My sister's been going through hell with my niece, who is extremely bright, doing very well at school, popular, talented performer, musical, etc. Her parents have always, as near as I can tell, been textbook parents: they are clear and consistent about where the boundaries are, they are on the stricter side but not unreasonable.
Earlier in the year dniece had several life-threatening medical emergencies; not long after she decided she hated her parents and all that they stand for. (Imho, this is a reaction to the medical dramas, which analytical, thoughtful, articulate niece has never felt need to discuss .) But she has been increasingly vicious and rebellious - coming home with tongue pierced, etc. She went from wanting to do a dual degree in law/economics to wanting to quit school at the end of Year 10 and go caravanning round the country as a masseuse. She has said she's only waiting til she's old enough to legally leave and then she wants nothing to do with her family ever again.
Then she took one small, followed 2 weeks later by a larger, OD of paracetamol and has since been under the care of a psychologist. At the start of this month she was seen by a psychiatrist, which is protocol for an OD; in less than 40mins he decided that she needed ADs and offered this without discussion with dsis. Dsis, an RN, was against this on grounds that he couldn't possibly have made a correct diagnosis in that time, and indeed some of the evidence he used was deeply flawed. (For example, dniece complained of interrupted sleep patterns; dsis points out that she has itemised phone bills showing niece sending texts at 1 and 2 a.m., and that otherwise her sleep is just dandy.) (She was allowed to keep phone in room only after the OD.)
Dsis baffled; niece is still doing all normal social things, singing round house, bringing home the A's etc - she can even be quite nice, friendly, chatty, lovely to her mum - can she really be depressed? She thinks dniece is going through normal teenage rebellion, dressed up with her characteristic flair for drama. She can see that niece has been enjoying the fuss, likes having time off school and is enjoying battle of wits with therapist; Dsis and I both suspect niece is winning. I think this is all bluff and cover for deeper issues (near-death experiences) that have not been properly addressed. Dsis has been looking for another psychiatrist to get 2nd opinion.
Anyway. That background stuff is important, I think.
Then there's the relationship. He's 18 now, they've been together 8m but friends long before that, he has been through a difficult time thrown out of home a few months ago, my dsis always been very straight with him that she liked and supported him but she would kill him if he touched niece (not to mention the law). Because niece is such a reader, she thinks she is as mature as this kid and has not understood why she isn't treated the same. Apparently they used a condom, which broke, and it was the boy's advice to wait and see what happened instead of going for morning-after pill.
Dsis is completely devastated. Her trust has been shattered twice (by her dd and by the lad); she has tried so hard to balance between her values and instinct and niece's increasingly vitriolic, histrionic demands for more freedom. (Niece has always argued she doesn't drink/do drugs/have sex, so her parents should trust her more - and this was probably true until about 5 weeks ago.) Dsis is still in shock - has only known for 24hrs - but does not feel she can support her dd through this and sees only one option. Niece has already stated that if her parents give her a hard time about it, she'll emancipate herself. They are supposed to be going to family planning clinics tomorrow to discuss options but dsis is terrified that dniece, whose judgement she considers severely impaired at this stage, will only hear that she'll get gov't support for a baby and not realise any of the rest of it.
I am horrified and heartbroken for dsis, sorry and horrified for dniece. (Would also like to give her light slap upside the head.) But my gut feeling is that although dsis has done all she can - not perfect, by any means, but always striving to act thoughtfully, be informed, be open, etc. - you cannot make your child do what you want, and that it would be far worse, in the long long run, for either (a) all ties to be severed, (b) niece to feel she was pushed into a decision, or (c) niece to make a decision to spite parents. I know it's easy for me to say - it's not my child after all - but I don't see this as the worst fate that could possibly befall her. It sucks, for sure, but she's still alive and still here
Dniece has always said she likes me and admires me; dsis has always thought dniece was like me (bookish, critical, analytic mind, some slight indie hue - similarity ends there!). But she hasn't contacted me at all through any of this and although I did text her a few times, I haven't worked as hard as I should have. I'm thinking there's possibly a role for me here if I can get that door open, but I also feel the need to support my sister, I just would appreciate any advice at all as to how dsis and I can get this right...
oh and it's bedtime now, so it'll be a while before I can get back here. sorry to post and run!
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Just discovered 15yo niece is pg, in --nightmare-- tricky circumstances, it's v long but we need all the help we can get
52 replies
phdlife · 20/11/2011 10:34
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PaintYouByNumbers ·
27/11/2011 07:57
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