Dh wants to pay more maintenance

(34 Posts)
TheMumsRush Thu 26-Jun-14 10:28:02

But Exgf doesn't wan him to,why could this be? Any thoughts?

TheMumsRush Thu 26-Jun-14 10:33:34

He pays an agreed amount to her by SO. He also gives cash for school trips, uniform, school shoes and we buy clothes sometimes as well when they are with us.

BuzzLightbulb Thu 26-Jun-14 10:51:23

Perhaps she wants nothing to do with him?

They have separated, she would dearly love to have him out of her life but can't because they share a child?

Or she's in a relationship with someone who's not (yet) comfortable with this apparent generosity from her ex or even contact with him?

Why not leave it as is, enjoy being able to treat them when they're at yours, and just make the offer that if exgf is ever struggling to provide for the children to let him know?

Or put the money into savings for the kids?

TheMumsRush Thu 26-Jun-14 11:11:35

They get on fine, and she has no partner. Will it affect what she receives? He just wants to feel he's paying what he feels is right.

BuzzLightbulb Thu 26-Jun-14 11:30:59

Maintenance doesn't count towards income, doesn't affect tax credits, dunno about housing benefit.

Getting on fine when you're discussing your children is one thing, and maintenance for the children is for the children.

Pay what the CSA calculator says, it's pretty generous I should know, or what is agreed between them if higher. If she doesn't want any more she has her reasons.

Does DH want to giver her money? Or the kids?

I'm not really clear why he would want to give her money, and why you'd be happy about that?

Inthedarkaboutfashion Thu 26-Jun-14 11:34:13

Maybe she has enough money and doesn't want to take more than what she needs and sees as a fair amount. We do still have some reasonable people in the world.
Perhaps he could agree to open an account for the child and put the extra money in there.

rootypig Thu 26-Jun-14 11:38:37

Whatever her reasons, not your business. Noone has to take money that they don't want. Agree with Buzz, save the extra for the kids.

TheMumsRush Thu 26-Jun-14 11:54:45

I'm allowed to wonder why root. Not hurting anyone and no need to be so abrupt. It is my business when my DH asks me what I think.

BuzzLightbulb Thu 26-Jun-14 11:57:32

Mums, why do you think she doesn't want it?

TheMumsRush Thu 26-Jun-14 11:58:33

I didn't say I wasn't happy, I've told him he should pay what he feels is fair and to increase it if he wishes. It doesn't effect me.

TheMumsRush Thu 26-Jun-14 12:01:42

I do t know buzz, I thought it might be to do with what she receives but you say that's not so, so I'm not shut tbh. Maybe it just like you said and she just doesn't need it. We can give a bit extra directly to then instead. No big deal, was just wondering

BuzzLightbulb Thu 26-Jun-14 12:10:46

My arrangement allows for the amount to increase if my income increases, however I'm fairly sure if I suddenly decided to make an obvious increase I would be questioned about it and told to drop it back to the agreed level.

My kids are older so they tend to need money to sort themselves out rather than things bought for them so it's easier to ask them if there's anything they need and to offer to help or to be out shopping and if there's something they like, and actually need, offer to buy it.

rootypig Thu 26-Jun-14 12:24:36

When I said none of your business, I meant yours and DH's. Wondering in private together is somewhat different from speculating online about what benefits she's in receipt of.

TheMumsRush Thu 26-Jun-14 12:36:30

I think you have misunderstood me, we were not wondering what benefits she receives. You are right that is none of our business. But if it's use as an excuse to stop DH paying what he feel is right then it's very much his business (but that's not the case anyway) . He pays over the calculated rate but he's not worried about that, just wants to feel he's helping as much as he can afford. Giving the kids extra is fine but it's not alway the best way if he want it to go towards practical things. And I don't see why I'm not allowed to wonder that on an anonymous forum and maybe get a bit of insight?

My ex wrote to me a while back offering more than the pitiful csa amount.

I refused for many reasons, he was abusive and cruel, he has ignored DD for eight years, everything with him and his wife so far has been a horrible game, I don't need the money and I don't want anything to do with him. I'd rather get whatever small amount the CSA squeeze out of him (currently twelve quid) so that he is contributing something but it's not about the money.

Enb76 Thu 26-Jun-14 12:47:46

It could be that she doesn't need the money and would feel guilty about accepting it. I get support from my daughter's father and when he offered more I didn't take it at the time because I didn't need it.

Why don't you suggest that he puts the extra cash that she doesn't want into an account for his child - it can then go towards more expensive school trips, holidays etc... because it's already saved up.

TheMumsRush Thu 26-Jun-14 12:49:28

That's horrible Elenor, and I can see why you want nothing to do with a man like that. Luckily DH and ex get on fine and he's always had regular and flexible (if either need it) contact. I guess she will just let us know if she needs more, and DH will be happy to do that. I wasn't asking this question for any sinister reason, but I now feel that's how it's been taken. Oh well,

needaholidaynow Thu 26-Jun-14 12:50:04

Maybe she just doesn't think it is right to receive any more than she is entitled to? He already paysover the CSA amount, so maybe she just thinks he doesn't need to pay her any more than he already does. I wouldn't worry about it too much as he's offered and she's turned the offer down. At least she will know that she can always ask him I the future for more help if she feels she needs it.

