Apparently we should tone down the excitement about Christmas because DSD won't be here on Christmas morning (having loads of fun at her mum's)

(97 Posts)
needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 11:02:07

So on Christmas morning DSD will be at her mum's this year. Apparently we should hide our excitement for the boys' because their sister won't be here until the evening.

I put a thread on here a couple of weeks ago a out how BIL asked if we were going to wait until DSD gets here in the evening for the boys to open their Christmas presents. I thought this was ridiculous as DSD will be having fun at her mum's opening presents and experiencing the magic of Christmas whilst the boys sit here on their hands waiting for her grand arrival.

Since then I have been talking about how excited I am to see their faces on Christmas morning and its going to be so special seeing them together. Every time I mention it though the in laws throw something negative at me. "Oh it's a shame DsD won't be there though". "You cant possibly enjoy it fully as there'll be a person missing.", "Don't show your excitement in front of DsD or she'll be upset you're starting without her."

I could absolutely throttle them sometimes!! It's not my boys' fault that their sister won't be here every year! I told MIL that I still need to make it magical and exciting for the boys and can't pretend Christmas isn't happening.


Petal02 Wed 04-Dec-13 11:06:53

How utterly ridiculous. Maybe just you should cancel Christmas altogether, just to be on the safe side??

But seriously, why should your boys miss out on a normal Christmas morning?

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 11:14:07

It's an absolute joke! Of course it would be nice to have DSD here opening her presents with her brothers, that's out of mine and the boys' control and we can't pretend Christmas isn't happening until tea time.

It's really getting me down. When I got with a man with a child I didn't realise SHIT like this would come up! That my future children can't possibly have a normal Christmas. sad

stepmooster Wed 04-Dec-13 11:14:16

needaholidaynow Let me pour you a brew. My in-laws guilt complex really does my head in too.

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 11:23:25

Oooh Thankyou. Might need something a bit stronger by tea time though if they carry on!

Petal02 Wed 04-Dec-13 11:31:58

There are many reasons why DH and I haven't had a child together - but I just know that if we had, DSS would have always been Número Uno, and any subsequent child would have had to fit around him, rather than any 'blending' taking place.

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 12:11:04

It's sad isn't it Petal? All I want is for my children to just enjoy Christmas, without any of us feeling guilty if DSD is seeing other family members. It's not just Christmas either. When DSD was away on holiday with the in laws, we took the boys away to caravan for a couple of days to get away. Good job we didn't tell a soul about that or there would have been uproar!

And it's the relationship with the children as well. As you say DSS would always be number one, well DSD is Number one as well. Everything should revolve around DSD, life shouldn't go on when she isn't here, no blending should take place and we should go down the pecking order according to who was born first hmm

God help them if I had a child from a previous relationship in the family!

elliebellys Wed 04-Dec-13 12:24:34

Take no notice,i know its hard,what theyr,e suggestin is utter nonsense.enjoy your xmas with the boys .

Have you asked them directly why it is fair for your boys to have to wait until the day is three-quarters over before they can enjoy their christmas? Are they saying that your boys don't deserve to have any christmas fun?

I would be confronting them directly about this nonsense - but then it is easy for me to say that, I do realise - I am not in the situation.

I think you are doing the right thing by giving your boys all the fun and magic that you can - they deserve nothing less, and you are not doing it to make your dsd feel bad.

ZombieMojaveWonderer Wed 04-Dec-13 13:16:15

Ignore them op and don't let them spoil it for you and your boys. Jeez anyone would think the world revolved around your dsd the way they are going on.
Christmas is for everyone to enjoy so they can get stuffed! wink

Thegreatunslept Wed 04-Dec-13 13:32:59

What nonsense!!
My dsd won't be with us until Boxing Day, we never have her on Christmas Day. I have already put my foot down when dsil suggested putting Christmas on hold til Boxing Day I just laughed and said it's not as if dsd will be at her mums on her own with no presents so why should we do the same!
My ds is only 6 months so won't understand this year but I don't want him growing up thinking we have to wait for dsd to be here to do nice/fun things.

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 13:38:10

Thanks everyone smile I'm glad I'm not alone in thinking my in laws are completely in the wrong!

I haven't said anything to them because my DP doesn't want me to. I want to have it out with them for the sake of my children. I want to stick up for them. But DP is a wuss and just wants to "keep the peace". I've had enough of keeping the peace all year, but they've stopped to a new low this time.

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 13:47:24

Thegreatunslept I don't blame you for saying no to your SIL! Like you say, you don't want your DS to grow up knowing that he can only cellar fun at Christmas (and fun in general!) when your DSD is there. What kind of message will that send out to him?

