Problem with DSS staying

(54 Posts)
reallyunsure1 Fri 29-Nov-13 10:40:31

NCd for this....

Will try not to drip feed. DP has a DS (6) and I have a DD (3). Due to space DSS has to sleep in my DDs room when he is here.

Last weekend, DD and DSS were upstairs playing. They were quiet so I asked DP to check on them as I was cooking. He went up and says they both had trousers and underwear off and DSS was "looking" at DD with a torch. He told them to stop, shouldn't be doing it and brought them both downstairs. He told me and I asked him what they had said, what he had said etc. He said it was just normal inquisitiveness and not to worry. I got upset and said its not normal, and if he thinks it is for his DS, it certainly isn't for my DD.

I think its relevant that DSS has 5 older half siblings ranging from 24 to 9, and has maybe been exposed to things my DD hasn't has an only child with no cousins etc.

I asked DP to talk to DSS about it and explain he shouldn't do it etc, and I gently spoke to DD about it. She has said more to me about it than DSS said to DP, probably because she doesn't know anything "wrong" has happened whereas he knows he has done wrong. She said he hurt her bottom and put things in it sad

DP seems to think we should pretend it didn't happen, not make a big deal and watch them more, but I tried to explain how upset I was about it, the implications it could have for me and her if she tells her dad, pre-school etc. He thinks they should still be able to sleep in the same room but I don't. I know DSS is only young but he should know what he did was wrong. I just want to keep my DD safe as she had no idea they shouldn't be doing what they were, and I am reluctant to tell her all the things she shouldn't be doing due to her age. DSS is due here tomorrow, and I really don't know what to do. There genuinely isn't anywhere else for him to sleep, otherwise I would feel ok about that, and watching them and not allowing him in her room, but it just isn't possible. Does anyone please have any advice or ideas?

Kyrptonite Fri 29-Nov-13 10:42:55

I would take DD away until DP grasps the gravity of what has happened. Sorry but your DSS is more than old enough to know that's not right.

It's sexual abuse. Sorry but it's not right and he wouldn't be in my house if I didn't feel my daughter was safe.

Morgause Fri 29-Nov-13 10:43:45

IMO they certainly should not be sharing a room. Maybe put a camp bed up in your room for DSS.

Your DH is being a complete wanker about this.

Kyrptonite Fri 29-Nov-13 10:44:15

Just saw he was 6. I thought he was 9 for some reason. I would be making sure DP spoke to him and made him aware that it's not on. Can he sleep on the sofa or your DD comes in with you?

Sorry really unhelpful

FrauMoose Fri 29-Nov-13 10:50:24

I'd say that while looking is not unusual and could be seen as ordinary curiosity - hurting and 'putting in' things is a cause for concern.

I think my inclination would be to continue talking, not just to DP but to your stepson's mother about what sorts of behaviour he may have been exposed to. For example might he have seen 'adult' films - e.g. porn - which have stimulated this kind of sexualised behaviour?

And I do not think it would be at all sensible for them to carry on sleeping in the same room. (Can your stepson sleep in the corner of your room on a fold-out bed. Is there space?)

AddictedtoGreys Fri 29-Nov-13 10:58:08

I have a 5 year old DSD and she would definitely know that doing something like that was wrong, so no doubt your DSS does too.

I have a 6 month old DS and she is naturally curious about how "boys bits" are different, especially when I change his nappy! but she would never take his nappy off when alone with him and have a good look! I think at that age they know their bits are just for them and no-one else, and so also know that they shouldn't be looking at anyone else's.

your DH definitely needs to have a serious chat with him and not sweep it under the carpet and hope it goes away, as if your DSS is being exposed to things by his older siblings you never know what he might try and do next time if he isn't told its wrong, doesn't bare thinking about confused

reallyunsure1 Fri 29-Nov-13 10:59:57

Thank you for your replies.

I think DP is making it out to be not as bad in his head as he doesn't want to see DSS as the one in the wrong. (slight Disney issues, but that's another thread!) I also said to him that I think he is saying is normal etc because he knows that DSS won't be able to stay if he agrees with me that it isn't.

