DP and his divorce

(103 Posts)
Alibally28 Thu 05-Jun-14 19:06:10

Ok so DP is finally filing for divorce after 5 yrs of separation which I am delighted about it all but I am annoyed she wants to keep his surname.

I know it's not really a big deal and she says she wants to have the same name as the kids.

I don't even know why but it really really bothers me. The only connection I want DP to have (and he wants) is the kids.

I know it's a bit selfish of me but is it normal to feel like this?!

gingermopped Thu 05-Jun-14 19:17:46

U can understand both sides!

my dp is mid divorce (separated 6yrs) she kept his name, we hav a baby on way and I hate the thought of her having same surname as my child but I don't! sad

VanitasVanitatum Thu 05-Jun-14 19:24:31

It would be completely unreasonable to expect her to change her surname to a different name than that of her children.

ginger why don't you use your surname for your dc, or double barrel.

Alibally28 Thu 05-Jun-14 19:25:27

I never thought of that. Now I'm even more wound up. Lol.

It doesn't seem to bother him though. So I don't know why it's bothering me so much.

Kaluki Thu 05-Jun-14 19:26:18

On the flip side this is why I don't want to marry DP. I don't want the same name as his ex and I don't want me DP and DSC to have the same name and my DC to be the odd ones out!
I can see both sides because if my ex and I had married I think I would have kept my married name for the dc too.

Youdontneedacriminallawyer Thu 05-Jun-14 19:27:47

The name your DHs ex uses is none of your business. And anyway, unless its a really unusual name she's unlikely to be the only Mrs xxx around.
YABVU

basgetti Thu 05-Jun-14 19:29:26

Surely you must have known she would keep his name if she hadn't yet reverted to her maiden name after being separated for 5 years?

Ginger give the baby your name. I never understand women just accepting they have to have a different name to their children.

Whatever21 Thu 05-Jun-14 19:36:29

Grow up - truly pathetic.

Do you know the hassle it takes to change your name, let alone travelling with a child with a different name. I was married for 18 yrs - I can not be arsed to change my name again.

Absolutely none of your business what she does with her name.

Alibally28 Thu 05-Jun-14 19:40:28

But she is not going to be married to him so why keep his name?

It doesn't help that I don't particularly like her.

It's a silly thing I know but I don't think I am being 'very' unreasonable.

I just don't fully understand why she would want to keep his name. I think she always hoped he would go back to her.

Also I am not stupid- I know she will not be the only 'mrs DP' around. But DP is not her hubby anymore.

riverboat1 Thu 05-Jun-14 19:43:51

Try to just see the name as a meaningless label. And it really is, the whole concept of women taking men's surnames is ridiculous and sexist anyway. It's unfortunate that it's just more practical for both parents to have the same surname as their children, for travelling purposes etc.

I get where you're coming from, but I doubt anyone around you will be thinking about it or attaching even a 10th of as much significance to it as you.

hesterton Thu 05-Jun-14 19:45:23

You are being incredibly silly and childish about this.

Lots of divorced women keen their married name - I did, why should I have a different name from my dc?

I'm marrying again and will chanhe then but it feels ok now my dc have grown up.

Unlike you.

Alibally28 Thu 05-Jun-14 19:46:46

Thanks riverboat - I know it's silly to let it bother me and on the gran scheme of the divorce if that's the worst thing then I guess it's a good day.

I just don't think I would keeping ex's name but I appreciate it's different when kids are involved - I just need to get my head round the issues I have with it.

Alibally28 Thu 05-Jun-14 19:50:28

I have already agreed it is silly of me to be annoyed by it- why are you calling me childish and not a grown up- just because I don't think like you or have the same experiences as others. I thought mumsnet was a place to vent or look for advice/ reassurance? I don't need to be put down by someone I don't even know.

Hup Thu 05-Jun-14 19:53:13

He may very well go back to her if you continue to be so petty! I still have ex DH's name and would find it very odd that a new partner would have issues with this. Do you spend time with his children? Are you this precious with them?

hesterton Thu 05-Jun-14 19:54:36

Yes sorry. That was a bit rude of me. Forgive me.