My DS1 is really understanding it this year. He's almost 3 and everything is just magical to him. He loves the Christmas tree; first thing he says to me when he wakes up in the morning is that he wants to see our Christmas tree. He's excited about Santa coming, and wants it to snow and can't wait for Santa to put the presents under the tree for him! I keep telling him what happens at Christmas, and he's just so excited. It makes me so happy!

Why should I stop DS1 being excited? As he gets older he will know that it's Christmas in the morning and if he's told that he can't open his presents until his sister arrives, knowing full well she will opening presents anyway, I wouldn't blame him if it just filled him up with resentment.

Petal02 Wed 04-Dec-13 14:37:32

god help if I had a child from a previous relationship

Ah, I've often thought that too! I don't think DH could have had a lasting relationship with a lady who brought her own children into the mix, as it might have meant DSS doing some blending/compromising!

Petal02 Wed 04-Dec-13 14:44:31

needaholdaynow I'd love to be at your house on Christmas morning, seeing DS1's face as he sees the tree and his presents. It's a lovely pink fuzzy thought smile

Loveineveryspoonful Wed 04-Dec-13 15:24:02

Needaholiday, tbtG my ds 15 is perfect! Perfect stepchild, that it...
He's always been one to shun the spotlight, and as dsc 13 and 16 thrive in constant limelight there is little animosity between them.
Re Xmas, we all celebrate on the 23rd, when all the kids are together and they are forced to open all their presents from us a day early... Its hard on them wink but they are happy to make this sacrifice so their mum and her family have them every year for all the important dates!
Even dss birthday, this year in dads week (he stays with us 50:50) means he goes to hers for the evening... I used to get angry on dh behalf. Now that I realize his dc don't really give a fig anyway about the celebrations and just want "stuff", I let it go.
Ds, dh and I then celebrate "old style traditional" with my dsis (my parents have sadly both passed away) who, due to chronic condition, would only be with carers. It's not glamorous, but its family and (sob) I'm pathetically sentimental about that (and feel unbelievably blessed that ds has such a warm heart).
Btw, how does dsd feel about this? Is she generous enough to wish you and your boys well and to have a lovely Xmas, or does she express the wish herself you all hold your breath until she arrives? If it's the latter I'd be worried your inlaws have already instilled an unseemly sense of entitlement...

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 16:16:41

TBH I don't think DSD is bothered. She's excited about being at her mum's and then coming here. As long as there's presents wherever she is that's all she's bothered about. If she is bothered at all or upset then I do blame the in laws for drilling that sense of entitlement in to her.

It's just the in laws being miserable twats really.

AddictedtoGreys Wed 04-Dec-13 19:53:04

my DH said once that its not really Christmas on Christmas day as my DSD won't be here, and boxing day is the real Christmas shock

I promptly told him that although I understand that its not easy for him to be away from his DD, Christmas is Christmas, and neither our DS or I will be missing out on Christmas day, just as his DSD won't be refusing to open any presents at her mums on Christmas morning!

he now agrees that we don't just have 1 christmas on boxing day, we have 2 Christmas days, 1 with DS, and 1 with DS and DSD. just like other posters I don't want DS (or DSD) thinking our lives stop when DSD isn't here.

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 20:10:05

Wow I bet it's even worse hearing our DP say it! I'd be not only angry but very very upset if my DP actually thought Christmas wasn't special with his other children if one of them wasn't there. I know it's probably hard not to see one of your children at Christmas, but what people need to remember is that the circumstances surrounding siblings parents not being together is not their fault and these children from "second families" deserve to enjoy Christmas without any of that rubbish hanging over their heads. They get it enough the ready of the year!

needaholidaynow Wed 04-Dec-13 20:10:57

thhe rest of the year!

theredhen Wed 04-Dec-13 20:44:24

What really annoys me with all this is that the step kids are enjoying THEIR Xmas day but the other kids aren't allowed to. hmm

Yes the absent parent might feel a bit sad and miss their other kids but the fact that they know they're happy and enjoying their Xmas should count for something and should help them up focus on ensuring the remaining kids also enjoy their Xmas too.

I think it's pure selfishness on the part of these moaning relatives. Because THEY want to spend time with the step kids, they have decided that everyone else should feel as they do.

