Teenage daughter pregnant. Disappointed, upset, angry WWYD?

[Downnotout]

My 18yo DD has told us she is pregnant. She has just started a 2 year course which would have set her up for life.

Her BF of all of 4 months is in the forces and will be going to Afghanistan next year, although he says he will stand by her. She was on the contraceptive injection but was ill a few weeks ago, had lots of anti biotics and ended up having an operation. Somehow in amongst all that she managed to get pregnant.

I feel so disappointed. For her, for him, for us as a family. It isn't good news. She is living away at college, we have signed a lease on the house. She will have to leave college and the house and we will have to continue paying til next September for it. As well as next terms fees of £4000. We have been killing ourselves to pay for all this as it was her lifelong dream to do this course/ job and now it's all for nothing.

I think she has rose tinted glasses on about life with a pretty house and a cute baby gurgling away in the background. Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

There is no way we can have her back living with us at home. Call me selfish, but I have brought three children up. My youngest is still only 9. Somewhere along the line me and DH were starting to think about having a bit more time to ourselves.

Yes she's 18, an adult. Old enough to make her own decisions. But I am filled with dread about it all. I am only too aware of the pitfalls, what might go wrong, if they split up etc. and I know she will need me to be there for her, to support her. But I just don't want it. I don't want the responsibility of it. I don't want to be tied to another baby and I wish so much that she wasn't throwing her life away and maybe ruining his. A baby is forever and at her age she has no concept of what that means.

[DooinMeCleanin]

She can continue to go to college you know? This is not the end of her life. Most colleges have creche facilities.

I was not much older than her when I had my first. My sister was the same age as her. She finished uni whilst juggling pregnancy and childcare. It's not the 1950's you know. Young unmarried women who have babies are no longer frowned upon by most people.

I understand why you are upset but your daughter needs you to be supportive for her now and to help her make the right choices, which or may not include staying on at college.

[tooearlymustdache]

Join me here in shaking your heads and thinking about the reality of being alone with a baby, not having slept for weeks, your partner away at war and having to spend your last ten quid on a packet of pampers.

no


i will tell you to stop being so fucking selfish and think about ways around the problems as they arise

[lollipoppet]

Possibly controversial but... is she definitely keeping the baby?

Try to discuss all the options, she has the world at her feet and plenty of time for babies a bot later in life when the time is a bit more "right".

Can understand your disappointment, hope you're ok x

[fivegomadindorset]

She is pregnant, not ill, why on earth couldn't she carry on at college.

[Indith]

I had my first at uni, finished my degree just fine. Plenty of others have done the same. Especially if due in the summer then she doesn't have to take a break. Of course having sucha tiny baby in childcare isn't ideal but if taking a year out isn't possible then that will be what she has to do and she will get through it. Having an unplanned baby while studying isn't always the end of things, it can lend a lot of strength and focus. When you look back on my grades during university then I got much higher marks after the baby arrived because I knew that I bloody well had to get down and study during precious hours between lectures while he was still at nursery and in the evenings after he had gone to sleep.

[GleamingHeelsSparklyPartyDress]

I am hoping that the OP has used MN to get deal with her negative thoughts and emotions and isn't actually saying this stuff to he DD.

DD definitely needs to talk to the College, she won't be the first student pregnancy they've had and will be able to support her, help manage the fees etc, let her take a year out after the birth if that's what she wants, let her work from home if she needs to for some of the time whilst pregnant.

It's not the end of the world or her life - it's just a bit different to the one you imagined!!

[Orangesarenottheonlyfruit]

OK, take a big deep breath, stop thinking about the what if's and start supporting her. Your grandchild is coming into the world whether you like it or not. Your daughter is going to need a huge amount of support and love and now is the time for that unconditional love to kick in.

Sorry to be so brutal but my mum stopped speaking to me when I got pregnant unexpectedly (at 27!) and it really coloured my pregnancy. Most women really appreciate their mother's at this time, so to be honest swallow your disapproval and be there for her and your grandchild or you will regret it otherwise.

[campergirls]

I am a university lecturer. Our top, prize-winning student last year had a baby midway through her course. There is no need for your daughter to give up college or move house.

[TheOriginalNutcracker]

I know you just said you didn;t want her back at home with the baby, but if she did move back home, could she not do a course nearer to you ??

[mrscraig]

What a shock for you. I think you can tell by the tone of your post that this has caught you totally unawares. It might be an idea to take stock, calm down and then start to rationalise.
I can completely understand your concerns about her being naive and too young to be a mother. However, she is not the first teenage girl to get pregnant and she certainly wont be the last. She will need your support and for you to be strong rather than condemning.

[HattiFattner]

First, take a deep breath. Better? These things have a habit of turning out OK.