Marnierose Thu 05-Jun-14 19:55:04

Well my parents are divorced and my mum kept HER name. Why should she change it? It's part of her identity.

None of your reasons are valid in my opinion and it makes you sound a bit insecure about your relationship.

Standinginline Thu 05-Jun-14 19:55:12

Partners ex has done the same. It's been her surname though since she was 18 (she's 35 now ) so anything she's ever done has been in that name (mortgage ,driving license etc...). All her kids have the same surname (including the ones she had after she split from partner but aren't his ). My kids have his surname ,I don't ,but doesn't really bother me. Never really thought about tbh.

doziedoozie Thu 05-Jun-14 19:56:14

I've been married for years. If I divorced I wouldn't go back to Miss maiden name, it would look like I had never married and that I thus didn't have DCs. Very strange idea, I would def keep exDH's name, the same as my DCs.

So you are being unreasonable imo.

Don't you have sisters in law with your surname (ie DH's) - I have a sister in law with the exact same name as me. That's life.

Viviennemary Thu 05-Jun-14 19:56:54

I can see why you're annoyed. For myself I certainly wouldn't want to keep a surname after I divorced even though it would be easier to have the same name as the DC's. But you should keep out of this one.

doziedoozie Thu 05-Jun-14 19:58:09

Not saying that single women can't have children, just that having been a married-with-children one for years I wouldn't be happy to change to a single person identity again unless it suited me for some reason

Alibally28 Thu 05-Jun-14 19:58:35

I spend a lot of time with the kids actually and I care about them very much but this post isn't about my relationship with his kids.

Hesterton- I don't know if you are being sarcastic or not!

TheHouseatWhoCorner Thu 05-Jun-14 19:58:40

Its not his name, it's her name. Why should she change her name if she doesn't want to?

MrsDiesel Thu 05-Jun-14 19:59:09

I have kept my ex husbands name. I like it, it is the same ad my children and if it annoys his new girlfriend then well so much the better grin

meditrina Thu 05-Jun-14 19:59:56

It really helps if you choose a permanent surname in early adulthood - either with first career or first marriage.

She chose her adult name. Her choice. Leave her to it.

ZenNudist Thu 05-Jun-14 20:00:25

It's normal for divorced women to keep their married name. It's petty of you to be annoyed by this. Is there a back story to why you're so paranoid? Trust issues?

ZenNudist Thu 05-Jun-14 20:00:25

It's normal for divorced women to keep their married name. It's petty of you to be annoyed by this. Is there a back story to why you're so paranoid? Trust issues?

RandomMess Thu 05-Jun-14 20:01:52

I kept my married name when I divorced! Why wouldn't I???? My ex was horrible, and my dds dad I couldn't write him out of my life...

Besides anything else I don't think I could be bothered with the hassle.

Tappergirl Thu 05-Jun-14 20:02:43

Get used to it. Unless she remarries, it is such a hassle to change your name - bills etc. it's not a big deal, put yourself in her shoes, would you change your name back to your maiden name??

expatinscotland Thu 05-Jun-14 20:02:48

It's her name, too. I don't blame her one bit. I'd do the same.

Alibally28 Thu 05-Jun-14 20:03:44

I don't even know eh it annoys me so much. I know it really shouldn't . I don't have any trust issues at all. I love DP so much and I know he does me too, I know I really new to just get over this - Jim more frustrated now that it's annoying me so damn much- there really is no need!!

MirandaWest Thu 05-Jun-14 20:05:12

I've just got divorced and tbh I wouldn't have taken kindly my XHs girlfriend suggesting I should change my name. It's my name, I've had it for nearly 15 years and I didn't want to change it. Partly because of having the same surname as the children but partly because it's my name and I'm used to it smile

wannaBe Thu 05-Jun-14 20:06:05

I don't get why you are in the slightest bit concerned about what your dp's ex does with her name.

did you also expect her to e.g. give back her wedding ring? The name is hers - by law - and that of her children, why should she change it?