Eliza22 Thu 05-Dec-13 08:18:51

This is ludicrous. It is your children's Christmas. Excitement goes with the territory. Ignore this petty adult projection of their "shoulds & should nots". It has NOTHING to do with them.

same as everyone else has said everyone in this house knows they all do different things and no-one sits at home waiting for the others to return. we be e Christmas day with just ds this year then Christmas day night we do it all again. no-one misses out and if be fuming if someone suggested they should. I keep some presents for ds for boxing day on these years but we don't do much else different

holidaysarenice Thu 05-Dec-13 08:32:38

'Utter nonsense' and laugh hard every time they say it.

'Also, do you want ur dinner at 8pm then??' And an affected head tilt!!

Alanna1 Thu 05-Dec-13 08:38:31

Can't there be a compromise? We let the kids open a few presents each then wait for our little half sister to come round. The kids understand that she has a different mum and dad who don't live together. We do fun stuff whilst waiting.

Petal02 Thu 05-Dec-13 09:30:34

Alanna, your suggestion means the resident children have to compromise, but the step child doesn't. Which is the very situation the OP is trying to avoid.

Eliza22 Thu 05-Dec-13 13:53:15

WHY do we put up with this endless nonsense?

needaholidaynow Thu 05-Dec-13 14:55:15

They've been at it again!!

As long as the boys are ok then we don't give a shit about DSD.

I could scream I really really could. Please tell me I'm not going insane!!

needaholidaynow Thu 05-Dec-13 14:57:35

Re above post. DSD will be at her mum's having fun and opening her presents. Therefore if the boys get to do the same we don't give a shit about DSD. angry

Petal02 Thu 05-Dec-13 15:07:19

It sounds like they don't give a shit about the boys, TBH.

needaholidaynow Thu 05-Dec-13 15:16:04

They don't Petal. You may have seen all of my threads over the past year about them. They are toxic.

Petal02 Thu 05-Dec-13 15:45:24

That's a very sad state of affairs for your boys. And yet people still seem to think that "first family" children get sidelined following a split. It really couldn't be further from the truth.

needaholidaynow Thu 05-Dec-13 15:54:54

It's sad but I do continue to stick up for them so they know I'll always be there to fight their corner smile They've got my family as well, especially my dad. He would be heartbroken if he knew what DP's family have been saying. He treats DSD like a granddaughter but he knows that it would be very very wrong to make the boys wait to open their presents as all children regardless of their family set up should get to enjoy Christmas. My DP's family would really mess these boys up if I let them.

catsmother Thu 05-Dec-13 18:57:02

They sound unhinged - certainly they're stupid.

It's bad enough to have had them whingeing on about "playing down" Xmas so SD doesn't get "upset" (really, would she ?) ... but to now have said that you "don't give a shit about SD" would have had me telling them to fuck right off if I was in your shoes. That remark is completely out of order.

NoBloodyMore Thu 05-Dec-13 19:05:07

I'm looking at this from the other side, my eldest DS is at his dads christmas morning this year, I have 2 younger DC who I wouldn't dream of making them wait until dinnertime when DS1 gets home to start their Christmas, I'll keep a few presents back for when he gets home, yes it's sad & I will miss him lots but that's not the younger DC fault & he'll be having fun at his dads

needaholidaynow Thu 05-Dec-13 19:25:45

Well I've just had it out with the crazy BIL. He said that DSD is part of our family, which she IS and wouldn't have it any other way. But I told him that he can't just expect the boys on pause when DSD isn't there. I told him that he mustn't care about the boys that much if he thinks they shouldn't be allowed to be happy and have fun not only at Christmas but all year round, even on the days when DSD isn't here. so I told him not to bother going near the boys and filling their heads with shit when they start to understand.

He told me to go and fuck myself and that me, DP and the boys can drop dead.

I would suggest opening most of the presents first, but saving some for the rest of your family to open alongside her when she arrives.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 05-Dec-13 19:47:41

Well done for speaking up Needa. Sorry your BiL is such a psycho. Does this mean that you never have to speak to him again?

WitchOfEndor Thu 05-Dec-13 19:55:01

Suggest that DSD holds off on opening any presents too, and brings them all to yours so all the children can open them together. They can't argue with that can they? It wouldn't be fair otherwise.

needaholidaynow Thu 05-Dec-13 19:57:08

Absolutely! I've told him to stay the F away from us. We aren't going to see DP's family on Boxing Day either.

Mishmashofstyles Thu 05-Dec-13 20:04:25

I would've thought the children would enjoy it more opening presents all together.
Some families only open presents in the afternoon. Why would it be so awful?
I don't really see why it has to be such a big deal.

Mishmashofstyles Thu 05-Dec-13 20:05:36

We used to open presents in the evening when GPs came. It was fine.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 05-Dec-13 20:08:14

I'm sure the children would enjoy opening their presents together Mishmash, but DSD isn't goung to be there until much later in the day and I doubt that the children may not enjoy having to put their Christmas on hold until she gets there.

