His attitude f****** stinks!!! Aaaghh!!

[fartmeistergeneral]

I am so mad I could just go through and scream obscenities at him but I've come here instead, so apologies!!

Homework: bare minimum
Eating: can't be bothered generally (unless it's sweets or pizza)
music practice: you must be joking
sport: not on your life

I've just had another argument about homework. I know that at his age he's expected to do just that little bit more and he refuses to do anything other than what he's told (if he actually listens to what the homework is, which I doubt, and he certainly doesn't write it in his homework diary) - with the result he's done pretty dismally in the last few tests he's had. He's not bothered though and tells me the results without a care in the world.

He's always been a bit of a fussy eater, but the last couple of years he's got worse instead of better and now huffs and puffs at dinner time with big sighs as if he's being asked to run a marathon. Often doesn't finish and just sits picking at his food.

How on earth do you deal with teenage slothdom?? He's just turned 13. He does have friends but they generally just sit about playing computer games. He's restricted here but then just goes to his friends' houses and plays there. Not THAT often, only a couple of times a week, but more at weekends.

I can only see that either I argue with him on a daily basis for the next 5 years and we end up hating each other.... or I let him be, and watch him spectacularly underachieve.

[RoseWei]

Your DS has just turned 13 - that is very young. You want to do all you can to prevent (or reduce the likelihood of) serious study/behaviour etc problems in the future and there is much you can do. Set a framework - house rules, that sort of thing - ideally, discuss/negotiate with your DS and anyone else (old enough) in the home. Do it now!! I wish I'd set to when my DCs were that age - might have made life a lot pleasanter and easier for everybody in the long run.

But please don't think you'll argue with him for years to come - it doesn't have to be like that at all. He's young - enjoy each other's company - and show him, somehow, that the world out there is all the more exciting if he makes the effort now. I wouldn't worry unduly about the h/wk - perhaps he's struggling at school/gets very tired/has too much/doesn't understand what he's meant to be doing (that last may be a real possibility)? Can you talk to a sympathetic teacher? Really worth approaching the school.

You could be describing at least one of my DCs - but they're great kids for all that. Good luck - please don't worry that your DS will 'spectacularly underachieve' - it's not at all certain that that will happen.

[fartmeistergeneral]

Thank you, I was really wound up last night and maybe I'm being a bit pessimistic. Mind you, after all that, I was out for about 15 minutes last night and left ds1 to be picked up for music practice, when I came home he was sitting watching TV. Turned out his lift had arrived, and when he went to get his instrument..... he'd left it at school. Same as last week. I pay in advance, so that's £10 down the drain. He lost his bus pass last week too, and had to pay to get it replaced so I made him pay with his own money. Then later that day, he found his original pass..... on the living room table.

Very frustrating. I'm thinking of having some kind of timetable so that when he comes home from school, he has an hour of 'homework' to do, maybe 3 or 4 times a week. He really doesn't seem to get much from school, so I could just set exercises for him, or he could do revision.

I feel like I need to help him get more organised, but I can't be phoning him during the day to remind him of things. Eg, today he has to remember to bring home that instrument for practice tomorrow morning AND to hand in school trip money. Let's see what happens!

[fartmeistergeneral]

bump

[spendthrift]

It's normal at this age, i'm afraid.

We gave up on music lessons - he couldn't be bothered to practice, money down the drain. Watches TV and plays games far far too much, but I do try to limit - not till homework is done, for no more than a set number of hours at weekend. Bad temper, however, is often for DS a sign of misery at school or for some other reason - home is where he lets off steam. So then it's a question of trying to support. Things usually come out where we are doing something together - watching a tv programme (educating essex/the inbetweeners/the simpsons/the big bang theory); doing the washing up; driving somewhere: ie no eye contact, a few open questions from me casually interposed. We still get the rages but increasingly he's organising himself (a feature of growing up) although we had the bus pass problem last week too (down the sofa).

[fartmeistergeneral]

I guess it's just normal teenage behaviour but it's soooo hard! And as my dh gleefully says, the worst is yet to come! Agh!

[Jabbie2]

I just had my DD (12, 13 in Feb) parent evening.I said to her beforehand, what are they likely to say and she was spot on(sadly) It was o.k, but it could be better, she could be better.I was embarrased as her English teacher asked me how many times a week she read(she doesn't) I mumbled something about it being hard for her to find something she will be interested in(lame I know) Fact is, she can't be asked and it is becoming increasingly difficult to motivate her.Homework is the same, she does the bare minimum and nearly every teacher said she needs to expand upon her work.She is sloppy too which really grates on me, she never underlines things and the presentation shows she just isn't bothered.I keep telling her this year is important(yr 8) I know every year is important.I just find my blood pressure rising which I know isn't good I would just like her to try you know.If I could see her putting just some effort in I would be happy because I knew she was trying .I don't know how she manages to stay in the sets she is in if I'm honest.Her Science teacher just went on about her talking, I know that if you are talking you can't be listening, or that it's harder, apart from that it's plain rude especially if the teacher is talking!

