Things are so nice during the week!

(103 Posts)
yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 12:08:35

As I type this I have my own children playing in the garden, two step children upstairs doing their own thing. Tried to involve them downstairs but they don't want to. Fiancé has popped into town.

I hate having them here

Lilaclily Thu 17-Apr-14 12:09:49

What's wrong with them doing their own thing?!
How old are they ?

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 12:13:45

Because they are stroppy while doing it. My kids have tried involving them but they aren't interested. Fiancé is upset as they're obviously unhappy

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 12:13:56

9 and 11

Onesleeptillwembley Thu 17-Apr-14 12:14:29

Not surprised with your attitude to them.

DeadCert Thu 17-Apr-14 12:16:13

Maybe it's you they are trying to keep away from.

HoldOnHoldOnSoldier Thu 17-Apr-14 12:16:55

What a horrible attitude op. Your sc sound unhappy. Instead of coming on here saying you hate having them there why are You and their Dad not talking to them finding out what you can do to make them feel more at home?

I am a step mum btw.

Lilaclily Thu 17-Apr-14 12:19:11

Why didn't your dp take them with him??

DeadCert Thu 17-Apr-14 12:20:52

Totally agree with Holdon, what are you doing to rectify the situation?

"Things are so nice in the week" what a horrid comment.

alita7 Thu 17-Apr-14 13:39:01

Before we shoot her down is there any background to this? Is it just that they don't join in or are your feelings due to them being rude or horrible just because you're with their dad?

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 13:50:52

Wow, jumped all over on a 'support' forum.

We all get along fine, bit weekends are becoming increasingly hard work. My step son is sarcastic and a teaser and regularly brings my children to tears. Step daughter is stroppy and stomps about.

I've tried and tried. I've included them in everything. Them going off causes problems as obviously my fiancé wants them to be happy (as do I).

I'm fed up with everything being fine during the week and everyone being happy and then there is so much tension at weekends.

comicsansisevil Thu 17-Apr-14 13:53:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dogfish22 Thu 17-Apr-14 13:58:06

The OP didn't say in any shape or form that she is making her DSC feeling unwelcome. More over she said that she tried to involve them, but they chose to run off in a strop.

This sounds more like their fathers failure, who leaves step mum alone with DSC and expects her to babysit, and fails to instil basic manners in his children. If my DSD would be behaving in such an ungrateful manner, there would be a reason for a strop in time.

The OPs invite to the DSC to play with her DC was perfectly nice and the fact that DSC went off in a strop isn't the OPs fault. The situation is to blame, and there goes: You can't fix what you didn't break.

While children who experienced divorce certainly have their burden to carry, what parents must do is provide a sense or normality, i.e. no special treatment, as treating them special, or even if they have experienced something abnormal (divorce really is normal these days, isn't it.), would most certainly produce a entitled and spoilt adult who thinks that the world owes them god-knows-what. (Read: Disney Parenting)

Contrary to what some ladies here seem to think, a step parent doesn't owe the DSC anything either, it is his or her choice what she gives them. Marrying someone with children does not change that. They are not the children of the step parent. It is of course better if the step parent and the children like each other, however even that does not entitle anyone to anything. After all they already have two parents who (supposedly) care for them, and if you actually ask most DSC, they want their parents, not step mum, no matter how nice she is, and no "making them feel more welcome" (by doing what? throwing candy at them? letting them do whatever they want??) is not going to fix the way they feel.

Yes, these children are unhappy, as what they want most in the world (mum and dad being back together) is not what is going to happen. Part of life is to learn that you can't always have what you want, and that feeling bad doesn't entitle you to special treatment. The way they feel doesn't give them a free pass to behave like the princess on the pea and disregard all basic manners. Here it is the parents job to ensure that these are learnt.

To the OP: I'm sorry you feel this way, you must feel horrible to have two persons in your home who you're trying to feel welcome but who chose to disrupt your normal life instead of joining in. I would imagine them being upset about the upcoming wedding, and hence looking for attention. You need to chat to your partner, he needs to do something about their behaviour (e.g. explain that this isn't acceptable, but also reassuring them that they are an important part of his life still and that this won't change). Also take into account that children will not do what doesn't work. Meaning: They are getting something out of being like this. Are they behaving like this a lot? Do they get attention from it (this can be positive or negative)? If so, explain this once to them with your partner (or just him) and then ignore the behaviour.