I am divorced and I wouldn't even consider changing back my name because it's ds's name also. If I remarried I would change it then but not before.

You do sound very insecure about your relationship to be getting worked up over something so incredibly trivial.

Incidentally, why did he wait five years to get divorced - did she prevent it?

You could always call yourself 'The Current Mrs xxxx' grin

Seriously, you really need to try not to let it get to you, there is always going to be a connection between her and your dp because of the children, as long as you feel secure with him it's a minor detail really.

TheFallenMadonna Thu 05-Jun-14 20:08:28

It's her name.

My mum remarried this year. She has kept the surname that she has had for 38 years, that became her name when she married my dad.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Thu 05-Jun-14 20:09:15

God I would change my name back ! Seems like clinging on to the past ! Wonder is she is still calling herself 'Mrs'.

Mil has kept her name - the ex husband who beat her, broke her arm,shagged everything that would stay still long enough, absolute bastard of a man, but the thought of people thinking she was never married- bothers her confused

balenciaga Thu 05-Jun-14 20:09:19

I'd be the same op

Tbh perhaps I'm sheltered but I'm surprised at the amount of women on this thread alone that have kept their married name, each to their own and that but personally after my short lived farce of a first marriage I couldn't wait to get rid of exes name! It didn't bother me one bit not having same name as my ds it was the connection to ex I wanted shot of grin

Also dh was married before too and his ex has changed hers back. straight away too iirc

There's nothing you can do about it though unfortunately but like I say it would wind me up too

TortoiseUpATreeAgain Thu 05-Jun-14 20:09:28

It's her name now -- taken on under different circumstances so that it would be the same as his, sure, but it's still hers.

Alibally28 Thu 05-Jun-14 20:09:44

I'm not insecure. Just highly strung at the moment.

Affordability was the main reason.

I thought (naively ) that if you get divorced your name would/should automatically change back since you are no longer legally tied. Anyway , after reading these posts I'm thinking I am being totally unreasonable. So just going to get on with it. Me feelin like this won't change anything anyway.

Shit, didn't mean current as such, the new is probably better, gah, when trying to be 'light' backfires, sorry!

hesterton Thu 05-Jun-14 20:10:44

Not being sarcastic. I'm usually not rude here and I was then and I am sorry.

I think your post made me feel like exwives are supposed to pretend all the years they had with exh are supposed to be wiped out, negated. You can't do that.

You still share an important part of his past with him especially when dc are the evidence.

SongsAboutB Thu 05-Jun-14 20:11:26

I think you are a bit over involved with her, you shouldn't allow your happiness to be reliant on her actions, or lack of actions in this case. Focus on your own life and the things that make you happy that you can control. Her personal choices are really none of your business.

Her name is her choice, she almost certainly hasn't given any thought as to what you think on this matter, and nor should she.

Bonsoir Thu 05-Jun-14 20:11:45

My DP's exW used her maiden name almost exclusively when she was married to DP. On divorce she requested the right to continue to use his surname and had used it almost exclusively ever since confused. She has a long-term partner with whom she lives confused confused.

hesterton Thu 05-Jun-14 20:12:43

But you know you don't have to marry him to change your name to his if that's what you want.

MaryWestmacott Thu 05-Jun-14 20:13:03

OP - it's her name now, I know to you it's 'his' but she changed her name on marriage, how long were they married? I got married at 28 years old, I graduated at 22 so I had 6 years of my career as my maiden name, however I've had far more years working as my married name. I've just become a SAHM so it does'nt really matter, but the number of people who know me with my maiden name in a work or social situation are very few and far between these days.

I don't think of myself as my maiden name anymore, I think of myself as my married name, it's not DH's name, it's mine.

Is it a completely unusual name? I can see why that might be harder to deal with, but chances are there's several "Mrs [DP's surname]" in your town anyway.

It is a connection between them, but your DP was married to her, they have DCs together, they are connected. She will always be his ex-wife. She will always be his children's other parent. She will always be the person he shared years of his life with, you will have to find away to accept that.