I asked him to talk to DSS's mum and she said it was natural and wouldn't talk to him as it would keep the thought in his mind hmm

There just isn't space for him in our room. That was my first thought but I've looked into it, and we just couldn't fit a campbed/airbed anywhere. I guess the sofa is the only solution but that means us going to bed early, and to me isn't a long term solution.

I'm also so cross about it. With DSS as I am sure he knew it was wrong, and also probably irrationally with DP for bringing DSS here and putting my DD through it. I know that sounds ridiculous but it really has upset me and made me more angry than I thought it would. I'm really worried about DSS coming because I'm already thinking about how cross I am with him and don't really want to see him.

AddictedtoGreys Fri 29-Nov-13 11:00:13

forgot to add, I would definitely not let them sleep in the same room together and would supervise their playing until you know you can trust him not to do anything again.

birdybear Fri 29-Nov-13 11:00:54

I wouldn't let the boy back in the house until lots of conversations had taken place between me , mother and dh. This is not normal behaviour. It is very worrying behavior and not to be swept under the carpet because he is family. If any other child had done it police would be called, and i am not sure they shouldn't now.

Putting things in your dd could severely damage her and i would never put my dd in a situation where it could happen again.

NigellasLeftNostril Fri 29-Nov-13 11:03:49

agree with birdybear, I would not have him in the house until there had been a meeting between all involved adults and a separate sleeping space organised.

birdybear Fri 29-Nov-13 11:04:22

You don't sound as cross as i would be!

A small child can sleep on a duvet bed at the side of your bed. If there is room for you to get out of your bed there is room to make a duvet bed. (laying a duvet down instead of a mattress then another over the top to keep warm.) my dss prefers to sleep on one of there than the big double bed when he stays over!

birdybear Fri 29-Nov-13 11:06:14

Also, of Brent you and your dh sitting down with him and talking to him? Telling him it is absolutely unacceptable and if he ever does it again he Will not stay over again.

birdybear Fri 29-Nov-13 11:07:08

Brent? I meant why aren't you

FrauMoose Fri 29-Nov-13 11:07:09

I don't think it is ridiculous to be upset. For me the question might be about the extent to which, in one way or another, your stepson may have been abused. He may have seen inappropriate images/films. He may have heard explicitly sexual talk. He might have witnessed sexual acts. It would not be unusual for children who have been prematurely sexualised in some way, to want to do some of the things that have been done to them.

Faced with this level of denial by your partner and his ex, in your shoes I would feel that I needed to do something. Perhaps notify your stepson's class teacher as to what has happened - as they will then have a duty to inform social services.

WhyDoTheyDoThat Fri 29-Nov-13 11:12:25

His mother thinks it's normal for him to sexually abuse a 3 yr old? Because that's what it is. I think your dp needs to face up to the fact that his son may have been sexually abused. It sounds like he's in denial. If he and his ex refuse to take this seriously I would be contacting ss and I would under no circumstances leave them alone together again. I would also suggest a visit to your gp. If he was putting 'things in her' she may have internal damage.
Sorry you're going through this, very upsetting.

wannaBe Fri 29-Nov-13 11:18:26

I wouldn't be sitting dss down for a talk, I would call the NSPCC for some advice. iirc if any kind of abuse is or could be suspected the advice from professionals generally is not to speak to the child because as a parent it's easy to ask too many leading questions.

Behavior like this isn't normal, yes a level of curiosity is, even "I'll show you mine if you show me yours," but it steps over a line at the point when physical interaction becomes a part of it.

It is possible that he has just been prematurely exposed to sexualised images. A teenage brother with a lad's mag which hasn't been kept hidden or something, but it's also possible that there is more to it, and right now your priority is to your dd.

I would speak to nspcc and I would also speak to your dp and make it clear that your concern is for your dd but that his ds' behaviour is also concerning. If he refused to take that seriously I would have some reservations about a relationship with him tbh, because he should be able to put his child's welfare over and above his denial.

lymiemum Fri 29-Nov-13 11:23:12

i totally understand your concern and you are right.
but i dont think you are being fair on the ss. he is a child. who sounds like he has been exposed to some level of sexual in appropriateness.
your husband also needs to thinks where he may have seen this.

reallyunsure1 Fri 29-Nov-13 11:25:58

Thanks again for the replies.