Aroundtheworldandback Thu 17-Apr-14 14:25:55

Excellent well informed post dogfish

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 14:58:15

Dogfish, thank you!!!

My fiancé just told me that his two quite obviously aren't welcome here, that he cuddles mine all the time but I don't do that with his two. Difference is that mine ask him for isn't that he offers them. His two aren't like that.

He told me that obviously I'm not giving them any attention on the journey (I picked them up yesterday, it's easier than him going as he doesn't drive) as his daughter was moody when she got here. He was actually really insulting. The journey was fine!

I told him that actually the problem here is that he isn't spending any time with them! He works from home and has been working all day upstairs. So why have them here? They have plenty of stuff here so entertaining themselves is fine, but he isn't doing anything to actively make time for them. So he has taken them out for a bit

dogfish22 Thu 17-Apr-14 15:35:53

Hrm, yoyo, don't take this the wrong way grin) But obviously your DSC are there to spend time with your fiancé not with you or your kids.

Of course there should be family time as well, as you are set to marry and you are forming a new family unit, but I can see your partner failing quite badly here and blaming you for it. I find it quite outrageous that he blames their behaviour on you to be honest. Of course they will not react well if they know that he isn't going to spend any time with them, and as you are the weakest link they will direct their resentment towards you.

He should be making time for his DCs, especially if he is not the resident parent and time is short. It is not your responsibility to babysit them while his priorities are elsewhere. Maybe you should take your own DC on a fun trip and leave your partner with his own DC.

dogfish22 Thu 17-Apr-14 15:40:12

Btw. I still think that even though the DSCs behaviour is somewhat understandable, it's still not acceptable. The sulking has to be nipped in the butt. I can't see your partner seeing the light anytime soon though sad

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 16:10:43

Dogfish, I agree with you! He is fab at spending time with my children, but not so much at spending time with his own. Partly because mine are very much into playing and enjoy the time. His two aren't so bothered. They'd rather sit and watch a film.

I can't give his two my full time and attention as we have two little ones that need my time (4 m and 17 m)

Greensleeves Thu 17-Apr-14 16:23:04

perhaps that's because your children haven't had their lives turned upside down and aren't unwelcome and disliked in the house they are staying in? maybe that's why the dsc aren't as carefree and delightful as your little darlings.

you and dogfish sound cold and unpleasant.

alita7 Thu 17-Apr-14 16:24:42

So basically, he expects you to make all the effort and gets angry at you when his kids throw your effort in your face, I too would be annoyed! If your kids want to interact with him then it is easy for him to give them attention, what can you do if his kids don't want your attention, they clearly just want him and he's either too busy or not interested... sounds like he is projecting on to you because he feels guilty. If they are here tomorrow I would go out for a few hours, ask if everyone wants to go, assuming they will say no, and then just leave him with them fingers crossed they'll interact!

other than that some harsh words need to be said about his attitude, like another poster said, you don't owe his kids anything, if he wants you to have a relationship with them he needs to have a chat with them about trying to be involved!

alita7 Thu 17-Apr-14 16:26:25

Green sleeves I'm sorry but it sounds like the problem is her dp, not her, she's made plenty of effort which his kids don't return I too would feel exasperated - her dp should be trying to get to the bottom of it!

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 17-Apr-14 16:30:04

"We all get along fine, bit weekends are becoming increasingly hard work. My step son is sarcastic and a teaser and regularly brings my children to tears. Step daughter is stroppy and stomps about. "

What are your children's faults? What are yours?

JumpingJackSprat Thu 17-Apr-14 16:34:05

I think some people have not realised this is on step parenting forum not AIBU. Op is here for support not people projecting and telling her what a bad person she is blah blah fucking blah.

Op your dp needs to sort this out it sounds like you're trying and he isn't.

dogfish22 Thu 17-Apr-14 16:39:46

SillyBilly, the topic is not what the OPs or her DCs faults are. She is looking for support and perhaps a place to vent her understandable frustration. If you haven't got anything useful to say perhaps you should not waste your time to stir already emotional people up for no better reason than your own amusement.

Greensleeves, you sound like a judgemental and bitter person.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 17-Apr-14 16:43:38

Dogfish i was trying to make a point that whilst OP is happily listing her SDC's faults he is ignoring that everyone has faults and that her SDC are probably finding her and her dcs faults as difficult as she is finding theirs. A reminder that these children are jut as human as she and her children and struggling with it as she is can sometimes help find solutions quicker than the blame game can.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 17-Apr-14 16:45:46

And believe me i find no amusement at all in children being made out to be demons by adults. My children are step children and it breaks my heart to think they are being treated like this.

