Cannot deal with the EX.

(29 Posts)
Olivia1971 Sat 28-Sep-13 17:42:47

I'm just looking for some advice. I have been with OH 8 years, (not the OW or even close to it, he had three relationships since the split with the ex, before me, thought I'd include that due to the recent fixation on this site with whether you are the OW or not lol) and he has two DD from his ex. We have 3 kids together, our DD being one week old.

His ex, to put it short was/is a nightmare. I have had to completely disengage from the situation, and leave OH to parent his DDs with no input from me.

This has been the situation for years. It is not something that was done easily, but there is a fair bit of a back story here. His ex was horrified he had married me when he hadn't married her, (mainly down to her dropping her pants for everybody but her partner), and mortified when we had our eldest DC. His DDs were made to feel very welcome by me, not pushed out when DC1 arrived, in fact I think there was a fair bit of overcompensation tbh. One day when DC1 was around 12 months old, his eldest DD walked into the house, into the living room, and slapped DC1 round the fact so hard she fell over and one side of her face swelled up. When asked why she had done that, she answered 'Mummy said to, I can do what I like here and neither of you can tell me off.' When the EX was confronted she laughed, 'what happens here is your problem.' I was infuriated by OH Disney style parenting approach to this, and the situation got worse.

A lot happened in the six months that led to the clincher, but when DC1 was around 18 months, the ex and my oh were arguing on my front door step. I never got involved with the arguments, I supported OH when his daughters were here, but contact arrangements, maintenance, parenting issues, any discussions were between him and the ex. I was very careful to respect boundaries and try to keep the peace. I suppose by this point I was already starting to disengage, and quite frankly was exhausted with my own child and working and housework etc. The row was over OH being unable to have the girls on her weekend as we had a wedding to go to (OHs family). They had been invited to the wedding but the ex had said no they weren't going. The meal was a sit down meal, and this was the night before the wedding, far to late to arrange anything, and the family member was close enough for it to be impossible for us not to go. The night before, she had been invited on a last minute girls night out, and wanted us to have them. OH after pleading with her for them to go and repeatedly being told no, said he couldn't. She threw a fit, effing this, effing that, smashed up my front porch, my front garden and the wing mirrors on my car. I came to the door with our LO in my arms and told him to shut the door, its not good for our LO to hear this (DSD were at home), and to talk about it when its calmed down. She turned and said 'You think you're so fucking perfect' and punched me straight in the face, which sent me flying with my LO in my arms. Luckily no one was hurt, (apart from a black eye the next day). OH shut the door, we phoned the police. She was arrested for criminal damage and assault, but after OH begged me not to press charges, and paid for the damage to my car I dropped it. I was quite annoyed at how he didn't seem to think she deserved consequences for her behaviour, but left it.

I did however make it clear I did not want this woman at our home again. He was to drop off/pick up or handover somewhere else not near our home. I even moved. I told him the practicalities of this were his problem, and that I wouldn't have our LO effected. The ex said If she couldn't see where they were, they couldn't go. So contact has been for years at his Mums house. All weekend every other week, and one night after school. He stops at his mums. His girls have been banned from any contact with our LOs, me, or our home, to the point they have never met our other kids. I have left it, for different reasons, mainly too tired for this to carry on and don't want to keep arguing with OH over it. I also think this is an issue for OH to deal with, and would have had no problem with my LOs going with him, but the ex is having an eppie fit at this. Their contact time with Dad is not in any way allowed to be shared.

Recently, the eldest has been making noises about not wanting to stay at her nans, and come to her dads home. She wants our kids to go to her nans, and her and her sister stay by themselves. That for a start isn't going to happen. I don't know how I feel about having them back in my life anyway, and around my LOs. Especially as the ex has also stated she will doing drop offs/pick ups, will want to look around our house and make sure all plans for the weekend are run past her. I am thinking balls to that, and if this grief is going to start again, id rather just walk. I feel horrible, but I wonder if I have the strength to deal with this, and worry about what could happen to my LOs.

What do I do?

RandomMess Sat 28-Sep-13 17:47:17

How old are your DSDs?

Olivia1971 Sat 28-Sep-13 17:52:18

Now 10 and 13 x

RandomMess Sat 28-Sep-13 17:55:47

Well they are old enough to have an opinion on whether they want to see their Dad.