I am really very upset and cross about it, and that is why I left it to DP to talk to DSS about it. But I see now that that is not sufficient.

The thing is that I know they shouldn't be in the same room and should be watched all the time, but DP doesn't agree. Also, he is his DS so if he and his ex don't want to do anything about it, it's not really down to me is it? I have a say with regards to my DD but can't push them to do anything else about it.

I guess he could sleep on a duvet on the floor but that doesn't seem fair on my DD as how do I then explain to her that he gets to and she doesn't as I'm sure she would love to sleep with us, without going into the details. I don't want her pushed out of her own room either....it's all so hard.

I said to DP that maybe he shouldn't stay until we can move somewhere so he has his own room (although I would still worry about him wandering I think) but that's not possible for a while yet.

I'm beginning to think we may end up splitting up over this which I really don't want as I don't think he thinks it is as big a problem as it is, but I can't put my DD at risk and he won't back down over his DS staying sad

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 29-Nov-13 11:29:40

I think wannaBe is right.

It's very hard to know if what happened is something or nothing.

I remember my friend (who was a bit older than me) showing me his willy behind my Dad's shed when we were of similar ages and it was totally innocent.

The putting of things in the bum seems more weird, but possibly isn't anything to worry about.

I don't think it's really accurate to say that he "sexually abused" your DD. He's a 6 year old boy. Either it was entirely innocent, or there is something untoward going on.

Either way, he's not to blame for this and it's not fair to be cross with him because of it.

lymiemum Fri 29-Nov-13 11:34:08

it is not just up to his parents. it involves your daughter.
and as an adult who has concers over sexual abuse you should contact ss, the school, dr or police.
it may be overkill.
it could be totally innocent.
but if its not then you could be stopping something terrible.

NigellasLeftNostril Fri 29-Nov-13 11:37:20

tbh if a six year old is inserting items into another child, he may have been exposed to the worst kind of porn or worse.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels Fri 29-Nov-13 11:38:39

I agree with wannabe too. You need advice on how to handle this. I also think it would be best to take your DD to your GP to get her checked over too. Your GP might well pass details onto another agency to look into this, so it would be best all round if DSS's parent actually addressed this instead of pretending its normal and doesn't require them to get advice themselves on how to speak to their son about this.

With regards to your DD, I'd recommend this book as I think it's something that will help your DD understand that her body is hers and only certain people can look at her private areas for certain reasons i.e. GP, nurse, you when helping her get washed in the bath etc. It's a very gentle introduction into the idea of keeping your body private. I bought this for my DD when she was 5 and it is very gentle.

FrauMoose Fri 29-Nov-13 11:47:35

I think there's a question about how best to ensure that your daughter isn't hurt again this way.

So if she said she still felt hurt or was having pain when going to the loo, a GP visit would be necessary. But if she wasn't still hurting and there was no evidence of infection, then taking her to the doctors when she didn't feel ill might seem very strange - and a bit scary. On the one hand your saying 'Your body is yours and some parts are private'. On the other your saying, 'Now let the doctor see between your legs.'

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 29-Nov-13 11:47:42

"tbh if a six year old is inserting items into another child, he may have been exposed to the worst kind of porn or worse."

Yeah, possibly.

But there is a big difference between putting a bit of lego between your bum cheeks and sticking something into your anus.

If I walked into a room and my 5yo and 3yo were shining a torch at each others bits I would not be remotely surprised. They love getting naked and showing each other their bums. It's apparently the most hilarious game ever invented.

3 year olds are very small children. It can be easy to get the wrong end of the stick when they are telling you about their day.

This could be really, really serious or it could be nothing. Or anything in between.

But there is a concern, so the thing to do is ask experts. Most people are totally out of their depth when it comes to this kind of stuff. Thankfully.