Watercolourfootballs Thu 05-Jun-14 20:13:17

We got married comparatively young. I've been called my married name almost as long as my maiden one now. It isn't just my DH's name, it's my name and part of my identity.

Heaven forbid my lovely DH and I got divorced I wouldn't for a moment consider changing it.

You do realise you are effectively trying to wipe her existence out.

You can't. She will always have been first wife with all that entails. You have to accept that he wants to be with you now and let that be enough.

I don't want to be rude but you are being incredibly unreasonable you know...

hesterton Thu 05-Jun-14 20:13:19

But you know you don't have to marry him to change your name to his if that's what you want.

NickiFury Thu 05-Jun-14 20:13:41

I kept my married name because once I had children that was their name and I wish to remain connected to them, they are my family and that is our family name. It's got jack all to do with wishing to retain any connection to him.

I hope that helps you see what is probably going through her mind. It's nothing to do with him at all.

Alibally28 Thu 05-Jun-14 20:13:41

Hesterton - thank you. I see where you are coming from.

Well the thread certainly gives me food for thought xx

TheFallenMadonna Thu 05-Jun-14 20:15:06

Good Lord. I find it outrageous to suggest that a woman should be compelled to change her name if her husband decides he no longer wants to be married to her... Seriously, my mum was MrsSurname for over half her life. She has to change it because she and my dad are (amicably) divorced? Her new husband has no problem with her still having the same surname as her ex husband. He's a sensible man.

basgetti Thu 05-Jun-14 20:15:42

I thought (naively ) that if you get divorced your name would/should automatically change back since you are no longer legally tied.

But that implies that a woman's name and identity is only linked to her marital status and is at the whim of a husband staying married to her. In reality it becomes her name too, especially when children are involved. So why should she lose it just because her marriage fails?

DocDaneeka Thu 05-Jun-14 20:19:06

I like my married name a whol e lot less than my maiden name. My married name is quite an ugly name.

BUT

I have to say I would probably keep it if I did ditch dh (no plans to...) all my professional qualifications are in my married name, and some of my academic ones. my work email, all my (shamelessly networked) work contacts know me by that name, Mortgage and vehicles in my married name, and it is the same as the DCs.

Far too much hassle and detrimental career wise to change back I think. Might feel different if I fell out with him and LTB mind, but my point is it might not be any feeling of connection to him or their shared past on her part, just convenience and career expediency.

moonfacebaby Thu 05-Jun-14 20:19:16

God, I'm getting rid of my married name as soon as my divorce is through - I cannot bear the thought of keeping the adulterous, lying shitbags name for any longer than I have to.

Mind you, I double barrelled mine so it won't be drastically different & my kids will have a similar name too.

ScarlettlovesRhett Thu 05-Jun-14 20:23:35

My married name is now my name - it is what everyone I have met in the last 13 years knows me as. My passport, driving license, bank stuff, car ownership, insurance, phone, sky, etc etc etc are all in that name. The schools, my work colleagues, my children's friends parents etc etc all know me as that name. My children have grown up with their dad, me and them having the same surname so this is their 'normal'.

I have not been my maiden name for a long time, that is no longer a part of my current identity - I am, and will remain, Mrs xxxxx, because that is who I am.

It really is sod all to do with you what someone else calls themselves tbh - it does not affect your life one bit so should occupy none of your time or headspace.

If you're that bothered, perhaps you can persuade your partner to change his surname to something different?
He probably won't though, due to the list I gave in my first paragraph.

hesterton Thu 05-Jun-14 20:25:39

Your maiden name is just another man's name anyway, and for many of us, not necessarily a man we liked or respected much.

I admired a friend of mine and her husband who chose themselves a totally random new name when they got married! It was rather elegant. Sheridan.

Maybe your dp would do that with you?

Butterflyspring Thu 05-Jun-14 20:29:52

why should a woman change her name back to her maiden name and then have a different name to their children?

I kept his name when we split - well it is mine now, and has been for nearly 20 years, and it is of course my children's name too. Knowing the OW is furious about it makes me rather pleased actually. Especially as he won't marry her.

slithytove Thu 05-Jun-14 20:31:17

I think it's quite appalling you feel this way actually.

