Ready to walk - horrible Step kids, Ex Wife & DP not much better

(132 Posts)
spillingthebeans Thu 13-Feb-14 17:48:31

Have been wanting to post for some time but it's all such a mess I don't know where to start!!

Been with DP for 3 years, volatile relationship but love him very much. I moved into his place a few months ago, we'd been living between his and mine prior to this. About 6 weeks after I moved in his eldest 2 children (pre teens) turned up on the doorstep after having a row with their mother and wanted to stay. We rang her to let her know they were safe etc. She screamed and shouted, called the police - she hates me and wants her kids to have nothing to do with me. Nothing came of it and they have been here ever since (5 or 6 weeks).

She wont let the other children come here so DP has to go and see them at least twice a week including a weekend day. He is due back in court in a couple of weeks to get the children to come here as we are both unhappy with him going to Ex's home but so far the court seems to be happy with the arrangement, i'm hoping the fact that 2 of the now live with us will make the judge see sense.

I have one child living with us who is very quiet, quite geeky, studious, no trouble - not just saying that because he is mine, I have an older child who was a pain in the bum!! I have a very good relationship with my ex and we parent well together, he has our child 2 nights per week.

Since DP's 2 have moved in i've done everything I can to make them welcome, gone and bought beds, bedding, set up the living room as their bedroom, cooked food they like, taken an interest etc. but also taken a back seat as it's very early days and they don't know me that well. I probably should say here that I have been a step mother before in my previous marriage and had a good relationship with my now adult step children, it wasn't easy but we got there in the end.

Now for the issues:

DP gives them whatever they ask for (for example - he bought another ps3 so they had one each in the same room, they then argued over a game screaming and shouting, really nasty behaviour so he went straight out and bought a duplicate of the game!?!)

They treat the house appallingly, they never take plates out, lie in bed and drop sweet wrappers on the floor, spill drinks, washing all over the floor. When asked to tidy up they moan, shout abuse and the last time the youngest decided to go back to Mums (changed his mind when he got there!)

DP pleads with them 'please do ..... for Daddy' in such a drippy way instead of just telling them to bloody do it. Honestly it drives me mad and I have lost so much respect for the man, it's like he is scared of his own children. They certainly have no respect for him and know that nothing will happen if they don't do what he has asked.

I appear to be the live in Nanny! I work from home so am a sitting target, if the children are off school ill/inservice day. Last week he allowed one of them to stay up on a school night until past 2am, I told him he was being irresponsible and that it would be difficult in the morning, so next morning said child was 'ill' couldn't get out of bed, felt sick etc. I told DP he would have to stay home with him then or take him to his mothers (a SAHM). I was completely disregarded and told he would be fine on his own and DP sauntered off to work leaving me to it!

They have been off school today and again I have been left with them even though mine is at his fathers. DP says they are old enough to be left alone all day - I disagree. I am obviously right because I popped out at lunchtime for 2 hours, came back and they + 2 friends had been in our bedroom and completely trashed the room, sweets everywhere, rubbish, drinks spilt all over the bed. This is the only room we have - I live, work and sleep in one bloody room and even that isn't sacred!

Their diet is appalling, no veg or fruit, DP gives them money every morning and they buy sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks - not just a little treat, as in todays incident there were 6 2ltr bottles of tizer, 6 packs of sweets (the size you get in the cinema), crisps etc. And DP still buys more for them 'because they like them..'

There is so much more but I have waffled on so much! Think I need a place to vent and get advice - hopefully this is it.

I'm actually moving out on Sunday into a larger place, DP wants him and the kids to come with me - I'm not so sure! sad

ButEmilylovedhim Thu 13-Feb-14 17:56:58

Cricket OP! No personal experience but I would so move just myself and my child into the new place and let the others get on with it!

ButEmilylovedhim Thu 13-Feb-14 18:01:39

That was meant to say crickey. I do feel for you. What a situation. Sorry I've no advice. Sure the wise ones will be along soon.

spillingthebeans Thu 13-Feb-14 18:04:28

Thanks - I'm trying to keep calm right now, I texted DP this afternoon what had happened and have heard nothing, I'm refraining from sending a shitty text asking if he actually gives a shit about me or his kids! He left at 8.15 this morning, not sure how he thinks those children can look after themselves for all this time???

LyndaCartersBigPants Thu 13-Feb-14 18:04:46

Move out with your dc and tell him nobody else is invited as they obviously have no respect for your home or your work, him included.

Leaving them at home 'on their own' would be all well and good if he had to come home to the mess, food and spills, but as you work at home you're bearing the brunt of his poor parenting.

He sounds like a man child and I would lay it on the line, you can't share a home with someone you don't respect.

lunar1 Thu 13-Feb-14 19:43:02

Take your child to the new house and never look back! You would be mad to expose your children to this environment if you have a choice.

RedFocus Thu 13-Feb-14 19:44:12

Another vote for moving out! Sounds bloody awful op and not something that will change over night I'm afraid. Good luck with the move.

balia Thu 13-Feb-14 19:45:09

Run like the fucking wind.

Hawkmoth Thu 13-Feb-14 19:45:39


Bagpussss Thu 13-Feb-14 19:49:54

Run smile

Hawkmoth Thu 13-Feb-14 19:50:43

Obviously not as dramatic as "run like the fucking wind"... But seriously, get out.

HectorVector Thu 13-Feb-14 19:54:31

If you feel like this after 5-6 weeks then I think you really need to reconsider your living arrangements.