TalkativeJim Thu 05-Dec-13 20:08:56

I suggest you have a very serious conversation with your DH, and point out to him that:

- your DSD is a lovely girl and is happy with things as they are;
- your boys, her brothers, are lovely boys and happy with things as they are;
- there will always be two family groups to consider, so this situation will not change;
- and whereas everyone else seems to realise this and gets on with it, the fly in the ointment is your DH's family who seem hell-bent on not only spoiling your Christmas, but also your DSD's (are they whipping her up into thinking she's missing out because the boys will actually want to celebrate Christmas day too?!), and for good measure trying to stir up trouble between the siblings!

Recipe for everyone to be happy at Christmas? Avoid these toxic grandparents/uncles etc. like the plague. Ask your DH if he wants all his children to grow up loving and supporting one another, or if he wants jealousies and resentments to grow? If the former, there's one group of people he wants to cut out RIGHT NOW.

Don't back down and go there Boxing Day - keep all the children away from them.

Only1scoop Thu 05-Dec-13 20:10:20

He sounds delightfulhmm
What an absolute load of nonsense enjoy every Christmassy minute with your dc.

OddBoots Thu 05-Dec-13 20:13:00

There is no doubt that your inlaws are being unreasonable but in your place I would divide gifts between morning and evening, then all children would be opening some apart and some together - for the sake of your boys too.

needaholidaynow Thu 05-Dec-13 20:15:11

Mishmash Because my children shouldn't have to wait all day for their sister, who will be opening presents elsewhere. If she shouldn't have to wait every other year then why should my children?

We're talking about Christmas morning for two children here. One who understands it and I really want it to be special and exciting for him. Not have the politics of "second family" rules hanging over his head every other year. That's not fair.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Thu 05-Dec-13 20:18:33

Present opening and when is not the issue here. The fact is this child is being offered as a princess and no one else can be happy unless she is there.

It is irrelevant what other people have done. This is one family where things are difficult with precious daughter's, immature BIL and a father who can't get his head around ALL his children being equal.

needaholidaynow Thu 05-Dec-13 20:20:52

I will keeping some aside for when DSD comes, but the majority the boys will open on Christmas morning.

OddBoots Thu 05-Dec-13 20:23:13

I think my passive-aggressive side would come out in your shoes then and every time I mentioned Christmas I would have to pointedly say 'while dsd is having a great time in the morning unwrapping her presents with her mum...'.

Bahhhhhumbug Thu 05-Dec-13 21:30:46

God what is it with these 'first wave' of DCs in a 'blended' family being held up as some sort of messiahs! Are people really stupid enough to believe that does anyone any good , not least the child themselves. It's also imo putting the 'second wave' of DCs down to poor relation status.

Bahhhhhumbug Thu 05-Dec-13 21:49:57

My DH bless him puts the cat among the pigeons every year by buying his DGD a new coat and/or new shoes. His son and current wife always cry foul because he doesn't buy their son (her half brother) the same.

DHs reasoning? His DGD lives , through no fault of her own across two households , whilst her younger (half)brother doesn't. So whilst her parents (DHs son and his ex obv.) are arguing about who keeps which clothes at which house , blah bloody blah , DGD is often walking round in no coat or coat/shoes several sizes too small or very cheap Primarni clothes. Her brother in the meantime is walking round in designer clothes and quality footwear that fits. DH in short isn't buying her an extra present over her brother. He is buying her a coat/shoes because her dad and stepmum wont and she NEEDS it/them.

Another little entitled, self centred one in the making , who on listening to all this crap from the 'adults' around him is now on constant guard to check his sister isn't getting or doing anything that he isn't. Also going round in his little head is the thought that his DGF must love his Dsis more than him because he buys her things he doesn't buy him.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 05-Dec-13 23:39:09

That's terrible. Why won't her dad or mum buy her what she needs?

Bahhhhhumbug Thu 05-Dec-13 23:43:55

Mum does but dad too tight encouraged by his wife. So mum refuses understandably to send her only winter coat which she has bought to his house as it never comes back. DH always steps in and buys one to keep at her dads house.

Bahhhhhumbug Thu 05-Dec-13 23:48:20

Encouraged by his wife not to spend anything at all on his DD l meant.

DioneTheDiabolist Thu 05-Dec-13 23:53:20

Has he tried having a word with his son? How did it go?

hoppinghare Fri 06-Dec-13 00:11:59

It would be nice if you could wait for her. If one of your boys was somewhere else in the morning would you want to wait for them? I would want to wait for our children to all be there.