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 16:55:50

I beg your pardon? At what point have I 'listed their faults'? Or said that my children don't?

Thank you for the helpful posts, I really appreciate them. I won't bother on this bitchy site again

Greensleeves Thu 17-Apr-14 16:59:49

Judgemental - yes, you bet I am when it comes to adults behaving like spoilt selfish toddlers and blaming the actual children involved for this not being a perfect world

bitter - no, not really - I'm not the one who wants to airbrush a 9yo and an 11yo out of my life because they don't prance around laughing in the sunshine in front of a stepmother who despises them

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 17-Apr-14 17:05:43

You listed them in the post i quoted. Hth.

dogfish22 Thu 17-Apr-14 17:07:08

SillyBilly, you are making the assumption that the OP doesn't know this, and hasn't thought about that.
Questions designed to patronise another person are actually quite rude. We all have faults. Hurrah.

Apparently I'm cold and unpleasant. And god knows what the OPs children are doing wrong to set those poor DSC off in a strop. o.O

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 17:10:33

Despise them? Not at all. But if your children had friends that came over every weekend and made your kids cry, were rude to you, would you want them to still come over?

In fact the only people being unpleasant are the people posting negative comments on this thread

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 17-Apr-14 17:10:53

Dogfish- it wasnt my intention to patronise or be rude. I assumed she hadnt considered it because there was no indication in her posts that she had. There seemed to be little to no acknowledgent that these children were just normal children like her own with feelings they are probably struggling with. It seemed like he was blaming their personalities for everything being awful.

Badvoc Thu 17-Apr-14 17:10:54

Sounds like he wants a babysitter tbh...

Greensleeves Thu 17-Apr-14 17:14:50

Well, sometimes, my own children make each other cry and are rude to me. But I don't wish they weren't here!

These are not your children's friends. They are children of your family. You and your dp need to grow up.

dogfish22 Thu 17-Apr-14 17:16:30

SillyBilly, no, she has listed certain behaviours that need to be addressed by their father. Behaviours are not 'faults'. Unless you want to go with the notion that behaviours are equal to personality traits, in which case I would have to attest you a couple of things as well, and I very much doubt you would want that.

Greensleeves, when you get a cold, do you complain about the stupid virus that is just about to take over yet another cell in your respiratory tract, or are you complaining about the fact that you have a stuffy nose? OP is venting about a symptom (DCS behaviour), when the cause is OPs fiancé.

I would also like to congratulate both of you, as you successfully managed to scare the OP away with the judgemental crap you two are spouting. Maybe look for a new hobby?

dogfish22 Thu 17-Apr-14 17:18:28

SillyBilly, then I would suggest to actually read the whole thread next time, as I went on about exactly that at length and OP was in agreement.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 17-Apr-14 17:20:50

Well dogfish i'll extend my congratulations to you in completely misreading the tone and intention of my posts and responding aggressively when it was completely misplaced. I think maybe you are too quick to attack.

Greensleeves Thu 17-Apr-14 17:24:16

She's not being "scared off", she doesn't like being disagreed with and didn't expect anything other than "aw we've all been there hun xxx"

wrong forum. and I like my hobby just fine, thanks.

needaholidaynow Thu 17-Apr-14 17:27:18

Maybe certain other support forums should stop expecting others to agree with them then. Or is it just exclusively the SP forum where they shouldn't expect a pat on the back and a bit of support?

Greensleeves Thu 17-Apr-14 17:31:36

There's nowhere on MN where you would get a "pat on the back" for saying "I hate having them here" about your dp's preteen kids.'s vile.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 17-Apr-14 17:32:03

confused what 'certain other support forums'? And surely it is people that expect? A forum is just that- it cant have expectations. Different people make up the forums. Some expect agreement at all times, others are more realistic and know they arent always right. That goes for every forum.

3littlefrogs Thu 17-Apr-14 17:41:37

I would be completely rethinking your relationship and future with this man OP.
It sounds as if you would all be much happier if you had separate households and he parented his own DC.

Is he the father of your 2 DC?

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 17:54:16

3littlefrogs, yes he is.