WhyDoTheyDoThat Fri 29-Nov-13 11:58:14

Maybe police and ss involvement will help your dp understand the seriousness of this situation OP. Is he not in the slightest bit concerned as to why his son would do this? If an adult inserted things into a child it would be called rape. It sounds like his ds needs protecting too from whatever he's being exposed to. Systematic abuse of children only happens because adults ignore it. His attitude would be a deal breaker for me.

picnicbasketcase Fri 29-Nov-13 12:05:56

I would say that there's a difference between two children of the same age indulging in 'natural curiosity' where both parties are equally curious and have decided to do so. When one is older than the other and the younger one is not comfortable and doesn't understand what is happening, it's a different matter. I'm not exactly agreeing with hysteria and shouting 'abuse' but this particular situation would worry me too.

wannaBe Fri 29-Nov-13 12:17:26

ok this is all getting a bit hysterical. saying the dd was sexually abused and saying that if an adult did xxx it would be called rape etc with calls for the op to go to the police and ss.

This might be something serious but equally it might not. But there is middle ground between brushing it under the carpet and rushing to report to the police, and that middle ground is seeking advice and guidance from professionals such as the NSPCC who are trained and equipped to deal with these kinds of situations in ways that the likes of us are not.

At the end of the day, this is a six year old child whose inappropriate behaviour needs to be addressed, either because it is highly inappropriate or because he has been exposed to inappropriateness himself and needs some help. He is not an abuser he is a six year old child.

Seek some advice from nspcc. Don't just ignore it because if he is being abused then he needs some help. But equally don't just rush to the authorities because if it is just innocent curiosity (and it still could be, just because we say it's not normal doesn't mean that some curiosity isn't more developed than others) then by going to the authorities a family could have its world turned upside down and the damage could be irrevocable (sp?) and yes, I think that an unfounded allegation of sexual abuse against a child is something that a family isn't likely to get over soon, even if there was no fault.

And going to the police/ss is no way to force the dp into realising how serious this is. Perhaps though the op could say to her dp that in different circumstances, someone else could decide this was serious and go to the police, so he does need to take it seriously.

I think actually the priority is the six year old rather than the op's dd. They were playing, she didn't seem traumatised, the op knows it's a concern and can keep ihersafe from now on. The priority here IMO is the six year old child who may
or may not be either a victim or exposed to something he shouldn't, or at the very least need to be made aware his behaviour is inappropriate.

lunar1 Fri 29-Nov-13 12:27:52

I think for a start you need to manage the two children separately. You should take your dd to the drs, if you really think he has put something inside her, this needs checking out right away.

You cannot ban dss from your home. There is the possibility he has been abused, I would be very worried about where he has got these ideas from.

You could sleep with you dd and dh can sleep with his ds. Why is it not an option to have dd with you for one night and put ds in her room? Or you could send dd to her dads when dss is staying.

It's fine to be angry and I completely understand but for all you know your dss may be getting abused, if I were your dh I would be terrified and want my sone living with me till I knew why this had happened. How would you feel if dh wanted to ban your dd from the house until it was sorted?

JoinYourPlayfellows Fri 29-Nov-13 12:46:32

"The priority here IMO is the six year old child who may or may not be either a victim or exposed to something he shouldn't"

Yy to this.

The thing to make your DP realise is that his son's behaviour MIGHT be a sign of abuse.

And the way to do that is not to accuse a little boy of sexual abuse and bring the police into his home.

theoriginalandbestrookie Fri 29-Nov-13 12:46:34

When DS was 5 I found that he and his friend had taken pictures of each others bits on DS's kiddy camera. I was a bit shocked, but spoke to some friends and it is natural for them to be interested in their bodies and those of others.

It's very hard to say if this is part of natural exploration or something more sinister.I agree with wannabe - talking to the nspcc is a great start. They definitely shouldn't share a room any more - do whatever you have to, don't worry about it being a short term solution, just do whatever works for now.

It is natural that you want to protect your DD, but DSS is only 6 so it's not appropriate to be angry at him.

Hope you get it sorted out.

FrauMoose Fri 29-Nov-13 14:57:24

This link might be useful. http://www.parentsprotect.co.uk/warning_signs.htm

ZombieMojaveWonderer Fri 29-Nov-13 16:38:58

That is sexual abuse and they should certainly not be sharing a room and certainly not left alone. Showing ones bits is completing different to crossing the line and actually inserting things in their privates. If that's the way your partner thinks then it would be a deal breaker for me I'm afraid.