It's nothing to do with you what her name is, especially if you are expecting her to change it (money and shitloads of effort) and have a different name to her kids (shitloads of hassle).

Do you have an opinion on what she should do with her wedding ring too?

Incidentally, would your DH be ok with their kids having their name changed to his ex's maiden name?

slithytove Thu 05-Jun-14 20:33:09

I mean, surely she isn't the only one. Do you have a mil? Does DH have a brother? Any wife of his would be Mrs XXX too.

I'm currently one of three in the same family, I've never thought twice about it.

But, imagine this.. If you get married, you will always be the second mrs xxx. Regardless of what the ex wife is now called.

He doesn't own the name, it's her surname too, why should she change it?

Admiraltea Thu 05-Jun-14 20:40:08

All of my professional life is known by married name, since early 90's!!! Tried for 6 months to revert to maiden name and never recognised it when spoken to at work..."is that me?" scenario.

Have changed a bit but though like my maiden name don't have any positive relationship with my dad so which man's name would you tell me I have to have?

I have the name that I recognise after many years as mine. It is my "stage name" but I have none that is just mine.

Also I do not get queried taking my children on holiday as we all have the same surname. I see it as the new chapter that will make that surname a different and new interpretation.

If current partner wants it...welcome...make it your own..same as Grace Jones, Tom Jones and Catherine Zeta- Jones

mineofuselessinformation Thu 05-Jun-14 20:40:45

Sorry, going to be a bit unsympathetic here....
I was know as Mrs XH for over twenty years. It's the same surname my children have. Why should I have to go through all of the trouble of changing my name?
If the OW married him, takes his surname and doesn't like the fact that I still have it too, that's her issue to deal with, not mine.
I appreciate that's not your situation, but hope you can see my point.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain Thu 05-Jun-14 20:42:16

Why doesn't he change his surname to yours?

Admiraltea Thu 05-Jun-14 20:51:08

Quite an interesting point here though...on marriage he gave a name!

Only thing that on face value is worth no money but is the one thing given I still keep...and has significant value to my day to day ease of living and to change (as have children) would create work.

And he can't take it back!

CountryGal13 Thu 05-Jun-14 20:54:05

I think your getting a hard time op. I understand some of the points being raised but I'm still thankful that my husband's exw has reverted back to her maiden name.

Admiraltea Thu 05-Jun-14 20:54:22

Think I need to head over to the feminism thread...why does a man's surname hold so much value!

Eg why instead of Johnson could someone not be Annedaughter?

slithytove Thu 05-Jun-14 20:59:05

It's not a mans surname. It's her surname that she shares with her children.

And surely feminism is all about choice. Presumably, she chose to change her name, and is choosing to keep it now.

I don't think OP is getting a hard time at all, considering her opinion is actually kind of offensive. It's like she wants to wipe out their relationship history.

Admiraltea Thu 05-Jun-14 21:05:26

slithytove thanks..was getting a bit sidetracked ...I love that I have our "family" name and my children love that our names are all the same.

Admiraltea Thu 05-Jun-14 21:08:19

OFGS our children...doing spectacular fail posts...happily divorced all amicable.

balenciaga Thu 05-Jun-14 21:17:12

Well I wanted to wipe out my relationship history with my ex. The only good thing to come of it was my ds and he was a bloody miracle considering I couldn't stand the twat in the last few years of being with him grin

Dh says same about his ex tbh

slithytove Thu 05-Jun-14 21:22:43

Yeah, so keep or change, people should do what works for them. As opposed to trying to please their ex husbands new partner hmm

balenciaga Thu 05-Jun-14 21:27:24

Yeah I get you slithy that's true whatever works for the individual

ForeskinHyena Thu 05-Jun-14 21:39:06

Another one who still has ex's name, albeit double barrelled with mine, as it's just too much hassle to change it. I've changed on Facebook and on anything new (waitrose card etc) that isn't too official I use my maiden name. Everything official I'm now Ms Mine-His.