So.....she can continue with 1st year of college surely? ANd stay living in the house until end of year (when baby arrives) - then decide from there. Like others have said, there may be creche facilities in college. Maybe there is a local course or a correspondence course where she could finish year 2.
There are options, you just need to be open about them.

You do not need to be tied to the baby, but you do need to support your child through this. There are many options, but ultimately you will want to make the best of a bad situation with this - start looking at ways she CAN continue with her life, instead of finding reasons why she can't live up to your expectations.

[mumblechum1]

I'm sure she'll be ok to finish this year, and then maybe she can take a year out and go back when the baby's one? Otherwise, unless it's an unusually full on course, she may be able to find a place in a university creche.

Honestly, this is so not the end of the world. I knew quite a few girls when I was 18 who were getting married and having babies and they all seemed to survive.

I think you need to be a lot more positive and supportive tbh.

[Thumbwitch]

Can't see why having the baby means she has to give up everything else - that's not usually the case.

I think you're overdramatising the "problem" here in light of your disappointment - try and see the positives and help your DD to deal with things by supporting her and not wringing your hands all over the place.

[Downnotout]

It's not a normal college. I can't say what it is but she will not be allowed to stay on. She has fought through thousands of applicants to get her place and she will be asked to leave. It is very specific training. She will not be allowed to stay in the house either, which she shares with 4 other students on the same course. I wish I could explain but daren't for fear of giving away what it is. Sorry that I have given the impression that I have Victorian views.

[ThatllDoPig]

Yes, she is going to have some tough times ahead. Do you want to help her with them, or do you want to add to them?

You have the choice.

[Pancakeflipper]

Bet that has been a shock for you.
It's a huge swing in the wrong direction of your dreamy dreams that you had for your daughter. But it really isn't the end of the world. In fact it will bring alot of joy to you (and probably some heart ache cos' that's life).

Grief for the shattered dreams and hope YOU had for your daughter. But then you have to face now and the future.

Then there comes an opportunity for you to support your daughter in a way that could be the making of your and her. She needs you and she needs support. You know it's not a rose garden.

It's not ideal but it's not the end of her life. She can still study. She can still have a bright future. She will have to fight, be stronger and work that bit harder.

And congrats to you DownandOut - you are going to be a grandma. Don't let your bitterness about your daughter cloud your love for the baby.

[becstarsky]

This has obviously been a huge shock for you. Probably a huge shock for her too - she was using contraception even if she wasn't 100% careful - plenty of older people have got pg because an illness/meds caused their contraception to fail.

Other people are right that she can still go to college. If this is what you want her to do, then you need to get her looking into what facilities, help and funding are available to help with this and whether the house you leased is still a viable option - it may well be. You need to tell her how much/little support you will be offering her, rather than telling us that you can't face how much you'll have to do - tell her how much you will do, and then just do that. She's not 'throwing her life away', she needn't move back in with you, they haven't split up so no point projecting that idea into the future, (and plenty of older parents split up - age is no proof against relationship breakdown), and this baby won't be your responsibility. The baby will be all hers.

I'm sorry for the shock you've had, and that things haven't gone the way you'd planned on.

[PoppadumPreach]

you absolutely entitled to feel a whole range of emotions as her mother. yes this will change the path of her life, but it doesn't mean the path can't go anywhere good.

however, the path will only go somewhere good if she has the support of her family. i must say that i find it surprising to say there is no way she can come back as basically, you and your DH, to paraphrase, "have done the parenting bit and now it's time to put your feet up". I understood that a child is for life, not just for the first 18 years. (I am a mother of 2 DC, albeit younger)

yes i have sympathies for how you feel, but i think you and your DH must STILL support her practically, emotionally and perhaps even financially as much as you can, without of course reliving her of her of her enormous responsibilities as a mother herself.

being a good parent - hardest job in the world.

[NoMoreWasabi]

But how pregnant is she?

[DooinMeCleanin]

So she can get on a different course or start an apprenticeship. There are loads of options open to her.

Why would she not be able to stay on at college? Colleges are not allowed to discriminate against pregnant women. They could only ask her to leave because of health and safety reasons.

[snailoon]

Is she absolutely sure she wants the baby? Has she talked to a doctor and a councillor about abortion?

[Thumbwitch]

Well then she may have to consider the alternative, if this is all so important to her. Or, deal with things as they are and readjust her life dreams.

[mrscraig]

OP don't apologise - it seems clear to me you are using this forum to vent. I think most mums would react with the same emotions - whether they would want to or not.
Are you certain the college will be as strict as you say - are there no ways around it?

[winnybella]

Yes, and what college would ask for the next year's fees, as you said in your OP, when they kick the student out year before because of her pregnancy?