Not seen 14 yr old DS since went to live with dad 5 months ago

[eurythmic]

I haven't been able to see my 14 year old DS since February and I'm struggling to cope with it. My ex took him to his house for what i hoped would be a couple of days to calm down after a teenage 'stand-off' and he has never returned.

Ex also changed DS's school without my knowledge or consent, although DS was unhappy at previous school and needed to move.

Ex has pplied for PR through the court and inventd some abuse allegations (totally untrue) to stop me making any contact with DS. Of course i've wholly refuted allegations and not consnted to PR in the circumstances.

I quickly realised when this happened that my ex had been coercing DS for several months - DS had been moodier than usual for a teenager and confused and refusing to talk to me about anything.

I understand DS's 14 years worth of unmet needs around his father and that some of those are being met now (not emotional needs however) but DS doesn't seem to realise this could be at the expense of his relationship with me I fear this will go on and on despite second court hearing in September when DS will be asked again if he wants contact with me, and to be able to keep things going with his dad he will say no - again. I don't know what to do. Have involved SS but they see him as ok so just be patient! Cafcass involved but not much faith in them as they seem sos overrun.

Trying to accept but finding it impossible

[scaussie]

[sdr]

Have you a reasonable relationship with anyone in your ex's family who could perhaps ask for you to have some contact time?

[Butterbur]

Oh I am so sorry for you. That would break my heart.

I don't have any constructive advice to offer, except that eventually he will see through his dad. I hope that you will soon be able to welcome him home.

[eurythmic]

Ex's family are a pack, the one relationship I could kind of trust was with his mum, but that's broken down over this. She seems to support these actions all the way and is just glad to have DS in their family proper.

You'd think someone would realise how potentially damaging this is for DS, having his one solid 14 year relationship put in jeopardy like this.

And when he says he doesn't want contact with me, I think he's just saying he can't afford to lose contact with his dad now, and ruthless as his father is is what could happen, I'm sure.

Does anyone know exactly what CAFCASS would tell a child of 14 that they were being interviewed about because as yet I think DS thinks this is a casual arrangement.

Thanks for replies, it helps xx

[desertmum]

Something similar happened to my sister when her son was a bit younger than yours - he decided he wanted to live with his dad and then had little or no contact with my sister. They had a very very rockky relationship for a few years and she was heart broken, she kept plugging away and now although he still lives with his dad is on a much better relationship with my sister. Keep the lines of communication open as and when you can, keep letting him know you love him and are there for him at any time, day or night. If you can't speak to him directly write to him and hope he gets the letters.

Knowing what my sister went through I really do feel for you - but it is really important that at a later date when he is older and more mature he can see that you fought for him.

[eurythmic]

Thanks desertmum, its heartening to know it isn't just me but awful to think of this going on in terms of years - am at wits end after 5 months... Am pleased your sister's relationship with her DS has improved.

Have sent DS cards and things through post and he's received them because he wrote me a letter after 2 months telling me why he's angry (general teenager not getting own way, and not taking any responsibility for his bad behaviour - all encouraged by his dad) I'm ashamed to say I was so cross and upset by this I failed to send him anything for his 14 birthday that week, and still haven't. Huge regret and I don't know what to do about this now.

As 3 months have passed now with nothing between us I've written another card just telling him how much I love and miss him, and that I hope he's ok and happy. I've got a new phone number since he lived with me so I've added that to the card and just said - anytime x. I don't know what else to do.

DS strong minded but fear also unforgiving re birthday.. It wasn't out of nastiness, I just hoped it would make him think clearly if, for once, and after I felt treated so badly by the two of them colluding to do this for months beforehand, he didn't have from me what he'd always had. This no contact is impossible to deal with with a clear head.
I know its just made things worse.

Perhaps a carefully worded letter would be best at this stage...

Thank you for your support x

[ShirleyKnot]

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear about this. It must be very hard for you.

Have you any other children?

I'm a little bit concerned that you are saying things like "DS doesn't seem to realise this could be at the expense of his relationship with me" and "having his one solid 14 year relationship put in jeopardy like this." IMO, you need to be letting your DS know that regardless of where he chooses to live, you will always, always be there for him. DYKWIM?

I think, if I were in your shoes I would be sending a letter every week. Just a chatty little letter, nothing in there at all about the situation, other than an "I love you very much DS, and hope to see you as soon as you're ready" at the end.

Don't let him think that you've given up on him.

As to the birthday present? Well, that was a grave mistake I'm afraid. The only way IMVHO, to deal with that is to confront it straight on. Don't ignore it. Send him some money or a voucher or something, with a letter saying that you are very sorry that it is so late and explaining that you were very upset that he'd left home, but that it was no excuse for not sending him a present.

Good luck.

[Lionstar]

Very good advice Shirley

[EightiesChick]

Yep Shirley's post sounds spot on to me. Not much to add but to say I feel very bad for you and hope you manage to get things to a better place.

[eurythmic]

Thanks for your reply. I will deal with the birthday today. And your suggestion of a letter a week is a good one.

I know I sound defeatist but I'm so worn down with it all...

I know I'll feel a bit better with birthday being addressed, I should have done it before.

Thank you so much.

[eurythmic]

Thank you all for your support. And no, he's my only child...

[ShirleyKnot]

It's absolutely normal for you to be feeling crappy about all of this. I would be besides myself.

You will be able to let go of some of the guilt with the birthday present issue being addressed, and you may be able to start moving forward with your DS.

One final piece of advice..

Be careful to assign no blame to his father in any of your correspondance - keep it entirely about your relationship with DS.

Let us know how you get on.

[eurythmic]

I am beside myself, signed off from work for about amonth now with acute grief reaction, it's awful.

I've sent card/money to DS today - he should get it tomorrow.

Thanks for support.

[mamas12]

Can you contact the NSPPC to ask for advice about this?
They would be able to give you some sound advice about the implications and the horrible situation your ex has put your ds in and hopefully get some relief from that and make a plan to get more communication.