HansieMom Thu 13-Feb-14 19:56:18

I'm so glad you are moving out Sunday. It's your ticket to freedom. Leave them to it. Rejoice!

spillingthebeans Thu 13-Feb-14 20:49:52

Sorry for the delay responding - he came home at 6.40pm didn't even ask how I was, said 'i'd better go see the little monkeys' - wtf??? He went into their room and just said 'what have you been up to hey?' then said 'at least you've tidied up a bit' (I can hear rustling) so I sneaked out of our room and saw him picking up all the crap from the floor!! Fucking dick

Just served dinner up for all of them - one has now decided he doesn't like roast chicken (maybe if he hadn't eaten so much shite all day he might be hungry!) angry

Then he came in and was really uncommunicative with me. He rang his Ex to ask to visit the kids tonight (leaving me alone with the other 2) She said no when he said he had planned to take me out for a meal for valentines, so he said i'll come and see them Saturday Morning - she said no, he should put his kids first and if he can't see them tomorrow night he can't see them until next week!

So he has decided to go round to his Ex's house tomorrow - she will be happy and i'm fucking walking, sod this! So bloody upset right now

Oh... and 'it's for the children'...

She'll be laughing her arse off

Fuck the fuck off!!!! Am angry at myself for putting up with this shit for so long - he's ruined every single special occasion by bowing down to her and still I give him the benefit of the doubt because I love the stupid bastard.

I keep letting him hurt me ffs - i'm literally aching so much with hurt and he's making small talk and reading a magazine!!!! sad

spillingthebeans Thu 13-Feb-14 20:58:55

I just don't know how someone can sit there with no emotion when the person they proclaim to love is sat there in pieces??? If I hurt him (which I wouldn't) I would feel absolutely awful and do whatever I could to make things right.

LyndaCartersBigPants Thu 13-Feb-14 21:07:37

How awful, he sounds really weak. So sorry for you, I know to us it all seems very black and white, but it must be really hard for you to have to end your relationship with a man who (despite his obvious flaws) you love.

Honestly though, he isn't putting you anywhere near high enough up the food chain. Bad enough to be behind the kids, but he's putting his ex's needs and wishes before yours too. Fuck that. Thank goodness you already have an escape route.

If you're lucky he will see this as a massive wake up callan d mend his ways, but sadly I doubt it.

Cabrinha Thu 13-Feb-14 21:14:56

Thank goodness you're moving out! Was it supposed to be a temporary move in with him then?

That sounds awful. I wonder how long, without you there, before he packs the kids off back to their mum to live?

He just sounds useless, sorry.

TheScience Thu 13-Feb-14 21:20:23

Move out!

You're never going to improve his parenting. He will always be weak and drippy and it will just make you angrier and angrier.

You can live apart and keep seeing each other until his children are grown!

Letsstopwiththechoccis Thu 13-Feb-14 21:20:41

Aww hope you are ok Op. Sounds horrible, what's stopping you from leaving him on Sunday? Do you think you will be happier in this situation or on your own. Personally I couldn't handle it and I would have to leave with my child. It seems until he grows some balls the ex will rule the roost in your family home! X

NatashaBee Thu 13-Feb-14 21:24:44

I'm glad to hear you have another place lined up to move into. Don't let your DP put a foot over the threshold of it until you resolve everything - if that's even possible.

spillingthebeans Thu 13-Feb-14 21:25:50

Cheers guys - I moved in here before moving on but it could have been permanent if all had gone well, he's buggered off into the kids room now (safe I guess - no hastle from the meanie emotional adult!)

Fuck it hey? Onwards and upwards, roll on Sunday. Those kids are screwed though, they are both as bad as each other unfortunately sad

spillingthebeans Thu 13-Feb-14 21:29:11

Do you think seeing each other but not living together would work? Not sure I actually trust him tbh. His youngest is 6 so it's a long time to be boyfriend & girlfriend - feel like every day I waste i'm getting older and saggier should this not work out!! lol

Mynabrid Thu 13-Feb-14 21:30:38

Walk away and don't look back. Imagine another 10+ years of this or constant fighting with him for anything to change and being demonised because you are preventing him from having a relationship with his kids. Imagine when they really start feeling comfortable and start exerting authority over your ds, bulling him or worse, turning him into one of them!! Imagine what it'll be like when the younger ones decide to come and live there too because he lets them do what they want! It sounds like neither of their parents can be bothered to parent them so why the hell should you have to, with no rewards from them or him? Go and make a nice home for you and your ds. Be strong x

TheScience Thu 13-Feb-14 21:31:00

If you don't trust him then the relationship isn't going anywhere anyway - cut your losses.

ToughSpuds Thu 13-Feb-14 21:34:42

I'd walk away. Sorry your going through this sad

daisychain01 Thu 13-Feb-14 21:39:16

beans it is heartbreaking, please please get him out of your life. You deserve better treatment, you certainly do not need a spineless coward who cant parent his offspring clogging up your life and contributing a negative environment for your own DCs.

Put your DCs first, he doesn't do that for his, otherwise he wouldn't be abusing them by buying them rubbish instead of good nutritious food and not giving them tough love and discipline.

Make the move, you can do it.

Ragwort Thu 13-Feb-14 21:47:35

Just walk away, you will be in a lovely calm and quiet environment with your DS. Be grateful that you have only had to put up with this for a few weeks - what would be the point of 'dating' this man, he has shown what he is like to live with. Just move on. Surely your independence & peace of mind is better than any benefits of having this man as a 'boyfriend' grin

spillingthebeans Thu 13-Feb-14 22:24:32

Hmm, they have already been vile to mine - shooting him in the eye point blank in the middle of the night (whilst he was asleep) with his nerf gun and throwing frozen food into his room at night!! FFS

I know life would be idyllic with just me and my child - I could relax, eat beans on toast if we were a bit short (he wants bloody proper dinners every night!) and have fun.

