DD is upset, what do i do?

[shazboo]

I have been noticing that my 14 year old DD is not as close to her friends as she was a few months ago. Over the summer break she went out a few times but not with the girls who i would class as her close friends. School started again and she is now in year 10, and i asked her how her day had been and she told me about how she had eaten dinner outside with some of the boys,and that she couldnt be bothered with her close friends.

When i asked if there was a problem at school she replied that she doesnt like how they talk about other girls and are 'boring'
Then she broke down crying saying that she doesnt fit in with any of the other girl crowds closely and that these boys are easier to talk to and be with(she isnt interested in any of the boys as a boyfriend..)

When i asked what she preferred about them,she said the dress sense,music,and no bitchiness. Also they like going into town to meet up with people from other schools and
talk and skateboarding.

I have spoken to my husband about discussed what to do,maybe moving her to another school if that is what she wants,but she is unsure as she wants good GCSE's. I dont think she is being bullied and there is no problem with her school work.

Im so confused, do i leave her to hang around with the boy mates? encourage her to befriend girls she doesnt fit in with? encourage her to be with girls from other schools? move schools? aaagggggghhh this is hard, and i feel so sad for her, i just want her to be happy.

[AMumInScotland]

I think Year 10 is maybe an age where friendship groups do change, as they pick their subjects and mix with a different selection of people. If she has found people she does get on with, even if they are boys, then I would encourage her to hang out with them for now at least. It could easily be the start of a mixed-gender friendship group as other girls with similar interests may join them too. Also, if they meet up with people from other schools, she may find girls among them who she gets on with.

I don't think you should push her to be "friends" with girls she just doesn't get on with any more, or think about changing schools if there are no other problems.

FWIW DS (16) hangs out with a bunch of other teens, boys and girls, some a year or two older or younger, some at different schools, some even out of school now, just because they get along and tend to like the same kinds of music and clothes and "scene" generally. Hopefully your DD can find/build herself a group of likeminded friends, starting with these boys she's getting on with.

It sounds like she's "outgrown" the bitchy friends she had before.

[MaineGirl]

reassure her that having mainly boys as friends isn;t an issue at all. my neighbour has a 16yr old girl and as far as i cna tell all of her friends are boys, it appears that they just all have simialr tastes. bmx'ing, grungey emo fashion taste etc.
so maybe encourage her to feel lucky that shes found some friends where she feels she fits in?

[MissAnneElk]

I think she sounds brave. The easy option would be for her to hang around with girls she doesn't like just so that she is not on her own.
I wouldn't be considering changing schools unless it's something she really wants to do.
Do you know any of the boys? She could invite a couple of them round (not just one - her intentions might be misunderstood).
Does she do any after school activities? Martial arts maybe? She might meet some less girly girls there.

[Algebra18MinusPiEquals16]

she sounds great - much better that she is brave enough to hang out with boys rather than forcing herself to be somebody she isn't to hang out with boring, bitchy girls!

doesn't sound like she needs to move schools at all, she's lucky to have found a group of nice lads. most of my mates at college were guys.

I'd say she's better off with male friends and there's nothing wrong with that - she's upset because of the transition between the two groups, and that's normal.

:)

[shazboo]

thanks for your replies, im happy for her to be with boys as friends, and she is a very easy girl to get on with, i just worry about her not having close bonds with girls her own age.
She only does cheerleading in school but now wants to drop that because of this and find a group outside of school. This could cause problems in competitions.
We have tried the martial arts route...too rough!lol. but i will try and see if there are other activities she may enjoy.
thanks again xx

[GetOrfMoiLand]

I do feel for you, DD went through a period like this last year, which then ended up in nasty bullying, so in the end moved her school.

What I did in the meantime was try and find her activities outside school, so she had friends outside the school ones. It was quite hard, as she went to school about 15 miles away from where we lived, so all her school friends socialised outside school witout her, which made her feel isolated.

Even though I ended up moving DD's school, I would say hang fire for a bit before you do this, as it is a bit drastic, especially in year 10. Try and find something for your dd to do outside school. DD joined the air cadets (I know it sounds a bit naf, however it has been a godsend, dd absolutely loves it and it has boosted her confidence no end) and also a rugby squad which meets on Saturdays and pulls girls from all over teh county.

I felt utterly despairing last year at the thought of dd eating her lunch alone. She has settled in well at her new school, however she doesn't have any 'best' friends there, and rarely socialises outside outside school with them, she spends a lot of time with friends she has grown close to from her outside activities.