At times I don't recognise the DD I worked so hard on bringing up.

[fartmeistergeneral]

I am exactly the same. Isn't it incredible how much they change....

My dh and I are educated, organised, motivated people. We are musical and sporty (not sporty at school though, that came later in life), I tried really hard at school and always wanted to do well. I was never top of the class, more above average, but if there was a test coming up I would try my hardest to do well. I know our ds doesn't necessarily have to be the same as us, or follow our paths, but I just don't recognise this lack of motivation or interest in doing well.

[Jabbie2]

I must admit I do lose interest in things very quickly and can be hard to motivate but I know from experience(truanted a lot in what is now the equivalent of yrs 7 & 8 and never really caught up) I am a teacher (supply) but primary. I have an immense amount of respect for these teachers and hate to think that my DD with her low level disruption(by chatting) could be part of the problem.Half the time she doesn't even seem to know what she should be doing.She says to me , but you did alright mum. I was a mature student but found it so hard.I worry that there won't even BE those opportunities for ours when they get to that age.I want her to get it right this time round, she has some, from what I can see, fantastic teachers.She has maths every day.I am ashamed of my knowledge of maths I am almost phobic, I am doing a foundation course for adults so that I can get up to re-sitting my maths G.C.S.E.I find teaching maths incredibly stressful, I don't want her mucking about like I did (when I went).She is in one of the top sets for Science, she is getting such good opportunities but obviously at 12 she is too young to see that , to appreciate it.

[3boys1cat]

I would recommend that you relax a little. Secondary school is a long game, and I think it's unliklely they will have a fantastic year every year. What you need to have is a productive Year 10 and a fantastic Year 11.

In Years 8 and 9 my DS1 (now 16) went through phases of just doing the bare minimum that he could get away with. He found it empowering when he was able to decide what subjects he wanted to do (in Year 9) and was then motiviated to do well in the ones he had chosen. he got great GCSE results and is now in the 6th Form studying AS Levels.

[spendthrift]

And KS3 is a funny old time for them. The change to secondary is traumatic; there are no public exams, hormones are heading their way. The problem is that we can see that if you get into good habits now, it ought to be easier later on; they may be more into the last minute thing. I too hate nagging and can hear myself screaming and nagging DS so we have tried to work out an agreement between us on what's important (basic cleanliness, homework, some help around the house and manners) and what's not. And I've pretty much given up on what's not... sorry, future partner of DS.

Jabbie, a huge plus point for your DS is that she understands herself and also what the issues are. It would be far worse if she didn't. One option, of course, is to ask her how she intends to approach the next three years: one friend has asked her DCs what their short term and longer term aims are - longer meaning within the view of the next 3 years; short meaning short...

[alemci]

My ds is similar as well. he has gone into Y9 and turned 14. He gets into trouble for being silly, does little homework, is disorganised, forgets to go to music lesson etc. he is disorganised and coasts along at school.


but he is actually nice to me as oppose to his elder sisters and is guitar crazy.

He likes playing the PS3 and watching tv. I tend to be more laid back with him as he is my youngest but get frustrated as he is quite bright.

[Dee03]

I think your ds is my ds lol.....

[froggies]

Mine too!
He's 15.... I have stopped nagging him, and retreated to the position of telling him my general expectations and reminding occasionally, then making him deal with the consequences. So far he has had to sort out the mess of 6 missing geography homeworks, explaining to the orthodontist why he doesn't wear his brace at night, writing the letter to resign from the regional youth orchestra, and to the visiting violin teacher at school when he decided to quit, and had his first 2 fillings ever because he insists on buying crap with his pocket money and not brushing his teeth, has had to put mouse bait in his room, and put up with the smell when they die in the Walls (that was vile!) as they love the food he leaves there etc etc....
There are moments of him showing a mature attitude... He goes to rugby, and has helped start a school rugby team, he got involved with a group at school and helped rally support for a sponsored event to support a local charity, he has joined cadets and attends it!
At home we have the same issues, he is allergic to soap, water and toothpaste, he has been known to wear last weeks school uniform on a Monday because he has forgotten where the laundry basket is, he raids the cupboards for the family snacks when he is home alone (he missed dinner after the last time), he needs surgery to remove him from the xbox (which he sourced himself because I refused to buy one).... He is bright but does bugger all when ever possible.... But he wants to go to uni.... His prelims start in 3 weeks, so I guess he will get the indication of whether he needs to work to get good grades, or if he can still coast just now (I suspect the latter, but the bump will be so much harder when he finally reaches the point when coasting won't work anymore), he has been warned...... He will learn, and if chooses to learn the hard way, then so be it... He has chosen that route since he was 2, I don't expect he will change just yet!