It would be sooooo easy!

lookingfoxy Thu 13-Feb-14 22:27:46

Get away from this vile situation and never look back!!

ashtrayheart Thu 13-Feb-14 22:33:25

Sounds like the ideal time to break free!

JumpingJackSprat Thu 13-Feb-14 22:39:15

Leave him. No way could I put up with such disrespectful little darlings in my house. What can you love in him seriously? He sounds pathetic to not even be able to parent his own kids and to leave you looking after them! You owe them all nothing.

zipzap Thu 13-Feb-14 23:13:25

SOunds like he expects you to be the housekeeper, cook and babysitter whilst he swans around doing whatever the heck he wants, safe in the knowledge that you'll have a nice hot meal waiting for him and impose a little bit of strictness to his dc so that he will look even nicer for letting them do whatever they want...

Definitely serve him and his dc up with beans on toast tomorrow and saturday if they can't be bothered to eat nice roast or be there for valentine's if you'd made plans. But cook a proper meal for you and your dc and enjoy it together, see how he likes that... Might make him realise what he is screwing up and about to miss...

Happy moving out - enjoy your freedom.

MrsTomHardy Thu 13-Feb-14 23:34:06

Another one saying move out just you and your child....good god don't put up with any more of that shite!

YeahThatsWhatISaid Fri 14-Feb-14 00:15:21

I wouldn't stay. The problems would never go away. sad

Can you just date him?

Mouldypineapple Fri 14-Feb-14 00:44:02

As someone said already what would be the point of dating him? Sounds awful, he - and his kids - seems to have no respect for you. Were things a lot better before his kids moved in? As in he and they may just need time to adjust?? Personally I think as you have the option, move out with ds and you can all have some space to decide what happens next.

Eliza22 Fri 14-Feb-14 08:40:04

You love him so, it'll be very very hard but....move into your place with your offspring and tell him, in no uncertain terms why you are doing this. Leave him in no doubt how you feel and what is unacceptable to you. If he is willing to make changes and proves effective in this, over time, then you might be able to salvage your relationship. If not, leave him behind you and don't look back.

spillingthebeans Fri 14-Feb-14 08:48:30

Morning smile He's gone to work, didn't speak to me at all. There are flowers and a card in the kitchen but he hasn't given me them and they would have been bought before this kicked off yesterday so probably not relevant now.

Things were better before the kids moved in but still fraught due to the access arrangements, his drinking, his Ex and basically my being so far down on his priority list I may as well not be on it.

I'm trying to figure out what to do today - i'm half tempted to book into a hotel so i'm not here when he's back but how sad is that? Booking a single room on valentines day sad but if I stay here and get ignored all night that will be worse.

The punishment I suggested to him for the kids was sending them to bed at 10 instead of 11 - he agreed but it didn't happen, they were still playing on their games at 11.10 sigh...

Fighting a losing battle aren't I?

newlifeforme Fri 14-Feb-14 09:04:19

I think you have to leave, the issues are too significant and must be having an impact on your ds.My dsd's mum used to be angry all the time and refused to agree a regular schedule of contact. I tried to shelter my dd from her at handovers however once my dd told me she was scared of dsd's mum I knew I needed to act.Dh went to court and I made sure my dd never saw the ex again. It's your responsibility to protect your son and this must be a miserable life for him.

Do you have any family/friends you can go to for the weekend? Don't worry about today, if you go to a hotel use it as a treat and love yourself.

VivienStanshall Fri 14-Feb-14 09:08:48

Walk, you are being treated awfully. Dreadful effect on you and your DS as newlifeform said.

DP can still see you there.

missmash Fri 14-Feb-14 09:09:25

Oh hon, to be honest it sounds like a battle that's not worth fighting. It seems like he hasn't sorted the fallout from the split with his ex, a and while that's the case you will never be put first.
I think living with you and your DC and eating beans on toast when you feel like it sounds perfect, and as for booking a hotel room, do it! Get a bottle of wine a good book and a soak In the bath, treat yourself for a bit and then look forward to,getting your new place on Sunday.
Good luck with everything, you deserve much, much better.

CarolineKnappShappey Fri 14-Feb-14 09:11:16

Have you told him that he and his DCs are not coming with you?

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Fri 14-Feb-14 09:17:18

I'd book the hotel- sounds like a fab idea!

Look, you sound very sensible. If you love him now...well, surely common sense tells you that you won't for very much longer. He's weak, selfish, a crap father, a crap partner, and he brings with him enough baggage to ensure that you and your son will have thoroughly miserable life with him weighing it down.

You have no ties to him- FGS celebrate that fact and get the hell out. It's a fab Valentine present to yourself - freedom!

Your DS was shot in the eye with a Nerf gun while asleep? No - sod this. Your DS comes first. I bet he's miserable.

TheMumsRush Fri 14-Feb-14 09:30:33

Beans, not much to add but wish you luck. A hotel sounds like a fab idea. thanks

spillingthebeans Fri 14-Feb-14 09:41:26

God, it'll be like Bridget Jones - all by myself!! lol, I don't have anyone to go to, family too far away and no close friends.

He's away from sunday for a couple of days so I said I would move all my stuff and get settled before they possibly joined me (this was before last night) so at least he doesn't think he's moving Sunday.

