Garlic's flat arse

(70 Posts)
garlicbutter Sat 02-Nov-13 15:39:16

My arse has fallen down overnight! I swear it was bum-shaped yesterday. Today it's merged into my thighs. Most alarming grin

I'm no fan of 'programmes', as some of you will know, and am too ill to do proper exercise (long-term, not flu.) But I can do a set of back-kicks once or twice a day. And start a thread, so I feel obliged to keep it going!

Everything else went south years ago. My backside is was all I have left.

garlicbutter Sat 02-Nov-13 15:42:30

I might post photos, but am too depressed about it to immortalise the Fall Of Arse right now.

Apparently it's called a Donkey Kick. Starting in one minute!

FoxyHarlow123 Sat 02-Nov-13 16:20:39

Kettlebells and squats are your friend.

ouryve Sat 02-Nov-13 16:22:37

My arse was at its best when I walked down a steep hill with bags of shopping, several times a week. Though having said that, the hill alone would be too much of a challenge for my poor knackered knees, these days.

thepurplepenguin Sat 02-Nov-13 17:17:54

Squats and lunges.

garlicbutter Sat 02-Nov-13 21:17:25

Haha, you lot aren't really getting the reason for my body's total gravity compliance, are you? Can't walk half a mile on the level without collapsing (sometimes literally.) Have to go upstairs on hands & feet. Squats, lunges & kettlebells will put me in bed for a fortnight, which might defeat the object somewhat. Welcome to chronic fatigue syndrome, the bastard.

This issue with CFS is that training doesn't make you fitter. I walk a mile (with collapses) every day I can walk, but the half-mile threshold never changes. I'm hoping that 'toning' exercise might work better, as it isn't really about fitness iyswim? Well, I'm telling myself that anyway.

I can do the kicks because I'm resting on the floor, and it's only one set of large muscles being used - did six today and was prostrated, but I'm sticking at it <wails pathetically> I've still got a pair of 1kg ankle weights from my fit days so, if I manage to get up to 20 each side, will try it with them.

Thinking about it, I could use the ankle weights for slow leg lifts while supporting myself against a wall, too smile Slow lifts always used to get me fast results; let's see if they still do ...

The rest of me may have 'gone', but I'm not letting go of my arse without a fight!! Any fellow MNers with dysfunctional bodies and one target body part are welcome to join me in a humiliating battle against full body sag wink

And I will do photos. I can't think of a more excruciating motivator!

Littlefiendsusan Sat 02-Nov-13 22:26:09

Fellow saggy arse Mner joining in.
Really have been meaning to do something about the sudden jelly- like quality that has replaced my once firm butt.
Checking in here will ( hopefully) help with motivation. I've been meaning to do this :
Foxy what do you do with the kettlebells?

Could you perhaps try some of the more gentle yoga stretches to help with toning? I don't know much at all about CFS so I don't know if that would be beyond you.

FergusSingsTheBlues Sat 02-Nov-13 22:43:52

Och, I'm joining too! Ill do mate old me I had a flat arse years I see she was right.

Ill do pics, I really will.

As chronic fatigue for two years, garlic, I know what it's like, you have my sympathies.

Littlefiendsusan Sat 02-Nov-13 22:44:46

Shit,sorry just re- read that squats are off limits for you,so link is hardly helpful blush

garlicbutter Sat 02-Nov-13 22:59:37

Thanks for the sympathy, Fergus smile That's a good point, OLL, about choosing the less taxing bits of yoga. I used to do a 'power' version, which would be a pretty stupid idea now, but you've encouraged me to go and find some nice, beginner-friendly tutorials. If nowt else, it will help with balance.

Can't believe I'm almost feeling enthusiastic about this now ... ! Or maybe that's the beer talking wink

garlicbutter Sat 02-Nov-13 23:03:05

No worries, susan, you do your bum-shred and I'll join you - in spirit - with ONE, solitary, careful squat grin Each to her own and all that.

RandallFloyd Sat 02-Nov-13 23:06:50

I'm in.

I've lost 5 1/2 stone this year, approximately 2 stone of it directly from my buttocks.

My arse is now flatter than my stomach. Oh the irony hmm

Rattitude Sat 02-Nov-13 23:19:16

I have given up on my flat arse. I have invested in M&S's Sculpt and Lift jeans instead. The effect has been pretty miraculous! wink

thepurplepenguin Sat 02-Nov-13 23:24:25

Sorry garlic, my earlier post was not v useful. Have you looked at callanetics? There was a big thread on it about 6 months ago.

