new husband has had enough of my dsuhhter

(54 Posts)
wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:08:04

I have been with my husband for 6 years, my daughters are 18 and 16,
The girls are argiin one minit and cuddling tbe next.
My 18 yesr old is very strong minded and she has began to get under my husbands skin.
He told me me he wants nothing more to do with her.
I have told him that we come as a package and if he doesnt want anything to do with her then im off, this was last week and we havnt said one word to each other since,
Any advice!! Am I in the wrong?

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:09:31

*daughter

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 07-Oct-13 20:09:51

He said this after 6 years?!

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:09:52

*daughter

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:10:59

Yes!! As she has got older he got more annoyed with her sad

PareyMortas Mon 07-Oct-13 20:13:44

I'm 45 and have a terrible relationship with my mother, she always put her boyfriend(s) before me. I know what I'd do.

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:15:49

If he loved me as much as he sais he does he wouldnt be putting me in this situation sad

MorrisZapp Mon 07-Oct-13 20:17:33

Is she annoying?

TigerBabyyy Mon 07-Oct-13 20:18:10

When your children are adults, you dont come as a package.

If he doesnt want anything to do with her, then just see your dd without him there.

allnewtaketwo Mon 07-Oct-13 20:18:11

You haven't given much detail, what is it about her behaviour that he's having trouble with? When you say 'strong minded' that suggests to me a bit more?

Tell him where to get off.

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:20:31

I think its because shes 18 and he thinks she should be doing more, shes in college and she works, when my two daughters argue he goes mad and blamea the elder ine, he has a real downer on her which makes me sad sad

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Mon 07-Oct-13 20:22:24

Tiger, I think they all live together.

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:24:34

My dd lives with us.
She leaves her bedrom in a mess, brings people home without asking, stays out all night, doesnt do any house work...argues with her sister,
She doesnt really think anoit other people, but its hard cos she is still
My dd

TigerBabyyy Mon 07-Oct-13 20:25:43

I ve just realised that from the ops last post.

Could you talk to your dd and set some rules that suits everyone to make things at home abit better?

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:26:22

*about other people

When I wtite all that down it does sound bad doesnt it?

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 07-Oct-13 20:26:46

Sounds difficult - I have lots of questions!

Is your adult DD still living at home as a dependent? Are there house rules (such as no smoking etc) that you and your DP have agreed between you? Do your DDs stick to them? Do you DDs contribute to the running of the home? How do they speak to your DP - are they respectful or rude?

What about him? If he's capable of blanking you for a whole week, then I'm guessing he's not brilliant at discussing things in an adult manner? Is he rude to them? Yell? Has he disengaged or has he played a role in their upbringing? Do you share parenting values?

Do your DDs dislike him? do they have any reason to?

TigerBabyyy Mon 07-Oct-13 20:28:06

Alot of 18 year olds are like this.

Self centred pain in the arses! grin

Definitely some house rules needed here.

Anyone that doesn't stick to them can find themselves somewhere else to live.

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:29:03

Tried the rules, but I tell het off but its not good enough for dh he wants me to hit the roof and be on her back 24/7 which just results in me getting very stressed and upset.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 07-Oct-13 20:30:02

X-post; yes, it does.

If you are happy for your DD to behave like that then great, but it's a big ask for your DH to put up with it as well.

I'm guessing you don't discipline effectively? That you overlook your DDs behaviour and defend her? Are you a DisneyMum?

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 07-Oct-13 20:33:49

Tried the rules, but I tell het off but its not good enough for dh he wants me to hit the roof and be on her back 24/7 which just results in me getting very stressed and upset.

It's called parenting.

If your DDs know that if they ignore you, you'll eventually give up/get upset/stressed then of course you won't get anywhere.

Decide on rules, agree consequences for not following them and see it through no matter how tough it is. Or alternatively, lose your DH and be treated like this by your DDs for a good few years yet.

needaholidaynow Mon 07-Oct-13 20:33:51

What Tiger said really. Now your daughter is an adult ou don't necessarily come as a package anymore. She's 18 not 8.

I see my mum on her own now I'm an adult, without her partner there. But whilst I was growing up I had to see him as well as her when I went to their house. Now I can time when I can avoid the people I don't like! smile

TigerBabyyy Mon 07-Oct-13 20:34:02

Well your not a disney mum are you china? grin

If you have tried the rules, then maybe they should live somewhere else for a while if they cannnot respect your house.