LyndaCartersBigPants Fri 14-Feb-14 10:49:21

Don't worry about the valentines thing, just get out of there. Even another couple of days in this environment is too many. Treat yourself and DS to a nice hotel and nice meal, secure in the knowledge that your P is now wholly responsible for his brats.

lookingfoxy Fri 14-Feb-14 10:51:32

To be honest this couldn't have happened at a better time, imagine if he'd moved in with you and then his kids appeared !!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Fri 14-Feb-14 11:18:15

Who does he think is looking after his kids when he's away for a couple of days next week?

Kaluki Fri 14-Feb-14 11:37:52

OMG run run run!!!
Disney dads are bad enough every other weekend but full time it is unacceptable.
What will your dc think if you stay? They don't deserve this life, being bullied by his unruly out of control kids. How on earth can you bring up your own dc in an environment where the other children can eat crap and stay up late and be totally spoilt?
As for your arse of a Partner - he expects a hot meal every night, leaves you to look after his kids and can't even spend Valentines with you.
Thank God you have a way out - take it and RUN!!!

spillingthebeans Fri 14-Feb-14 11:42:10

I just can't see them living with me - I keep thinking of my lovely sofa and how they would ruin it in 5 minutes!! blush I'm not moving far, it's within walking distance so it will be interesting to see what happens.

I'm frantically packing right now, so much to do before Sunday - 3rd move in 7 months, will definitely need a holiday after this! I'm planning on staying in the new house for 18 months until mine finishes primary school, then decide whether to move closer to family to have a fresh start, plus the secondary schools are a lot better there.

His kids don't stand a chance, him and his ex are so wrapped up in themselves and using the kids to score points against each other, they completely forget to actually parent them.

To be frank, you would be absolutely mad to invite this disaster into your new home.

You know it would be a disaster. You have a choice whether to bring it into your life or not.

Do what's best for you and your son. You don't mention how he's been coping with all this but it can't be fun for him.

spillingthebeans Fri 14-Feb-14 12:03:11

His will have to go to their Mums while he's away - I don't think he has sorted this yet which is par for the course with him, he buries his head and thinks things will magically work out.

Can I also pick your brains on another matter? He is due in court for the financial agreement but is also going bankrupt, he hasn't filled in the forms yet, it's all in the hands of an advisor. He hasn't actually told his ex or the court and intends to just tell them at the hearing. She is asking for a huge amount (he pays way over the odds willingly) each week and a lump sum every 6 months for herself, she still believes he has plenty of cash. He will not apply for CB for the 2 living with him which means he cannot apply for tax credits (that is another reason for not living together - I can't afford to lose my tax credits or support them all).

I'm annoyed as I don't think the court will believe he has no money and he should have 'weaned' ex off his wages gradually over the last 3 years until it became a reasonable amount for them both to live on instead of dropping this bombshell on her in court.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 14-Feb-14 12:06:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kaluki Fri 14-Feb-14 12:10:15

Another reason to distance yourself from this car crash of a relationship.
I imagine the fallout from the court case will be immense. You will be well out of it.
Lay things on the line for him. Say you are moving without him as there are too many problems for him and his kids to come too. Then move into your nice new house alone and use the next 18 months to see if he can turn things around (it doesn't sound hopeful) and if he can then maybe you can move together when you are ready and his dc are older and better behaved.
That way you have given him a chance to make things right while still protecting your own dc and keeping your sanity!

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 14-Feb-14 12:12:55

Thank God you have somewhere to go in a few days.

I think booking yourself into a hotel tonight sounds like a great idea!

Do it, it will be so relaxing.

Blu Fri 14-Feb-14 12:23:48

"His kids don't stand a chance, him and his ex are so wrapped up in themselves and using the kids to score points against each other, they completely forget to actually parent them."


The poor kids - actually I think it is pretty bad that their mother just let them move out and didn't try and sort things out properly and get them back home. They must feel very abandoned. And could well be doing that self fulfilling prophecy thing of 'you don't love me! No you don't , if I trash the house you'll chuck me out! well, OK if I refuse to tidy you'll chuck me out...' because they actually have no sense of security. And would rather be in control of their own bad situation than feel out of control at the hands of an abandoning mother and a father who by showing he is scared to make them observe boundaries is actually saying "I don't think we all love each other enough to risk any boundaries".

I would move out, and talk to your DP very seriously about this. But keep contact with the kids, be firm and kind and have boundaries - arrange to meet them and so on.

But until your DP and his ex stop engaging in a toxic mutually beneficial childishness over the kids you won't stand a chance.

Before we even start in his drinking, which you dripped in there....

For your own child's sake, remove yourself, and her to an emotionally safe environment. Why would you expose your dc to this?

Blu Fri 14-Feb-14 12:31:14

Just read your post about bankruptcy and telling his ex.

Does he ever take any responsibility for anything?

If you stick with this he will drag you down, and you will be dragging your ds down with it all.

Go now, while you have the chance.

And don't be so naive - he is fully expecting you just to be there and pick up the pieces while he is away, like he expects you, despite your protestations, to look after them when they are off school. No way will he ask the ex if they can go there, and if he does she will say no, or if they do go they will end p back on your doorstep.

I hardly ever reply to relationship threads, but please leave him, it just sounds like a disaster! What a relief that you only need to put up with it for a couple more days! thanksthanks

spillingthebeans Fri 14-Feb-14 12:41:19

I'm exhausted by the whole crappy situation and am so looking forward to moving out and settling into our lovely new home. DPs family are toxic too, it's just history repeating itself.

He takes no responsibility at all, he flouts the law, doesn't adhere to any rules and always gets away with it - he seems to think he's invincible.

Hassled Fri 14-Feb-14 12:44:02

Bloody hell - what a nightmare for you. I feel desperately sorry for the not-parented kids but really, you need to run for the hills and not look back.

