Today I did a bad thing- bikini trauma

(42 Posts)
GrumpyKat Sun 03-Mar-13 16:08:28

So today I went and tried on a bikini. In TKMaxx. What on earth was I thinking? Clearly it looked dreadful, I looked like a pale and flabby sausage in a skin two sizes too big in the worlds most unflattering lighting.
The problem is that I have to wear a bikini on the beach in just under three weeks. I've lost about a stone and a half since being quite ill last year and it's left my skin larger than me iyswim. And the illness means that I retain fluids as well, making me look odd and lumpy. I actually look ok in clothes, but DREADFUL when squished into a bikini/swimwear. I'm about a 12 on the inside and a 14 including skin!
Does anybody have any good body smoothing/toning techniques? Unfortunately I can't do any cardio exercise either so I'm just really....baggy. Particularly my thighs and tummy.
Please help!

My answer is to go for 1950's style swimwear, much more flattering.

sleepyhead Sun 03-Mar-13 16:13:27

Tankini with bottoms that are more like shorts?

Nothing would induce me to wear a bikini in a public place. Do you tan? Brown skin always looks smoother to me. Unfortunately I'm both baggy and candescently white - on the upside hmm, I burn v easily so usually wear a big baggy tshirt on the beach anyway.

AlisonMoyet Sun 03-Mar-13 16:16:17

oh ffs

you will be fine

take it with you adn wear it.

IslaValargeone Sun 03-Mar-13 16:18:16

You might want to try something like callanetics and/or light weights to start to tone up a bit. Some body brushing would get the lymphatic system going a bit and probably help with the fluid retention.
Are you able to do some gentle swimming? That would help to start toning you up.
I would also change style of beach attire too, to cover up your tummy, tankini style with shorts?
Finally, fake tan before you go, it will have a slimming effect.

ChocolateCoins Sun 03-Mar-13 16:19:05


thenightsky Sun 03-Mar-13 16:19:51

Yes, I know that baggy skin feeling too. I don't let it stop me wearing what the hell I want though on holiday. Everyone is too busy fretting about what they look like and internally going 'eeek, everyone's looking at me' that they won't even notice you. Wear a loose beach dress thingy for walking to bar/loo etc.

AlisonMoyet Sun 03-Mar-13 16:20:50

yup aborad no one cares

plus you look more stupid in british style sarongs shit

GrumpyKat Sun 03-Mar-13 16:57:05

Yeah I know no one will care except me! It's daft because I'm actually thrilled to have lost the weight- it's the only upside to a nasty disease and having to give up wine, gluten and basically everything tasty. The one thing I wasn't prepared for is that my skin doesn't seem to have noticed that the rest of me is thinner, so I look a little bit...crumpled!
I shall brush my lymphatic system and attempt artfully draped instead!

IslaValargeone Sun 03-Mar-13 17:01:21

Oh forgot to say, moisturise like the devil too.

WipsGlitter Sun 03-Mar-13 17:01:59

Swimsuit will be more flattering in the long run. Fake tan before you go. Kaftan type thing will help.

sarahseashell Sun 03-Mar-13 18:10:12

30 day shred for a couple of weeks and that daily fake tan/moisturiser stuff wink

Body brush
Fake tan
Sit next to a very fat woman

Works for me wink

nilbyname Sun 03-Mar-13 19:15:37

1950's style one piece swim suit, Asda do nice ones with shape-wear panels in the tummy.

Fake tan, body brush, moisturise like mad. Put coconut oil on every night before you go to bed. You will be silken in no time.

Get a spray tan the day before you go on holiday. Buy the correct size of swim wear.

Have a lovely cover up, a light kimino style robe would be my choice, covers arms and thighs, but leave it open at the front to create a long thin column, this gives the impression of greater slimness.

Look at for Luna website. It's owned by a mn'er, and it's retro swimwear. Absolutely stunning. Even makes me feel ok about my 9 week postpartum physique.

minibmw2010 Sun 03-Mar-13 19:39:43

Get a good one-piece, the suggestion of 50s type swimwear is a good one, they're always very flattering. Don't be too hard on yourself.

SanityClause Sun 03-Mar-13 19:44:02

Get a St Tropez tan before you go, if you have time. Tan skin just looks much better except for leathery handbag face.

SorrelForbes Sun 03-Mar-13 19:47:36

Some lovely bikinis here. I've just bought the Lou Lou set. It's very flattering indeed.

CheddarGorgeous Sun 03-Mar-13 19:52:10

Wear confidence, good posture and a smile.

Sorry, cheesy but surprisingly effective.


GrumpyKat Sun 03-Mar-13 19:53:26

Aww thanks everyone. I shall go and peruse your recommended sites now. And then I shall brush! And moisturise! I used to do the shred but am banned from anything vaguely strenuous, let alone the shred!

I'm not sure about the fake tan bit, I'll check with the consultant, but not being fluorescent white/blue would definitely help!

GrumpyKat Sun 03-Mar-13 19:56:47

Ok, I'm loving the for luna stuff, and lou lou. Does anyone know what the fit is like? True to size? Looking for a 34dd with a 12/14ish arse.

Bluemonkeyspots Sun 03-Mar-13 20:01:41

DO NOT!!! wear a one-piece!!!!!

