dd aged 14 experimenting with cigarettes

[ScreamEagle]

dd is 14 next month. She tried a cigarette at the weekend when she was with her 13 year old friend whose parents allow her to smoke as they feel it is her choice whether she does or not.

I have spoken to dd about this and agree to an extent with her friend's parents. If she is going to do it, there's not much I can do to stop her. I would hope that having given her facts etc she will make an informed choice. Obviously i would hate it if she did and wouldn't want her to. I am torn between letting her make her own choice/mistakes and coming down hard on her on this one.

How would you handle this if it was you?

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[Zephyrcat]

Hi SE - To be honest I think it's a tricky one. 14 is about the time I tried them too but hated it. My sister is now 14 and has tried and most of her friends smoke although she says she doesn't do it anymore because she doesn't like it. Your way of dealing with it sounds spot on to me - sometimes reverse psychology is the best way at that age - ie the more you say 'No' the more they'll do it. At the same time there is the thought of if she continues to be a smoker will you wish you had clamped down. That's probably not much help is it?! I think if it was me, I'd do exactly what you are doing but make sure she's well aware of what it will do to her etc.
Hope it works out for you.

[M2T]

Well I started smoking at the age of 11 and TBH nothing my parents could have said would have made me stop. Perhaps the "I'm really disappointed in you" speech would have went down best though.
They didn't find out until I was 16 anyway. By that point I was way past the experimenting stage unfortunately.

You have a chance to help prevent her being a life-long smoker (and I believe that even when you give up you are always a smoker). Just make her see that it isn't even THAT cool anymore. Not like it was 10 yrs ago. She won't even be able to smoke indoors anywhere in a few months time.

Good luck.

[frogs]

dd1 is 10, so not been there yet.

But I think I would come down harder, myself. In the end, sure, you can't prevent them, but I would make it as difficult as possible to make it completely clear that I disapproved in the strongest possible terms. I might also feel the need to reflect that in the amount of allowance she was getting, on the basis that if she can afford to buy cigarettes, she obviously has more money than she needs.

But those are just my musings, regarding my dd. I can imagine circumstances where I would be more hands-off, eg. if the relationship was very difficult in other ways, or child was having other problems.

To me the friend's parents' reaction seems a bit of a cop-out. I don't think a 13 year-old is sufficiently mature to realise the full implications of her decisions. From the child's point of view her parent's reaction must look as if they're pretty much condoning her smoking.

[auntymandy]

I find parenting a teenager really difficult. Trying to get the right level of friend, parent. Wanting to hold them one minute and bash their heads in the next!!
I want them to talk to me and I want to give unbiased answers. I want to be 'cool' I want to 'chill' I scream, I cry. I shout.
My kids know i am there for them and they know my opinions. All we can do is guide and hope they come down on the right side. I would hate my 13 year old daughter to smoke. but if she did I would want to know. I wouldnt want her to sneak about and maybe set the house on fire! Talk to her. Explain how you feel. and sit back and hope!

[bundle]

I think for young people it's good to experiment but would feel anxious if this happened to me, because there's a history of lung disease in my family (dad has COPD) and maternal grandfather died of lung cancer.

I think it's worth emphasising the immediate effects of smoking - bad skin which ages prematurely and impotence (obv. for boys!) rather than lung cancer which seems a long way off.

However, stories like that of Deborah Hutton may provide food for thought, particularly as she'd given up smoking many years before her death this summer.

[Lonelymum]

My instinct would be to clamp down hard on her, but then she would probably carry on doing it behind your back (you can't possibly be with her all the time). I even think pointing out to her how much society disapproves of it (eg by mentioning the smoking in public places ban) wouldn't help as surely teenagers revel in going against what they see as boring grown ups.

Hope I won't be in this situation. I would be very upset if any of my children smoked.

[doormat]

screameagle when I found out that my 3 dd's were smoking (2 of them at one time when they were 13-14 I bought 40 ciggies, pouch of baccy and 2 strong cigars and made the 2 of them smoke one after the other, they thought it was fun at first until they went green and felt sick, 1 dd actually vomitted, I then gave them the cigars, they were horrified and puked
but I made them smoke them (what a cruel mum I am)
I hoped to teach them a lesson but it didnt work as they are still smokers

I tried this method on the third dd but again did not work as she is a smoker.

i know now that I cannot stop it but can only advise them of all problems assoc with smoking. I have a supply of patches, gum etc for when they are ready to quit.

