My 16 year old son says he hates me

(16 Posts)
jf2 Tue 05-Apr-11 20:04:54

I am feeling really desperate. My 16 year old says he hates me. He is so cold towards to me. He says he has hated me for years. Recently he has got really into his peer group and just wants to party all the time. I feel I am loosing him..maybe I have. I'm so sad and worried. He is doing badly at school too. When I try to talk to him he just tells me to go away, that he doesn't want anything to do with me. I have tried so hard to be a good mum, I feel a complete failure.

TheGoddessBlossom Tue 05-Apr-11 20:12:48

Couldn't not respond to your post. You sound so low, unsurprisingly. Does he blame you for something? You are an easy target. What do you say to him when he talks like that?

cybbo Tue 05-Apr-11 20:14:53

you need to read

'Get out of my life...but first take me and Alex into town' its the BEST book about teenagers and how to cope with them

Can get from Amazon

jf2 Tue 05-Apr-11 20:16:13

I am really low. I ask him if there is anything wrong and do my best to reassure him that I love him. I'm not sure what he blames me for as such - just being me. Thanks for responding. I've never posted before - a sign of how I'm feeling.

cybbo Tue 05-Apr-11 20:20:27

Dont take it personally. He is a stroppy teenager , esentially a toddler in an adults body

I think you can make some allowances for teenager hrmaones etc but basic manners cost nothing and should be adhered to.

Maryz Tue 05-Apr-11 23:46:05

I agree with cybbo. Take a step back, be a bit more pragmatic about how you deal with him. Don't let him see that you are upset, just be practical, saying things like "well that's a pity, because I still love you and want what is best for you" etc.

Don't whatever you do have a "poor me" attitude in front of him. Be sensible and practical. ds1 has told me he hates me for years, he hasn't let me hug him since he was about 2 sad, but there is no point me dwelling on it, I just get on with things and hope that at some stage in the future he will grow up and realise that our relationship does exist, and is important.

If you are feeling very down, find someone else to talk to about this, not your son. I can sympathise, but you have to in then end, just deal with it smile.

jf2 Wed 06-Apr-11 14:20:36

Thanks much appreciated. I am definitely going to take a step back. He started on at me again this morning and this was after I'd helped him with his homework. He says the most terrible things. But I stayed calm and didn't get upset. I've also ordered the book. One of the reasons I feel so upset is that I keep remembering that sweet little boy I once had.

gotolder Wed 06-Apr-11 18:02:58

I had to join MN just to say this. Between the ages of 16 and 17 my son "hated" me: told me that he wanted me dead, hit me and other very upsetting things. He had of course also gone through all the more usual teenage behaviours that most parents worry about but this one year was truly horrible (to the point that several family friends told me that he should be sent away - put in care etc.)
I suppose, in all, he was pretty difficult to live with for about 4 or 5 years but then became one of the kindest and most generous and FUNNIEST young men.
Somehow I knew that inside that angry hate filled teenager was still the little boy I loved and who loved me. Hang in there and go on loving him even when you dislike everything he says or does. (By the way he is now 47 and has teenagers of his own!)

jf2 Wed 06-Apr-11 22:48:36

Thank you so much. That really helped. It is good to hear that it will (hopefully) pass - I miss him.

VivaLeBeaver Wed 06-Apr-11 22:56:59

I can remember my brother being horrible to everyone at this age, especially my parents. He's lovely now and considerate to them.

TeenageWildlife Thu 07-Apr-11 18:19:25

My DS and I had been having some awful days. One day I said "You know, I put up with your nonsense because I know you love me and you know I love you, and one day you will apologise to me and say 'sorry I was such a little shit..' smile" and something just changed between us.
I'm not saying that since then we have been living happily ever, but it has made a huge difference.

Tortz Wed 18-May-11 12:27:08

I was just about to post an almost identical post till I saw yours. It is so hard to understand that my once sweet little boy is now so angry and full of hate. It is good to know that there is a good chance he will get over it one day. We just have to hang in with love and support I spose.

goldtinsel Wed 18-May-11 21:52:04

Grown up DS found a load of old MSN messages stored on an old computer and said...'I was appalling, I am sorry'. 6 words! Such a good message though!

usualsuspect Wed 18-May-11 21:57:08

He doesn't mean it ..he is saying it because its safe to say it to his mum because you will always love him and he knows that

he will get over it

jf2 Wed 18-May-11 23:30:50

Tortz, I feel the same..it is really hard when they seem to hate you so much. Mine is on a school trip at the moment..and 'no' absence has not made the heart grow fonder..he sends me pretty grim texts (goldtinsel's words are reassuring). I found all the comments I got so helpful..they made me able to get out of the door and get to work..rather than escaping back to bed with the sheer emotional exhaustion of it all. I also got the book 'Get Out of My Life..', it is very good. Yes, we have to hang-in but it is so very hard..but the good thing is that we are not the only ones who have been or are going through this.

goldtinsel Thu 19-May-11 06:49:09

DO hang in there and DO keep the texts on your phone.

I send DS his rude texts back at random times, usually months and months after he sent them to me. It entertains me smile

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