12yr old dd1 in a relationship with a 14yr old boy...

[longhairedlover]

Bit of a strange one this one,simply cos I can almost hear some people saying "relationship at 12 and 14?...no way!!!".
Anyway,it started in the summer and went on until about Nov.(he's only just turned 14)
DD1 has got a head on her shoulders and-to be fair-so has this lad (who I actually think is a nice lad really.)
However,he is-shall-we-say-a much sought after young lad and knows it.DD1 is also a very very good looking young girl and to be fair,I always thought they fancy themselves more than they do each other....well,so they should at their ages lol!!!
Thing is,when they split,it was ME that started to get very anxious about her.Was always worried that she was going to get depressed and not be able to get on with things....I know,I know,....she's TWELVE for gods sake lol!!!What i'm actually wondering is,does anyone have experience of getting too involved with their childrens'"relationships!?(i have 3 very close together and they've all had boyfriends and girlfriends,but I seem to get way too involved with my eldest's way too much.)This lad asked her back out on New Year's Day and-much to my hubbie's horror-I was over the moon for my daughter.Think he may possibly have been correct in saying that she's only gonna get hurt again though as,already,he's playing her up a bit.I know many of you out there are going to think I'm a complete nutter but I did think I was having anxiety attacks last time they split up.Is there a name for this...?Please don't tell me i'm living my life through my dd though because we are completely different personalities----she is much much more outgoing than I ever was and proved herself to be very strong first time they broke up.However,i'm terrified about the next time it happens and-let's face it-I suppose it's gonna happen sooner or later!

[hobbgoblin]

If she is very different to you maybe that is why you are living vicariously through her a little.

i don't get why you were glas he asked her out again if he is possibly a bit of a player.

Anyway, she is very young and surely these are not 'relationships' in the esteem damaging potential sense? Save your worrying for a couple of years on and even then plough your efforts into helping her value herself and be kind to herself - not on managing the dates!

[mummyflood]

I believe it's part of a parent's JOB to 'be involved', i.e. talk to our kids about their friends, what they are up to etc, and generally what is going on in their lives, in other words make sure that the lines of communication are open from an early stage. But in the case of a twelve year old I would be making sure that this communication is along the lines of that she is still a little girl and should be enjoying her childhood, school life, interests and friendships - the latter two not referring to boys! Sorry, but I think any talk of relationships and break-ups at this age is silly, and I would be encouraging other interests if I were you.

Just re-read your OP, are you saying that your 12yr old is your eldest, and all 3 have had 'relationships' so far?

[MaureenMLove]

I'm with Mummyflood. My DD is 15 and still I would't entertain a 'relationship' between her and a boy.

I know she has had boyfriends and I know she has been upset, hurt etc by a fella, but seriously, getting involved and encouraging it at 12 is madness!

I have a friend, who, by her own admission, missed out on her youth because she got tied down by a bloke at school, married him very young and consequently is screwing up her current marriage, because she claims 'she missed out'

Her DD is 15 and she is so proud to announce that she's been going out with her fella for '8 months now' and even had the parents round for a drink on Boxing Day ffs!

an't help thinking that it's history repeating itself.

I'm afraid I do not encourage relationships with DD. What I do do, is regale her in the numerous weekends away and bloody good fun I had, with my mates when I was a teenager. Hopefully, she will follow in my footsteps.

[alemci]

i understand perfectly lll. I got very upset a couple of years ago when my E daughter split up with a really nice lad. I got very involved too and I find it hard to step back. I went to counselling.

I think it brings back all the insecurities you had as a teenager and i felt so sorry for the lad as i remember how i felt when my first proper BF dumped me.

She has another lovely boyfriend now who she sseems to really like and i worry all the time about their relationship. She is 17. tonight they are at a party and i said i would collect them. he is often at my house and i know his parents. i find it hard. i would be very upset if they split up.

[cory]

Dd is 14 and while I am sure she has had some childish relationships, of the "X is my boyfriend (but we don't actually do anything)-type. Possibly a little experimental kissing behind the lockers. But I do think she is still a bit young for the serious, get-the-whole-family involved type relationship.

I try not to pry into her private life, but to make it clear that I expect her to be interested in all sorts of things at this stage of her life- school, hobbies, friends- and that boys should only be a small part of it. Basically, I try to give the message that she should not be thinking in terms of grown-up "relationships".

[MissMisa]

It really depends on the maturity of your child. My first relationship was also at 12, with a guy 2 or 3 years older. Nobody took it seriously, which annoyed me at the time! It actually lasted 3 years, and we are still friends now.


My Mum was very open with me and as a result, I tell her things.

Don't try and tell her what to do (by that I mean don't pry into her business and ask her a billion questions) or she'll just resent you and not tell you anything. That's not to say you shouldn't be wary or discipline her, just be open.

She will be fine if they break up. It can be upsetting at any age, but people get over it and with your support she'll just move on.

[longhairedlover]

thankyou everyone.I have a very easy relationship with my daughter.She does tend to tell me "everything" which is why I probably got so involved in the first place.I have waved her off to school this morning,knowing that she's still worrying why he hasn't made contact with her over the last couple of days (although he has told a few of her older friends on FB that he IS going out with her???).
Facebook actually is probably another big factor in all of this.Can't help looking through things that are going on etc....but not behind her back I have to say.
Mummyflood,my kids are 12,11,10 and they have all had "boyfriends and girlfriends"--I've never taken this much notice of them before though until this one came along.
Alemci,I actually did think I was gonna have to get some counselling after their last break up.I just don't understand why I felt so bad.I wasn't myself at all....and I KNOW i'm being totally unreasonable cos at the end of the day they are just kids.I JUST DONT GET WHY I FEEL LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME.That's why I came on here....to see if anyone had this kind of thing going on before.I don't recognise myself....It's sooooo weird

[longhairedlover]

i sometimes wonder if the fact that i was dumped a week before my wedding when i was fairly young has got me like this too....am i just very over-protective and keep expecting the same to happen again maybe???