My 12 year old daughter seems to hate everyone

[Plezza]

hey everyone, this is my first time on here but i really need some advice.
My 12 year old daughter seems to hate everyone except me, she hates her younger brother, her father and my partner and i dont know how to resolve these issues with her.
I can understand her feelings towards her father, he used to have both the children 2 nights a week, but when he moved in with his girlfriend my daughter was very upset as she doesnt get on with her, so then refused to go, and her father didnt put up a fight and hardly sees her now even though he still collects our son every week, and i know children often dont get on with their siblings but i feel there is some resentment there cos he still sees their father.
The other big issue at the moment is she seems to hate my partner, (im now married to a woman) my partner tries hard to be a good consistant role model in her life, but the moment she asks my daughter to anything she doesnt want to do....like have a bath, she behaves like she hates her, but then at other times goes to her for a cuddle, and as far as i knew she always loved going to my partners parents house because they spend a lot of time doing stuff with the children that they wanna do, then last night she said she hated going there....I just dont know what to do :-( Please help xx

[sharon2609]

12 years old is a tricky age at the best of times and your daughter has a few difficult things going on in her life at the mo. I'm not surprised she's acting up. Spend time with her...just the 2 of you . I wouldn't bring up specifics but try and have a non judgemental casual chat with her.

[happygolucky0]

Hello I think you need to talk , talk and talk some more with your daughter. Not only is she having to deal with you and her Father spliting up but also issues such as her Father putting another woman before her feelings. Her brother being able to have a relationship that she is not probably makes her feel resentful towards her brother as she is not older enough to understand the situations the same as you do.
I grew up with a step parent and really hated being told by them what to do. I did not want to be told by them as I didn't feel they have the right to tell me. Them teeling what to do just put a barrier between a relationship until I had my own child and grew up !!!
Couldn't the Father be contacted and maybe arrange for them to go out somewhere without the new partner. I feel you need to help her re build these relationships eg with her Dad and brother then maybe work on the one with your new partner. Get a plan together and build it slowly. I think there is far too much for your daughter to handle on top of body changes that are happening for her right now. good luck let us know how things go.

[andig6]

hey there, stepdaughters, eh whod have them lol x
i have a stepfamily of 3, a teenage(15) girl, and 2 boys (10,13) i also have my own wee one who is 2, yeah i must be mad!!
i just need some advice whos not my partner, DSD and i have never really had a good relationship, her mum and dad had split up before i came on the scene, so im not the reason there not together, the 3 kids live with us full time and have done for the past 7 years, and see there mum sometimes at the weekends, so im a full time mum to the 3 of them.
everything is good, except DSD, she just launched her mobile at the tele, just missing her little sister (2) because i asked her to do something that didnt involve her sitting on her backside watching tele, this has been like this(bad) for about 7 months, her behaviour is mental, i thought she was gonna take a nearvous breakdown in front of me last week cause she was asked to go to bed an hour early,(very good reason for it) i know i know shes a teenager and its normal, but when ur a stepmum its soooooooo hard, i dont know what to do with her, i feel like the child and she thinks she is the adult, dictating to me!im the one that goes into my room when we argue, its got that bad, the atmosphere in the house is terrible, i hate being so frustrated by it cause im a really mellow, happy person but she seems to bring out the worst in me, her dad feel;s exactly the same way, i forgot to say, he works 12 hour days 6 days so he isnt around much to see what i put up with, any advice would be appreciated, thanks xxx

[happygolucky0]

Andig6 have you stole Plezza's post lol!!!! well done you for taking on 3 children. Very brave indeed. If its any help its soooo hard being a Mum to a teen full stop from my view point. She seems to have a anger problem though to be throwing a phone at the t.v. Maybe you could look at exerise or something to help her get rid of some of the emotions she has. I have a list of things that have been agreed with ds when calm so he knows what has to be done each day. You need to get the lines of communcation open some how between you both. Is there anything you both share an interest in to enjoy together without the boys invovled? Hope things improve for you

[Plezza]

Thanks for replying, i do try to do all the things you have all suggested, tried talking to her one to one, doing stuff on our own, and tried to get her father to take her out one to one for a few hours, but he refuses cos it would cause arguements with his girlfriend, so everything ive tried with him doesnt work and she feels abandoned and says she hates him and never wants to see him again.
As with my DD and my partner, most of the time its my partner asking her simple stuff like...how was your day and my DD just grunting at her like she cant even be bothered to even say one word, then that gets my partner annoyed and she then says to me...What have i done to upset her now?....for then im in the middle!!
This happened again last night and i got very cross and just told them both in no uncertain terms that im fed up with being in the middle of them and if they have problems we need to talk about it, well my DD got very quiet and my partner got very upset and said i spoke to her like a child, but i was just fed up with the moaning from both sides!!
I do appreciate being a step parent is probably harder than being a parent cos you never really have the same rights as a birth parent and probably dont get appreciated as much but im hoping its just her age and things get better with time and understanding. xx

[happygolucky0]

Hello Plezza sounds tricky with the Father (some girlfriend to not want him to have a relationship with his child!) Can see why your daughter doesnt like her!! It is a funny age my son doesn't want to talk much sometimes when asked about his day, even my Mum has commented on that. Then other times he doesn't shut up (when you wish he would!!)lol I just ignore it.( when he is grumpy and only grunts)!
I usually think if I had been at school having to learn some of the stuff they expect you to be interested in all day then I would probably be grumpy too! Your partner could ask her to be polite ( state want her need is) if you know what I mean so your daughter can try and correct the behaviour. Hope things get better for you x