Our teenage son - what has gone wrong?

[bannockburn]

I'd really welcome your advice.
DH and I have long since lost control of our teenage son. Things began to go seriously wrong when he was 14. He started experimenting with weed, magic mushrooms and anything else he and his friends could afford between them. He was smoking and drinking both in the park and at home. We look after my husbands 90 year old mother who aside from being frail is not British and doesn't speak much English. DH and I would be at work and he's bring friends home and they's be noisy, drinking, smoking and climbing on the roof her room, scaring her. He was cautioned for attemting to steal alcohol from a supermarket and we know he was stealing from shops.
Following an episode when he disappeared overnight without telling us where he was going or who with we called the Police and reported him missing. He turned up the following afternoon with a friend having spent the night with someone we didin't know in Hackney (we live in SE London) whose father had provded them with alcohol, cigarettes & weed. Things improved after this episode - the Police were great and gave him a good scare.
However he was doing no work for his GCSEs and was bunking off school (10% 0f the first 2 terms of yr 10). We were called into school repeatedly to try & get him to work with the teachers. He was excluded for 2 days for swearing at a teacher. He eventually passed his GCSEs with mainly C grades (he's capable of As).
In 6th form he is still doing very little work. He's out almost every weekend and some week nights, drinking alot sleeping at other people's houses. He seems to be trashing his own future. He is already doing "soft" A levels because of his poor grades and will already have cost himself a place at the better unis.
The latest is that he has got invloved in some sort of insurance scam and has allowed his bank accout to be used for what sounds like money laundering. The bank has picked up on this and is investigating.
As parents we are reasonably liberal, we try to know his friends and are friendly to them, feed them etc. We've made every effort to support him at school etc. We're not perfect but I think we've been fairly good parents. DH is not English and can have stricter views than I do on some things and this has caused conflict, but other than that I don't know what's gone wrong. it is so stressful our lives are falling apart and we have to look after DH's mum and both our jobs are at risk of redundancy.
To be really rtuthful I just want him to get to university - several hundred miles away and not come back till he's grown up.
Sorry this is so long.

[Ihavewelliesbuttheyrenotgreen]

Does he want to go to University? What other options might he be interested in and can you help him explore these other avenues?

[HarlotOTara]

Hi, I am sorry you are having such a stressful time. I am a counsellor who works with teenagers and the sort of behaviour you are describing isn't at all unusual amongst the boys I work with. In my experience - and it is only my experience - is that it is normal for a certain amount of boundary pushing and experimentation to be going on. I am also coming to the conclusion that teenage boys in particular go through a mad couple of years and do the most stupid things that can also muck up their education - very few teens are able to think about the future in the way we do as parents. However, I also know that with a fair few there can be stuff going on that is making them unhappy so that drug and alcohol use becomes a big thing in their lives and some unhappy teens find it hard to focus on school - although some can also find work a bit of a refuge.

As you probably know, teenagers aren't always very articulate and are more likely to show how they feel through behaviour (as do we all I expect). Are you able to sit down and listen to him and find out how he is feeling? Not get frustrated or angry but just listen and try not to interrupt (easier said and done as a parent sometimes). Is he wanting more attention from you? He might be upping the ante in order to get more attention. I appreciate you have a lot on your plate and are probably incredibly stressed yourself.

several of my clients are bright have achieved lower GCSEs and have been kicked off their 'A' level courses. They are full of bravado but find it quite hard really. However, having had a few months of boredom and excessive playstation use they have now begun to think about what they want to do and one has organised a college course for next year. He is still young and exams can be re-sat.

Good luck!

[pinkchoccy]

Hi Bannockburn,

I don't know what supporting advice I can give you as your ds has started using drugs. I have been through exactly what you have explained in your thread. My son is 21 and he hasn't matured beyond 14 tbh. We still have a turbulent time with him. I hope you can stop your ds now before he gets too deep. My advice would be to change his friends that do this or it will never stop.
The priority here is to get him away from the drugs while he can function before it stops him from having a life.

[bannockburn]

Thanks all for your words of support. I don't think he still using - if so not alot - but the stupid self destructive behaviour makes me despair. We're still waiting to hear re the bank investigation .
Maryz - I'm so sorry to hear of your experience. Early on during this we had contact with CAMHS (Child Adult Mental health Service) www.camhscares.nhs.uk/ and they did help for a while. We were very lucky with the counsellor we saw - he had teenage kids of his own and was quite frank in what he said to DS. He didn't make excuses for his behaviour and give him alot of sympathy. Instead he tried to get him to think about the impact what he was doing was having on his own life and on his family. Once it was clear DS didn't have a mental health problem he couldn't see us any more. The level of addiction you describe maybe a consequence of some mental health issue or you could argue it is a mental health issue. Just thinking maybe you could find some help here. Best wishes - I know just how stressed you are!