Shall i do this

[noddyholder]

At my wits end with ds.He has been a pita for a few yeaqrs but lately has been even worse.I have decided to stop cooking and washing for him as he has flouted every rule we have given him and just laughs or walks out if challenged.he is forever saying he is going to change but it is short lived and he is only really civil when he wants something.When he started college he was awarded ema and has never had it as he has been late or absent every week.We stopped his allowance when the ema began so he has had no money for nearly 3 months but is unperturbed and carries on as normal.He will not do anything we ask so today i have taken the mouse and keyboard from his mac but feel he is too old for this and feel stopping his washing and cooking would work.He is 16 and we dread every day with him atm.

[BrokenRing]

Questions:

how much of each week is he missing at college? A lesson or two, or a whole day or two? Are there reasons for this? A course he is avoiding. One of ours did exactly this for their first year at college and similarly didn't have EMA for weeks and weeks, and no money from us either. Didn't bother them. We never restricted use of the computer (partly because it was a shared computer!) because if there was work to do for college, they needed it for that. In our case, it was a hated college course they wanted to drop, which they did, after AS level. Once the second year of college began, they realised they had wasted an entire year and knuckled down to work. They are now at university studying a subject they are really keen on and doing okay.

We did have several discussions with the college, many many talks with our child about their age, their responsibilities, their wants and hopes for the future. We were very heavy on the likelihood of "no future jobs at present, long-term unemployment (not easy at any time) so the necessity of continuing in Higher Education for the moment".

Talk about the support and contribution that each person in the family should make - even if it's not much to start with. For someone who has been a pita for a while, it will take baby steps for them to start living up to behaving in a more adult, responsible fashion. Ask them to do something they can achieve and will likely agree to do (and will actually do) for a start.

Personally, I would not have stopped cooking for our child because eating together makes for a time of socialising with the family, and shows there is still parental care happening. It would feel like the parent cutting ties of kinship and communication (regardless of the fact that the child is doing this as well). Treating them like a lodger might make them feel that there is no longer any bond between you so they have nothing left to live up to.

[noddyholder]

He has been late at least twice a week and one whole day.He had it in his head he could switch colleges to be with friends and when he found out he couldn't just up and leave so late in the day he said he would knuckle down but that was only a week ago and no progress yet.He likes the courses but not the college.I don't wnt to be harsh as until now we have been very close and eating together and dvds etc have always been part of how we live.He is still very much a child but wants all teh privileges of being an adult.Last night he got up from dinner (I did cook!)and stacked dishwasher etc but I have seen this before when he is back to the wall he gives a bit and then back pedals.He did say to us a few weeks ago if we just do what he wants things will get better!I don't think so.Dp is at his wits end too he is def on final warning for his general bad attitude.I am dreading xmas with him like this He is an only child and so although not spoilt in material ways he has had a lot of attention and input from us and a bit of a charmed life really.So much so that he sees regular things that everyone does as a punishment I am going to try and keep calm the rest of the week and see!

[Ooopsadaisy]

This might sound a bit soft but he sounds very unhappy.

I feel really sorry for young men these days (that is what he is remember!).

They are told they have to have qualifications but probably don't want them.

They are told they have to get a job but there are are so few real jobs for men out there. Where are the building apprenticeships and the plumbing etc etc? Where are the factories to make real stuff?

They are told to respect girls but see them puking in the streets and having sex in alleyways on a Saturday night.

Who are their heroes? Wayne Rooney????? Great.

No wonder they are pissed off and confused.

I'm sorry that I don't have any answers for you, noddy, but I think life is quite shit for young men these days.

What are his hobbies? Is he encouraged? Does he work part-time somewhere? Do you do stuff together as a family???? Play golf????? Take up rock-climbing???????

[whenigrowup]

I definitely share your frustrations!!! I wish I knew the answers. I have a son who behaves in a very similar way (see my thread!). I feel it's a constant battle to know how 'heavy' to be. Everybody has a different perspective but we as parents are the ones trying to deal with it at the sharp end. I have been driven to distraction. We have good days and we have very bad days. I thnk feeding our children is something I would always do whilst they live in the same house but everything else can be well handled by themselves and is your way of letting them know that at 16 they're not yet adults but they certainly aren't children. Sorry couldn't offer more help.

[BrokenRing]

All I can suggest is lots of talking with him. Let him know how unhappy and difficult and frustratin you're finding this situation. Ask him what he feels he can do to make it better. Say in what ways you are prepared to support him and help him cope with an environment and hours he finds hard to adjust to (though he will have been used to getting up for school every day prior to this academic year, surely?).

We never had any success with ours in depriving them of anything and everything. They just put up with it. In the end, they just grew up and out of being so silly.

[noddyholder]

oops he is not unhappy!He says he loves his life We do or did lots of things as a family.He makes films as a hobby and we have encouraged him and bought cameras lenses etc he certainly doesn't see Rooney as a role model.He just wants to do only what he wants and nothing else He admits this.He doesn't have a job he would never get up but I wish he would get one.I agree that young men are confused at times but he chose this course as it is all creative and so this qualification is great for him as although he has a lot of artistic ability he does need technical camera skills.I have put my heart and soul into helping him and guiding him and it just seems that as soon as anyone asks anything of him he goes nuts!But I will keep going.

[Ooopsadaisy]

noddy - can he get any kind of part-time work in something camera/art/film business? Even something at the local cinema? Reviewing films for college website? I just wondered if he got some kind of affirmation from outside the home/family and reward in the form of a wage (however small) it might push him on with his college stuff and that might make other things fall into place.

Glad Rooney is not the role model! Is there a young lady around who is a positive influence?

Glad to hear to hold it together as a family - that's really important. Whatever you do, keep loving him. He sounds a really talented lad.

[noddyholder]

Thanks oops.The thing is there is so little work here it is hard I know.He is v talented at photography and I am going to try and get him to frame some of his pics again and see if he is up for it.No girlfriend yet but lots around think this is a worry for him as he has friends in serious relationships.he is the light of my life really just doesn't feel that way atm.