Is there anything you'd have done differently?

[Othersideofthechannel]

Parents of teenagers, can I learn from your mistakes?
With hindsight, what would you have done differently with your 5 -12 year olds?

[upahill]

A not so close friend once said they thought I gave my children too many expierences eg by the time they were 12 they had scuba dived, walked up mountains, had archery lessons,went caving in Slovakia, went white water rafting in Slovenia, been to loads of places of the beaten track, ice climbed in the French Alps. They said they will have nothing to look forward to.

I thought that was rubbish statement then and still think it is a rubbish statement.

Do as much as you can, take them to loads of places, have fun, take lots of photos, have a laugh, build up happy memories, all our photos are on the screen on the computer as a permament slide show which I love. Have their friends round on sleep overs and let them indulge! Watch dvds with them. House work will often wait but the seconds and minutes that they are children will soon pass.

If you make a threat stick to it so make sure your threat is reasonable. Once in the middle of a boiling hot summer DS had pushed me and pushed me so I said 'do that one more time and you are staying in for a week' God it was hell. By the fourth day he is saying ' so what did I do again mum?!' I couldn't flippin rememeber but I had made the threat!!

Be strict with manners and how they talk to you and others. Make sure they pick up after themselves even if they have left the room and you are right next to a plate or whatever call them back and get them to do it. It teaches (OK eventually it will teach -I'm still working on it!!) that you are not a skivvy to pick up after them.


Thats my adice.
Can I point out I'm not a mum of the year and think my way is best or the only way. This works for us and the other big help is what ever rule I make DH backs me up and vice versa. DH will not allow them to back chat me or be rude in anyway (They still try though!!)

HTH

[Tortington]

i would have only had one child and then i could afford to send them to private school

[Othersideofthechannel]

Oops, too late for that Custardo!

Thanks for your long response upahill. Agree with you about the experiences. My childhood was very rich in that way, and there's still plenty I have yet to do and see.

[hellsbells4]

I would have put dd's needs above dh's. Dh has always resented my emotional input with the dcs. And I was very very depressed for most of dd's childhood so she didn't get the emotional support she needed. At 18 she is really struggling to cope with the consequences - overweight/struggling academically/insecure/unsuitable friendships. The list is endless.

[upahill]

hellsbells that is very sad. I hope things work out for your DD.

[Othersideofthechannel]

Riven, can you be more precise about the 'too much freedom' please.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

Not moved to Cheltenham and had her change schools in year 6. i would have waited until year 7 and it would have been a natural move.

Not groaned inwardly at the thought of pushing her on the swings etc. Would have cherished every moment.

Not got impatient with her when she read, thinking she was slow. She has dyslexia, only recently diagnosed. Feel like an utter bitch for that one.

I would NOT have put the photos of my dd from birth to the age of 11 all in one box when we moved, only for DP to mistake it for a box of old plates and take it to the tip, never to be seen again. I only have a handful of pictures of my beautiful daughter. I should have taken thousands more pictures and looked after them. My daughter's image as a 5 year old starting school now only exists in my head

[toomanytimes]

Have them adopted!!!

There are several, but the two I think I should have done in hindsight is make them do chores at an early age. DS is 8 and is already doing some now, too late for DD because to get anything done requires utter and complete nagging and then you would be lucky to get it done.

The other is not putting DD into Boarding School to get the best education whilst DH was still serving.

If we all had our time again knowing what we know now, would we have children!! just think of the stress free life, with more money to spend on ourselves.

[kidsncatsnwine]

I'd worry less, laugh more, and train them to be tidier, earlier!!!!!!

I'd also have stopped trying to make everything perfect for them and let them learn by their own mistakes..

I'd take (even) more photos, and I'd try and cherish every moment, because my eldest is off to Uni on Saturday and it feels like 5 minutes since she was handed to me with 'congratulations it's a girl!' It has gone waaaay waaaay too fast:)

I do have moments when I think that stopping at two would have been a good move but on balance.. na four is fun.:)

[BitOfFun]

Agree with the chores and tidying- I was too lax on this and don't set a great example anyway, and have an untidy 14 year old as a result.

I have always insisted on good manners and never ever speaking disrespectfully to each other because if you can't treat people who love you well you're doomed in this world, IMO. So far it has paid off, and we have not had much in the way of backchat and rudeness.