May or may not change it all after the divorce is final, whenever the fuck that actually happens, but for now, my DCs like that we all share a name and fortunately if we both change back to un married names the DCs will still share both names.

I have absolutely no interest in my ex, have a wonderful DP (whose own DCs have his surname not his ex-GF's) and he doesn't mind me having my ex's name as it's a nice name and it's who I am, it's who I was when he met me.

allthingspossible Thu 05-Jun-14 21:41:39

Oh dear, this is so much more than just a surname evidently. I wonder if you are really prepared for the trials of family blending with children you have / will have with your partner/ new spouse and step-parenting his children with her, as you you cannot wipe his former family and all that entails out of the main picture. I fear that children both sides will suffer as a consequence of the behaviour of the adults involved.

doziedoozie Fri 06-Jun-14 07:55:23

I was a second wife and remember having a night out with 2 other second wives, by chance. Fortunately none of the first wives appeared through the door as they probably would have had their eyes dug out by a spanner, absolute hatred, sheer jealousy really. Can't justify it, ridiculous in fact, but the emotions were there.
More to do with self esteem issues on our part I think. But over time the feelings fade thank goodness. Though I'm still surprised at how strong the feelings were, strange.
Though there weren't any self help books or MN around much in those days so nowhere to get advice.

brdgrl Fri 06-Jun-14 08:55:12

I think you are upset about other issues, perhaps with good reason, and this is just a symbolic one. Don't let it bother you or even give it a moment's thought. It's not uncommon, and doesn't have to indicate anything unusual or troubling. I can see why she'd keep it.

I don't feel any less married to my DH or less a part of the family because I don't share the same last name - and the reverse - sharing a name doesn't make one married or part of a family.

HobinRood Fri 06-Jun-14 09:00:30

Putting a different spin on it - and would be interesting what others think of this one. When DSD's mum had her little boy (different dad to DSD) she wanted to give him DH's surname so he and DSD would share the same.

To be honest, I didn't bat an eyelid when DSD told me but DH didn't like it at all. I can't imagine what his dad said about it all either - well he must have put his foot down because he did end up with the same surname as his dad.

brdgrl Fri 06-Jun-14 09:06:18

Hobin, but had the ex kept the name? So that really what she wanted was to give the second child what was now her name, too? Or did she have her original maiden name and DSD a different one from her?

NickiFury Fri 06-Jun-14 09:10:22

Well it's her family name now so she can do what she wants with it imo, If she feels that's the right thing for her family then crack on. Don't know if I would do same though, it's all a bit confusing. I think I would probably double barrel with maiden name and we would all go by that name.

HobinRood Fri 06-Jun-14 09:10:49

DSD's mum and he were never married brd so it does make it more strange from that aspect.

NickiFury Fri 06-Jun-14 09:13:06

But ONLY if real dad wasn't involved.

brdgrl Fri 06-Jun-14 09:14:31

Yes, that is odd then, Hobin.
We have three different surnames between us all, and it has never been a problem with schools, travel, etc. The kids are all proud of their individual name!

yoyo27 Fri 06-Jun-14 09:48:21

I was married for a long time, and would've kept my surname when we divorced, to be the same as my four children with him.

However, when I was pregnant with my fiance's baby, the baby would've been referred to as 'Baby (ex husbands surname)' so I actually changed my surname. So my fiancé and I have the same surname, but aren't married, with two children with the same surname as us. My older children have their dad's surname ( but actually want to change it when they're old enough)

rosepetalsoup Fri 06-Jun-14 11:11:40

Hi OP,

I can completely relate - I remember being so wound up that my DH's ex had kept his surname. I knew it wasn't rational, but I think I wished she wanted to get rid of it (like some of the posters on here who can't wait to be shot of the ex's surname). For me that would have seemed 100% proof she wanted to move on (btw she left him, and only switched to his name during the breakup). Also there was a moment of grief realising the fresh, fun decision over names was not there for us because it was a second marriage. I felt like the black sheep of an existing, intact family (albeit who hated each other and lived in different houses). I kept my surname and gave our DC my surname too.