Sorry, that is rambling nonsense.

[mumblechum]

I definitely wouldn't think about changing schools. As others have said, it's actually really nice that she has found a bunch of nice boys to hang out with.

In ds's social circle there are quite a few girls, one of whom seems to hang out exclusively with the boys because, as she told ds, she can't stand how bitchy and competetive and also fake the girls can be.

It's much better for her to have a couple of close friends who happen to be boys, and some acquaintances who are of either gender, imo.

I do understand about the semi-dropping of friends. DS seems to not really be bothered one way or the other whether he sees his school friends or not, they get on fine, but he saw little of them in the holidays as he was away for a month and doesn't seem to have missed any of them. Some people are just more self contained, and whilst they're sociable when people are around, just don't feel a desperate need to be in with a pack.

your dd sounds lovely.

[GypsyMoth]

i think this is all normal.....my dd is same age,and does prefer boys. she's far happier playing footie than being a girly girl,she does her own thing,much to her sisters dismay.

the fact that she got upset about it,suggests to me she has been confronted by others about it,....or she is simply struggling with being a little different

fake is a word my dd uses about the other girls too

[mummyflood]

She sounds absolutely lovely. It's actually refreshing IMO that she can recognise the behaviour at this age that she doesn't like/feels uncomfortable with and is not prepared to just go with the crowd.

She sounds a lot like DS2, the same age, who has said exactly the same things, i.e. doesn't like the backbiting and talking behind peoples backs that goes on and just wants to chat, find common interests and have a laugh. That refers to both the girls and some of the boys. Unfortunately unlike your Daughter he has yet to find a group in which he feels comfortable. Over the holidays he has been chatting on facebook to a girl from one of his classes who seems to 'hang out' with more boys than girls, who seems a genuinely down to earth nice girl, I have hopes that in Yr10 he will maybe strengthen this friendship and settle in socially a lot more.

If I were you I would definitely not be considering moving schools, and would actually be supportive of these new friendships, to me she sounds a mature and sensitive girl of whom you should be very proud.

[shazboo]

just a catch up, my daughter has been out this weekend with a girl from her school and met up with others from different schools. When i asked if she enjoyed the time out,she stated that the girl had been calling others from school and didnt like her doing it, so distracted the situation.

when she was with the children from other schools she says she had a good time. she is now sure that she wants to move schools, we have told her that this isnt the best time and would cause a lot of upheavel.

iv asked her about trying some out of school activities but shes finding it hard to think of what she might like to do

i just feel like im being mean to her if i make her stay at her school,if she is really unhappy. Yet i dont want her to move as she is doing well there, and maybe this is something that will pass.

[musicposy]

The trouble is, once you get even a bit into this year, it's going to be very difficult to change because of GCSE courses and she's going to be stuck for 2 years. It's a very difficult choice. But if she really wants to move for definite, I'd let her do it now, before the GCSEs get going. It's not the best time, I admit, but far better than trying to do it 6 months down the line.

Are neighbouring schools good? Or is she at the best one? I don't envy you this decision, but I think at this age she really has to be the one to choose if at all possible.

[AMumInScotland]

Were the other girls she got on with all at the same other school? Or a range of different schools? If all the same, then I'd consider a move to that school, as at least she'd have these girls there - but you'd have to move quick, before they get far into their courses, and she may not be able to get into the subjects she wants as some of their subjects may already be full up.

But if the girls are at different schools, I'd encourage her to see them out of school and treat her social life as something which happens separate from school - she has boys she can chat to at break and lunch, she doens't really have to have any more than that during the school day if she can see this other bunch at evenings and weekends.

[mumeeee]

DD1 had a coupe of close girl friends when she was in year 10 but also a lot of her friends where boys. She still speaks to some of these boys and is now happily married. So I think it's a fairyly normal thing as long as your DD is happy with the situation.

[shazboo]

well we have had more tears since the weekend,its getting so stressful for DD and i feel so bad for her that im feeling down and have also cried about it.
i decided to ring another school and had a meeting with them about places and GCSE options. everything seemed fine for a move if that was what DD wanted, all that i had to do was contact present school.
I told school that things wernt good and they were surprised, they are offering her help and support and have set up more meetings with me to see if its helping.
I felt happier about this until i got in the car with DD, who started sobbing saying that she wanted out and why did i have to agree to support. she is adamant that she is moving.
now i feel terrible and dont know what to do, i just wish i had a magic wand,

[lizzy10]

im not as keen on the other school as it isnt as good academically and is slowly improving after having a bad name. Even with that iv told her to give her present school a try at helping for the next couple of weeks, if things are still the same then a move is going to have to be made.
why do i feel iv let her down? i feel sick with worry that she will be ok.

sorry that im going on about it, but i wish things would settle.