I think it is something your DH and you have to sort out between you. Personally I would expect him to put his foot down and say that he will take the girls to his Mums once per week and the weekends are at your home. The ex has no right to demand to see the house or stipulate who is there or not.

If ex won't agree personally I'd go to court because it isn't healthy that your dsds have so much power seemingly to dictate when and how they see their Dad.

BruthasTortoise Sat 28-Sep-13 18:07:05

Fuck that for a game of soliders, OP, and if your DH agrees to it, leave him. And I don't say that lightly.

RandomMess Sat 28-Sep-13 18:09:23

Bruthas that is what I think too, it's ludicrous. I don't think I could have stayed after his lack of support over the punching incident and the ridiculousness of having them at his Mums in the first place.

Olivia1971 Sat 28-Sep-13 18:09:46

I'm so run down by it all. I have tried my best to be flexible and reasonable, but its getting a nightmare. His daughters have no interest in meeting their siblings, and have told my OH and MIL quite openly that they hate them and me. They don't want to be at MILs as she seems to have more success in curbing OH Disney parenting, and they think if OH was on his own at our house they would get their own way more. Plus MIL has made no secret that she thinks my LOs and me being excluded is stupid, and he needs to stand up to the ex. I have been a bit of a coward and not said anything, as I cant stand the rows and tbh have enjoyed not having any of the drama step parenting brings. That makes me feel awful but im being honest. However his daughters have made it clear if they were to come to our house, they do not want me or LOs there. I am simply not prepared to have to vacate my home every weekend on the whim of a 13 year old, I don't think its fair. Even though OH is making noises about how I could make more of an effort to stay at my Mums, let her see LOs etc, think I smell a motive.

Sorry, no way would I stay in this sort of relationship. His dd hits your child so bad their face swells up?! And his ex punches you in the face? And he did nothing? I would have been gone in the first instance, they sound like nightmares.

Even the fact that this has been suggested would make my blood boil. Don't get your kids mixed up in this, you deserve better, much better my dear.

RandomMess Sat 28-Sep-13 18:16:02

At 13 she won't be wanting to spend EOW with her Dad anyway it all comes about spending time with friends IMO - is he prepared to chuck in his marriage to you over it?

Olivia1971 Sat 28-Sep-13 18:22:06

In fairness to him, after the punching incident he was apologetic and felt awful. However, when the ex was arrested, she contacted OH and made it clear if charges were pressed, he would never see his DD again, and neither would his family. Her family are well known for being quite criminal, (her brother is inside for armed robbery, the rest are in and out of prison for various violent offences) and she also threatened that she would make our lives unbearable, I didn't disbelieve her. He paid for the damage, my black eye soon faded, but at that point I completely disengaged, and made it clear she wasn't to come over. His DD were welcome but she wasn't. I didn't care what he had to do to make that happen.

As for his DD, she was spoken to and disciplined (after a fashion and not the way myself and MIL said she should have been). I also refused to leave her alone with my LO for any length of time, which caused rows. If I left a room, she came with me. MIL was fantastic at backing me up, and went crazy at OH saying he needs to back me up. His DD hasn't done it since, but I still worry.

OH is terrified at being labelled a 'deadbeat dad' and feels guilty he isn't there full time. I do love my OH and want my LOs to have a proper family, but I am starting to think he doesn't have any respect for me. Plus I think if they were to come into my life again, what hell would they bring with them? At least this way if there is to be contact between them and LOs I would be around, and not worried sick about what was happening. Again feel awful saying it but its how I feel x

TigerBabyyy Sat 28-Sep-13 18:22:59

OH MY GOD!!!!!!

Your op made my blood boil!

Seriously just leave

TigerBabyyy Sat 28-Sep-13 18:28:23

I dont condone violence but i really want to rip your husband apart and that stupid woman.

Im sat here with steam coming out my ears!

Please do not put up with this please. They are all disgusting human beings.

needaholidaynow Sat 28-Sep-13 18:37:10

Olivia I feel so so so so sad and angry for you and your children. sad

I think you should tell him to leave and take his kids with him. You 4 have put up with too much shit for too long.