Bahhhhhumbug Fri 06-Dec-13 00:20:09

Only arguments about the 'unfairness' of buying for his DD and not his DS occasionally. DH explains he buys them both exact equal Xmas and Birthday presents and these coats/shoes are purely bought because he will not see his DGD walking round in ill fitting or no coat etc. and they are not presents therefore he is not prepared to match them for his DGS.
MY SS is extremely tight and admits so himself and his wife shall we say is not her SDs biggest fan so between them this results in absolute minimum money being spent on my DSGD.
My DSGDs mum gets pressurised all the time to buy all her DDs clothes , enough in fact for both houses and to hand them over willingly at 'handover' (sorry awful phrase but ykwim). This despite being constantly without her good winter coat say on a Monday morning because her dad has conveniently 'forgotten' to return it. So now she refuses and tells her ex that he should buy her some clothes for his house. He - and his new wife no doubt feeds this - seems to be of opinion that he gives her maintenance (less than he should actually) so she should buy the clothes.
....and round and round we go !
Sorry for hijack OP.

Bahhhhhumbug Fri 06-Dec-13 00:22:06

buy all the clothes , that should read.

Bahhhhhumbug Fri 06-Dec-13 00:30:21

In fact last week DSGD visited us with her dad and brother who was wearing a lovely thick winter coat and DSGD was wearing a cheap thin fleece. When my DH queried her flimsy 'coat' his son said 'Oh her mums got her winter coat, she didn't send it with her - AGAIN , I'll have to get it off her'
I actually spoke to DSGDs mum last week who told me she had bought a lovely £50 winter coat for her DD and had told her ex he wasn't having it because he wont send it back.
So l predict another family bust up just in time for Christmas after DH inevitably buys her another coat sad .

AliceinWonderhell Fri 06-Dec-13 07:43:08

It would be nice if you could wait for her

What exactly would the OPs family be waiting for? And it would be nice for whom?

SatinSandals Fri 06-Dec-13 07:49:37

Don't even enter discussion- smile, nod and ignore.

needaholidaynow Fri 06-Dec-13 08:03:48

humbug it's ok! smile

hoppinghare As Alice said, nice for who? Certainly not "nice" for my children to have to wait for in their eyes "the golden child" every other year!

catsmother Fri 06-Dec-13 09:11:26

The BIL is a very nasty piece of work. Who on earth states that two small children should "drop dead" ??

And yet you have been cast in the role of villain because you understandably refuse to have your kids wait until the evening before opening their presents ?!? I think that's an impossible ask of most children, yet alone a very young one, and, as you said before, completely unfair to impose questionable step family politics on them.

I really really don't think your SD will feel she's missing out. She'll have all the traditional Xmas excitement at her mother's house, waking up (early) to a pile of presents, being the centre of attention etc. Is she really going to stop and worry about what's going on at her dad's. In fact, one of the "advantages" (and I don't mean to sound flippant or offend anyone) of being a child with separated parents is that on occasions like these you (usually) get two lots of presents, two Xmases, two birthday celebrations and so on. I'm sure she'll love coming to yours knowing full well she'll have more stuff to open - to many children the fact they'd be having presents when their siblings weren't (regardless of when theirs were opened) would perhaps be more exciting because the focus would be on them alone.

Appreciate that every family has different traditions and for all those who always have presents in the afternoon/evening etc and who say it didn't kill the kids to wait that's fine ..... but ...... in those circumstances, all the kids would be treated the same. They would all have to wait, they would all have to "do without" presents until later. In this situation however, if Needa waited, one child would still get presents before everyone else ..... and, sad to say, some children would get mileage out of that by boasting and making snarky remarks to their siblings. How would that be fair ? As Toffee says, it's not so much about presents per se - though being realistic and honest, if you're a small child, then presents probably are the most important part of Xmas for you - it's about a particular child who is continually being held up as "the most important" child, the child everyone else must defer to and so on. Blended families are hard enough as it is - due often to practical logistics and natural jealousy - but if (some of) the so-called adults in the family then also insist on a rigid and shit stirring pecking order it becomes a nightmare. I just hope that their influence on SD isn't too great .... they sound absolutely like the sort of people who'd deliberately try to "upset" SD by making out she's being deliberately excluded from something wonderful.

You absolutely shouldn't sound guilty for doing what you want during Xmas Day and I hope your little one has a fantastic time. It's such a ridiculous unnecessary argument to have when no-one is actually missing out on anything and you'll be freely welcoming SD later in the day anyway. Your BIL has really shown himself up for the revolting bigot that he is - just can't believe what he said - in the same breath as professing to care about SD. How does he think she'd feel if her dad's family literally dropped dead ?