An example of the upset.....last weekend my SS ran around calling my son 'nappy boy' and pointing and laughing (he was wearing pyjama pants, which he hides)

needaholidaynow Thu 17-Apr-14 18:01:59

Nappy Boy? That's bullying. My DSD absolutely adores her brothers. She has a heart of gold. She wouldn't dream of bullying them. She is a stepchild, but doesn't see that as an opportunity to be troublesome and unpleasant. I too was a stepchild, and guess what, I wasn't troublesome or unpleasant either.

needaholidaynow Thu 17-Apr-14 18:08:37

No excuses. Stepchildren or not, they are behaving appallingly. Too right the OP is going to point the blame at them. And her DP for not tackling his kids' behaviour.

Greensleeves Thu 17-Apr-14 18:19:05

What rubbish! Kids do call each other names, especially in families. You discipline them and move on. Not wish they weren't there hmm

needaholidaynow Thu 17-Apr-14 18:23:13

Yes, you do discipline them. The OP's DP is quite clearly failing at that. Maybe the OP has tried, but she gets nowhere with it. What do ou want her to do, sit there and smile and be excited about their presence when absolutely nothing is being done about their behaviour? I wouldn't look forward to them coming either...

SchnitzelVonKrumm Thu 17-Apr-14 18:50:22

Sorry, how many children are we talking about? Can't imagine a 17 month old being bothered about being called nappy boy, or wearing pyjama pants for that matter. Do you each have two children and then two together?

3littlefrogs Thu 17-Apr-14 18:51:24

So his two older children must have been part of your life for some time?
Has their behaviour changed since you had the two younger ones?
You say they are 4m and 17m? They are very small and close in age, it must be very hard work and difficult for you to pay much attention to the older ones.
Why does your partner leave you to look after them all?

SchnitzelVonKrumm Thu 17-Apr-14 18:56:12

Can't imagine why you'd think nine and 11 year olds would want to play with a four-month old and a 17-month old either.

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 18:58:19

My son is 6.

I have children, he has children, we have children.

I think that the only way forward is to live separately.

I am expected to be super excited that they're here, yet also not allowed to tell them off either (his choice). It can't all be roses.

He works from home but has regularly taken time with us all. Even then, they still don't join in. I don't know why they're here if he is working anyway

SchnitzelVonKrumm Thu 17-Apr-14 19:01:33

Your problem is him, not his children.

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 19:05:51

Yes I think you're right x

Thank you for all the helpful responses x

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 19:12:52

Ps, they're not expected to play with a 4 m and 17 m old. I'm talking about my older children (eldest is 10 )

JustAnotherYellowBelly Thu 17-Apr-14 19:13:45

Just to clear it up,
DSS, DSD, DS, DS, two babies?

3littlefrogs Thu 17-Apr-14 19:17:06

I agree it must be very stressful having all those children in one house.
I have 3 and that is quite enough for me.
However, I still think he should not be going off and leaving you with all of them.
Maybe the DSC just want a bit of peace?

MrsCampbellBlack Thu 17-Apr-14 19:17:34

So you have 6 children in all? That's a lot for you to deal with. I'd find it hard if I had 4 children to then have 2 extra who probably feel left out in your home - not necessarily through anything you've done.

Very hard situation. I'd try and get your DP to take the 2 step-children out by themselves - do you have them every weekend?

SchnitzelVonKrumm Thu 17-Apr-14 19:22:13

Six children is a huge amount of work, and he shouldn't be leaving you to do it all. Also, if his children perceive that you and he and your children and the babies are all one happy family when they are at their mothers, and then he doesn't seem interested in them when they are there, that must be very hurtful. He needs to pull his finger out.

alita7 Thu 17-Apr-14 19:28:56

you are being silly, maybe their faults aren't relevant.

The op isn't saying it's the children's fault that they are like this, but they are so she is struggling. She is being honest, she prefers the atmosphere when they aren't there for good reason, she's fed up of trying when no one else will.
For example I put a lot of effort Into my relationship with my dsds and most of the time we get on brilliantl, and they are lovely to me (dsd 3 can be a nightmare at times but she has autism and other ld so it's not her fault exactly) but if they rejected my efforts then we wouldn't get on, would that be my fault? I do a lot already, would you expect me to do more and more to no avail, even with a tiny baby and post partum hormones like the op has?

alita7 Thu 17-Apr-14 19:46:35

The reason you don't want rid of your kids when they are naughty are because a. you're programmes to love them from birth and b. I presume you also have lovely times with them.