(iv changed nickname...sorry)

[nickschic]

I have 2 teenage ds,realising a couple of girls continually hanging around with ds I spoke to the boys to ask them what was going on? were these girls hanging round with them wanting to be their girlfriend,if so this was unfair the boys shouldnt lead them on etc etc.

Turns out the girls were great pals and werent the 'bunnies' like the big group of girls.

The boys call the girls who all hang in the clique the 'bunnies' cos of the PB logo.

[lizzy10]

i know my daughter is happy to hang out with the lads and is comfortable in their company, but i think that she misses the closeness with other girls.
the school she is at is quite small and her year doesnt have many girls, like nottirednows post, it is also when they are doing science and pe that she is being left out.
i have explained that this is a common thing and will pass but she doesnt care. i spose we are just going to have to see what happens over the next couple of weeks.

nickschic....whats the PB logo?

[SkylineDrifter]

shaz/lizzy, I started reading this thread and thinking - well done to your DD, she's making her own way in life and thumbed her nose at those she thinks are fake and shallow. My youngest daughter did the same, she braved it out and came out the other end stronger for it. However, she did have a close female friend who was in the same group, so perhaps that made a difference. The upshot is, at 23, she is now living with one of the boys who she had remained friends with over the years (both had other relationships in the meantime, and I think there may well be wedding bells one of these days!!), and the girl who was in the group is still her closest female friend.

Please don't take this the wrong way, as I'm really not wanting to offend you at all, just thinking of your lovely girl - is it possible you've put it into her head that it's odd to be friends with boys? That you would prefer her to be with the 'friends' she used to have? Can she tough it out till mid term perhaps, when she may have got things a little more in perspective? Remind her if she does move schools, then she'll no longer have the male friends she has made now.

I wish you and your daughter all the very best in finding a solution to your problem.

[notsocrates]

I feel so much for you.

It is agonisingly horrible feeling one is sending one's daughter off every day to somewhere she is not happy .

My DD had the same problem last year. DH and I thought it would just get better and something she had to go through. It ended when my daughter simply stopped eating and lost a dangerous amount of weight. I did EVERYTHING I could to change her world and DID move her schools (easier in Year 9 than Year 10) and she has not looked back. She had simply got into a rut where she was. Of course, it might be a storm in a teacup for your DD and teenaged angst is normal, but I am SO glad you are taking it seriously and are supporting her.

Eventually, I resorted to reading my DD's diary which is, I realise, a breach of her privacy but it provided a real insight into quite how miserable she was.

Please keep a close eye on things, as you are clearly doing now, and let her know that she can talk to you about anything.

[lizzy10]

i really appreciate all the comments on here and the time you have taken to write them,

skylinedrifter- you wont offend me!lol i need all the help, we have always allowed her to mix and spend time with boys and she has up till now had mixed and girl sleepovers(well supervised!!)and often went out in a mixed group. i dont want her to be back with the friends she used to have,but i dont think she would want to either.

looks like im going to have to see how things go and then decide if it will pass or a change is needed.

why cant things be simple with teens,lol xx

[SuzieHomemaker]

Lizzy is your DD interested in playing music? Our local authority runs things like Saturday music schools. Certainly ours isnt all flutes and violins as DD1 (also year 10)is in the rock school. Is there something similar in your neck of the woods?

DD1 had had a few guitar lessons before starting and has now fully morphed from the purple princess into uber cool rock chick.

I think that it is normal for friendships to change and evolve at this age. Friendships with boys may develop into something more or may not. If your DD is unhappy with her situation just keep reassuring her that this time will pass.

[desertmum]

my daughter had a terrible time in Yr 10 and was desperately unhappy. We stuck it out for the year and finally moved her for Year 11. With hindsight I wish we'd moved her earlier - not for the academic reasons but because she was soo desperately unhappy surrounded by airhead b1tches.
Now she is settled and happy and has moved on and did really in her IGCSEs despite, or probably because of, the move.

I do feel for you as it is a terrible time to go through.

Good luch