ZombieMojaveWonderer Fri 29-Nov-13 16:42:31

I would just also like to say that the boy would no longer be welcome in my house! You have every right op to refuse to have him anywhere near you and your dd. Your partner will have to make other arrangements. His mother is obviously as deluded as your partner.

Only1scoop Fri 29-Nov-13 16:44:36

Op my dd is same age and I wouldn't want dss anywhere near her to be honest. I think it is being taken to light by Dh and his ex. I would be horrified.

Only1scoop Fri 29-Nov-13 16:45:52

Dss mum your Dp ex thinks this is natural.... Blimey hmm

wannaBe Fri 29-Nov-13 17:04:47

"That is sexual abuse" no, it isn't. It is deeply inappropriate but this is a six year old child who has no notion of the idea of "sexual abuse." People are applying adult terminology to something which has happened between two children. It's very easy for people to sit here and say that at six he should know right from wrong but fact is that if he has (worst case scenario) been abused then he has no notion that it's wrong, and (best case scenario) seen this kind of thing in a film/book/walked in on a parent then why would he consider it to be wrong? If his parents are not of a mind to talk to him about it then why would he know it was wrong? Children learn right from wrong by the way they are brought up, and at six he is still learning.
"I would just also like to say that the boy would no longer be welcome in my house!" I wonder, if any of your children were sexually abused (and it could happen to any of our children,) and that manifested in them acting out that abuse somewhere, how would you feel if they were ostrosised for it? This is a six year old child we are talking about, a child who could potentially have been abused himself, and people think that it's ok to talk like this? He deserves compassion and understanding not ridicule. Have a word with yourself.

reallyunsure1 Fri 29-Nov-13 17:08:33

Well I spoke to DP while he was at work and said I wanted to talk about it all tonight to discuss what was happening before DSS arrives tomorrow, and he said he thought it was all dealt with....hmm I said it wasn't to me and we would talk about it tonight when DD has gone to bed and he started having a go at me on the phone telling me to talk about it now and what the problem still was and that I am over reacting.

It seems from the replies on here that some people do think I am over reacting but some don't, and I said to him that it doesn't matter to anyone else if they think I am, but my job is to protect DD. He flipped out and said he has spoken to DSS and he is 100% sure it won't happen again and knows it was wrong and there is nothing to worry about. I said that surely he didn't see this happening in the first place and even if this exact thing doesn't happen again then something as bad or worse could happen. I'm already cross with myself for putting DD in this situation and will not do it again.

DD hasn't mentioned that she is uncomfortable or in pain since the incident, but has mentioned it whenever DSS's name is mentioned and said something about it to my Mum during the week when I wasn't there. Based on this I don't think she needs to see the GP, but I have and will continue to keep an eye on her.

I realize I am probably not being fair on DSS, but I think my natural instinct to protect DD took over. DP hasn't really mentioned the effects on DD and seems to be doing the same and thinking of his DS, and I suppose that is right, but I can't help but think that he knows it was wrong and still did it anyway.

I am pretty sure DSS is not being abused in some way, and think it is most likely that he heard something, or saw a film/magazine he shouldn't have done. DP said he was never keen on his ex's "lax" style of parenting, but it seems that he is not that different since we have been together.

Us all living together is quite recent, and due to an unfortunate judgment made by DP, he has moved in with me and DD, so I feel even more that they have come in and disrupted our little bubble. I knew there would be bumps along the road but really never expected anything like this sad

I think I will try and talk to him again tonight and explain about the NSPCC and other helpful things people have kindly said and see what he says, but sadly I don't think it will end well. I don't want to force him to do something he doesn't want to do, but to me it seems he is trying to force me to brush it aside and carry on when I am not happy about it.

Many many thanks for your help.

gamerchick Fri 29-Nov-13 17:16:00

Ring the boys school up and tell the head what's happened.. let them take things at that end. He's 6 I couldn't ignore that.