Olivia1971 Sat 28-Sep-13 18:39:06

I've gone past angry and im just tired with the situation. I'm tired of arguing that my kids losing their dad every other weekend when he is at work all week so not really seeing them is wrong. My DD is a week old, ive been out of hospital three days as it was a c section, and he is currently at his mums with his DDs. I explained I need help, and MIL has been popping in to help out, and from all accounts tearing strips off my OH. He has text me to say he feels torn, he wants to be here, loves me, im his world blah blah but he doesn't want to let his DD which is what the eldest has said he would do if he wasn't there this weekend. Feel a low priority. Im considering texting him and asking him not to come home. Just feel low. MIL keeps telling me not to let them win, me leaving is what they want, don't give up on my marriage, but to be honest I don't think I have fight left. Im sick of being made to feel im standing in the way of two little girls having a daddy x

Olivia, sorry there's really no discussion to have here, you have two choices, put up with this horrific behaviour and allow your dcs to be dragged (and they will at some point) or leave.

GemmaTeller Sat 28-Sep-13 18:43:45

As a fellow step mother I am horrified that your DH has not stepped in more and stood up for you, to even think about suggesting that you stay somewhere else for whole weekends at a time while he has his DDs is ridiculous.

Don't do it.

I also would not have dropped the charges against her and am shock that your DH talked you into it, regardless of what his ex was threatening.

I made it quite plain at the beginning that DH's ex did not dictate what was happening in my house on his contact weekends (Gemma has to do this, Gemma should do that, Gemma has to buy you this that and the other, Gemma needs to book this week off work to have DSD...errr no I don't, and I'm definately not now).

I think you need to think seriously about your marriage because at the moment the ex and the DDs are going the right way to ruin it.

Olivia1971 Sat 28-Sep-13 18:48:50

The one major thing stopping me, is that if I leave, and his DD decide they want to see my children, im terrified about what will happen. I'm scared my children would be hurt, or bullied, or neglected. I know I cant say for definite that will happen but the track record isn't good. Could I ask that it happens, MIL supervises it, would I have that right?

Yes I'm sure you could especially with the back ground history. tbh you Dh doesn't really sound man enough to do much anyway.

But, at the moment you have a week old baby and three other children you really need to think about yourself. Have you got anyone who could come and help?

I would ask your Dh to stay at his mums for a bit while you sort yourself out.

MrsDavies Sat 28-Sep-13 19:00:38

I am justshock seriously wtf?! I am also a step-mum and my DH would never let me or our DS be treated like this! I would not only be worried about how you are being treated by ex and DSD's but how your DH allows it! he needs too grow a pair and take her to court if she stops his access. and don't you dare leave your home for DSD visits! it should be you and your DC's are their family when with your dad. This separate family crap won't last long.

MrsDavies Sat 28-Sep-13 19:05:52

and Olivia I don't blame you four wanting to leave, I think most women would. but is it worth a last attempt at getting your DH to see what he's doing is wrong? especially with MIL on your side.

Olivia1971 Sat 28-Sep-13 19:06:56

My Mum is coming tomorrow, and after the latest instalment of shit from the ex is stopping for at least a fortnight. OH wasn't remotely impressed by this, but when I explained he hasn't been around, and I need help, he shut up. My Mum is being quite vocal with how little she thinks of OH, how he should of stood by me like I have him, and how if she had her way he'd be a single man. I'm lucky that I bought my house with inheritance and it is in my name so I wont have to find somewhere to go. MIL is talking about not allowing access to happen at hers as she doesn't agree with how im being treated, and if she wasn't there they wouldn't be allowed to dictate. But the thought of them being in my home, around me and LOs when they hate me so much, hormones running around makes me feel sick. Then the ex at my door makes me shake. But I appreciate OH is trying to be there for his kids, and if she pulls access at hers, what is the alternative. My mum says its for my OH to figure out, and what he comes up with, will tell me a lot about what he thinks of me. I don't want to just give up on my marriage, but I can see me being in a position where I don't have a choice. Feel angry and let down and just wanted to vent x

Your mum is right Olivia, this is not your problem let him sort it, and no don't allow them access. Sounds as though his own mum doesn't think too much of him either.

I'm a step mum as well, it shouldn't be like this. I really feel for you <hugs>

RandomMess Sat 28-Sep-13 19:22:17

Unfortunately as you are married he will have a claim on the house as it is a marital asset although easy to delay having to pay out until your youngest is 18.