I can totally understand the ops perspective, the initial few posts were not worded well and came across as though she just didn't want the kids around. But when you read about what is actually going on, she is often left to care for 6 kids alone, they are unpleasant to everyone when they do spend time with her and the rest of the time they won't interact. her partner, the children's father, often doesn't bother to care for them himself and won't let her sort out the situation - as they know she isn't able to discipline them so will misbehave as much as they like - how can one be expected to look after children if they can't tell them off and dp won't either! I would rather they weren't there if I was an unpaid baby sitter who could do nothing about bad behaviour!

I think your dp needs to have a serious chat with them, they don't have to want to spend time with you, they just need to be polite. He should also allow you to punish them, he could tell you exactly what punishments he thinks are appropriate for certain things, rudeness, bullying, violence if applicable and then you can follow those set things. If not he needs to leave his office and discipline them.
He should also make an effort to try and get them to want to be included, they could pick some days out that they want to go on or something like that.
He should be supporting you if he expects you to care for them. my last point is that he needs to be trying to work more at bed times or extra during the week so he can limit work time while they are there.

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 19:52:18

Dsd 11, DD10, DSS 9, DD8, DS6, DD5, DD17m, DD4 m

8 children. Yes every weekend and extra in holidays

lunar1 Thu 17-Apr-14 19:52:59

It's your partner who needs to behave better. He's got himself a nice life hugging and playing with you children plus had two more but doesn't give a shit to spend time with the children he doesn't live with.

How can anyone be surprised by their behaviour? Their life isn't exactly hugs and rainbows. I feel so sorry for them, I could never be with a man who was to lazy to parent his children. Don't blame them for having a crap dad.

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 19:53:21

I should add that my DP is amazing around the house. A lot of his day is spent on housework etc while I look after the children. Along with DIY to sell our house

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 19:58:29

Thank you for the responses, very helpful x

MrsCampbellBlack Thu 17-Apr-14 20:04:24

8 children - lordy! Do you all have enough space when you're there - ie, enough downstairs space so they don't have to go upstairs which always feels more anti-social somehow.

VelmaD Thu 17-Apr-14 20:08:39

Ok, so four of the children are yours, two are his and two are your jointly?

They are very close in age. Do all your six live with you?

Do you think maybe this is based on the step childrens insecurities in the house? Jealously of your childrens relationship with their dad? Jealously at having to share him? Acting up to create attention in a busy house? None of this is great behaviour dont get me wrong, but having been a step child in this environment can make you act like a spoilt brat to hide your upset and hurt and insecurities. They're children and can't be expected to process emotions like that as rationally as we would.

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 20:21:44

Yes that's right. And my six are here all the time (my older four included, they don't see their dad).

They are actually good kids, I haven't said they aren't. Just that weekends bring so many problems that I don't look forward to them any more.

alita7 Thu 17-Apr-14 20:47:49

You know I never understand why some dad's seem to try harder with other people's kids than their own, dp can be like it and it baffles me, though not to the extent yours does. apart from me and one ex who is a good friend of ours, he always dated single mums and made tonnes of effort with their kids apparently (the ex says anyway and shes known him over 10 years and were quite close) i see it myself with friends kids too... although he obviously sees his kids more than those kids.
I just don't get it!

VelmaD Thu 17-Apr-14 20:48:30

Yoyo, that must be so hard for those two children. To come into an established family. What set up do you have when they stay? Do they all share rooms? I remember my worst behaviour was when i lost my bed due to space to my step sister - i had a futon that was horrible and felt so pushed out. My parents probably thought all the girls similar aged loved a big sleep over every weekend, but i hated it.

How often do they come? Weekly? Do they have any time on their own with their dad? How long has this set up been like this? Has their behaviour got worse lately?

I feel for you trying to pull this all together, but having been a stepchild in a similar environment feel for those kids too, as horrible as they are in your house.

Hopefully people here have some ideas and you can get a happier blended family.

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 20:55:46

They have their own beds, and own drawers and space etc etc.

VelmaD Thu 17-Apr-14 21:03:25

So do they share a room that's solely theirs?

I would stop trying to push them to interact with your children. Boys aged 11 and 9 are probably not wanting to play with a 10 year old girl or 6 year old boy. They're probably closing ranks, they feel like its them two against the world.