Your priority is your little girl.. If he's not ready to discuss things properly and take you seriously then maybe he should stay somewhere else for the weekend. I really wouldn't have the bairn stay over.. you'll really stress and will struggle with it. sad

Only1scoop Fri 29-Nov-13 17:17:45

Op really feel for you....It clearly doesn't sit right with you (wouldnt with me either) and your Dp shouldn't be making out 'its all fine' when clearly it isn't to you.
Sounds like your family dynamic has recently changed with him moving in. All takes adjustment in itself without added worry. Good luck x

wannaBe Fri 29-Nov-13 17:49:02

tbh op I don't think you're overreacting but I do think some on the thread are with their talk of rape and abuse and such. i'ts very emotive language to ascribe to such a young child.

It's possible that your dss has just watched/seen something inappropriate but you're not qualified to know that for certain, which is why this needs to be dealt with sensitively.

And your dp needs to be made to realise that addressing the issue now is the best way forward, because if there is an issue, and it becomes apparent say, at school, then ss will be informed whether he likes that or not and then he will have no control over the situation.

This isn't something you can walk away from any more. Because if something else were to happen and the authorities were to be informed by the school or ss then you would all be investigated, you included, and that will also have implications for your dd. You owe it to this child to try and address the issue.

It's not for anyone to think that he isn't being abused - you can't possibly know.

MatryoshkaDoll Sat 30-Nov-13 14:41:22

I wouldn't class this as 'abuse' per se. But it sounds like a line has definitely been crossed and I don't think you can dismiss this as harmless curiosity either.

I wouldn't be happy for the boy to stay over any more - especially not in DD's room. He's older than her and it sounds like he's the instigator of these 'games', not a case of both children being silly and showing each other their bits.

It's understandable that your DP wants to be an ostrich about it. But I would keep pressing the point OP.

RunnerHasbeen Sat 30-Nov-13 14:49:53

Can you sleep in a camp bed in your DD's room and put DSS in with his dad?

tracypenisbeaker Sat 30-Nov-13 14:54:38

wannaBe absolutely spot on- this child needs to be supported- not be called a child abuser when he is a vulnerable child himself. It is likely he picked these behaviours up from somewhere.

Obviously you want to protect your DD, OP, but remember you don't need to treat the other child like a monster to do so.

AmberLeaf Sat 30-Nov-13 15:06:18

Is your DD your husbands DD too?

Looking out of curiosity happens, but the 'putting things in her bum' is worrying, I think your husband is in denial which is understandable to an extent.

I would be worried that this little boy has either been abused himself or exposed to porn/seen sex happening. Either way, it is not something that should be ignored.

I wouldn't be putting them to sleep in the same room.

This really can't be ignored.

Jacobscracker1234 Sat 30-Nov-13 15:38:02

I've read the whole thread and name changed as I'm in an almost identical situation.

I live with my partner, and have DD(6) and DS(4) from previous relationship.

This week I caught them messing around with kiddizoom camera. There were pictures of both of them - naked and generally close up anatomy!

I was really shocked. They share a room, and a bath. However - we took a breath and talked to them about it. We explained that their bodies are private, and in the wrong hands those photos could get mummy (and especially step dad) into trouble. We discussed stranger danger etc etc

If nothing else it showed my that my 6yo is actually really naive. She's academically bright but we credit her with too much common sense. There was nothing sexual about the photos; they genuinely thought they were hilarious. I heard them also giggling about carrot sticks in bums at bath time.

I am keeping a close eye on the situation but there was a wide eyed innocence about the hole thing which made me try and be rational.

Kaluki Mon 02-Dec-13 12:36:20

You are right. Your DH is burying his head in the sand, which of course is up to him, but your priority is your DD and she shouldn’t be left alone with DSS again until this has been dealt with.
You have seen the reactions on this thread – imagine if your DD tells another adult about this in all innocence and they react that way and call SS or the police?
In your position I know I would not let DSS stay over or even visit. As a mother of sons if either of my boys had behaved this way at 6 I would want to know what they had seen or worse experienced which made them think of doing such a thing.
Your DP should have him somewhere else until this is sorted. Could he take him to his parents ? His blatant disregard of your DDs wellbeing in favour of his own son would probably make me rethink the whole relationship tbh.

SeptemberFlowers Wed 04-Dec-13 13:22:15

I totally think you are doing the 110% right thing, I too in that situation wouldn't be having the boy back to stay.