I suppose you are asking him to choose between letting his 13 year old dictate to him or manning up and taking the risk of not see her (until she wants something???) sounds like the 10 year old will still want to come regardless. Perhaps even if he just goes down to one day EOW with them and one eve per week that would be a compromise you would accept?

Mojavewonderer Sun 29-Sep-13 15:12:22

Sod that! I can't believe you dropped the charges! You have basically let her walk all over you all and she will forever do it unless you make a stand. She has no right to ask to see your house and run weekend plans by her wtf!! Go to court and get that miserable cow off your backs before it breaks you two up!

dedado Sun 29-Sep-13 15:47:29

Congratulations on your new baby. How awful though that the early days are affected by this sad situation.

My initial thoughts are that he's mad to have got involved with this woman but you didn't choose to have her in your life.

I suspect you've had the conversation many times, but perhaps he didn't think you're serious. At the moment it sound like he will allow his ex and their children to dictate terms and behaves like this is inevitable, so you've no reason to think it'll change or improve. If you tell him that you're ready to end your marriage I wonder if he'll get the motivation to change things. It sounds like your own children see him as much now as they would if you were separated, e.g. eow with one set of children, eow with the other set. So really you don't have full-time support from him anyway.

Thoughts- are the pil willing to facilitate access with his other children indefinitely? If not, he had to find another option and your home is sensibly out of bounds. Water he comes up with- hotel, days out rather than overnights, not your problem but your house is not an option.

A bigger issue though for me is what you tell your own children about this situation and what lessons they're learning about normal family life. I assume your eldest is max 6 or 7, so old enough to notice and ask questions.

I think for me the bug issue is protecting the emotional health and physical safety of you, your children and your home. If he can't or won't ensure your health and safety then he has no complaint if you tell him to go.

MsColour Sun 29-Sep-13 16:11:57

I think both you and your OH have been in an impossible situation for a while now. He is doing everything he can to maintain a relationship with his children and I think he deserves some respect for that. It must have been gutting that charges weren't pressed but this is his children's mother and pressing charges would have had knock on effects for the children. There are many men who would have just given up on their kids in this situation which is what I suspect is what his ex wants. It is also very difficult with an ex who is totally uncompromising.

Equally though, it must be absolutely horrible for you having to put up with all that crap. Being on your own with your own children every other weekend must be a nightmare - I hope you have friends and family around you to support. Sounds like you need to have a real heart to heart about this - not easily done with a very young baby, sleep deprivation and all that. You both need to understand how the other person feels. I hope he really appreciates your support and the difficult time you have had with this situation.

Have they tried mediation? Solicitors? Court? Because she has no right to dictate the terms of contact to him.

WaitMonkey Sun 29-Sep-13 21:01:13

Congratulations on baby dd.thanks
I don't think I've ever been made as angry reading an op, as I did reading yours. You have put up with so much, for so long. Put yourself and your dc first, do whatever you need to protect them.
I'm so glad you have the support of your mum and MIL, she sounds rather wonderful.

wantsleepnow Mon 30-Sep-13 10:18:47

Firstly, congratulations on your DD smile. She is so tiny, you should be able to enjoy this time without stress so I hope you work things out soon.

Just wanted to say that, a few years back, I read some advice on MN that suggested avoiding major decisions while pg or for a year after having DC. Without that, I would be a single mum right now as some difficult situations that still aren't properly sorted felt utterly overwhelming when sleep-deprived, hormonal etc. I still struggle with DH's ex and the contact situation but I'm now glad I held on and things are gradually getting better. Things like having your mum to stay are a much better way of dealing with things while you have so much on your plate imho.

With the ex, I think the situation will now have to be faced as it is not fair for you (or DH) to be apart from each other eow. But you don't have to be involved in this process - your DH needs to sort it out. Could you, he and MIL sit down to discuss? Sounds like she is a powerful ally and will back you up. Or the heart to heart suggested up thread. Work together on this. Your DH will be finding it really hard so, if possible, try to avoid talking about ultimatums even if that's what it boils down to eventually. People can be very stubborn if they feel backed into a corner and, I don't know about you, but a stubborn irrational man is the last thing I can deal with shortly after giving birth!!

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