenswhodhavethem · 09/12/2011 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 09/12/2011 10:14

Poor girl, she's clearly very troubled. But poor boy to have her as a girlfriend. Aren't they a bit young for all this? They are children.

Hassledge · 09/12/2011 10:14

Kate may be lovely but she doesn't sound very mature. Is she seeing anyone re the depression - is she on ADs? Does Laura seem the type to be spreading rumours about her?

Stick to your guns - you're doing the right thing. And maybe think about de-investing emotionally a little bit. I know from bitter experience the pitfalls of getting really fond of a DC's boy/girlfriend and then really struggling when they split up. DD had a BF who became part of the family - when he let her down I sort of felt he'd let us all down; it became far too big a deal for me. Be a bit careful.

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 09/12/2011 10:19

So your son has been going out with this girl since she was 13? My eldest son had his first girlfriend at 17 and he was one of the first among his peers to pair off. And we don't live in Cranford.

difficulttimes · 09/12/2011 17:07

Tbh I Think its pretty sick how she milks the issue of SH to essentially try and lay down the law in your own house, she should have more respect.

Unfortunately she has to learn how to deal with people she doent like in a adult way not a spoilt child.

However, could perhaps reassure her that if Laura starts on her you will interven i.e not let anything bad happen. Maybe things have happened in the past and people didn't intervene when they should??

LydiaWickham · 09/12/2011 18:02

Stick to your decision. You can't show favourites amongst your DS's GFs, as that effectively will be showing favourites between the boys.

She sounds manipulative, and actually not a good person for your DS to be around. As selfish as it sounds, her emotional problems shouldn't be the burden of a 15 year old boy. He's a child still, it must be very hard for him to deal with, and making her 'part of the family' puts extra pressure on him to maintain the relationship (my cousin got to the stage of nearly marrying a woman who'd been 'part of the family' for nearly 10 years and 'virtually another daughter' to my Aunt, he didn't feel like he could end it when it had run it's course so it ended all very messily several years later than it should have done).

Yes, you will get a few people along who will tell you they married their 15 year old sweetheart, but the majority of people aren't with someone they dated at that age. She's probably not going to be around long term, and in the meantime, your DS2 will be trying to do his GCSEs with a needy girlfriend who threatens to self harm if he tries to get away from her and appears to have more control over what happens in his family home than he does. How does your DS2 feel about his brother's girlfriend? Does he like her? If Kate doesn't like what happens in your home, then she's at liberty to stay away.

She's a guest in your home, not a family member, you might want to remind her.

mummyflood · 09/12/2011 18:54

Spot on LydiaWickham. Exactly what I was thinking but couldn't assimilate my thoughts as articulately as that!!

I can understand you being fond of her - we feel exactly the same about DS1's girlfriend, similar age and 'duration'. But I do think you should heed the advice of others to try and step back emotionally from her, and perhaps try and gently introduce the points made by posters on this thread to your DS, especially the points made above by Lydia. He is a young lad who should be reasonably carefree whilst obviously concentrating on his GCSE years etc.

mrsjay · 09/12/2011 20:50

lydia you put it so well much better than i did ;

I like my dds bf hes a nice lad and they have been going out a few years they are 18/19 but im not attached enough to see him as part of the familiy , at 15 imo this couple are too young to be in that sort of serious relationship

RandomMess · 09/12/2011 20:55

Perhaps you can try and build a different kind of relationship with her as a friend, giving her the assurance that you will always have time and space for her even if (when!) there relationship runs it course.

I completely agree though she is a guest in your home and it's not up to her to decide who can or can't be there!

LydiaWickham · 09/12/2011 21:02

Also, been thinking about this since, you/your DH need to talk to your DS, make it clear that if his girlfriend ever decides to self harm it will never be his fault. Having a threat like that hanging over your relationship would be hard enough for an adult to deal with, for a boy of 15 it must be really hard to ever have an argument/consider ending the relationship/tell her she's wrong.

Sorry to be harsh, but you need to look out for your DS's mental health, other people's children's well being should not be at the cost to your DS's.

difficulttimes · 09/12/2011 21:37

Totally spot on Lydia, what I was trying to articulate.

lilibet · 12/12/2011 12:35

Thank you everyone, especially LydiaWickham (you have matured ever so well since your rash elopement).

I know that this relationship isn't ideal for a 15 year old boy, but I also know that to forbid them to see one another will do no good at all, I speak from experience on that one. At the moment both me and her parents always know where they are.

Yes, she is getting counselling and help for the depression and self harming.

Anyhow, she came, as she saw that we were not going to back down onthis one, she was slightly sulky, but at 15 I suppose it goes with the age.

Good idea to have a chat with ds2 about the self harming, I shall do that tonight.

Last year when dd (23 now) split with her boyfriend at the time, I had a little discreet weep because I had become so fond of him! They are back together now, but it's very difficult isn't it, they are like memebers of the family, sat around the tea table, watching tv chatting.

Oh they don't tell you all this at ante natal classes!

OP posts:

LydiaWickham · 12/12/2011 20:04

I agree that forbidding the relationship will probably just fuel it, but it doesn't follow that the alternative is treating her like one of your own.

good on not backing down, keep that up, she's got no say in what happens in your home.

good luck talking to DS2!

loopsylou · 28/12/2011 23:19

So what's going to happen if your DS2 wants to break up? Smae thing, he'll feel to pressured because she will threaten him with self harm. They only do it for attention, just ignore her a bit and she will realise that you are not her family

cinnamonnut · 29/12/2011 12:59

From the point of view of Kate, the way she's behaving is understandable, especially if she's had a difficult upbringing and suffers from bouts of depression. I've been with my boyfriend since he was 14 and I was 15 (now 17 and still together.) A bit of clinginess is normal.

Although it could be damaging with the self-harm and so on, no good can come of keeping them apart, like you said.

I agree that you can't just tell Laura not to come, but could you suggest to DS1 that he and Laura go out on the birthday, maybe for dinner together or something?

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