Blu Fri 14-Feb-14 12:47:05

Please, please do not allow your ds to be sucked in to an ongoing relationship with this man. The toxic in-laws, the financial ruin -because of course if you stay or continue a relationship he will live off you (how is he paying the rent or mortgage or payments to his ex if he is bankrupt?) and that will in turn hugely disadvantage your ds.

He is an irresponsible user.

BalloonSlayer Fri 14-Feb-14 12:50:52


Agree with everyone else!

And Matilda I just love love LOVE "--exit as if pursued by a cocklodger------>" grin grin grin

maggiemight Fri 14-Feb-14 14:59:13

Why would the court believe he is bankrupt if he just announces it - sounds likes weeks/months of more stress and rows over money.

Are your finances separated from his OP?

I hope so.

Start a new life without any of them please

NatashaBee Fri 14-Feb-14 15:16:05

When he goes bankrupt he will be allowed to include CM with his outgoings - but I imagine they will just use the CSA rate as a template, rather than allowing him to name his own sum. I would check with his 'advisor' on which they recommend doing first - to push the bankruptcy through prior to the hearing, or do the hearing first and take the order that is given there to the bankruptcy hearing.

spillingthebeans Fri 14-Feb-14 18:25:44

Sorry for the delay getting back - have packed everything up, one of the kids came back here from school so I was very nice and told him he was due at his mums for tea. He got back an hour ago, I went for a bath and he's been on the phone most of the time to one of his younger children - his ex has heard 'we' are moving closer so she has told the kids they will be selling up and leaving the family home - causing mass hysteria and grizzling from said child! :-/

He's now fucked off round there - I told him it's the last time he hurts me, i'm not sitting around waiting for him to get back after spending bloody valentines night with his ex and he might as well stay there. All I got was abuse and 'it's for the children...' that's his bloody mantra. He's not staying around to listen to 'my drivel' wtf???

The weather is shit, i'm hungry and pissed off, not sure I can face going to a hotel, I think I need to just sit it out, calm down and count the minutes until I get out of here.

I know he will come back with the kids - it will be his little security blanket. What a knob sad

My finances are completely separate thank goodness. He doesn't pay rent/mortgage, he owns the property outright but it is in a friends name.

FrankieStien Fri 14-Feb-14 18:53:15

Please, please ltb.

ProphetOfDoom Fri 14-Feb-14 18:56:54

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cabrinha Fri 14-Feb-14 20:24:20

Even before reading the detail (which is awful) as soon as you said "volatile relationship" I thought - LTB. Volatile relationships are shit.

Then I read the detail! Flipping heck, what do you even see in this guy?!!!!!!
Leave, and don't look back. "Drivel?" I'd tell him to fuck right off over that one.

And the kind of person that can run up enough debt to go bankrupt yet has an owned outright property, conveniently in a friend's name? Well, wouldn't be my kind of guy.

Honestly - I don't see any redeeming feature here.

spillingthebeans Fri 14-Feb-14 20:55:29

He's pissed and being a complete asshole, both kids here as I predicted - roll on Sunday and i'm out of this shithole for good!!!

ProphetOfDoom Sat 15-Feb-14 06:04:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lj8893 Sat 15-Feb-14 06:28:27

If I were you I would be leaving on Sunday (if you can't leave before) and I wouldn't be looking back.

TheMumsRush Sat 15-Feb-14 07:48:04

Only one day to get through beans, you can do it! My dh would never go to his ex's on valentines as he knows this would hurt me, sometimes the partner has to come first. And then to come home with the kids and get pissed? No way. brew

zipzap Sat 15-Feb-14 07:48:09

Oh my, it just gets worse sad. But very glad to hear that you are off on Sunday (is that the soonest you can access the place?)

Glad to gear you are packing up and exiting - have you checked carefully to make sure that he or his dc haven't snaffled any of your stuff or anything if your dc's just to cause you grief or because they feel entitled to?

And I'm another one who reckons you are going to have to watch out once he realises that he's lost the services of his live in slave! He's not going to want to let that go without somesort of fight rather than wanting you back as a person because he loves you as a person.

Does he know your new address? Make sure there is something in writing that says you are moving put as you don't want to live together, the past few weeks have shown that you are incompatible and it could never work, so that in a few weeks time you dont discover him on your doorstep ssying that this was always his the plan as he wants his skivvy back.

Is there any proof the house OSS his but in a friend's name? Might be worth mentioning to the bankruptcy service. After all, why should some people miss out when he is laughing in his house?!?

shey02 Sun 16-Feb-14 00:19:30

Sounds like a man child. The Ex and kids will always dominate him unfortunately. He will always let them.

Hope the move goes well today! thanksthankswinewine

QOD Sun 16-Feb-14 08:03:34

Good luck today

CheerfulYank Sun 16-Feb-14 08:13:27

L. T. B. For sure.

Good luck today OP!

iloveweetos Sun 16-Feb-14 08:29:25

Just read this thread. Hope all goes well today!!!

MrGeresHamster Sun 16-Feb-14 09:26:45

Good luck today OP, looking forward to hear all about you and your DS eating beans on toast in calm.

tribpot Sun 16-Feb-14 09:34:09

Bloody hell, OP. You and your poor ds deserve so much better than this.

Get out today and never look back. He will certainly be back around you after he's been made bankrupt . Get rid.

WaitMonkey Sun 16-Feb-14 09:57:21

Just read the thread. How old are his dc ? They sound awful, they shot your dc with a nerf gun while he was asleep ! shock I'd echo all the other posters and say run like the wind from him. He will add nothing to your life, just drag you and ds down. Good luck with the move. Have you told him yet, he won't be welcome in your new home ?