[cory]

Spotted dd's disability earlier, stood up to the hospital and the school, never ever ever lost my temper with her for being frightened and in pain. I suppose.

Other than that, I'm not sure. Dd is ok. In fact, she's lovely. I don't wish her any different.

Couldn't have taught her to be tidy given the awful example she has before her in the shape of her mother. And I wouldn't be prepared to practise what I preached, so she'll just have to do without that.

[Othersideofthechannel]

When I started this thread, I was hoping for advice which would make the teenage years easier (like training them early on to contribute to the running of the house).

about all the big regrets

kidsncatsnwine, I should probably adopt "worry less, laugh more" as a motto

[upahill]

OK then here is a piece of advice.
Learn the Mantra 'It's only a phrase they are going through' off by heart and repeat as necessary!!!


HTH!

[mumeeee]

I agree with upahill. Do as much as you can with your children, Start when they are young and before they decide doing stuf with parents is not cool.
Start them on doing chores earlier.

[hitmouse]

Don't quiz them all the time or they'll clam up - if they don't want to tell you they won't. But let them know you're always willing to listen when they do want to talk. The lollipop lady gave me that advice this morning and I realised that was the mistake I'd made with my DS.

[inthesticks]

I would have moved to a larger village/small town.
Not too big but at least somewhere that they could have friends nearby.
Can't do it now ( houses take years to sell)and where we live is too isolated for them.It was perfect for babies and younger children.

[cory]

I did try to think of some of the smaller training things. But the fact is that dd is getting to an age where I am gradually realising that it's really more about her choices than about mine. If she wants to be good housekeeper as an adult, then she will be. If she wants to be a hard worker, then she will be. I have taught myself lots of things as an adult because they seemed worthwhile. I did very few chores, but am still a good cook and reasonably domestic now.

Yes, I think there are underlying attitudes that do become ingrained in childhood (such as attitudes towards the other sex), but I think we've done alright for the basics.

[BecauseImWorthIt]

If I had my time again, I wouldn't have given them their own PCs, in their own bedrooms. (Backstory - my company downsized and we moved out of offices to work from home. We had good, new PCs going spare and it seemed like a brilliant idea at the time)

It has resulted in a fractured household, with both DC spending too much time on their own and, in the case of DS2, preferring to play computer games than do anything else.

Also concur on getting them involved in household chores. I'm still guilty of not doing this, as it's just easier to get on with stuff myself

[Othersideofthechannel]

Interesting about the computers. My boss has this problem with his teens.

One thing that prompted this thread was DH answering his mobile phone during mealtimes. He didn't use to do it but now he is looking for a new job and I am concerned about the example this sets. I would find it very rude if DCs were chatting on the phone to mates or texting during meals. Fortunately, they are at least 5 years off having their own phones.

[Merrylegs]

I have DSs 13 and 15 and one of things I have tried to instill in them is to be able to answer adults clearly. Say hello nicely when meeting an adult - stand up when a guest comes to your house and greet them politely - you can slope off to your room as soon as you're done if you like, but you have to say hello in a friendly way first. If they ask you a question, be able to answer it yourself, don't rely on a parent to answer for you.

Be polite to your teachers and sometimes compliment them on the lesson they have taught you. DS (15) finds this a particularly useful skill at high school - he has discovered that even a simple 'thanks for the lesson, miss' on the way out can elicit a really warm response from the teacher and create a feeling of mutual respect. He has learned to be courteous to the people who can influence his future.

[upahill]

Merylegs I agree with you about talking to adults. My two sons (14 and nearly 11) are used to meeting my DH colleagues and clients and 'tinkering' down at a farm with DH'mates so their social skills are ok. BUT DS1 has started doing that thing that a lot of young teenage lads do of not making eye contact and fidegting when people are talking to them. We have clamped don on that right away and said 'Yes, we know you can hear what people are saying but they don't know that and beside which you look bloody rude, ignorant and badly brought up!!' (I usually get a sulk but he is getting better at 'active' listening)


becauseI'm worthit it is interesting what you have said. We only have one computer in the house (as well as one tv) I have thought about getting DS1 his own computer especially if I'm doing some reports and stuff from home but after reading your comments I will cary on as we are.