TheMumsRush Thu 26-Jun-14 12:50:51

Enb, I will suggest that to him. He has two dc with her and you never know when a big expense might come up. Thanks

Enb76 Thu 26-Jun-14 12:50:51

Quite a few people here seem to always look for the ulterior motive when it comes to non-resident parents. I wouldn't worry about it.

I've just realised my post might read as though I'm saying your DH is like my ex, I'm really sorry. That's really not what I meant and it was just to give you an idea of some reasons for refusing extra, in case it helped at all.

But the biggest thing for me was not wanting any kind of strings, and sticking to the CSA amount is the best way for me to achieve that.

TheMumsRush Thu 26-Jun-14 13:03:41

That's ok Eleanor, I got where you were coming from but did want to clarify that DH is not like that smile

purpleroses Thu 26-Jun-14 13:50:19

I would guess she likes to feel that she's supporting them largely herself and doesn't want to feel indebted - she might think that if she takes more money from him he'll have some sort of say in how it's spent that she doesn't want him to have. Maybe she thinks the money is more than sufficient to cover his share of the costs.

None of her benefits will be affected by how much he pays.

I'd encourage your DP to just give her the amount she's happy to receive, and make it clear he's happy to chip in for other big expenses if she asks him to. Then put any extra aside as rainy day money - for the DSC or yourselves if needed.

tiredandsadmum Thu 26-Jun-14 14:20:29

what a lovely dad smile

The saving idea sounds a great alternative. College, uni, 1st flat will be expensive so the extra there will probably be very welcome.

McPhee Thu 26-Jun-14 14:27:53

It makes a change to read a refreshing thread. So many people moan, including me, about dad's shirking financial responsibilities.

Lovely!

TheMumsRush Thu 26-Jun-14 14:32:15

Thank, he is a good dad, they are good kids and are fab big siblings to ds.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Thu 26-Jun-14 16:24:22

If my DP wanted to pay more than what he should I would rather he saved it for the kids- their mum is very frivolous and I know we could put the money to better use than she can. Xx

wheresthelight Thu 26-Jun-14 23:41:50

Hey mums do you think she could be taking it as him saying she isn't providing properly?

I would suggest that if she is adamant she wonwon't take the extra could your dh pay it into the kids accounts and call it their allowance?

AdoraBell Thu 26-Jun-14 23:51:04

Sorry, haven't read through, but if he wants to pay more and she isn't willing to accept it he could put the excess into a savings account for the DC for when they are older.

DoingItForMyself Thu 26-Jun-14 23:55:03

I long for the day when I don't rely on exH's contribution to my household, I'd love to be able to provide for my DCs without feeling beholden to him and without having him question how this is spent and refusing to buy them anything when they're with him because "that's what I pay all that money to your mum for", while spending money on treats for himself and then pleading poverty.

I'd also wonder if he started paying me more if at meant he would have them to stay for fewer nights, meaning a higher CSA amount. Could that be an issue?

TheMumsRush Fri 27-Jun-14 07:19:31

No it's nothing to do with over night, he'd have them more if he could. It doesn't go through csa, it's a private arrangement. It really it just a case of him wanting to feel he's providing what is affordable to him. DH has never worried that she doesn't provide for them, it's nothing to do with the care. Last night I suggested the account thing and he seemed to think that was a good idea. smile

Don't get me wrong, it's not all been plain sailing, we've had a few bumps along the way but we are all in a good place right now. I think DH is happy in he feels he's doing all he can at this time (hopefully move closer to be around kids more) and things are calm grin

wheresthelight Fri 27-Jun-14 19:29:14

Mums sorry I wasn't suggesting that he thought she didn't provide properly but that she might think that is what he is trying to say iyswim

I think the account is definitely the best way to go for now

Happybeard Sun 29-Jun-14 08:23:12

I wouldn't take more either. I would assume it was some kind of power play. If she gets used to the money he could pull it at any time.

Also, she may feel she has enough. If ex suggested this pahahahaaa I wouldn't accept it and would suggest he put it in savings account for dd.

Alita7 Sun 29-Jun-14 23:54:24

My opinion is that a certain amount of money would go on the kids and then there would be some left over, maybe the ex is actually being honest and her child benefit, any tax credits and her income as well as the current maintenance is more than enough to meet their needs and provide treats and extras so any more money would only increase what she could spend on her self or mean the kids get spoilt?

I would love to be in a position for dp to be able to give enough maintenance and have enough left over to afford expensive days out or holidays with the kids as well as building up trust funds. How abouy putting the money towards benefitting the kids in your time with them? You could also pay for better clubs or tutoring instead?

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