She is an adult now, you need to treat her like one

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:34:46

Dd is still living st home as a dependent, she doesnt smoke in the house,I have notes everywere reminding them of normal house rules,
She doesnt contribute,
She is respectfull to dh and he is disrespectful back, he just wsnts nothing to do with her,
The girls like him and he has been a good step dad until very recently.
We cant discuss it like adults as he can't see my side.

Thanx for all ur comments smile

allnewtaketwo Mon 07-Oct-13 20:34:50

"She leaves her bedrom in a mess, brings people home without asking, stays out all night, doesnt do any house work."

Hmm, I can see his point tbh. Her behaviour and contribution to the household, his home, sounds atrocious. If all you do is "tell her off" and it makes no difference, I really can see why he'd expect you to be "hitting the roof". At 18, living with your parents is not a right, she cannot behave line a stroppy spoiled lazy teenager any more. Well she can of course, but your DP is clearly not, understandably, prepared to live with her under this situation.

MissStrawberry Mon 07-Oct-13 20:36:49

Ask him why he wants you to hit the roof and be on her back. He sounds like he has no clue what 18 year olds are like and is throwing his toys out of the pram. Would he be like it if the child was his biologically?

Have you talked to your DD about why she has changed (if she has) and if there is a problem with your husband. Which came first - her annoying behaviour that has pissed him off or has she changed because he has started being off with her?

allnewtaketwo Mon 07-Oct-13 20:37:19

"She is respectfull to dh"

""She leaves her bedrom in a mess, brings people home without asking, stays out all night, doesnt do any house work."

Sorry, but these statements cannot both be true. If the 2nd is true, then the first certainly isn't

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:38:01

Whats a disney mum?

Viviennemary Mon 07-Oct-13 20:40:10

Children can annoy their own parents not just step-parents and drive them to the very end of their tether. Is your DD very annoying. If she is she should change her behaviour. People need to learn to live together. There are no easy answers.

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:40:14

Respectful in the way she talks to him , but obviously not in her actions

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 07-Oct-13 20:40:46

Ask him why he wants you to hit the roof and be on her back

Um, I imagine its because she brings people into his home without asking, and doesn't contribute to the household?

I doubt her staying out all night bothers him the way it bothers the OP; I'd be hoping she wasn't coming back if I were him!

allnewtaketwo Mon 07-Oct-13 20:41:11

And as they say, actions speak louder than words

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 07-Oct-13 20:44:42

wendy If you are worried about what your DCs think of you, and behave in a way that you hope will keep them on-side and your friend then you are in DisneyMum territory.
If you fail to follow through on consequences, and indulge your DCs with your time and money while at the same time avoiding unpleasant aspects of parenting then you're more or less there.
Do you defend your DDs poor behaviour?

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:45:06

I just hate being stuck in the middle,
She got annoying before he started to get p****d off with her miss strawberry

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 07-Oct-13 20:46:50

His anger is directed at the wrong person. you are the person who has failed to address your DDs behaviour - and you may lose your marriage as a result.

allnewtaketwo Mon 07-Oct-13 20:48:49

It really does come across that your only problem is with your DP's annoyance with her behaviour, rather than you yourself finding her behaviour unacceptable. I imagine this makes the situation even more unpalatable for your DP. For example in your first post you just say "string minded" whereas when pushed, it's clear it's much more than this. It sounds like you're really not prepared to set boundaries and stick to them.

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:49:41

I do discipline her, and I defend her if I think he is being unreasonable,

I think reading these comments I have a lot of thinkimg to do sad

MissStrawberry Mon 07-Oct-13 20:51:10

This man has been n the OP's life for over 6 years. Has he been living with you since you were married?

balia Mon 07-Oct-13 20:54:38

I do discipline her, and I defend her

Then you are putting yourself in the middle! You both need to sit down and work out what is acceptable, and then decide what you are going to do to enforce your new, joint rules. And read a few threads on here about the incredible frustration and resentment caused when a step-parent is put in a position of being expected to play a parental role, but then undermined by the 'real' parent when trying to actually do it!