Several years later I'm very happy. I feel like me and my DC with our name are the family majority (in our dat-to-day home) and DH joins in too. Over the years I have realised actually that I don't want to be connected to Dh's broader family by surname as many of them aren't that nice.

I think your feelings are being motivated by the chaos of divorce and the anxiety that the negotiations aren't yet over. Probably some base part of you worries that the ExW won't properly split, that you and your DP won't really be free to have a new life. But they really will be properly divorced, and then you can marry him if you want!

Hang in there, these things do get much better with time. Be strong! Lead a new family unit rather than joining an old one. xx

rosepetalsoup Fri 06-Jun-14 11:13:53

p.s. Also this will change if the ex gets a new partner. I was so stressed that my DP's exW was still 'Mrs', but as soon as she started dating she quickly shifted it to Ms!!!

zipzap Fri 06-Jun-14 14:25:43

I know someone who was going to be second wife but had same first name as wife one, so was v worried about becoming 'Anne 2' (not real name).

The dh solved it by changing his surname - dropped it and used his middle name as a surname (luckily it was one that worked well as either). He did it by deed poll on the morning of the wedding so his new wife automatically became Mrs middlename. Obviously they had discussed and decided on all this in advance but decided not to tell anyone so they found out at the wedding when the groom said 'do you mr xxx middlename take miss yyy zzz to be your wife'

Lots of people thought it was lovely they had chosen their surname together and were both starting with a new name. The dad however was furious as he took it as a personal insult to his family name and felt betrayed - even more so because he found out when everyone else did, which must have made for an unexpected atmosphere at the reception!

shey02 Sat 07-Jun-14 10:33:17

Agree with PP, it's what most divorced women do. We keep our married name as it is the same as our childrens. That is important to us, them and totally normal. How awkward for school issues and when travelling and at the doctors, etc. etc. etc. if you have to keep correcting people, actuall it's Mrs.... Actually they are my children, No, I am their mother......

Happybeard Sat 07-Jun-14 11:49:37

I understand both sides. I hate dps ex still having his name. But I like the fact that my mum still has my dad's name after 15 years of divorce as it means she is the same as my sister and I (although I've changed mine now as got married). She was devastated by the divorce and being stripped of the name she'd has for 25 years would have been heartbreaking.
What I don't understand though is why ex had to refer to herself as "Mrs" hmm I hate that. Ms would surely be more appropriate.

Happybeard Sat 07-Jun-14 11:53:50

Oh and there's the career aspect that I don't know if anyone's mentioned? If you've become well known in your field or even may have your name tied up in a business name or something then you would be wise to keep it.

MirandaWest Sat 07-Jun-14 12:02:58

I'm divorced and called Mrs. I don't like Ms so it's not what I call myself.
Am pretty sure that when XH and his girlfriend get married that she won't change her surname so I'm not taking her place I don't think smile

shey02 as a mother who has never had the same surname as her DCs I would have to disagree that it's any hassle, it isn't, not at all. I can see why those who had chosen to have the same surname as their DCs would want to keep it though.

MuttonCadet Sat 07-Jun-14 12:13:42

When DH and I got married we used my maiden name and his surname, so the names aren't the same.

(Ex changed hers back by deed poll anyway, but it wouldn't have made a difference).

MsColouring Sun 08-Jun-14 08:20:21

I got my divorce this week and am not changing my name right now for the following reasons:

I am getting married next year so it will change then anyway.
I can't be doing with the hassle of changing my name on everything.
To change back to my maiden name would be like going back in time - that's not who I am any more.
Initially I kept my name to be the same as my kids.

I am Ms not Mrs. (I cringe when I'm called Mrs.)

No point on dwelling on the fact my dp's ex still has his name. There are bigger things to worry about.

possiblyprecious Sun 08-Jun-14 12:03:36

I have some similar issues myself. Except that I don't think my DP will probably ever file for divorce. I see his wife on Facebook frequently and it grates that she has his name.

