am i /are we unreasonable ?

[uncoolmum]

My 16yrold ds has just started college and is worrying me loads. He seems to have started smoking has recently bought cannabis and lies all of the time !! he is very bright 10 A* gsces and I am finding it really tricky to know what to do without alienating him. I know he is just fitting in with new friends etc but feel like he is a totally different boy in just 3 weeks. I know about the cannabis because I looked at his phone - something I am not proud of - invasion of privacy etc but he is so non communicative I felt I had no choice... He gets ema and we have been giving him a monthly £40 which we can ill afford and quite frankly it is annoying to think we are scrimping and scraping to get by and he has spent money on booze fags and dope !!!! I have along with husband brought up the subject of the dope and cigs and lies and his reply was he lies because we are overbearing and he just decided to try some dope and the cigs werent his !! facebook shows - he is smoking (pics + comments courtesy of eldest ds 22yrs)and is not the boy we know. Am I unreasonable - just asked if he could stay at a friends next sat night with some others - not local about 30 miles away and we said no due to being worried about the dope thing and also the fact that parents are away and we dont know these friends..... Help I am at a loss and getting upset and worried...

[barbarianoftheuniverse]

My dc got into cannabis at 15. Alc and smoking too. It took out a year of his school life, caused him trouble in school,lost him 50% of his friends (it's not true to say, as some people do, that they all do it. They don't.) I wish we had been tough sooner, but we let it go on a term plus before we had acted as we should have done, stopped the money that was paying for it, laid down some basic house rules.
If I were you I would stop that £40- even if you just bank it for him instead. And make him pay all college expenses out of the ema.
If he goes to the party make sure you have at least an address and a phone no so that you can pick up/contact him if you have to.
I think alcohol is par for the course and one hideous morning after goes further than a lot of lecturing.
Good luck. It is hard being tough and uncool, much easier to turn a blind eye and stay friends.
(DS, two years on, is a lovely. Very proud of him. The lost year at school was a real struggle to make up though.)

[barbarianoftheuniverse]

Mary, I am so sorry to hear about your son. Can't anyone help?
Connexions helped ds.

Uncoolmum, I think it okay for mums to be uncool.

[uncoolmum]

Thanks for the replies - you have reassured me that i am doing the right thing. Like you all say its really hard being tough. He rang me earlier and carried on as if we had not discussed anything and basically said I am over thinking and need to back off and let him live his life..............
My husband thinks I am fussing too much about some stuff but is with me on the cannabis thing. he thinks I should not have looked at his phone though and says its not up to us to tell him what he can spend his money on ???

The background to this is tricky too because ds has only just got back to a "life" having spent the first 3 yrs of comprehensive school at home due to chronic IBS and ulcerative Colitis. he then went to school part time for the last 2 yrs and achieved great results reagardless. He still has problems with his health one of them being underweight because of eating issues - trying to prevent the pain that digestion causes him. How do I get him to understand we just care and arent trying to mollycoddle him or spoil his fun ????
MaryZ Oh how I feel for you and it is exactly why I am so concerned :( I really hope your son gets out of it somehow .

[bobs]

Hi all - firstly, I'm also not cool - and proud of it . If my kids don't like the way I act/dress/behave towards their friends, then tough - it's not MY problem, it's theirs . Of course DD1 (17 soon) still tries to dress me and advise on make-up etc, and I let her up to a point...

Luckily both my kids are reasonable well-grounded - there's just the alcohol thing but I have policy that when there's a party at our house, I supply some for DD and everyone brings their own on the basis that their parents should have supplied it for them - yes they still get "merry" and sometimes throw up, but as long as they behave it's better than them going to the park or wherever.

HOWEVER I did have a step-son come live with us when he was 14 when his Mum threw him out. As our kids were much younger at the time it was a steep learning curve for us and we didn't realise he was into drugs. By the time he was 16 he stopped going to school before his GCSEs and was on the harder stuff. We tried everything - probably did a lot of things wrong - but unfortunately due to his habit he ended up in prison. He's nearly 30 now and i don't know what his prospects are for the future.