As everyone else has said, you would be extremely unfair to your other dc to make them pause their day because your dsd isn't there. Life continues and you would be doing them a great disservice. In my experience, the decision has to be made for the best of the family family unit as a whole.

Mishmashofstyles Fri 06-Dec-13 09:25:38

Wiy not open the presents in the evening every year? Then it won't be about DSD. It'll just be the way things happen.

needaholidaynow Fri 06-Dec-13 09:36:50

Because Christmas morning is the most exciting bit. Coming down in the morning to see if Santa has been and then opening the presents. That's what I did as a child and I want my children to be able to feel that same excitement. Making them wait until the evening, to me, takes away the excitement for them, especially when so little.

hoppingmad Fri 06-Dec-13 09:39:30

I'm going to go against the grain here. When exp had the children Christmas morning we had Christmas on Boxing Day, if we were having them we had it on Christmas Eve so we got the whole day to relax together either way.
Dh never saw it as dtwins missing out or being second best because this is never how it was. Neither him nor I wanted to celebrate a family occasion when 1/3 of the family wasn't there - it was more logical to us to have Christmas when it suited us.

Exp went NC in the end anyway because he's an arsehole so it's no longer an issue and dtwins are still young but I absolutely would have continued this as they get older.

Older dc's are not more important, they are equally so, I would always want all 4 together and if there was a way to accommodate that then it seems daft not to

needaholidaynow Fri 06-Dec-13 09:46:55

hopping but can you not see that in my case one child would get to experience a traditional Christmas morning, and that two others would be waiting around for this child all day to open theirs. Getting bored, getting upset, possibly brimming with resentment at this sibling (granted the resentment wouldn't happen this year as they are so young, but next time DSd is at her mum's DS1 won't be daft and will know he's being made to wait for his sister, resentment kicking in full force) Then DSD will come round, have another set of presents, and the boys will only just be getting to open theirs having waited all day, when they might be tired too. Christmas nearly over, anti climax due to waiting all day. Christmas Day basically ruined for them.

basgetti Fri 06-Dec-13 09:59:08

Christ, the OP's DSD is not being left outside in the cold like Tiny Tim, watching through the window at the rest of the family living it up. She is with her MUM! No doubt having an exciting time opening presents. Why should the OP's children be denied that same excitement? The ILs are being twats.

hoppingmad Fri 06-Dec-13 09:59:32

I can see that, that's exactly why we moved the whole day. We didn't want the older dc's to arrive half way through and we didn't want our younger ones waiting all day.
Even when we had them in the morning I had to leave to drive them to exp's at 3pm so it just ruins the whole day.

It's one of those no win situations if you can't move the day though so I don't know what I would do in your shoes

needaholidaynow Fri 06-Dec-13 10:07:14

In my shoes I will be doing exactly what we have had planned and that will be for the boys to open their presents on Christmas morning, whilst DsD is having a wonderful time at her mums. Then, in the evening, DSD will come here all excited and open her presents here without a care in the world as to what happened here earlier that day because she would have been too enthralled in what she was doing at her mum's.

Petal02 Fri 06-Dec-13 10:07:28

But if the OP reschedules the whole day, she'll still have two tots who are denied the excitement of Christmas morning. Dreadfully unfair. I couldn't do that to two little boys sad

needaholidaynow Fri 06-Dec-13 10:16:03

I couldn't either Petal It's so special and you don't get many Christmasses where it's completely magical to them. I'll definitely be going against the in laws "wishes".

hoppingmad Fri 06-Dec-13 10:19:32

Ours didn't miss any excitement as we did the whole Christmas Eve, Christmas morning thing just on different days.
It probably felt natural for me to do this as my own childhood was similar. I also never wanted the older dc's to miss out because exp made no effort at Christmas - half full stocking and one gift each with no excitement (nothing left for Santa and the reindeers - stockings to be opened in their own rooms as they weren't allowed in each others or to wake ex up before 10 shock)

I do get this is different as op's dsd will actually already have had a good Christmas

I was merely suggesting it is possible to move the day entirely. I would have 1 Christmas with dm and a few days later have another one with df. Although I have no half siblings so that was never an issue.

I think my opinion is biased by how badly my dc's were treated once exp had a new family though and probably shouldn't have got involved with this thread tbh, apologies for that

needaholidaynow Fri 06-Dec-13 10:21:24

The BIL also said DSD should be spending Christmas with her "real brothers" (my DSs) and not "that little shit" (meaning DSD's mum's 10 month old baby)

He's got a back with children that man hmm Wishing them dead and calling the others little shits.

