help 13yr old caught shoplifting

[frogmella666]

don't know if anyone can help but just been in the cell's with dd1.
she was caught shoplifting with "a friend" (who got away).
i had to go to the shop where she was caught and then over to the police station and stay with her until she was charged and released.
i don't know what to do at breaking point.
please can someone help?

[BurnAfterReading]

what age is she and what was she stealing...

[BurnAfterReading]

sorry she's 13...my mistake

[controlfreakyhappyandnew]

how is she generally? what is your relationship like?

[frogmella666]

she's 13 and was stealing from an accessories shop(bangles hair clips)
in total it was over £20.
i try to give all my dc what they need all she had to do was ask for some money to go and buy a few bits and i would have worked something out

[KangarooCaught]

will probably be for the thrill and to impress each other, I'm guessing?

what's dd's reaction?

[frogmella666]

since my ds (15 adhd & asd ) stopped getting respite in oct 09 her behaviour has got worse. she argues constantly with me and her brother & sister at home and has been in trouble at school for arguing with teachers.
until then everyone including me would say she was the least likely of my dc to get into trouble and was as close to "perfect" as you could get ( she did have problems like all dc but she behaved most of the time)
she is a young carer but i have got her all the help i can she can go out with friends when she wants(within reason) i give her what i can when i can.
i just want the dd i know back and not what she has become

[controlfreakyhappyandnew]

think you're only option is to have a calm discussion and ask her what's going on, tell her you're worried about / for her.

[frogmella666]

i have had a word with her but all i get is i stopped her from going ice skating with her friends tonight.
we didn't get home until 7.45 it started at 7.30 plus i told her she was grounded.
even the school counsler can't get through to her. i'am hopeing the youth worker the school got for her can help find out what the problem is

[notskiving]

My DS had this in his first year of secondary. Trying to fit in and show off. Got caught for shoplifting in spar and also for taking £50 from my purse. He was excluded from school for 2 months for threatening a boy with a penknife.Spar didnt prosecute, but i spoke to police to support me, and he got taken to police station in police van by himself, we followed in car, he got 'scared' by them etc.
He was banned from all activities and grounded for two months. He had lots of jobs to do in the house (and i mean lots). He no money given by us for train to get to school. He cycled 6 miles there and back every day.
He had been my most lovely kind thoughtful caring nice child. He is back again. We had a rough year 7, but my lovely son is back again (currently year 9).
This was tough definitely, and he 'didnt know' why he did it, but did a lot of crying, and was sorry, and he is fine now.

[frogmella666]

thanx evey1
it is nice to know that i'm not the only 1 going through this and that i can get help and support from other parents who know how i feel.
i hope that this is last time she does anything like this but my ds txtd me that her "friends" at school are bigging her up.he has now got his friends to tell her how stupid she was ( i think he might have told her what he would do if she did it again)so hopefully i shouldn't be sitting in any cells again.
once again thanx for your replies

[RespectTheDoughnut]

A girl I knew at school was quite a heavy shoplifter, but not for want of material goods - her dad earned almost £200k & money was absolutely thrown at the kids, but that was in place of attention for the most part. She did it for the adrenalin, but also because she sort of liked getting caught. A bit like some teenage eating disorders stem from wanting to make people worry rather than genuine food issues. Perhaps try to make some regular time for just you & her, if you can?

[frogmella666]

i have 3 dc and try to spend at much time as possible with each 1.
ds has adhd & asd and i have lupus nephritis which makes me feel tired all the time.
what i have done recently is signed myself and dd1 up for parent and child bonding sessions just for us (will be leaving other 2dc at home) and she has just joined a street wise project where a youth worker takes her out helps her with whatever problems she has or just to talk away from home.
if it was done for attention i think it was to get attention from her peers at school.

[RespectTheDoughnut]

I wasn't trying to be accusatory - I don't even have a teenager, so I'm in no position to pull on the judgey pants I hope that you can get it sorted without too much stress :)

[frogmella666]

respectthedoughnut;
i didn't think you were judging me, what you said was valid, it's just that the s.s have told me to spend more time with all my dc.
i have to admit i would love to spend more time with them on a 1 to 1 but as i think most parents will agree there is not enough time in the day.
to make it worse the s.s who told me to spend more time with them has no children and even after the school and the hospital(she split her sisters head open) contacted her she still said there is no problem with my dd1 behaving like this.
now the police have refered her so they might just do something now.
but as you say she may just like the attention she gets from being caught.

[happygolucky0]

Hello Gosh how awful getting told to spend more time with your dc. I am sure you are trying your best like most parents do. Does your dc have chances to earn money? That is what I did when my dc stole some money from me. He gets pocket money every week 2.5 then has the chance to earn alot more. This seems to have worked for us (fingers crossed). I dont see what spending time with dc has to do with it really its about making them understand that it was not a right action. Explaining how a criminal recorded can stop people having a job, therefore not having money to loook after her kids ect. Hope she listens to you!

[frogmella666]

all my dc know if they do what they are asked they will get "paid". i only ask that they take turns doing dishes(me included),clean their rooms or any other mess they make and help fold and put away washing.
for this they have at least £5 a week but if they do more around the house they can get extra (money to go in town with,ice skating ect).
my other 2 dc have even done odd jobs for friends and neighbours to get a little extra but dd1 thinks all she has to do is ask.
she has been told that if she gets a criminal record she may not be able to get the sort of job that she wants (i told her she would be lucky to get 1 at all)and this has been backed up by our family,her school and the police.
i dont know why she doesn't understand like the other 2 do that you don't get something for nothing in this world.
but still as i was told 2day by my best mate 2 OUT OF 3 AIN'T BAD

[happygolucky0]

Sounds like you are doing everything you can frogmella666. Sometimes its kids being kids they have to learn from their mistakes, just like we did.

[disillussioned]

I found out my daughter aged 10 shoplifted in our local spar on sunday, while I was with her. It was later on that day that I found the item she had stolen, I was so upset I cried she could not explain her self but I think she knew exactly what she was doing as when I asked her she said she had checked if anyone was looking before putting the item in her pocket. She just kept saying she didn't know why she did it, it was a tube on mini eggs £1.00 in value, I had previously said she couldn't have them. I told her that when spar check the CCTV the police will come to the door and hope that this will put her off. I am at a loss of what else to do. Should I ask to see a child psycologist about it, she had previously stolen sweets and biscuits from our house and hidden the wrappers in her bedroom.