My 15yr old's friend

[tears4laughter]

My 15 yr old son has started hanging around with a 21 year old man. They have a shared interest in skateboarding but I thinks it's a bit strange. My son wants to stay out later and later and thinks I'm being unreasonable. The 21 year old is basically a squatter, has no real job and stacks of tattoos. He seems like an ok kind of person but not the positive role model I would like for my son, who needs no encouragement to be lazy. Please help I don't know what to do. Am I being unreaonable?

[ragged]

You need to gently get your 15yo to ask himself why the 21yo has nothing better to do with his life. Why is this 21yo the only one he knows who effectively lives homeless & achieves nothing with his life beyond bodyart. Yes he may have SN or be fundamentally harmless, but truth is, he's also a bit of a "loser" by most teen standards.

Re the staying out: your 15yo can make stupid decisions like that when he's older, too. Until then he's your responsibility & you're making other decisions for him.

I have a 21yo niece who chooses to squat & beg rather than grow up. I don't trust her, either. :(

[AMumInScotland]

It depends if your son is going to school, doing his homework, home for meals as expected, does his share of the chores etc. If he is hanging out with this friend instead of hanging out with other friends, then it's not that big a deal. If he's hanging out with him instead of school etc, then its a problem.

And it's up to you to set a time when you expect him home, depending on the hours you all keep during the holidays, and then a suitable time during school terms.

[tears4laughter]

Thanks both of you. My son is going into his last year at school and has dyslexia so struggles with school work. He is very good with his hands and I am trying to encourage him to do an apprenticeship (he would like to be a mechanic) as I know full time college is not for him and he will fall behind and drop out. I fear that he will think its cool to be a drop out like his friend. My partner and I both work hard so he knows that is how we afford the lifestyle we have, which is by no means lavish. How do I get him to develope a work ethic?

[ragged]

How does he get pocket money (or anything else he wants) at the moment, Tears? Some interesting advice.

[pictish]

Tbh, if he hadn't found this particular guy to hang out with, it would be someone else of a similar vein....

[tears4laughter]

Thanks again Ragged, there is some good common sense advice there. Pictish, why do you think that?

[ragged]

Teens are attracted to the idea of a no-work life, aren't they? No pressure, just chilling, I can understand that, too. Just keep gently pointing out the drawbacks... does this guy have a girlfriend? Does he have any nice things, clothes, gadgets, vehicles? Does he smell, does he sleep in a clean bed at night? Do any of his mates have body zoos? Do other people give him suspicious looks in the street? Etc.

[pictish]

Cos teens are often impressed by a slacker lifestyle in older peers. They see it as cool and free spirited, and grown up.

[ragged]

That's why he has to arrive at his own conclusion that he could choose that "free spirited" lifestyle, but truly it's not that simplistically cool at all. It's grown up to have your own choices, but not all choices are grown-up ones.

[tears4laughter]

Yes you are both right and my son does like the nice things in life and he knows you have to work to get them. His friend hasn't got a nice life, apparently he had a terrible step dad and had no option but to leave. A friend of his lets him sleep in a room at the back of his shop (quite sad really). I imagine having no one to answer to is quite appealing to a teenager. Pictish you are right and I will subtly point out the disadvantages of the situation. Oh and what are body zoos?

[ragged]

Body zoo=body lice, head lice, scabies, crabs, other crawlies that come with living rough!

[anewyear]

Would just like to addwhen I was approx 13-14, Through my neighbour, he was 9mths older than me, althougth in the same year at school, I met a gang of boys 13 - 19yrs of age,
These boys were 'bikers' I use that name loosley, they all had longish hair, wore black leather jackets, dirty, oily jeans, and quite possibly didnt bath for days on end, they looked bloody awful when I think back.

My Mum however, let them in to her and dads house (he didnt think much of it all bless him) let them sit on their sofa's, admitedly on news paper..lol and made them endless cups of tea and coffee and when she thought they needed it, fed them too.
She got to know them, in her home and at the youth club she used to help out at, was a surrogate mum/agony aunt as well to some.

They all called her Mum B. Even now 20 yrs on when they see her!!
I personally belive we need to talk and get to know our childrens friends even the 'unsavoury' types.

Im only at the beggining of all this, my eldest is 13 next month, and the last few years have been crap with him, but I hope he knows the door is always open and that Ill always be hear for him.

Just my experience.