Lazysuzanne Sun 03-Nov-13 01:50:38

Could you do something like this exercise?

peasandlove Sun 03-Nov-13 08:23:09


notyummy Sun 03-Nov-13 08:51:30

Callanetics. It's v v slow and controlled but really works. Try looking on Amazon for books or DVDs. They are 80s-tastic but just ignore the leotards (and the worrying tachey bloke in the DVD.) Would def recommend.

madmomma Sun 03-Nov-13 08:56:10

God yes callanetics is a miracle worker. It gives you a fabulous, high curvy arse. It's no impact too,with no aerobic element. Maybe you could just do the arse bit? You only need to do it twice a week.

ouryve Sun 03-Nov-13 14:27:29

garlicbutter any chance to securing some hydrotherapy sessions or getting to aquafit? The water supports your weight, and you can use woggles, or hold onto the side for a lot of exercises and the toning exercises are really small movements.

ouryve Sun 03-Nov-13 14:31:38

As you might have guessed, my body's given up on me, too. HMS. sad

The one thing I can do is walk. Not down steep hills, though, and nowhere near as fast as I used to.

garlicbutter Sun 03-Nov-13 14:40:03

Right, I've sent off for the Callanetics DVD. From a quick browse around YouTube, it looks a lot like my old dance & Pilates exercises - I learned them in the early 90s, so my teachers will have known Callanetics. Some of these I absolutely will not be able to do, as they required sustained effort, but I reckon it'll be good to 'rediscover' those muscle groups in any case. Lazysuzanne, I liked the series your video comes from, so have subscribed.

Am still reeling somewhat from the shock of having started an exercise thread grin

garlicbutter Sun 03-Nov-13 14:47:17

Ouch, ouryve, HMS rules out most forms of exercise, doesn't it? Unless you don't mind having to re-set your joints as you go confused wink

YY, exercising in the pool would be helpful - but it's a mile walk to the pool! I can probably improvise sufficient support with cushions & things. With that in mind, I've ordered an electric pump for my blow-up ball. Do you do aquafit?

Has anybody noticed I'm better at shopping than exercising?

notyummy Sun 03-Nov-13 15:05:14

Good luck! They do make a difference. I bought after having a back op and having to stop running and circuit training. Was convinced my body would slide downhill rapidly, but Callanetics prevented it. Fast forward through Callan and her waffle at the beginning though- v irritating. And marvel at her belted high cut leotard.....

madmomma Sun 03-Nov-13 16:31:06

Good for you garlic smile

Loopyloulu Sun 03-Nov-13 16:51:14

You can do squats with your back against the wall. And you don't need to go so low to get results.

FWIW my DH was diagnosed with post viral fatigue and has been quite ill for 2-3 years but the thing that has made him recover is exercise- forcing himself to do short runs, weights at the gym and cycling. He swears that exercise helped him recover.

garlicbutter Sun 03-Nov-13 17:22:25

Great for your DH, Loopy! Of course, I've never even tried 'graded exercise' because I love being disabled hmm

Loopyloulu Sun 03-Nov-13 17:38:55

No need to be sarcastic Garlic. It was said in good faith and with the advice of his consultant neurologist. If you have tried it and it doesn't work for you fair enough. no need to be bitchy.

Lazysuzanne Sun 03-Nov-13 17:59:17

I wonder if 'yin' style yoga would be any good to you Garlic?
If you're not familiar then it's basically a smaller range of asana's but held for 3 minutes or more at a time, plenty of stuff on youtube.

In case it's of any interest this is one of my fave yoga channels:

she has quite a variety of stuff on there some of which my suit your purposeswink

Lazysuzanne Sun 03-Nov-13 18:00:00
garlicbutter Sun 03-Nov-13 18:08:07

Sorry, Loopy, one does get fed up with having this 'treatment' pushed at one, especially by government advisers and even though it's been proved a fallacy. I meant it when I said good for DH!

Thanks for that link, suzanne ... I now have so many exercise videos to watch, I can get out of actually doing them for - ooh, ages wink

<slaps own wrist>

Lazysuzanne Sun 03-Nov-13 18:14:48

I'm sure you can get some benefits just watching yoga video's, always makes me feel relaxed, it think it must make your aura fittergrin

garlicbutter Sun 03-Nov-13 18:17:41


Loopyloulu Sun 03-Nov-13 19:11:20

It was nothing to do with the government's advice- it was a consultant neurologist with an interest in ME/Fibromyalgia/ PVFS.
He advised moderate exercise but not excessive and has had patients improve on it. It helped DH and I thought I'd pass in on. Obviously no idea of your health issues other than what you have said here, or what you have already tired. But hope you get better anyway.

