17 YO DD and BF treating her not so great

[ihelen]

OK I know at 17 my daughter is now an adult, but I need some advice and I can not find anywhere to ask

A few days ago, I was in my bedroom and opened my window a little for a few minutes to let some air in despite the cold, so I heard my daughter get home with her bf, or at least arrive at the top of the drive where the gate is

So glanced out and witnessed her bf treating her quiet roughly, he also called her a stupid bitch

I was shocked, although a little older then her he seemed charming and caring

My daughter is also down to earth and not in a million years expected her to stand to be treated this way - not sure if I should put details.

So I brought it up with her and she shrugged and said it was no big deal.

So I again brought it up with her a day later, I asked if he had treated her this way previously. She was reluctant to say much at first just shrugging and saying it is no big deal

but then she said something extraordinary, she said that she was happy the way he treats her and it was OK for him to loose his cool with her sometimes, as she puts it everyone does sometimes. She said she wanted guys to be men with her

Not really sure what to say to her

Any advice from anyone

[rivi]

bump 4 u

[cory]

It's a hard one, isn't it? I think I would try to be very gentle with her. Something like "darling, I do understand that you want to be loyal to him, but really this is a bit worrying, this is not how most men treat the women they love. I can't make you leave him, but I do want you to know that we're always there for you".

[BertieBotts]

I suggest you repost in relationships, because this section doesn't get a lot of traffic, and also, there are lots and lots of experienced ladies over there with excellent advice. I'm afraid I don't have much to add :( (I was in a relationship like this at 18) other than a couple of big DON'Ts -

Don't object to him too much or go on about how unsuitable he is for her. You will push her away and that's probably exactly what he wants. DO make it clear you are there for her and you will never tell her "I told you so" - because when she eventually sees the light and wants to get away, one of the biggest barriers is shame - everyone told me he was a loser and now I'll lose face if I admit they were right. If you can ban her from seeing him at all or contacting him, and you think that it would work (ie she wouldn't be able to see him at all) then that might be worth a shot. She will hate you in the short term but it will be worth it. This is only worth it if it's really going to work though - at 17 I guess she's probably independent enough that it may not.

Don't tell her she has to talk to him, or offer her ways of trying to change or cope with his behaviour. This is giving her false hope that he can change. He won't. If he's charming with you and yet rough/controlling with her then he already knows exactly what he's doing and he won't mature, grow out of it or be changed by her "loving him better". She probably says she doesn't mind because she doesn't realise that this isn't normal behaviour. (And he's most likely done a number on her to think all guys are like this)

Don't try to sympathise with her by saying all men are crap. In fact do the opposite, try constantly to subtly bring in examples of good, trusting, supportive, loving relationships. If she thinks that her bloke is the best of a bad bunch she will stay with him. If she thinks he's a complete loser compared to who she could meet then there's less chance of it.

HTH :( sorry you're in such a hard situation.

[FetchezLaVache]

It's a very tough one. You say you thought he seemed charming and caring? Could you perhaps get your daughter to see that he acts very differently towards her when you are around?

[sue52]

I think you are right to be concerned. 17 is still very young and she is living at home under your care. I would ask her where she got the idea that it is OK for a man to verbally and physically abuse a woman. Does she have issues with low self esteem and think she somehow deserves this treatment? Do you have a DH or DP who could have "words" with this young man. If I was you I would do all I could to get him out of my DD's life.

[ihelen]

Many thanks for your replies.

I will take BertieBotts suggestion and repost in relationship

[singingcat]

You need to react. I know you don't want to push her away, but she needs to know this is NOT fucking OK. If someone spoke like that to my child I would seriously want to commit an assault against them. He is NOT GOOD NEWS.