Stress, husbands and exams

(13 Posts)
happychappy Sat 13-Oct-12 21:43:45

Not a good mix.

Our house has a lot of stress at the moment without my exam. I was coping ok but other half came home in bad mood and I have been unsuccessfully studying all day and he was pushing for a fight. Usually ignore and he's fine the next day. Today I responded and lost my temper. Apparently I'm unreasonably and am not allowed to study any more! Realised I'd rather finish my degree than stay married. Not sure I'll calm down though. I understand why what happened happen but the realisation about my priorities has shocked me.

VintageRainBoots Sun 14-Oct-12 07:07:39

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. I can sympathize.

I recently took an important exam---in fact, the most important exam of my life!---and finding time to study was very challenging. Hubby wasn't happy with all the time I spent studying---it left him stuck watching our daughter most of the time---but I reminded him that my success in school would benefit the entire family, not just me. Plus, the studying phase was temporary: once the exam was over, life could go back to normal. Eventually he came around and stopped complaining so much about it.

If you don't mind me asking, what are you studying and how far into your programme are you?

P.S. I'm American and still becoming accustomed to British orthography; please pardon any spelling errors.

happychappy Sun 14-Oct-12 08:21:59

I'm doing a psychology degree, and I'm at the end of my first year. I am more than usually stressed as this is exam has so much weight on it and I haven't sat an exam like this for years. Normally I would just let it go and let him have his mood. I did point that out and he grunted disagreement.

My husband is essentially v. selfish and anything he does needs a round of applause. I'm just not in the mood to be his audience. He'll get over himself or not. However given how early we are in my studies and how important they are to me (the only root out of shit jobs I don't want to do) it doesn't bode well for us.

In fact, now thinking about it when we were at the MIL she said it will be worth it and he looked decidedly unconvinced. He isn't career minded at all, hence me stuck in jobs I hate because I earn too much to change.

wilderumpus Sun 14-Oct-12 08:38:11

ah happychappy I feel your pain.

my Dh thinks my PhD is a hobby. Only since we had DS though, before he was very supportive indeed. His work is important because it earns money to pay the bills, even though we have agreed that when no children are in utero/breastfeeding we will share work and childcare which will be possible as I will be on a good wage too then, c/o the PhD.

I work in my spare time (I don't exercise or go to clubs or anything), always look after DS if he is ill etc but am still just faffing about crying and worrying about wasting time on my hobby.

ho hum. <straightens back and sticks chin out> we will overcome ladies!

thixotropic Sun 14-Oct-12 08:45:15

Grr I feel your pain.

I've just finished and dh, though broadly supportive was a bleedin nightmare at times.

Thing like having a huge strop every year cos Xmas was ruined by my studying, demanding I plan revision around when he wanted family time, rather than when it worked for me.

Moaning whenever I did shut myself away to study, oh and demanding we took holidays in May, then going fucking nuts when uni hadn't released exam dates. Not that I even wanted to take a toddler away for the week just before my final exams.

Grrr

Even more annoying, the link between attainment and earnings was clear for us, as I had guaranteed pay rise On completion.

Nice thing is he has just started a degree. Revenge will be sweet but not fattening.

wilderumpus Sun 14-Oct-12 08:56:15

thix oh dear.

DH has actually expressed an interest in doing a Masters. I wonder how he will react when I have a go at him for taking away my work time/leisure time (or just 'time') with his 'hobby' and have a hissy fit when I wanted to go to yoga but he wants to just fit in a couple of hours while DS is asleep? I have a right to exercise! I think I will have to kindly tell him that he will just have to be 'flexible' and work later instead of having down-time being downright lazy with the tele for an hour before going to bed (after a 13 hour day with DS, but whatever).

And I wonder how supportive he will be of me coming home late/vanishing to the pub after work with not even a text when he had planned to work that night (and had told me this) but instead is doing toddler bath and bed, so working until god knows when, or not at all because he is just so tired?

BAH!

happychappy Sun 14-Oct-12 09:07:37

Are your husbands bigamists, because I am sure you are speaking about my H. Though he will never study anything I don't think. so probably not. He cleaned the house and did some wahing and cooked dinner Friday (his day off) and you'd think he walked on water oh and he remembered to pick his son up from school on time (first time ever always gets there 1hr early because he forgets the football). If we wrote a list of what I manage and he copes with he would hang his head in shame but yet my hobby is interferring in our family life.

Our row was massive, I broke plates and everything, apparently I went too far. Hopefully far evough for him to leave! Because thinking about it, my life would a lot easier. In an arguement he usually tells me I can't do something or have something out of spite. I really genuiningly hadn't realised how much this course means to me and how much he resents it.

I'm too angry to talk to him about it right now but I think a conversation is really needed. I don't think he will listen or see my point of view.

VintageRainBoots Sun 14-Oct-12 09:33:37

wilderumpus, my husband, too, thinks of my PhD plans as unnecessary and a "hobby." And as with you and your husband, Hubby and I had agreed that childcare would be split 50-50---which never happened...but I can't blame him completely...his breasts wouldn't produce milk!---that I could pursue my PhD once our daughter was born, etc., but Hubby's attitude changed at some point and he began trying to talk me out of pursuing an advanced degree. Around the time our daughter was three years old, I put my foot down and told him, in no uncertain terms, that I was going to get my PhD whether he liked it or not.

That year I applied to my graduate program. Not only did I get into my program, I got a fellowship, too smile (this was in the US).

The funny thing is, I earned more money than him before our child was born, and I'll likely earn more than him again once I have my PhD. In fact, I might be able to earn more than him now with just my Masters...

thixotropic Sun 14-Oct-12 09:43:37

Oooh dead envious.

PhD is my long term goal. Looking at a MSc in the next year or so, if all goes well.

PhD is a huge slog though isn't it?

Not sure how dh will take it, but that's a problem for another day! He is pretty ok with some chores, but Yy to the wanting a bloody round of applause for any additional task. And if he asks what's for tea when I get in from work, even one more time I will not be held responsible.

VintageRainBoots Sun 14-Oct-12 20:30:28

Thixo: I guess I don't think of the PhD as a "huge slog"---though it is a slog wink---since it's something I wanted for so long. Every day that I'm on campus attending lecture, or at the library reading, or sitting at my computer trying to make some progress on research/writing, I'm so happy to be doing it. I love my daughter dearly, but I'm a much happier mum now that I'm pursuing my degree.

RoyMum Mon 15-Oct-12 08:33:45

Well i thought i would add to this as dh can be accommodating. my dh was supportive prior to ds and now I'm back still is. the difference is i don't want to be at my degree he knows id be much happier with him and ds at home but I'm not wasting the last 2 years.

it seems to me your oh is jealous that you love your learning. he wants attention hence round of applause. rather than talking about the degree why not talk about his long term goals. what matters to him? My dh just wants to know i still love him and he wants attention! if it means a bloody head massage just give it to him! that way you've done your bit and you can get back to your books. Forget anything in return though just secretly swap a bit of study for me time when you need it ;) good luck! wish i enjoyed this hideous degree!

happychappy Mon 15-Oct-12 13:14:44

Your right he does want attention but he gets attention, he resent ANY time I spend on it. I don't have any me time I, study is me time and he resents it just like any me time I have ever had. He doesn't mean to but the spoilt child inside him takes over.

This morning he was trying to be a human being again but I am still very angry but have to focus elsewhere until tomorrow afternoon.

happychappy Thu 18-Oct-12 21:27:47

Discussion had in calm frame of mind. Hopefully next time he will be more understanding

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