VeryStressedMum Sun 03-Nov-13 19:20:24

My arse is flatter than my stomach. I find putting on a long fitting top is much less tiring than doing squats.

gaggiagirl Sun 03-Nov-13 19:31:03

Gaggia no arse checking in! My bony bottom is none existent and it hurts to sit on a non sqidgy surface.
I shall join you and post a pic of my level back surface tomorrow.

ouryve Sun 03-Nov-13 20:28:49

I did a course of hydrotherapy, which, along with physio exercises (mostly simple pelvic tilts and squeezes) helped me to stabilise my lower back, which had been giving me a lot of problems of the not being able to put my socks on or sit on the toilet first thing variety. Various things happened, Winter became rather cold, and I never did get around to organising aquafit for myself when I finished, though. (I have been good and kept up the pelvis exercises.

And yes, I'm not allowed to do anything high impact, but I've been encouraged to keep on walking as much as possible. It helps with my mobility and I'm really feeling it, after half term, as it's almost impossible to take DS2 anywhere without having to scrape him off the floor every 2 minutes, lately. He's also hypermobile, so the necessary hand holding isn't good for either of us!

BoffinMum Sun 03-Nov-13 22:51:20

My arse is quite reasonable all things considered, but I'm in because I am trying to lose four stone despite having a variety of physical complaints, and it sounds like my kinda thread.

FergusSingsTheBlues Mon 04-Nov-13 07:47:54

I'm starting with Callanetics today, planning to alternate it with yogalates tomorrow...have decided to throw in some facial exercises while I'm at it!

Anybody else starting Operation Arselift today?

gaggiagirl Mon 04-Nov-13 16:51:23

starting operation arse lift today!
I have added a picture of my lack of backage to my profile.
Anyone else up for a before and after?

FergusSingsTheBlues Mon 04-Nov-13 16:54:32

Yay gaggs! I first of all need to persuade dh to do the honours.....but yes, will upload!

gaggiagirl Mon 04-Nov-13 17:22:15

Hurray fergus we will be shaking our ample buttocks in no time!.

garlicbutter Tue 05-Nov-13 03:21:43

Oh, dear, my thread's doing better than I am blush Welcome, Boff, and hello to your shapely arse as well! That is a tiny bum, Gaggia, you weren't kidding - and congrats to you & Fergus for taking your buttocks in hand (oo-er) so promptly!

Today I simply couldn't face looking at my rear view, never mind taking a picture of it or Doing Something About It. Let's just say my bum was depressed, and we hope for livelier service tomorrow. Callan's arriving in the morning, anyway, so I'll have to at least give her a go (after fast-forwarding through her irritatingly smoooooth vocal intro.)

Ouryve, is it really stupid to ask whether you can do lower body exercise while lying on the bed, or sitting in an armchair? I was thinking about the horribleness of marching around outdoors, with painful joints, in the cold & wet. I'm all for finding more comfortable ways to do the necessary.

FergusSingsTheBlues Tue 05-Nov-13 07:14:10

Sadly, my arse is wide and flat. It's like a pillow....a thin squidgy one that's had the stuffing knocked out of it.

It failed the pencil test. It's feeling a bit sorry for itself....I wonder if we can be perky by Christmas? What do you think?

ithaka Tue 05-Nov-13 07:24:19

I wonder whether a Wii fit would be good for you? It is indoors, gentle exercise, graded for all ages & abilities.

I sometimes do the wii fit yoga and although it isn't 'proper' yoga, the tablet thingy is good for keeping you straight & measuring the time you spend in a pose. It may also be a bit more fun & motivating than just sitting aboot doing kicks on your lonesome.

notyummy Tue 05-Nov-13 10:24:15

Is it just me, or would 'Garlic's Flat Arse' make a good name for an indie rock band ?

Keep going all. Callan can work wonders (if you do am exactly as she says. It is all about technique, control and getting the movement correct.

gaggiagirl Tue 05-Nov-13 12:47:23

I'm going to look into callanetics it sounds do-able.

FergusSingsTheBlues Tue 05-Nov-13 16:41:10

I've done 25 leg raises....I want to pass the pencil test by Christmas....(v unlikely)

garlicbutter Tue 05-Nov-13 17:59:16

Heh, notyummy! Here's "Sad Sack" by Garlic's Flat Arse wink
I don't see a future for this band, tbh ...

garlicbutter Tue 05-Nov-13 18:06:00

I really don't know what happened there! Can't face uploading my backside in all its shapeless glory again. This'll have to do. Ithaka, I would LOVE a wii fit, but have no money for games kit.

Callan is late (am pretending to be disappointed) so I've just done ten of those donkey kicks each side and am ... working up slowly. I walked an extra half-mile today, too, though I did offset it by stopping for a latte and a beer. Callan would be shocked.

garlicbutter Tue 05-Nov-13 18:10:30

Pencil test? Good grief, Fergus, is it actually possible to have such a high-slung bum that it won't hold a pencil?! [awestruck]

FergusSingsTheBlues Tue 05-Nov-13 19:55:23

It should be possible....after all, you'd need to raise it only an inch or so.. Do you know what I secretly reallllly want for Christmas? An I-joy ride thang. Tis a mechanical hoss......

garlicbutter Tue 05-Nov-13 20:21:42

Haha, Fergus, I had to google that! It looks like fun ... I'd rather have a Wii, mind.

