How can I look nice again : marriage ending, 40s and feeling fugly

(94 Posts)
strongurgetofly Mon 30-Dec-13 06:25:19

Hi all I'm a regular name changer!
My marriage has come to an end and may self esteem is on the floor after years of neglect!
I'm 41, perimenopausal, other health problems which cause chronic pain plus two small children and working 3 days per week.
I have coarse curly/knotty dry hair which always needs root touch up no matter how often I dye it.

I have age spots and wrinkles, the beginnings of jowls and a crepey neck and cleavage. People always tell me how tired I look, I'm still sharing a bedroom with my 'h' (but not a bed) and I stay up late every night until I'm sure he's asleep and I have trouble with insomnia.
My upper eyelids are very puffy which is a byproduct of my illness but makes me look older and more tired.

I have a grey front tooth following root canal surgery and no amount of cosmetic bleaching can change it.
My boobs are saggy little sacks and my belly is an overstretched mess.

The chronic pain and inflammation makes waxing /epilation difficult and I rarely have time or energy to pamper myself.

I am at least half a stone overweight and only 5 feet tall so every pound counts., my arse and thighs are huge and my feet are dry and cracked.

I have much younger sisters who are stunning and I work with some very beautiful women. I used to be a 'headturner' and pretty low maintenance. I just don't know where to start. I have no time, energy or money.
In short I feel like a dried-up snaggle toothed husk.

Please help me out with a starting point, I need to get out of this rut.

tyaca Mon 30-Dec-13 12:55:47

power lash by clinique won't smudge. i didn't wear mascara for years because i panda'd after half an hour. Even waterproof etc just rubbed off.

strongurgetofly Mon 30-Dec-13 17:19:21

GinSoakedBitchyPony I know you are right. I absolutely cannot wait to be apart from him. I have appointments set up for this week and am starting to get the ball rolling.

ProjectGainsborough Mon 30-Dec-13 20:15:25

Definitely worth getting a second opinion on the tooth. I know someone who had this and they managed to get it bleached - I think at the root (?). They were delighted with the difference.

Also, I loathe my droopy upper eyelid (on one eye only - am a freak of nature) and have been using eyelid tape, which makes my eye look so much more open. According to Michelle Phan's blog, if you wear it continuously for a few months it will re-place the crease (this is possibly deluded, but the instant effects are good, anyway...check out the blog)

HappyHugs Mon 30-Dec-13 20:43:14

Strongurgetofly I beg you to invest in Boots Footner (£20 ) with your vouchers, it was my revelation of 2013. Use as instructed and for a few days you will see no change then, all of a sudden your feet start to shed all the old hard skin and you have baby soft tootsies. It's a single use product and you may need to repeat in a month or so but it's better than any pedicure I've ever had.

Also I can lose half a stone easily in 5/6 weeks on theg5:2 diet, another revelation and not v hard at all! Good luck, here's to your new beginning!

strongurgetofly Mon 30-Dec-13 23:12:39

I have been so busy I haven't had a chance to reply to all messages. I have had a low carb, high protein day today and have drank a fair bit of water/herb tea and lots of veg which will definitely improve my health. I will try and get some exercise tomorrow too.

My self image has taken a battering over the years and I really think that the winter light doesn't do me any favours.

StyleOverSubstance Mon 30-Dec-13 23:34:53

Poor you, must be a horrible situation to be in right now and very, very stressful. Some really good advice from other posts, so will add my little bit by saying join the Easter Renovators thread on S&B and follow some of the princessing posts on there and hopefully you will start to feel better and rediscover the old you. 2014 could turn out to be your year!!

mcgilly Tue 31-Dec-13 00:22:09

How about listing your strengths and good points? You've done a detailed list of the negatives, now how about the positives? We've all got some!

strongurgetofly Tue 31-Dec-13 08:33:54

Erm... Good points and strengths...
I am strong and determined in the face of adversity
I have a cracking (black) sense of humour
I am creative and imaginative
I make nice jewellery
When my hair is going well people say they like it
Ditto my face
I'm a good mother
I'm open and honest
I'm principled
I'm good at research (obsessive)
I'm thrifty

I think that's a pretty good list for starters, if I do much more I'll start adding ifs, buts and provisos so I'm quitting whilst I'm ahead!

strongurgetofly Tue 31-Dec-13 08:37:05

happyhugs a few people have mentioned footner I'll give it a whirl! I have seen a lot of people talk about 5:2, is it sustainable? I lost nearly 4 stone last year but I have let about 3/4 creep back on which I never believed would happen. I feel that my perimenopausal state makes it hard to shake the excess.

KristinaM Tue 31-Dec-13 08:44:26

Great list of strengths ! If you are strong enough to live with your ex for 6months and not kill him to you strong enough to deal with all the beauty /weightloss sh*t

tugamommy Tue 31-Dec-13 08:50:21

Just some advice on the hair colour. I also feel that i need my roots done every week when i use supermarket dyes so now i buy salon ones and do it myself. Inoa is amazing! The colour is so natural and really lasts. And it's cheaper than the others. There's just the small investment of buying the developer and a brush at the begining and that's it.

Just google inoa and salon websites will come up.

Good luck!