[auntymandy]

would you stop her from going to school. Allow her to go without her uniform if you had thrown it away?

[Nightynight]

come down hard on her.
I agree with those who say, this is not something teenagers should be expected to make up their own minds about.

She probably hated her first cigarette anyway.

[frogs]

kama, in the end you can't stop it completely without applying measures so extreme that they put you squarely into unreasonable parent territory. Smoking is bad, but it's not worth pushing relationships to breakdown over it. In the end I would rather my dd was living at home and sneaking the odd fag than that she ran away from home, for example.

[marne]

My ss is 13 years old, dh said he would go mad if he found out he was smoking but i would have to agree that the more you say no the more likely they are to do these things, i would like my kids to be able to tell me if they were thinking of trying smoking or drinking. I think if you are to strict they will still do it but they just wont tell you.

[doormat]

kama what can the teachers do in all honesty, they will only be able to keep an eye out if a child is doing this on school premises and punish accordingly.

I agree that a child, teenager does not have an informed choice but does it through "peer pressure". They feel cool with their mates,try to look grown up etc

I am in no way condoning a teenager smoking but I have tried grounding (as in not going out at all without dh or I there), stopping pocket money, no xbox, got them to do household jobs as punishment etc but if they want to smoke they will find a way.
There will always be a child at the bus stop, in front of the shop, behind bike-shed etc waiting with a spare ciggie.

[lua]

SE, can I ask you how did you find out? If she told you, that means she cares about what you think.
Thus, your opinion might have some influence.
Agree that in theend she'll do it either way, and that coming down hard may help her do it just to be a rebel.
I tried cigarettes at 13. Liked it, but couldn't be arsed to give up chocolate money for cigarettes

Thinking about what would have resonated with him when I was a teenager, I would make clear that her choice to make, but that I thought it was a pretty stupid thing to do, and that I was disapointed that she wasn't smarter....

[auntymandy]

Would you stay with her at break and follow her around. It is unrealistic to think you can stop her! Its like the people who say their man wouldnt stray. These things happen and you cant watch 24/7 however hard yo try. You have to trust them and hope that your words sink in. If you say NO thay decided that they want to. If you say its up to you..where is the fun its not bothering the parents!

[PottytheVampireSlayer]

IME the harder you try to stop them from doing something, the more they'll do it ( or try to) just to rebel against you.

I think it's best to put your point across, along with all the health stuff and lay down some rules, like not smoking in the house, and not financing her habit. If she smokes, she pays and it means she'll have to do without other things.

Kama - no offence - I wonder how old your children are? I'd love to be a fly on the wall in a few years time to see how you are managing. . Give me toddlers over teens any day!

[auntymandy]

I have both now and yes a house of toddlers is much easier!

[doormat]

agree with you both there
teenagers are so hard to live with

[M2T]

Kama - No offence intended, but I think you are being a bit niave about this. I'm not a parent of a teenager yet, but I was one not that long ago and there was NOTHING my parents could have done to stop me short of chaining me to my bed..... if they had known..... but the didn't know. By the time they found out I was 16, earning my own money and addicted!!! And we all know you can't force an addicted adult smoker to stop!!!

[KBear]

How about finding the new adverts in magazines and sticking them on the back of her bedroom door - you know the ones with the white stuff oozing from the cig and the one of the lungs surrounded by smoke. I was a bit shocked at the signt of this (the lungs one) when I was reading a mag on the train the other day.

I started smoking at 15 BTW - total peer pressure, quit at 30 when pregnant. Gotta turn her head before she becomes addicted. Easier said than done though.

Subtle approach rather than ranting works best - if I recall from my teenage years. Make her think she is making her own decisions.

I don't think you need to have teenagers to have an opinion on this though - we were all teenagers once!

[weesaidie]

Ah ha. The old coming down hard on experimenting teens. Easier said than done in my opinion. No advice really I am afraid. I have smoked in my teens and have had the laid back and harsh approach - neither worked. I wouldn't condone it but I can't really see how you can stop them unless you never let them out the house.