Your job is to protect your DD and that is what you are doing, I too wouldn't call it abuse per se, even if it is normal curiosity, your DP's brush it under the carpet mentality, I couldn't deal with. You're left with an uncomfortable feeling regarding this whole scenario and I would be following it up the best way I could to protect my own child and would have a bit implication on the relationship as well I'm afraid.

Yes the DSS probably needs support/a chat/whatever, but that's your DP's job. I wouldn't have him back in the house either.

tinkertaylor1 Sun 08-Dec-13 21:35:08

What a terrible situation,. If that was one of my dds I would be sick with upset/worry.

Is your dd your DP daughter? This needs looking in to. Just because DP has said he has dealt with it, you havnt! Your main concern is your dd. I'm sorry, I know he is a child but if he had stuck something up my dds bottom and hurt her, he wouldn't be coming back in the house.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 28-Mar-14 01:35:52

Bump for Elle

Gettingmeback Fri 28-Mar-14 05:51:40

You're not overreacting. You are being a protective parent. You don't take any risks where your DCs safety is concerned. And i would see this as a situation of high risk, not low. I think I would leave over this. Not the behaviour per se because it is manageable, it would be DHs approach that I would find a deal breaker. The DC currently need a very high level of supervision and shouldn't be sleeping in the same room, however, if you DH doesn't agree then he will not provide the level of supervision required. I would find that untenable. And in my experience with this issue, you won't convince him of the seriousness if he doesn't already get it.

Russianfudge Sat 29-Mar-14 07:00:51

Yes it does need further discussion and dealing with until you are comfortable because at this rate, you won't be able to leave your DH in charge of the children and know that your wishes to keep them desperate will be honoured.

I think both children are in need of support here. Don't minimise what has happened, tell your DH if it's all innocent then what's the harm in speaking to NSPCC as they are the professionals and therefore will say as much.

With the ages of dsss siblings there will be heaps of friends coming through his house and any one of them could have abused him, sadly even his siblings or mum's boyfriend. The fact mum isn't that bothered either means she is certain nothing has happened to him or she's covering up. Do you know and trust her enough to believe it's the former?

sandgrown Sat 29-Mar-14 23:40:19

Really don't like the insinuation on this thread that because a child has older siblings they may see inappropriate things and reflect this in their behaviour. My children are more protective of their young brother than I am. I suggest OP monitors DSS behaviour and reads some good child development psychology books that explain sexual curiosity. I understand her concern but some of the suggestions on this thread would result in a devastating effect on DSS relationship with his dad and sister and could mean his mother stops contact. Take advice from NSPCC before taking any drastic action please.

brdgrl Sun 30-Mar-14 02:10:38

Oh, OP, how upsetting.
Do take advice from NSPCC.
This is potentially a very serious situation, beyond conversations and reading of books.

And both children need protection here. In the case of your DD, that protection means making absolutely sure that she is not alone with DSS until such time as you can feel that she is safe.

Remember - Whatever DSS's reasons for doing this, he has done it. It is up to his parents, and you can be supportive in this, to find out what it means for him and where to take that next. Your own first concern has to be for your DD.

Where the resident, more vulnerable by age, child in a home has been hurt and there is a prospect of on-going harm, it is appropriate for the safety of her home environment to be the priority. If this means that DH and DSS do end up having to have contact away from the home, whether for a short time or longer, that is unfortunate but necessary.

alita7 Mon 31-Mar-14 23:35:59

You are certainly not over reacting you need to protect both of the children.

He may be being abused or have seen inappropriate films etc, so if the mother won't look into it you need to chat to him and see if he'll tell you where he got the idea to do that- looking could be seen as normalish, putting things in is not!
I'm not sure what to advise you to do if you think he is being abused though.

Your daughter is clearly impacted by this if she has mentioned it since and so it must not happen again, it could have all sorts of affects on her future. Have her sleep in with you while he is there, your dp can go sleep on the sofa if he has an issue, if it comes to it show him you mean it by taking her to your mums or a friends for a night.

You might not have control over whether your dp dss play upstairs but you can keep your daughter downstairs where you can see her, he cannot stop you doing that.

If he can't understand the gravity of the situation then you must ignore what he says and do what you can to protect her.

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