Advice for dealing with a lazy, irritable, unemployed 19 year old?

(11 Posts)
sabi333 Thu 07-Apr-11 09:48:19

I hope this is the right topic for this since she very nearly isn't a teen anymore

I have a 19 year old sister who is currently unemployed, living at home and generally does nothing all day. She worked all last year but got laid off just when she finished training (and they had to pay her more). However its been over 2 months and hardly any effort to finding a new one - won't even consider hospitality or retail but hasn't really got enough experience to compete for admin jobs in her small town. Plus she doesn't really know what she wants to do.

My mother is sick of her - she is lazy, sleeps all day or is on the computer, doesn't pay board, brought home a big dog not suited to the house without consulting anyone, spends money on rubbish even though she has no income ... the list goes on. Plus she is always in bad mood and irritable, is only nice if she wants something and never lets anything go. Basically is hell to live with.

While we don't have the best of relationships, my mum wants me to speak to her when they come to visit me soon. I'd really like some advice for me (or my mum) in how to deal with her. Particularly as its hard to suggest anything without her taking it as a personal attack. Moving in with me is not an option as I share house. Personal stories are welcome as well!

Erm she is an adult

The answer is your mum tells her to pack up and leave

It's amazing how quickly she will find some motivation to work and function normally when faced with homelessness

sabi333 Thu 07-Apr-11 09:56:36

I don't think my mum wants to do that - there really isn't anywhere she can go. And for all her awful behaviour I still think mum wants my sister to love her, even just a little. Kicking her out would probably mean never hearing from her again as she would never forgive her.

But I will suggest it.

Pagwatch Thu 07-Apr-11 10:02:28

Your mother will not help matters bringing you in to it.

If she wants her daughter to change then she needs to parent her - making her take consequences for her laziness and bad behaviour.

If your sister has no money how can she be spending on rubbish or pay g for dog food?

Your mother needs to stop being wet.

Pagwatch Thu 07-Apr-11 10:05:23

If she were mine I would stop doing and cooking or washing for her. I would give her three days to start buying dog food and take responsibility fir the dog or I would start to find him a new home. I would charge for food and board..
If she is going to live at home then she contributes.

If your sister would really stop talking to her mother if she asked her to leave then your mother really should make her go. That is a pretty big sign that she doesn't care about anyone except getting her own way

sabi333 Thu 07-Apr-11 10:10:45

No idea re money. She must be using up all her savings (or applied for unemployment without telling anyone). Or borrowing money off friends.

Yes, I supposes its down to my mother. Shes never really had a strong personality though, not one for starting confrontations etc.

Pagwatch Thu 07-Apr-11 10:16:26

Ok. I think you would be better chatting with your mum than your sister tbh smile

It isn't necessary to have a confrontation. She can just say "we need to change things. If you are not looking for a job I need £x per week to feed you and pay the bills. And I think we need to sort out the dog because he is too big fir the house. What are you going to do"

If your sister then turns that into a confrontation then that is her choice.
Your mum needs to remember that she is not helping her daughter by letting her be idle. It is part of our job.
Hard I know. But has to be done

gingeroots Thu 07-Apr-11 22:00:16

Maybe be nice to her ?
Encourage her to have a routine ,keep fit ,help her believe it won't always be like this ,just take anything for now ?
Must be crap being given the boot just because they'd have to pay her more ,she must feel used and pissed off .
Perhaps she's depressed.
I'm pretty grumpy when I'm in a hole .

HelenKR Tue 22-Jan-13 07:08:48

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ajandjjmum Tue 22-Jan-13 07:34:20

Feel for your sister, but your Mum needs to get tough. Work out a routine, work out how she's going to contribute to the household, get goals in place for her, voluntary work. She has to be given purpose. Is there something you or your Mum could do with her - fitness class, nightschool class? I have a 19 year old DD who is a uni, largely because she didn't get a suitable offer of work. She's not loving it, but is doing two part time jobs (waitressing), so is earning a little bit of money for herself and learning. We still have our battles though! grin

Perhaps let her know the longer she stays out of work the harder it will be to find the job she wants. She needs to take anything in the hope it will lead to better things. She will meet new people which she isn't going to do lying in bed.

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