I will say though that I'm finding it less awful than I expected that my DD (to my DP) has his name not mine.

I haven't resolved my issues within myself yet, but I advise you to try and let it go, at least outwardly, as no good will come of making an issue out of it.

I kept my ex's name for several years after divorce. Nothing to do with not wanting to move on, plenty to do with having so much other stuff to deal with that it was a complete non-issue for me.

When we divorced, I gradually reverted back. Some things are probably still in my married name. I don't really care.

The bit that I failed to understand was the desire by the OW to have his name as quickly as possible. They married very shortly after ex and I divorced and all I could think was that in her situation I would have kept my name. (I wanted to originally, but compromised because it upset ex - should've known!)

I'll be marrying my DP soon. Second marriage for both of us. Neither of us will be changing our names.

thebluehen Mon 09-Jun-14 15:32:36

I have kept my married name after splitting with ex h 12 years ago!

It's my ds name and mine. Exh just happens to have the same name wink

VodkaJelly Fri 13-Jun-14 21:19:41

I have been divorced for 15 years and still have my EXH surname. Not because I still love him and want him back so keeping hold of the name like an eternal flame of hope - but because I am bloody lazy and changing name is a real bloody faff. I left him and most definatley do not want to get back with him

I never knew until I joined MN that there was an issue with divorced women keeping their surname and tonight on this thread I have just learnt that there is an issues with divorced women calling themself Mrs.

I call myself Mrs EXH surname and I didnt give a frig what anybody else thinks of it. I have the same surname as my 2 older kids and I like that. My younger 2 kids have DP's surname as he is their dad.

I dont know if EXH's new DP likes the fact that I have kept the surname, I dont really care to be honest. My DP has never been married but if he was divorced I wouldnt give it a second thought about his ex and which surname she is using.

BruthasTortoise Fri 13-Jun-14 22:19:09

My DHs ex had a fit when we got married and I changed my name despite the fact that she had reverted to her maiden name as soon as they split. She felt that it was excluding her from the DC lives as she was the only one with a different surname. She's quite a strange woman though.

Fairylea Fri 13-Jun-14 22:31:49

I'm really genuinely surprised how many people would or have kept their married name on divorce.

I've been divorced twice. Absolutely couldn't wait to be rid of the name. Didn't even think twice about it to be honest, just wanted rid of it and went and got a bunch of photocopies of the divorce papers and went round everywhere to sort it out. I found it relatively easy really.

I am now remarried (love marriage me - smile !) And I have two children with different surnames. The youngest has the same surname as me as I am now married to his dad. It doesn't bother any of us in the slightest and has never been an issue.

Op I totally understand how you feel.

TheMumsRush Sun 15-Jun-14 08:34:03

My DH never married his ex so don't have that concern, buy if DH and I ever divorced I would not give up his name. I would also want to have the same name as my son. Thinking about it, I have the same name as her kids but she doesn't. sad

WanderingAway Mon 16-Jun-14 10:25:15

I think it is more about having the same name as her dc rather than having her exHs name.

I changed my name back to my maiden name & so has my dd.

Singlesuzie Mon 16-Jun-14 10:31:28

But she is not going to be married to him so why keep his name?

It's her name. He doesnt own it. He didnt give it to her. She chose to change her name to [smith] so that it was the same as his and her children would have the same name as both their parents. She legally changed her name to smith. It wasnt loaned on condition of marriage to another person named smith. It is her permanent name.

Singlesuzie Mon 16-Jun-14 10:37:49

If it really bothers you, you could ask your DP to change his surname to something else. Maybe to your surname.

NigellasDealer Mon 16-Jun-14 10:40:29

you want the ex to change her name?
I have heard it all now.
un - fucking - believable

MummyA1984 Tue 17-Jun-14 16:56:07

I would hate my dh ex to have what I see as "our" name so I kind of understand. However they were never married, if they had been I would have known all along she had that name and it wouldn't be my place to expect her to change it. I get where you're coming from entirely tho. Do u think u and dp will ever marry? If so you, him and you lo will all have the same name in the future.

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