You most definitely need to ensure they dont tease or bully your children, but equally you need to be aware of how much they will feel like visitors right now and want to hide. I know that's not easy when your dp is hiding and you're running the show.

How long have their parents been split up? What's their life like with their mum? And yours/dps relationship like with her? Do they come all weekend every weekend with you? Could they be getting to the age that they resent giving up all their out of school time to come to their dads?

Sorry, loads of questions.

alita7 Thu 17-Apr-14 21:17:05

I agree, If there dad was around they might feel more part of the family. But they probably do feel lumbered on to you and your family. A bit like how kids feel when they have to stay with an aunt and uncle and their cousins, they know they're part of the family but they don't necessarilly feel it unless they are very close to them.

It's not your fault op. its not theirs either, it is their father who needs to make an effort.

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 21:55:47

True. I've made it as homely as I can for them, but he has often said (in an argument, when I think the children should all be treated the same) that they're 'guests'. So they probably feel they don't have a space here, even though they do.

You've given me a lot to think about, thank you

VelmaD Thu 17-Apr-14 21:58:52

Yoyo, step parenting is hard. I grew up with a stepmother and shite father, which I have no contact with now. I have a mother and stepfather who have a frankly unhealthy relationship which is slowly ruining mine with my mum. My children have a step mother and I am just venturing into that ground myself with my boyfriends son.

Its a bloody minefield.

And add in childrens emotions and hormones and its just awful at times.

I really hope this gets better for you and you and your partner can get a more harmonious household on a weekend.

alita7 Thu 17-Apr-14 22:20:17

Well if he's treating them as 'guests' what hope do you have- they need to feel like it's their home too!

We try our best to make DSD1 and 2 feel at home here. It's difficult as they have to sleep in DSD3s room, which is supposed to be all of their room, but as she is here full time it gets called her room... and DSD3 is very possessive of her stuff, and sometimes forgets that a lot of the stuff in her room is theirs too and gets possessive and will suddenly decide she wants to play with something she hasn't looked at in weeks because one of them get it out to play with, because 'it's mine'.

yoyo27 Thu 17-Apr-14 22:42:07

I am a step child and I remember the troubles my parents had with us all. I thought it would be easier!!

I have decided to write it all down over the next few days, not act emotionally but take time to get the facts down. And then speak to my DP about it all. Things HAVE to change. If he refuses then I will have no choice but to ask him to move out and live apart. I refuse to remain unhappy. We only live once!!

croquet Fri 18-Apr-14 10:53:23

Velma I'm interested in your futon experience -- did you resent not having a proper bed at your dad's as well as your mum's?

It's hard to afford to give a whole room over to a non-resident child in this economic climate...

VelmaD Fri 18-Apr-14 10:59:30

Croquet, I was a fourteen year old girl and it was the family home until my parents split up. I turned up for a weekend to find he had moved the new family in and my bedroom was gone. At the time we had only just gone from 50/50 to weekends. It wasn't so much the futon as the complete disregard for his children and feelings. I felt replaced by his new family - and indeed he did rung my mum a few months later and say he didnt need us anymore as he had a new family (his wifes children were similar ages to us)

I didnt expect a bed at both houses per se, but to be made to feel it was still my home and I was welcome would have been nice. And communication would have been key.

What they should have done is move house when they went from three kids to six imo.

VelmaD Fri 18-Apr-14 11:01:18

There was a lot more to it than just the bed. We were suddenly not allowed to let ourselves in with our door keys, to pop over for stuff we had left, the alarm code got changed and we weren't told it etc. We were basically forced out of that family home and made to feel like guests.

croquet Fri 18-Apr-14 11:01:51

Yes that's very interesting I can see that. I think sometimes people think staying in the old house will be good for children but actually it seals the hurt of having left.
Your dad sounds like he treated you badly. Did he not pay maintenance / come to see you / take you on holiday after that?

VelmaD Fri 18-Apr-14 11:03:17

And from memory there were two futons. And three of us. Go figure how that felt!

it is one reason that my exh and I work so bloody hard at our relationship and my boyfriend and I won't live together yet. We have all three been through crap divorces (incidently all three with crap fathers) and refuse to do the same with our kids.

croquet Fri 18-Apr-14 11:04:18

Poor you! And well done for putting in the effort now. It's a minefield, to be sure.

