Pre teen "attitude"...

[FattyArbuckel]

My lovely dd has started saying things to me with "attitude" so it comes across as rude. When I point this out, she often says it wasn't rude, to which i say it comes across as rude.

I don't seem to be making progress with reducing the amount of attitude - is this just how it is with this age group ( as other parents in rl are telling me in )? Surely not?!!! Any wisdom gratefully received..

[FattyArbuckel]

She is eleven btw

[BigTillyMincepie]

Sadly, I have this problem too.

Also the tone of voice, and screeching at her brother when he annoys her (frequently)

I would like some wisdom too

[SauerKraut]

Your real-life advisers are absolutely right. I have seen 2 through age 11 and currently have an 11-year old. The other parents of children in her class are seeing it too and one has even read a book which says the same! Just have to ride it out, unfortunately...

[BeenBeta]

Yes. Same here.

DS1 is age 10.5 and we have the 'attitude', answering back, defiant, ignoring me when I ask him to do something (eg get his teeth brushed and his coat ready to school) and suddenly screaming at his brother if he comes near him. He has even started physically pushing his brother around too - which he has never done.

Seems to have suddenly become demotivated, not bothered, even slobbing around in bed rather than up and enthusiastic as he used to be. I know it happens but finding it rather sad that our lovely, enthusiastic and usually very kind and gentle son has changed so quickly this way.

[kreecherlivesupstairs]

Allow me to offer you my 9.7 DD. She is a teen in training certainly.
all the stuff mentioned above bar the pushing siblings, she is an only.
She is oddly childlike too though, this morning we were playing a game of her devising n the car and she wants me to remember my last sentance so we can pick up where we left off on the way home.

[BigTillyMincepie]

Sauerkraut when do they move onto the next "stage"? And what happens then?

[FattyArbuckel]

Hmmm this is not what I want to hear


Surely somebody on mumsnet knows the rmedy for this?

[FattyArbuckel]

remedy even

[FrogPrincess]

[nervous laughter]hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahha..... no. [/nervous laughter]

We have an 11 year old dd who is pretty lovely on the whole, but does now have the attitude and tone of voice thing that is so irritating (dh in particular seems to be a favourite target at the moment).

I think it's a mixture of hormones, year 7 (feeling grown up but also being the youngest in the school and being patronised by year 8s!), moving from a girls school to a mixed one (having to stand up to boys)...

As for a remedy, I don't know! Don't pick on every single thing that annoys you, maybe just pick one that she needs to improve and let her know that she's making good progress?

And keep her busy. Dd does lots of music and drama, which she loves, and hopefully that helps in some way.

[FattyArbuckel]

So you mean just let the tone of voice go without commenting?

I sm tempted to do it back for the weekend so that she can experience how it is to be on the other end of it - is that worth a try or a waste of time?!!!

[foxinsocks]

yes I think it's time to pick your battles wisely

or go back to work full time . Mine are still absolutely delighted to see me so I only tend to get the attitude on the weekend when they start getting bored of me .

[bigcar]

if you do it back you will have all out war, trust me! Pick you battles and do your best to stay calm. Dd2 is currently going through all this, it's draining but it does pass, they do return to being human again, honest

[FrogPrincess]

I wouldn't do it back to her... I find what works best with dd is remaining calm, being understanding about whatever it is she is going through, and telling her to please watch her tone of voice as it is unpleasant and unnecessary (when I really want to scream at her!). And then ignore the other stuff you find irritating as she can only work on improving one irritating habit at a time....

[FrogPrincess]

maryz, sounds like great advice, but I do wonder what you do about the 'you know nothing about ' tone of voice we get treated to. I find it impossible to ignore all the time.

[BigTillyMincepie]

maryz, great words of wisdom, thanks.

I just have to put them into action.....

[sue52]

I agree with Maryz. I ignore my daughter when she is rude and unpleasant and reward good behaviour by praise. It's a bit like dog training really.

[dexter73]

I don't think they even realise that their tone comes across as rude. I have learnt to ignore the tone now and just listen to what she is saying.

[SauerKraut]

BigTilly, my 14-year old son is really great, after having been through this phase. My almost 13-year old daughter is a lot easier than she was. We had to redefine some of our own rules and attitudes. They seemed to be protesting at the rut we'd become stuck in when dealing with them and needed to be treated differently. I agree with ignoring as far as poss, but no harm in pointing out how it comes across from time to time. Carrots rather than sticks seem to work wonders. Sometimes all I have to say is "I'll be remembering this behaviour later...", ie. when they want me to do something for them or when they have requests pertaining to playstations or TV!

[FattyArbuckel]

Thanks for all the great and insightful advice. So it seems that using the tone back even just as a short demonstration of how it feels to be on the other end of it is generally thought to be a duff idea - I will rethink that one.

"Pick your battles" I struggle with...there are no battles other than the attitude!!! So that's the one I was inevitably picking!

Advice generally seems to be just accept the attitude. I often refuse to do things for my dd if she doesn't ask nicely - am I making a meal of this, should I really just put up with her using "the tone" and not bothering with please and thank you?!!

Is the pragmatic approach to let it go because you can't affect it anyway so why cause extra friction moaning about it?

In all honesty I am not affecting her behaviour by telling her each time she is rude/ adopts the pained tone of voice so from that point of view I may as well stop with the criticism!!!

[BigTillyMincepie]

14... only 2 1/2 years to go then

Must learn that phrase!

Yes Fatty, no issues bar the attitude / tone for us either. And it's not all the time, but it's very waring.

[bigcar]

i still expect please and thank you, usually when dd2 wants something I get an unprompted please anyway!

[BeenBeta]

There is always boarding school I suppose.

[evil parent emoticon]