HeinousPieTrap Tue 31-Dec-13 09:04:53

hello lovely, some great advice here so I'll just add a little bit: I think you're still seeing yourself through his eyes. Stop that! You sound a strong and really kind and friendly woman, you must value yourself for that. All these other things are just peripheral; what makes you a worthwhile person are the things that are coming through in your posts: your honesty and friendliness. Best of luck, I hope you can get your life back on track very soon.

niceupthedance Tue 31-Dec-13 09:14:39

My tip would be to download a free hypnosis app to boost positivity and/or aid restful sleep and listen to it while lying in bed at night. Also check out the headspace app for 10 min meditations.

strongurgetofly Tue 31-Dec-13 09:18:31

I have an appointment to discuss housing this week, I'll have a better idea after that what will happen longterm, if it means we still have to share for a while I will definitely put the kids in together and enjoy the luxury of my own room. I cannot sustain this staying up late every night to avoid him. He's still umming and aahing about going out tonight so I can't make any plans. Hmm probably should be posting in relationships!
Anyway today he's taking the children to his mum's so I will enjoy some me time during which I will chill, pamper, exercise AND purchase some healthy food!

HappyHugs Tue 31-Dec-13 09:33:48

Hi again strongurge, imho the 5:2 is the only sustainable diet. I do it from 8pm to 8pm so technically i eat every day I just have a late supper on 2 days and never go to bed hungry. The other benefit is you can set your days in advance and still change them if some wonderful invitation comes up! I drink lots on the 2 diet days to keep me full but eat virtually nothing because as soon as I eat anything the hunger is worse.

strongurgetofly Tue 31-Dec-13 10:58:50

niceupthedance I like your screen name.
I have hypnosis cds stored on my phone plus the headspace app! Both which I've never used, I was thinking about them yesterday, I will pull my finger out and start using them.

strongurgetofly Tue 31-Dec-13 11:10:47

* tugamommy* I have briefly researched Inoa, there seems to be two or three types: deep cover, and natural basics and I think another one, do you mix them or buy one particular type? Is the application process the same as usual home dyeing? I'm sure I could get my head around it (no pun intended) so you buy developer, and application brush, do you mix shades? Thanks

mcgilly Tue 31-Dec-13 12:24:39

OP that list already describes a very attractive person.

strongurgetofly Tue 31-Dec-13 16:50:58

Thanks mcgilly I went out today with a bit of make up and nicely done hair. I took a shortcut across the park and effing well slipped up in the mud straight on my arse. Seriously shocked and totally covered in mud from the waist down. Luckily the there's a pub nearby where I rinsed the worst off my black wool coat so nobody could notice it was wet. My jeans didn't fare so well, toilet roll doesn't clean mud so I ended up turning my jeans inside out and wiped off my boots and continued my journey.

Is that classed as hitting rock bottom or do I still have a way to drop?

Snog Tue 31-Dec-13 19:32:50

can you ebay some of your old stuff and get a tooth veneer?

MrsFlorrick Tue 31-Dec-13 20:08:45

Strongurgetofly.

For insomnia (I suffer after DS who got up 10 times a night for 18 months confused and pain from SI joint issues). I've tried lots of things inc zopiclone which I don't rate. Not a nice sleep really.
An over the counter antihistamine works better for me.
Also try Nelsons Noctura. I didn't rate homeopathy until I tried it. No drowsy after effects at all. Really worth a try.
Otherwise try Kirkland Sleepaid (amazon). It's doxylamine which is a first generation antihistamine so drowsy.
The FDA in the US rates Doxylamine more effective than Z type sleeping drugs!
All worth a go. Sleep is so important for how you feel and how you can cope with everything.

MrsFlorrick Tue 31-Dec-13 20:14:49

Sorry posted too soon.

Chronic pain and your spinal issues. If they are causing you pain or discomfort. Get your GP to refer you for physio unless you can pay for it yourself.
I solved my SI (hip joints at the back) issues with physio privately after NHS have up on me and offered a wheelchair and opiate based pain killers. I am now 90% pain free which is most of the time really. And I can do everything I used to do.
Explore this! It can change everything! It did for me! I really thought I was on the scrap heap but not so.

Others have given good advice re your H etc. listen to them.

For weightloss join us on 5:2 threads. We are a friendly bunch. And 5:2 is easy and flexible. No special food to be bought. No cutting out of food groups and no "banned" items. It's a winner really.

MrsFlorrick Tue 31-Dec-13 20:29:53

Argh. Posted too soon again! grin

Makeup. I have what you may describe as hooded lids. I've always had this.

I don't use a lot of eyeshadow as its pointless. I use some along the lashes like eyeliner but softer because its eye shadow (lighter shade for day and darker for going out). And mascara. Voila problem solved. smile

For skin rejuvenation. Various things to try. I recommend buying some Retin A cream, often recommended on here, and using that once or twice a week. You can buy on amazon sometimes but there are other sites.

Oil cleansing. Just oil. I use rice bran oil or hazelnut oil. Put it on and wipe off with a muslin soaked in very hot water.

Avoid creams etc with chemicals in. It's made a massive difference to me.

Hair: hazelnut oil. I apply some like a serum after washing and conditioning. Any nut oil will do as they are high in protein which helps your hair.
M hair was always crap. It's now shiny and swishy for the first time in my life (I'm 40!). Wish I had known this when I was 20 hmm

MrsFlorrick Tue 31-Dec-13 20:33:53

Oh and foundation brush.

I was recommended the Real Techniques brushes on here.
They are amazing!! Makes my face look smooth and perfect. And that's no mean feat these days wink

As for your grey tooth. There are solutions. Cheaper than having it capped is the sort of stuff dentists can paint on. Back in a mo with a link.

MrsFlorrick Tue 31-Dec-13 20:39:08

This is where I get my facial and hair oils:
www.akamuti.co.uk/

They are brilliant and inexpensive compared to others.
Try the pomegranate oil too. It really smooths your skin and makes you look fresh.

Apparently you can whiten some grey off teeth but it won't be perfect. So I guess a cap is the only way for full restoration. Sorry. sad

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