For £400, couldn't you buy a real hoss? Or at least a share in one?[ignorant]

FergusSingsTheBlues Tue 05-Nov-13 22:57:28

Ten of them would buy me butt implants!

garlicbutter Wed 06-Nov-13 12:51:02

grin But you wouldn't be able to ride your gadget, for fear of displacing them!

gaggiagirl Wed 06-Nov-13 13:04:34

You have got a good butt there garlic!

I don't have enough arse to hold a pencil I wouldn't mind being able to!

Primark have lift and shape jeans they are pretty good and about £12.

garlicbutter Wed 06-Nov-13 13:23:36

Oh, I've just realised the photos hadn't gone wrong; they made a little slide show! Of my saggy arse, how special.

Thanks, Gaggia, but there's a little too much sponge and sag. I've made myself a motivational diagram grin

FergusSingsTheBlues Wed 06-Nov-13 14:10:29

Here we go, I like the motivational diagram! My arse can't only just hold a pencil....i tried first with a highlighter! however my saddlebags could hold an entire army of pencil sharpening elves. See exhibit A.

Lazysuzanne Wed 06-Nov-13 17:09:09

where abouts exactly is the pencil held in the arse/pencil test, not in the crease under the buttocks surely?

gaggiagirl Wed 06-Nov-13 18:30:00

I think that's a fab butt fergus
garlic I love the motivational diagram.

I could hold all of WH smith under my boobs.

garlicbutter Wed 06-Nov-13 19:05:22

I assume so, Suzanne shock

Gaggia, I've given up on the boob sag! Even the pecs of Superman wouldn't hold mine up - though I could probably suspend him in mid-air by wedging him underneath. They're not even that big, just floppy.

I've just been to the shop and was really feeble. Yesterday's extra half-mile wasn't a great idea, despite refreshment stops. I hurt. My bum might have to settle for a couple of half-hearted leg lifts tonight sad

I actually think you've both got very nice bums! Yours is girlish, Gaggia, and Fergus has a womanly rear end. BUT a backside can never be too perky, can it?! Best compliment I ever had was from a big Brixton momma, who was walking behind me when I lived there. "Girl," she said, "You got a black ass!" ... Perhaps you have to live in Brixton to know what an accolade that was (for a white woman) grin I'm not aiming for "black" this time round, I'll be satisfied with an even surface.

Lazysuzanne Wed 06-Nov-13 19:14:11

well boobs are different, it is possible (at least in theory) to have a rock hard solid muscle sort of arse, but thats never going to be possible with boobs.
Then again I suppose a woman with small breasts and large pectoral muscles could have solid muscle boobs hmm but then they'd be pecs not bosoms, a bottom is a bottom whether it is bowling ball or jelly.

I wish I had a much bigger behindgrin

Lazysuzanne Wed 06-Nov-13 19:15:37

Fergus, I gotta say you look as if you have good calves!

FergusSingsTheBlues Thu 07-Nov-13 07:40:42

You're very kind but the truth is I'm bit of a munter right now, three stone baby weight to shift, cs overhang that would fail the wine bottle test in front, and an ass that is both huge AND flabby!

I want a 'black ass' !!! One of my mates has the most magnificent high ass and she used to get the same compliment....

garlicbutter Thu 07-Nov-13 18:36:14

In a fresh approach (already!), I'm trying one minute of arsercise at a time, hopefully ten times a day ... Have done all of 3 sets so far. Well, it's three minutes more than I was doing!! I've also done 5 mins vacuuming, which isn't exercise but is a problem for me, so I'm giving myself a bronze star for that wink

gaggiagirl Thu 07-Nov-13 18:40:44

ARSERCISE!!!!!!!! grin just nearly weed myself laughing.

That's a great word, a word that must be spread!

garlicbutter Thu 07-Nov-13 18:56:52

grin A DVD??

FergusSingsTheBlues Thu 14-Nov-13 08:25:27

Arsercise works!

Can I just point out....exactly a week after I was on ere moaning about my arse..... Dh told me that it was suddenly v pert! Results already!..anybody else?

herbaceous Thu 14-Nov-13 10:39:56

Watching with interest. Apparently 'gluteal amnesia' is a thing, causing much sagging and flattening.

To make my arse remember what it's there for, I've discovered that walking up stairs standing as straight as possible engages those forgetful glutes, and has caused mild uplift.

squoosh Thu 14-Nov-13 11:37:15

I am going to attempt the 30 day squat challenge, my arse isn't happy about it but I've told it that it doesn't have a choice in the matter.

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