*update DD3 16 & school *

[billie50]

we had a good talk with dd3 and school about her not wanting to go, we also have a parent helper who is very good, school have knocked off 2 of her options as she is too far behind to catch up to see if that will help with the stress before her exams (may).
She tried mornings and free periods if she got stressed, but nothing seems to help,
sometimes she gets stomache cramps, other times she is drip white and actually sick,:( this cant be the best way for her or us surely, she still insists she is not bullied at school, her 2 older sisters have talked to her, dd1 says she felt the same in year 11,

any ideas??? can they have a phobia for school??lol

[mrsheathcliffe]

Could you link to your original thread?

My ds loathes school, is also in yr 11 but doesn't try to get out of it, just grumbles constantly about how he hates it

[AMumInScotland]

School phobia is very real - sometimes there's a reason, like bullying or feeling you can't keep up, but sometimes it's hard to see what's behind it. I'd guess even if she's not being bullied, there are probably some people at school who make her unhappy, either pupils or teachers.

Would she be able to work at home with textbooks and worksheets so that she can carry on with her subjects, then just go in for the exams? They might even be able to give her a separate room to sit the exams in if being in a big exam hall would stress her out.

[billie50]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/1118580-DD-16-and-school

[AMumInScotland]

I would certainly try saying to the school that physically getting her there is just not working at the moment - from what you say, even when you get her there she develops physical symptoms and gets sent home, so she's not really learning anything.

Is the idea of exams as bad as the idea of school to her, or is it just the day-to-day school which is the problem?

If she's not too bad with the idea of the exams, I do think you could try talking to the school about geting work for her to do at home to try to get her ready to sit the exams. That way she can hopefully get some qualifications which will help with whatever she wants to do next.

[billie50]

AMumInScotland
i've tried talking to her, and she says she cant tell me what it is, co she doesn't know,she gets up on a morning and is dressed for school but when it comes to actually leaving to go she gets all panicky and feels sick:; this morning she ended up covered in a blotchy rash,:( so i'm sure she's not pulling "a fast one", have had another word with our parent helper and she says when she has picked dd3 up and taken her to school she goes white and starts shaking before she's even half way there,
PH is going to try convince school to let her do her work at home,
and i have made yet another app at Dr's ,for 2moro at 5-00pm,
so will let you know how i get on

[Naoko]

Billie,

I really feel for you and your DD. I only skimread your other thread (in a rush) but I felt I couldn't not comment. When I was 15-16 I had a similar thing. Going to school became gradually more and more of a problem. I would, like your daughter, get really stressed to the point of being physically sick. For the worst four or five months of it, I threw up in the bushes by the side of the road every morning on the way to school. I liked my school, I was doing very well academically, and I wasn't being bullied. It was, for all intents and purposes, a phobia of going to school. (which, for me, also extended to a number of other social situations - I didn't see the inside of a cinema for a good 5 years, I'd just get stressed and panic if I tried to go see a film).


Looking back, I think the problem for me was pressure. I'm a perfectionist, which is both an asset and a great flaw in my character - I never feel like I'm doing well enough. My results were great and all my teachers were happy, as were my parents. Still didn't feel good enough. On top of that, the social pressures of being a teenager in a school - I can be socially awkward and I just felt lost trying to navigate it all. Combine that with a serious bout of depression, and a bad reaction to being on the pill for the first time (how was I to know my body can't cope with oestrogen-containing anything....), and you have one seriously messed up teenager.

It went gradually - much as I'd love to, I can't point you to one specific thing that will make it better for your daughter. What really did seem to help was little things that took the pressure off.

After a while, the fear of having a panic attack in public was almost as bad as the things that caused them in the first place. So, it was arranged with my teachers that if I started to feel panicky, I could just walk out the class and go hide in the loo (as often I'd need to throw up), no questions asked, no hassle given if it took me 20 minutes to come back. I had a very dear friend who I trusted enough to tell him what was going on, and when I felt panicky, he'd make a point of just keeping talking to me to distract me - about the lesson, films, last night's football match, anything. I came off the pill, which was the best idea I had that year as they were really messing with me.

One of the big things for me was a sense of being unable to escape - in an exam, you can't get up and walk out if you get stressed and feel sick; in class, a teacher might not let you and even if they do everone will look and wonder why you have to go to the loo again. Obviously I don't know your daughter, but it's possible she feels the same.

It's important to realise these thoughts aren't rational in any way. I couldn't help it, and I imagine your DD can't either. Also, it's only now, at a ten year distance from it all, I can analyse it like this. I couldn't have explained it at the time.

Good luck, to you and your DD. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave to make it go away, I've been there and it's awful :(

[billie50]

well, took DD3 to doctors after our last post, and they are arranging for her to see a pediatrician, and then a psychologist, to try and help her however its been almost 3 weeks now and no sign of appointment, i know its not long but she's only still in school till may :(
on the other hand school has let her have some maths and science work to do at home, will keep you updated