InternetRandom Fri 06-Dec-13 10:39:09

What's it got to do with the BIL anyway? I could understand it more if it was the grandparents, but don't see why he gets this het up about it. And yes, the boys should open their presents on Christmas morning.

Eliza22 Fri 06-Dec-13 10:42:51

Good God! I'd keep myself to myself, if they were my in laws. Please, just have your Christmas as you wish! don't listen to it.

Kaluki Fri 06-Dec-13 11:00:08

Your BIL sounds completely vile!! I would keep him well away from all your DC if I was you.
This year my DSC arrive on Christmas afternoon so we will open our presents in the morning without them, then after lunch the dc will all open their presents to each other and DSC open presents from us. They have some joint presents which we will save till the afternoon.
I just hope my DP gets into the spirit of things before his DC arrive this year, last time he had a mournful glum face all morning until prince and princess arrived and then he cheered right up, which gave me the hump grin

catsmother Fri 06-Dec-13 11:12:49

Gobsmacked - again. That BIL doesn't sound normal, I'm almost wondering if he has some sort of unhealthy obsession with SD for whatever reason. A 10 month old baby is a "little shit" ?? - good God.

I had wondered if his promotion of SD was a reaction to his brother starting a new relationship ? Some ILs do become rather fanatical when a relationship breaks down and some express their disapproval by "siding" with the ex, and pretending the new partner and any subsequent kids simply don't exist. However, heck knows what's going on in his head if he refers to your DSs as SD's "real" brothers (in the circumstances, a back handed compliment if ever I heard one) and to her other baby brother in such revolting terms ? Perhaps he's just an extremely inappropriate and controlling person who wants everything his own way regardless of it being none of his business and irrespective of how much he oversteps the mark. Even if he genuinely believes he has a point, he's hardly going to win you round to his way of thinking by being a foul mouthed bully is he ? Seriously, his attitude is nowhere near normal, and I'd actually be concerned to have any of my children anywhere near him. Does he have access to SD via your DP's ex, or has he only ever seen her when she's been with you ? ...... I'd want to keep him away from her.

Kaluki Fri 06-Dec-13 11:22:28

How would DPs ex feel about her baby being called a little shit and not as important as your dc? I hope he isn't saying things like that in DSD's earshot. The baby is as much her brother as your own dc are. He sounds quite sinister tbh.

I don't think you should do your christmas morning any differently, because of your vile BIL's stupid views, needaholiday. If you had decided you did all want to wait for the main present-opening until your dsd was there, I would have suggested what we do in our family - which is stocking presents in the morning (which was always lots of fun, and made the children very happy - and gave them some things to enjoy during the morning), then the main presents from under the tree, after lunch.

We do it this way to spread the fun across the day - and because that is the way my mum and dad did it when dsis and I were children, so that is what feels right to us. If you wanted to change things, that could work for you.

But there is no way I would change my christmas on the say-so of a charmer like your BIL - though he has done you a favour, in that he's shown you his true colours, and so you don't need to see him at all over Christmas, which can only be a good thing!

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Fri 06-Dec-13 13:54:04

So, OPs DS should wait for the evening so that "golden child" is there. Meanwhile golden child gets an exciting morning. OPs DS get nothing.
Evening - OP DS get to open their presents, GC gets to open hers. Yes, really fair hmm.

randomAXEofkindness Fri 06-Dec-13 14:20:07

Last year Dss came to us on boxing day. As soon as he arrived he went straight over to the smaller kid's and asked them what they'd gotten off Father Christmas, oohed and ahhed over it all (all put on, because they're baby toys to him), asked me how I was, whether I'd had a good Christmas, whether the kid's had enjoyed it, whether I'd gotten anything nice myself etc. He was happy to hear that everybody else had enjoyed themselves, happy because they were happy.

When people want the world to be put on hold for step-kids and expect everybody else to live their lives as bit parts on The Truman Show, what kind of people do they expect those kids to be? They'd be narcissistic arses as adults if they started to believe it. They're doing them a massive disservice.

Your IL's do sound mega toxic op, stay well away.

YADNBU (and your comments about how excited your ds is gave me the Christmas butterflies fgrin)

catsmother Fri 06-Dec-13 14:26:20

Random - your SS sounds a lovely boy!

TalkativeJim Fri 06-Dec-13 14:45:12

Um, 'that little shit' is actually his niece's other little brother, then? Just as closely related as your own boys?