VelmaD Fri 18-Apr-14 11:07:30

Nope croquet. Nothing. I walked away after his wedding when I was 17 and didnt look back. I was made to feel like shit for years for it until over a decade later (marriage, divorce, kids on my part) a family member was dying and I was pressured to speak to him prior to the funeral. So I did. We went for a beer, I told him exactly what happened, he admitted he was a shit and apologised. Then the funeral went well, and I gave my number and went round asking for photos he'd promised. Six months on I still haven't heard anything from him, we live three streets away from each other. Goes to show he was spinning another story and I did the right thing by walking away years ago. I have no time for anyone like that.

Sorry, completely derailed this thread! And probably outted myself too!

alita7 Fri 18-Apr-14 11:09:10

Dsd 1 and 2 have to share the pull out bed under dsd 3 s. We would get them to move around but dsd 3 wets the bed and needs the waterproof bedding.
They don't seem to mind, they have 3 to a room at their mums and they understand we can't have a 3rd room or fit enough beds in the room as it's tiny.

croquet Fri 18-Apr-14 11:13:20

Velma, I don't think you have outed yourself -- sadly this is more of a common story than it should be!! He sounds like he had the gift of the gab, and not much else. Forza! May it only strengthen you and your future endeavours wine

brdgrl Fri 18-Apr-14 13:21:31

OP, I only just read this now. I'm sorry you got such a load of crap responses on this thread, please don't take it to heart, they have no idea what they're talking about, frankly, and why they bother coming around to have a(nother) go at stepmums is baffling. Dogfish's post is spot on.

yoyo27 Fri 18-Apr-14 22:09:19


So, but of a turn around today. I've watched a lot to see what goes on, and I've made changes for the better.

My children are very cuddly children.....they would happily cuddle all day long if they could, especially my five year old. Quite often they go to my DP for cuddles and he always says yes. Whereas his own children aren't like this, in fact it was me that taught them to cuddle. Their mum doesn't do it much and neither did their dad (though they both do now). However they never ask for them. I guess that at their mum's house they feel very secure, and they never asked their dad as before he met me there were no other children around (girlfriend before me didn't have any).

Tonight DSS has got quite upset as he misses their mum and phoned her. When he came downstairs again I asked him if he wanted a cuddle. He climbed onto my lap and we cuddled for ages. I did the same with DSD. I spoke to them both and apologised. I said that because they don't ask for cuddles like my children do, I assumed they didn't want them. But that all they have to do is ask, and at the same time I will make more of an effort. Xx

VelmaD Fri 18-Apr-14 22:25:42

Yoyo, thank you. That post honestly brought tears to my eyes. Im so glad you found a way in. I know it won't be an overnight thing, but really hope this is the start of a happy blended family. Enjoy your extra cuddles :-D

alita7 Sat 19-Apr-14 00:33:42

I hope that's a start of a good thing, sometimes kids/ people need something more meaningful than will you come and play with us to feel wanted and included smile

yoyo27 Sat 19-Apr-14 01:53:25

I think that it all got lost along the way somewhere, probably when the new babies came along. My stepchildren have always been included, and always been given time with the girls etc. but my attention is on them a lot due to their ages, and my older four are very secure, and also ask when they need a cuddle.

Fingers crossed things can get back to normal now xx

Thumbwitch Sat 19-Apr-14 02:28:57

I think if the OP's children are so small then it's really a bit ridiculous to find "faults" with them.

OP, I agree with Dogfish that the problem here is your fiancé. He needs to spend the time with his children, to make them feel as though he wants them there, which he appears to be signally failing to do. It's not your sole responsibility to make them feel "welcome"!

Although having said that, with your little children being so small, it's unlikely that the bigger children would want to play with them.

Thumbwitch Sat 19-Apr-14 02:30:04

Bugger. Sorry, that was my fault for only reading the first page. Ignore as necessary!

Thumbwitch Sat 19-Apr-14 02:36:28

Although now I've read more of the thread, I still think your fiancé is strongly at fault here - why on earth does he consider his children to be "guests" in the house? It should be their home as well! Am sad that he feels that way and no wonder they feel isolated.
Very glad that you've sorted out the hugs thing and I hope it does turn around for you (although I'm not sure about your DP hmm)

TheMumsRush Sat 19-Apr-14 07:32:14

What a lovely update op, it's so hard being a SP and until you've done it (and I'm sure a few posters here haven't hmm) you have no idea what the reality is.