I went on my first beach holiday in many years last summer, spent ages finding the right costume to tick all the boxes and out of a beach of at least 1000 people I was the only one in a flippin one piece. I would have been less noticeable had I turned up wearing a Ronald McDonald costume.

I am tall and a size 16/18 so thought a bikini would have been a no no but it will be the first thing I pack this year.

Have never felt so self conscious while covered up, everyone was staring.

NorbertDentressangle Sun 03-Mar-13 20:12:39

I agree that you should definitely wear a bikini! Exfoliate, moisturise, a bit of fake tan and a smile -you'll look great!

BTW your post reminded me of something that happened to me last year that might make you smile...... I went into TKMaxx early summer when the weather here was dire and bought a bikini for our holiday abroad. I was a bit apprehensive about wearing a bikini anyway but thought 'sod it' and remembered all I'd read on here that made sense. Anyway at the checkout the guy took the bikini and said to me "Thats a bit ambitious isn't it?!" . I was mortified and didn't quite know how to react or what to say to his rudeness....until I realised that he meant it was a bit ambitious buying a bikini bearing in mind the crap weather we were having grin blush.
I was just so relieved that I didn't have a go at him!

SorrelForbes Sun 03-Mar-13 20:16:21

I'm a 30GG, size 12 and ordered a 30G top (30GG not available) and a size M bottoms. The fit is great with plenty of stretch and support.

notyummy Sun 03-Mar-13 20:17:53

Agree that abroad at the beach pool, the only people in swimming costumes are 80+ year olds and self conscious Brits who manage to draw attention to themselves by wearing a one piece in the first place and then looking bashful in it.

olivo Sun 03-Mar-13 20:22:16

I disagree, since having polyhydramnios with DD2, I have always worn a swimsuit instead of a bikini, thanks to the sag left behind by all that fluid. I am never the only one and I feel soooooooo less self conscious than if it was all on display. I got 2 lovely ones from boots.

coffeeinbed Sun 03-Mar-13 20:29:37

Epsom salts in the bath water - I used then when I had cramps after running, they are really good for water retention and when you're feeling bloated.
Also - if you're feeling brave - cold/warm showers. If your budget allows Clarins Tonic or Anti-Eau oil are brilliant for this.

GrumpyKat Sun 03-Mar-13 20:33:44

I'm doing the epsom salts bit as my acupuncturist instructed, it does help and my edema (kidneys are malfunctioning) is far more under control.
Olivo I know exactly what you mean! Last October I weighed a stunning three stone more than I do now, two of which I put on in fluid in just over two weeks. The sag that it's left behind is bizarre, and I can't see that it'll ever go away. Underneath I actually have pretty good muscle structure but on the top? Good lord!

GrumpyKat Sun 03-Mar-13 20:34:57

Norbert, that could have been so embarrassing, hurrah for holding your tongue just long enough for you to get what he meant!

AlisonMoyet Sun 03-Mar-13 20:36:27

one pieces look like you have a terrible scar to cover

( at the mo - fashions chnage)

olivo Sun 03-Mar-13 20:39:50

But where do you hide the overhang in a bikini? The polyhydramnios skin hanging over two CS scars is not pretty to look at?!

GrumpyKat Sun 03-Mar-13 20:50:44

Agree Olivo, there is nowhere to hide! But, have a look at the for lola ones, they look lovely <hope hope that there's enough money in the bank account next week!>

nilbyname Sun 03-Mar-13 20:59:29

I think that a well
Chosen one piece will look great as you will wear it with aplomb!

MistyB Sun 03-Mar-13 21:06:15

Seconding For Luna!! I love mine!!

whateveritakes Sun 03-Mar-13 21:35:58

I don't know... I just think that chunky cut swimwear (a la 1950's or swim shorts) just make you look chunky. It's not like you can't see the person is a wobbly 16 or whatever.

At least a bikini doesn't leave bulges plus you look more confident (thereby convincing everyone to look elsewhere for their insecure smirking)

AlisonMoyet Sun 03-Mar-13 21:43:48

oh no to those horric retro ones

nothing says english woman abroad more, fgs
would these pants work?

AlisonMoyet Sun 03-Mar-13 21:44:09
AlisonMoyet Sun 03-Mar-13 21:44:43

the retro ones make you look like Kirsty Bloody allsop

DONT DO IT, you will look like you are an extra in a 1940s seaside drama

malteserzz Mon 04-Mar-13 08:46:41

I've not worn a bikini since my teens and I've been to many different countries and never felt self conscious in a one piece. I've never been the only one wearing one either, you should wear whatever you feel comfortable in

Iaintdunnuffink Mon 04-Mar-13 09:35:31

Like Malteserzz I haven't worn a bikini since my teens, been on holiday in many countries, never felt self conscious in a one piece and never been the only one to wear one.

GrumpyKat Mon 04-Mar-13 13:21:25

The good news is that having turfed out my cupboards and tentatively tried on my swimwear from way back fits!! Bloody all of it! So it's sit ups and sucking in for me this holiday.
The bad news bikini shopping. Oh well!

Thanks all for your opinions and assistance.

snoworneahva Mon 04-Mar-13 15:04:19

I have a lovely 1950's style gingham Seafolly (Australian) - it's gorgeous and what's wrong with looking like a Brit abroad, that's what I'd be. I quite like Brit style! grin I'm not keen on tiny bikinis but whatever makes you feel good you should wear.

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