Halfrek Sun 16-Feb-14 09:57:59

Good luck OP, you are well out of it.

spillingthebeans Sun 16-Feb-14 10:29:33

Phew, thank you for all the messages, I've been desperate to get back on here but it's been hectic! The van has just shown up so I will update later - it's not been good here at all x

Blu Sun 16-Feb-14 10:32:31

I am so pleased you are out of it, Beans.

Good luck to you and your DS in your new home.

Oh that's rotten OP. I hope everything will be better as soon as you're out of there.

WaitMonkey Sun 16-Feb-14 10:46:11

Oh dear. Hope the move goes well. Put some wine in the fridge for tonight.

tribpot Sun 16-Feb-14 11:33:23

Go go go - and enjoy your new home in peace.

VivienStanshall Sun 16-Feb-14 11:34:57

Good luck with the move, the sheer relief when you get to kick off your shoes in the new place will be immense.

ladygracie Sun 16-Feb-14 11:43:17

Good Luck with the move. Sounds like you are doing absolutely the right thing. Do update when you can x

ProphetOfDoom Sun 16-Feb-14 12:02:57

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMumsRush Sun 16-Feb-14 19:47:18

Hope you are having a fab evening in your new home op! thankswinethankswine Enjoy and relax!

Eliza22 Sun 16-Feb-14 20:05:03

Well done to you and lots of happiness in your new home! thanks and wine

Ratbagcatbag Sun 16-Feb-14 20:16:36

Good luck. Hope ds is sorted in a new room and you're getting ready for a glass of wine. What a horrid man.

Victrix Sun 16-Feb-14 20:29:20

Hope the move went well OP smile

Have another wine on me!

daisychain01 Sun 16-Feb-14 21:29:19

We need to do a MN campaign for a cocklodger icon....

In the meantime, all the best, beans and keep us posted on your latest!

spillingthebeans Sun 16-Feb-14 22:07:49

Thank you sooo much everyone, i'm not in the house yet but everything is moved, there isn't any internet/phone until Tuesday so we are staying at 'D'Ps while he's away. I'll spend the next couple of days getting our house all clean and homely then we'll go and settle in.

It's been so lovely and peaceful this evening, in bed watching crap on the telly smile

His kids were absolutely vile last night but I can't even be bothered to tell the story!

I do feel sorry for 'D'P as I cannot imagine how he is going to cope in the future, I know it is his own fault for not standing up to them and following through with consequences of their bad behaviour but I have told him repeatedly that if he doesn't lay down rules and allows them to do whatever they like, just because he wants an easy life in the short term, it will just escalate until he has zero control over them.

Anyway, I know I can't do it, i am not myself anymore in this situation, I hit a wall with my hand the other day through pure frustration (still bloody hurts!!!) blush

lookingfoxy Sun 16-Feb-14 22:35:46

Glad you got your stuff moved, concentrate on getting your house lovely for you and your ds, are his dc away?

spillingthebeans Sun 16-Feb-14 22:54:41

Yep :-) Just the two of us here - it's fab, so lovely and tranquil!

FunkyBoldRibena Sun 16-Feb-14 23:06:39

Nice one OP

Cataline Sun 16-Feb-14 23:10:21

That's really good to hear. Roll on the day when you're completely moved in and away from this man child and his train wreck of a life!

Glad to hear that, OP smile Does he realise that he is not also moving now?

Ratbagcatbag Mon 17-Feb-14 12:10:01

was going to ask does he realise he's not coming too?

debbs77 Mon 17-Feb-14 12:27:16

I never message on here but just had to say well done for sticking to your guns and getting out! All the best in your new home xx

Blu Mon 17-Feb-14 19:06:38

Good luck for a smooth proper moving out.

This tranquility and security is the sort of home your child deserves.

I can see that the issues with his kids have brought things to a head, but nothing else you yhave said about him makes him sound like the kind of man to be a good new family member for your DS. Not the volatility, the lack of responsibility for anything, the drinking and abuse, the money problems, the dishonesty (bankrupt but a house in some one else's name), the toxic family and the treating you like shit - going to his ex's on Valentines and dropping your night out. Not the taking you for granted ans leaving you to care for his ill kids, none of it.

In your OP, 4 days ago, you said you love him very much. Do you? Will you feel sorry for him? Miss the adrenaline of the highs of a volatile relationship? Does he still think he can move to your new house?

spillingthebeans Mon 17-Feb-14 20:14:45

Hi everyone, another nightmare day! Cleaning the new house - urgh, other peoples dirt is just so nasty!

Picked up a voicemail from my previous letting agents (my tenancy ended at beginning of Jan) was hoping they would be confirming my returned deposit as I'd had the leaving inventory saying everything was fine but not had the deposit, but she said she'd received an email from the landlady with a list of problems!!!

WTAF - 5 weeks after the tenancy ended and she decides to do this? The place was immaculate when I left, I even replaced the whole kitchen vinyl because of a tiny tear when I moved my washing machine under the counter!

The letting agency have been hastling me to pay a £120 leaving fee for doing the inventory after I moved out and I told them last week I would pay it once my deposit was back as I have just had to pay a deposit on my new house.

I can't ring until tomorrow but surely they can't say in the inventory that the house was fine and then 5 weeks later (after, I presume, many viewings through the house) say there are issues?!? Absolutely fuming and have so much more to be doing for the new house and half term than dealing with this shit!! angry

Blu, in answer to your question, to be honest I don't know if I love him or not, I think i'm just used to the situation and the adrenaline BUT it's not like it used to be, there are so many more lows than highs. I do feel that I am abandoning him in his hour of need (when the going gets tough...) but if we were working together to get through it then I would feel inclined to try for a while longer.