OP, these people are toxic. I hope your DH can see it. Your problem most certainly isn't the fact that you have a blended family, your problem is their corrosive attitude. They seem to WANT to set all the children in your family against one another.

The two blended families I know are lucky enough to get on well enough that the siblings on either side (ie not related to one another, as in your sons and your DSD's mum's new baby) are ALSO close and call each other 'sort of siblings'. THAT'S the kind of family to aspire to. Don't let your absolute poison-monger of a BIL spoil it for them all.

ElenorRigby Fri 06-Dec-13 15:11:52

There's always been a hint from our IL's that DSD is more important to them than DD but only a whisper nothing glaring IYSWIM.

OP why do have anything but the minimum to do with the inlaws??
As for the BIL shock Id fuck him right off.angry

Good grief, no wonder you needaholiday!

Bahhhhhumbug Fri 06-Dec-13 18:36:40

randomAXE it definitely does make a narc out of the stepchild. I have an adult SS who is the youngest of my DHs first family. He has always been exalted to this messiah status in the name of ensuring he has never missed out on anything and has not been disadvantaged because of his parents split and also because he is the 'baby' of his generation.

As a result he has been vastly over compensated for his circumstances and almost permanently infantazised (sp?) by my DH and the rest of his family.

I honestly believe he could go in the street and shoot someone and the whole family would make excuses for him. Needless to say he is a horrible person , who can play his dad especially like a violin and god does he know it. Self centred, arrogant and entitled.

Sad thing is after all their efforts to ensure otherwise he did miss out , big time. On becoming the nice sociable caring person he no doubt would have been.

DioneTheDiabolist Fri 06-Dec-13 23:24:00

Needa, the Christmas that you have planned for all the DCs sounds lovely. I wish you health to enjoy

The only ones missing out will be your in-laws and that's their own fault.

needaholidaynow Thu 19-Dec-13 20:22:20

Things have gotten quite nasty between me an ILs. They've pushed me and pushed me all year. I'm definitely not going to theirs over Christmas and neither are my children. Is that bad of me? The children won't get their presents but I don't want them or me being around those people.

Petal02 Fri 20-Dec-13 07:45:08

Stick to your guns. They sound like vile, toxic people. A very sad situation though.

differentnameforthis Fri 20-Dec-13 08:46:57

Is DSD the fricking queen? Seriously, you have to halt your celebrations because she won't be there? Tough, I say! She gets to have "Christmases", your boys get one.

At the very least I would hold back a couple of presents for the boys, so THEY don't feel left out when she is opening her second set of presents.

I remember one year my mother had a new boyfriend & hi dad came to ours for Christmas. Usually we all pile downstairs, open pressies in a frenzy of arms, legs & wrapping paper everywhere & scoff chocs for breakfast.

That year we had to get up, get dressed, have breakfast, have lunch & then open presents. Lunch was a late lunch as breakfast was HUGE! We were older, so we got on with it & didn't moan as we knew how much it meant to mum, but her boyfriend's father was the most hated man in the world on that day & my sister & I could see each other seething.

differentnameforthis Fri 20-Dec-13 09:03:14

It would be nice if you could wait for her

So she gets to open her presents, from her mum & her half brothers don't to open theirs from their mum & dad until she graces them with her presence? What's nice about that?

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 20-Dec-13 09:03:42

I don't have sc but this seems like madness to me! Ds1 is going away for christmas with his pgp (hes 18) ds2 is with us christmas eve this year but was at his dads last year and we had christmas day as normal.

Cant imagen making ds3&4 wait until their brothers come back to start celebrating.

If we did that they would be waiting a week for ds1 this year. Your bil sounds awful, I'd be keeping all the dc away from him.

differentnameforthis Fri 20-Dec-13 09:06:05

Wiy not open the presents in the evening every year?

Yet the daughter will get to open hers, at her mum's, in the morning. Because it doesn't sound to me like she will be asked to wait to open them with her siblings.

How is that fair? That she gets to open hers while 2 little boys have to wait for her?

One word - resentment. Once they are old enough to understand, this will cause resentment & problems between the siblings.

differentnameforthis Fri 20-Dec-13 09:10:58

If the ILs really want the dsd included from the off, the only sensible answer is for dsd to go to the ops for Christmas morning (or stay over Christmas eve night) & for all the siblings to open their presents together. Then she can have breakfast, go to mums for lunch, come to dads for arranged time, or go Boxing day.

That way, all siblings get presents together & no one feels left out. But I am betting the op has better chance of getting a whale up her arse than getting her ILs to agree to that!

ThistletoeAndWine Fri 20-Dec-13 09:17:45

How old is dsd?

Carry on as u are op!!

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