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 20:55:12

Sorry whats op?

bundaberg Mon 07-Oct-13 21:06:18

I don't think that being on her back 24/7 is going to be productive. you can't physically force her to do things like clean her room... so nagging and telling her off constantly isn't going to help. which i presume is why the OP chooses not to.
she could be on at her constantly. but all that would do would anger the daughter, nothing would resolve and tension in the house would run even higher.

that said, there are things that can and should be changed... things like bringing people round without asking. That's rude. She lives in your house and even if you are ok with it your husband isn't. You need to make it a rule that she asks, or at least gives you adequate warning first and that she knows if you say no, then it doesn't happen.
It can't be nice not having your home to yourself... not knowing if you're going to get home to a roomful of teenage strangers!

I think it would be a good idea if you had a kind of family meeting. where everyone gets to have their say, and a set of rules are drawn up... that will mean also deciding on what happens if rules are broken.

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 21:13:10

Yes I think we all need to sit down and discuss it,
Time for me to realise shes 18 and an adult.
I should of said earlier that she doesnt go to her biological fathers house
As she doesnt get on with step mum,
And her father never ever disciplines her.

allnewtaketwo Mon 07-Oct-13 21:15:43

"As she doesnt get on with step mum,
And her father never ever disciplines her"

It's possible those 2 facts are connected

Petal02 Mon 07-Oct-13 21:46:32

It must be like you and your daughter versus your husband. No wonder he's fed up, powerless to have any control over what goes on in his home. I never realised Disney Mums existed til now.

How my DH put up with the crap my adult son used to throw at him is beyond me. I was soft at times parenting DS and when I sat and listened to DH's concerns - who were echoing a close friend's concerns - I realised I had to pull up my socks and get on with the job of setting boundaries and enforcing those boundaries - and to stop trying to overcompensate and be his friend.

I did, he hated not being in control so moved out! Now, we all get on lovely.

Your daughter is a young adult, she must be responsible for her own space, her own behaviour and her contribution to the household - none of which is down to you. If she didn't do it at your home she would have to do it somewhere else.

If you allow this to ruin your marriage you will regret it in the long run, especially if your husband's concerns are justified.

wendyjayne Mon 07-Oct-13 21:56:03

im not a disney mum!!!

Petal02 Mon 07-Oct-13 22:24:11

Wendy, for 7 years my husband parented (I use that term loosely) his son in the same way you parent your daughter. It was all about keeping his son sweet/on-side etc at all costs. He wanted to be his best mate, and the two of them could be a pretty toxic double-act, and I was outnumbered, rather like your DH. The phrase "we come as a package" is not a mandate for letting a child/young adult get away with poor behaviour. I've been where your DH is now, and it's pretty soul destroying.

WaitMonkey Tue 08-Oct-13 09:12:40

Op, I agree with everyone else . It's time to stand up to your dd and set some rules. Your dh obviously doesn't hate your daughter, he's been around for a long time, he is just fed up of her taking advantage.

Petal, how are things with your dss, I've been wondering about you. Has he gone to uni yet ? <sorry for hijack>.

Petal02 Tue 08-Oct-13 14:11:31

Waitmonkey - DSS is now at Uni, and appears to be enjoying himself smile.

louby44 Tue 08-Oct-13 19:15:25

You've only been married for 6 years, surely you want to work together to resolve this? Before you know it your 16 year old will be 18 and your 18 yr old 20 and they may be gone.

Or is there some other issue? Is your marriage not good?

If he's been a good step-dad and the DD have previously liked him why has he changed his attitude?

wendyjayne Tue 08-Oct-13 20:34:32

marriage is good except for divide on thr kids.

hardly sleot last night, all these comments gojng round in my head, I know i have to change with my dd but dont know to lwt go!!

wendyjayne Tue 08-Oct-13 20:35:23

*how

wendyjayne Tue 08-Oct-13 20:41:28

Sorry about typing, need new glasses sad

Maggie40 Mon 21-Oct-13 23:10:13

Wendyjane i share your despair. I'm have a daughter 17 years old, goes to college, does her chores (without any arguments), and helps out when needed. In her spare time she spends it with her b/f. She's always home before her curfew. Yet her step-dad accuses her of being disrepectful and using the house like a hotel. He has admitted he doesn't want her in the house and there is nothing she can do that would please him.
My daughter and I are very close but i can't help but feel like piggy in the middle.

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