I smoke and this 'addiction' feels similar to trying to stop smoking, you have to be ready to quit either by going cold turkey or nicotine replacement - I'm going to try adrenaline replacement, try to do some volunteer work or a very part time job to meet people, try and catch up with old friends, work harder in my business, have more fun with my kids.. basically try and fill the void myself with 'fun' excitement instead of relying on his fucked up life to keep me entertained - not sure if that makes sense.

He knows they are not moving in but he believes it will happen eventually - yep, maybe in 7 years when his kids are grown up (or in borstal!) grin

Saw a for sale sign outside his ExW's house today - he knew nothing about it! She's threatened before to take the kids away but didn't think she'd go through with it, wonder what she's up to. can't see it selling very quickly though as it's hugely overpriced! More game playing I suspect.

Sorry for mammoth post! blush

Blu Mon 17-Feb-14 20:27:13

Yes, it makes a lot of sense - and I said what I did because in the past I had a long relationship with someone who led a charismatic, but chaotic and ultimately destructive life.

I got a lot from it, but looking back - it was an unhealthy adiction, and nothing to allow a child to have to be dragged into.

Your strategies sound good!

spillingthebeans Mon 17-Feb-14 21:52:28

I thought you may have had experience - it's one of those situations where you know that if it was one of your mates you would want to shake them so hard and knock some sense into them, I think you only 'get it' when you've been through it, I have lost a few friends because of this relationship - I don't blame them.

I was just reading Dodo76's thread about loving him but not his kids (i'm only at the beginning so not sure how it has progressed) but I am screaming - get the hell out of there!!! I'm hardly in a position to say that though am I? I am, however, optimistic about sorting my problem out and am so glad I finally posted on here - the support has been fantastic, thank you everyone :-)

tribpot Mon 17-Feb-14 23:09:17

Will check this properly tomorrow but as far as I know the landlord only has 10 days to raise issues. Is your deposit held in an official scheme?

spillingthebeans Tue 18-Feb-14 01:06:05

Thanks Tribot - I did look (struggling to sleep!) it is in a deposit scheme and still there, I checked online. I think the 10 days is recommended but not law unfortunately so looks like I have a battle on my hands - I will fight it as I know the place was spotless when I left, it's just a hastle I don't need.

Found a letter through the door tonight, it's from his exW's solicitor hand delivered (find that creepy!) with a financial settlement proposal for him to sign - it is absolutely ridiculous, she's asking for over £500 per WEEK until she/he dies, she remarries or the court orders otherwise!?!? Seriously?????? If you add that to her benefits (they don't include maintenance in calculations so effectively she is an unemployed mother to more than 3 kids) she would be raking in a shitload for sitting on her ass on facebook all day!!!

He doesn't have that kind of money and even if he did why does it not say until the children reach a certain age? So she could effectively live with a bloke earning a shedload but still get paid £500+ per week even when the kids are grown up? I'm seriously confused - it's like being a kept woman without having to put up with washing his dirty underpants!!! confused Is this normal??????

tribpot Tue 18-Feb-14 07:36:23

Why did you open the letter? I'm assuming it wasn't addressed to you - and in any case, his financial woes are not your problem. Leave him to deal (or more accurately fail to deal) with it.

In terms of your deposit, I think the landlord is on a hiding to nothing. The inventory has been signed off by his/her agent. Do you have any photos of the condition of the property when you left?

I would try to speak to Citizen's Advice, or if you can get to a solicitor to write them a sharp letter, this might be money well spent to resolve the problem quickly. The landlord must pay the money back within 10 days of the division of the deposit being agreed, according to this site. Personally I would just notify them of your intention to raise a dispute and you can then put this on ice until after half term. The fee for doing the inventory after you left sounds wrong to me, although according to Shelter this is legal.

So if you can, I would pay the agency their fee and then dispute the deposit separately.

Blu Tue 18-Feb-14 08:54:26

Unhook yourself from the drama of his exW demands.

Put all your energy into things which take you further forward. If there is nothing in it that will contribute to your future do not spend emotional energy on it. It is a form of dependency that is very pernicious.

Tripods advice sounds very good, good luck in pursuit of that. Enjoy half term.

zipzap Tue 18-Feb-14 09:41:14

Re the deposit - it's worth looking and asking on the legal board - there's been some great advice on there for people in similar situations and some people who know their stuff who might be able to help with the specifics of your situation...

BuzzLightbulb Tue 18-Feb-14 11:36:53

On the deposit front I have two experiences.

One where I let a flat and found a broken drawer front soon after moving in but never mentioned it to the letting agent. Lo and behold when I leave I'm charged �50 for the damage. Can't argue, my fault and the agents were horrific so glad to get out with just that.

Secondly, Indian guy I knew at work going back to India. Suddenly finds his deposit is being 100% withheld because the landlord wants to redecorate. I don't recommend this but I phoned the letting agent and told them I was the family solicitor, fair wear and tear was not recoverable, the inventory was signed off and as 'my client' only had a few weks left in the country we'd be going straight to court for the sum plus legal expenses.

The phone on his desk rang half an hour later, cheque in the post.

As I said, not recommended but the fees for the small claims court are cheap, process is simple and letting agents live off their reputation. I'd suggest a brief letter stating the facts and asking for confirmation the deposit will be returned within n days or you'll take them to small claims court.

And then do it. Just the paperwork arriving from the court should be enough.