I don't want to scare you, and I realise that kids will try stuff out including smoking and cannabis - and at a younger age than we did. I think the trick is to be reasonable (on your terms, not his) and consistent. He is living in your house and has to abide by your rules ( I think ours with stepson were, no lying, no drugs in the house and letting us know where he was) - oh - and not to be scared of him! We also phoned helplines like "Ask Frank" but some are better than others. If he is buying cigs - cut down on the allowance. If he is smoking cannabis, stop it totally, and make it clear that drugs are unacceptable.

He sounds like he's had a pretty closeted time and is now spreading his wings. Hopefully as he's a bright boy he will realise he's wrecking his chances if he goes down the wrong track. Perhaps give him a term to settle in and keep a close eye on things?? As far as I'm concerned where drugs are concerned, privacy doesn't exist!!!

God it's tough being a parent..........[confuse]

[whiteflame]

My guess is he actually doesn't know/understand that the consequences of cannabis smoking apply to him. He probably truly believes that he was just trying it once (and hopefully is right). Could you try and spell out to him (or get him to read this thread)? As in, what about next time, when there's some at the party (for e.g.)? Will he say no? If not then he could become addicted without 'trying' etc...

I'm with you on stopping the money, why the hell should you fund his drugs and smoking? If you're giving him money (does he 'work' for it at least?) then you totally get a say in what he buys with it. Ask your husband if his financially struggling mother would give him 40 pounds a week to buy cigarettes?!

[mumeeee]

I would definatly stop the money you are giving him. You are also right about not letting him stayt at friends

[uncoolmum]

just an update
We had a long family discussion the other night which wasn't the easiest as ds prefers not to chat much and seems to think we pry too much ??? Not true at all we just ask everyday stuff " did you have a good day" etc.
I made it clear he needed to be brutally honest and said we would be the same in order to clear the air and start from scratch...
It appears he has smoked cannabis 3 times over the summer but hasnt since starting college but was about to buy some after being offered by a "new friend ". He was shocked and very angry that I had read his phone messages and said that just proved how much we didnt trust him and treated him like a child..... He also said he needed to make his own decisions and mistakes and we obviously had a low opinion of his friends !!! All untrue but I guess thats how it is from his point of view - I said we could not stand by and allow him to make the "mistake" of getting involved with drugs and that his privacy in this case was low down in priority in comparison to our concern for his wellbeing.
We have stopped the money so he will only have EMA and occasional pocket money from grandparents, but he has warned that if I think he is having anything to do with cannabis I will inform his grandparents. He swears it was a stupid thing to think about and says he is not that interested at all and it was more of a rebellious thing and an "in" thing and he didnt buy it anyway.
He is still very unhappy about not being allowed to stay with his friends but understands he lost the chance as soon as drugs came into the equation. We though are still the most over protective parents ever apparently !!!!
All I can do is remain watchful and hope he can be the sensible lad and at least talk to us a little more ??

[barbarianoftheuniverse]

I think he sounds like he is being very honest with you, and quite mature. Also I think you have done well to get him talking.
Tell him to read this thread. Cannabis is no joke. There will be loads more parties, perhaps less than 30 miles away. Good luck!

[Moanranger]

Dear Uncool,
When you do lay down the law a bit, they can throw tantrums, but in child-psychology-speak, what you have done is established a boundary, and unconsciously that is what children want you to do. They react as your son did, but then you will find that he settles down, accepts the boundary, and I bet his behaviour will improve. I believe our children want us to tell them when to stop, but to get us to do so, they push right to the limit. Best of luck, it sounds like your communicating and moving in the right direction.

[uncoolmum]

Thanks moonranger - he has indeed settled down a bit and seems to be a touch more communicative :). He is at least texting me to say he is going to be late etc and although he has come in a little worse for wear once since our chat -( he had been to pub straight from college with friends ), generally life seems a little less stressful thank goodness.
We are trying not to be too protective and allow some freedom without too much fuss and take into account that college and all of its trappings is new and exciting .............
Can't help being concerned though and don't know how I am going to be ok about him staying over anywhere not local but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it I guess.