Please don't be scared of the SP board, you will soon notice the same old names stirring shit and know to just ignore wink

yoyo27 Sat 19-Apr-14 08:27:53

Thank you.

I don't think he uses the term 'guests' in a negative way, just that they should have special treatment. Whereas I don't agree. Everyone has to muck in and get on with it!!

Hopefully things will get better now xx

Thumbwitch Sat 19-Apr-14 09:01:59

Oh well that's almost worse in a way! They absolutely don't get special treatment, they're still children of the household and need to abide by the household rules and get treated the same as the other children, otherwise your own children will get pissed off about it. How silly of him!

yoyo27 Sat 19-Apr-14 12:02:12

Exactly! Part of the problem is that at their mum's they don't have to do anything (DSS certainly doesn't but I think DSD does help out) and are thoroughly spoilt (not saying that as a bad thing) so things are a bit different here!! X

SocialNeedier Sat 19-Apr-14 14:16:26

It's perfectly possible (and reasonable) to dislike a child's behaviour without disliking the child.

Your DP is the problem IMO.

prawnypoos Sat 19-Apr-14 18:46:54

I cant believe how nasty people have been to yoyo!! Instead of criticizing and offering no useful advice what so ever perhaps save your energy and keep your stupid comments to yourself. Its so difficult being a step parent and I think your partner needs to step up and try and spend more time with his kids and encourage them to spend time with your kids too! Talking to partners about their kids isn't easy and I know that first hand but he shouldn't be relying on you to take care of them so much, they ultimately aren't your responsibility but his. As for the crappy negative comments, a few words of wisdom you should take on board - we all live in glass houses and EVERYONE has dirty windows!!

yoyo27 Sat 19-Apr-14 21:49:21

Prawnypoos, I love you comments!!

Today has been a struggle. Stepdaughter has been stroppy all day, despite it being my sons birthday. SS has been fine (him and my son get on brilliantly) but SD has been awful, spent most of it going off in a huff. No doubt jealous, but really, no need for it!

alita7 Sat 19-Apr-14 22:20:42

It's because the attention is fixed on someone else, just let her be huffy and spoil your son, then spoil her on her birthday smile
dsd struggles when the attention is on her sisters, it's very hard to deal with!

yoyo27 Sat 19-Apr-14 22:43:22

Yes that is exactly what I did. Bless him, he had a fab day!! X

shey02 Thu 24-Apr-14 10:52:19

Yeh, I'm also only picking up on this thread now, but was shocked at the flaming you got. I'm in a situation where my children never give myself or my dp a moments trouble. They love and respect their own father and my dp and we are all happy campers when we are together.

My dp's children are actively encouraged to hate us and have all their mother's depression and bitterness put on to them. The result, negativity, stroppiness, chaos, beligerant behaviour towards their father and constant arguing and controlling between the kids. It's enough to make a natural parent want to walk away and puts such a strain on my dp and me and our relationship. Of course you cannot treat a child who behaves like this the same as one who gives you love, affection and respect. The goalposts are totally different.

During the week, our lives are totally bliss, his contact with the kids during the week is frequent, but short, ie a quick dinner, or ferrying them around to their activities, it is fine usually. Weekends can be fraught with tension before the dsc are even out of the car and into the house. We don't live together, he has his own place and they have loads of time alone! However, I feel that he (and we are) is always on the back foot always on the defense. The only thing that is making things better is me disengaging and dp finally after nearly 5 years of being divorced, getting tough. 'I hate it here, I want to go home'... Fine, I love you, I want to spend time with you, but here's the phone, call Mum... DSC; Sorry, no it's okay, she probably won't be in anyway..... Okay then...

No one can understand this or the OP's original post unless they have been on the receiving end of hateful, bitter, selfish behaviour from a child in this situation. A child that you have done nothing wrong to, a child that you want to love, want to bond with, want to be able to hug or kiss, or ruffle their hair without them pulling away or saying get off me, or giving you a dirty look. It's a special challenge looking after a child that treats you like this, yet you're still there week after week. And support on forums like this, is the only thing that has kept me going over the years. DP has very often out of fear, put the child's attitude over us all. We now know that one child's 'happiness' or rather a desire to control everybody, does not come at the expense of everyone elses happiness or our relationship. Support is key and can make or break relationships and when such delicate situations exists and feelings are raw and complicated, seriously some people should just keep their comments to themselves. You're doing a great job as I now know I am in a very difficult situation. smile

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