TheMumsRush Thu 20-Feb-14 10:05:24

How are you op?

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 22:08:55

Hi everyone - settled into our new house, very happy!! Have registered a dispute with the deposit company so not a lot more I can do on that front apart from keeping my fingers crossed that common sense will prevail!.

Have heard from 'D'p just via telephone, he is struggling as I knew he would realising that his kids cannot be left alone, and have caused mayhem whilst he's been out - but it's not my problem, also the court have sorted the financial agreement and it's really bad!! I have no sympathy, he could have fought for it to be fair but didn't so it's his loss.

I have DS all week as ex is away, pretty bad timing as I would have liked to go out and have some fun but i'm probably a bit too vunerable at the moment anyway, so i'm grounded smile Thanks for all of the support - it's been a complete life saver!! xx

YeahThatsWhatISaid Thu 20-Feb-14 22:11:26

Glad to hear things are going as well as expected given the circumstances. Look after yourself thanks

TheMumsRush Thu 20-Feb-14 22:18:19

So glad you are happy op, I need to do the same.

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 22:32:57

Thanks smile Feeling very lonely though, need to rebuild my life again which is going to be difficult - i'm not going to rush as I need some time to lick my wounds first hmm

Mumsrush are you in the same situation? x

TheMumsRush Thu 20-Feb-14 22:38:14

Not quite the same, I think it's DV but I'm still very upset and confused. I have a farewell thread on here from today's events. You are so lucky it's that easy to leave. I've been in denial for do long.

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 22:42:39

Will try and find your thread now - it's so easy when you love the bastards to get suckered in and before you know it 5, 10, 20 years have passed being unhappy sad Spoke to my Mum today and she's desperate for me to break free but she knows he still has a grip on me so isn't expecting miracles but i'm so hoping i've done it this time!

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 22:47:49

Only read the first page of your original thread and am shock - get your LO and grab a train to mine - lets have a whinge about men weekend in my new house grin he can put his own bloody pots and pans away!! x

TheMumsRush Thu 20-Feb-14 22:56:23

smile That would be great! It's hard enough with sc, let alone all the other crap. I'm being urged to call 101 but I don't want him arrested or to even know I've logged it. Hard times ahead for me. We just bought a house so it's not like I can get evicted and get help sad oh well. I'll muddle on. I was following your "story" and really routing for you. You are Iike the one that got away to me and will have a happily ever after thanks

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 23:03:02

Early days yet - he's very manipulative and I am a sucker especially when it comes to him for some reason, my phone is currently switched off, I need to get my beloved pet back from him which hopefully I can do in the next few days (can't fit him in my car) but that's the only tie! Then I can go off the radar for a while, i'm hoping to get away abroad for a few days on my own soon too! smile

spillingthebeans Thu 20-Feb-14 23:09:29

Have PM'd you Mumsrush incase you want to compare notes!

BuzzLightbulb Fri 21-Feb-14 12:24:20

Sounds like you've got control of the situation, well done!

And enough wits about you to know you need to be on your guard against his cunning. Stay strong!

Blu Fri 21-Feb-14 13:51:38

OP, I am glad you have had a good week.

Have a close look at what makes you such a sucker for him. I know you said you feel sorry for him - but the thing us you can't help him because he won't accept any of your advice because he has zero respect for you. He just wants you to put up with the crap he generates (like looking after his kids while you should be working) , rather than sorting his life out and taking some responsibility. The more you feel sorry for him the more he will exploit you. The next thing will be the financial settlement. You will end up supporting him financially.

And beware of seeing yourself a the heroine who is strong enough to rescue him from himself. How far do scenarios like that cover the fact that actually you can't be to be alone / are hooked into the adrenaline and drama?

No one can rescue him until he pro-actively chooses to take some responsibility - for his kids happiness, behaviour, finances and relationships.

You are well out of it. Your DS does not need to live in a situation where his Mum is bound into a toxic relationship - that's as bad for your ds as him spending Valentine's night with his ex is for you.

You are so much stronger without this bloody man. When you get the chance, maybe re-build the friendships that you lost due to him?

Well done for sorting yourself out - onwards and upwards!

Eliza22 Fri 21-Feb-14 14:33:15

Well done you.... I predict MUCH better things, for your future smile. Keep us posted!

spillingthebeans Fri 21-Feb-14 19:53:18

Thanks again everyone, i've been thinking today though about how it could never work and how no other relationship will work for him while he is like this!

If he moved in with me (he's not) then I would lose my WFTC/CTC if they take into account his earnings, but 100% of his earnings go to his ExW (which she doesn't have to declare to get benefits) so how do people in second relationships manage to survive?? It's global maintenance and payable until he dies/she dies, she remarries (unlikely when she gets this much!) or a new court order, so not even just CM until the children end education. I guess this is what happens when you represent yourself in court and bury your head in the sand!!

As a friend, I have told him to get a residency order for the two living with him, claim the CB and possible WFTC/CM for them then when the bankruptcy is through go back to court to get it reassessed but I know he won't do any of this - I certainly am not helping him anymore, I have more important things to be doing!!! wink grin

ashtrayheart Fri 21-Feb-14 22:15:13

I need to know what pet you can't fit in your car? shock
Well done on getting out smile

spillingthebeans Sat 22-Feb-14 17:34:41

It's my alligator wink

No, a bird - his cage is massive, he's home now though, got him back this morning smile

TheMumsRush Sat 22-Feb-14 22:02:48

Ha ha! Spill that made me chuckle grin

ashtrayheart Sat 22-Feb-14 23:09:22

grin Glad you've got him back.

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