NP's son refusing to accept new situation

(75 Posts)
herbertina Mon 09-Sep-13 21:49:15

I am new to MN so please bear with me.

I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months. Our relationship began whilst he was still with his wife (but very unhappily married) but he left his wife very shortly afterwards. His wife and his son (12) took it badly (unsurprisingly), although both knew that the marriage was really bad - his ex though thought it was capable of being saved. I am significantly younger than my partner so this has been a source of ridicule for ex and son - and I suspect meant that they thought/think he would have epiphany and return home. His son remains focused on reuniting his parents - meaning my bf's time with him is focused on pacifying him and to a certain extent denying my existence (his son is often v nasty to him). The problem is that our relationship has stalled (from my perspective) because, although we are very close and happy, he has a separate life. Result being I cannot move on with my life and having gone through difficult times, then separation and with new relationship I need that to happen. I cant expect him to do anything but put his son's interests first but what do I do?

Also, he first met my DD (8) and ds (6) about 9 months ago and their relationship with him has developed really well - we do lots of nice things together (which creates guilt for me). I have a good relationship with my ex and they see him often - so all good in that respect.

Sorry for ramble - any thoughts much appreciated.

pictish Mon 09-Sep-13 21:51:53

My thoughts are that you are the Other Woman, the newer model, and your dp has gaily trotted off after you, and left his family bereft.
His son may never accept you.

Oh lord, you are about to get annihilated.

Put it this way. From the POV of his ex, her husband has gone off with a younger woman. From the POV of his son, you are the reason why his family has fallen to pieces. Your partner should have finished his relationship with his wife if it was that bad, before he got with someone else.

That aside, there's nothing you can do to change this. He will keep on pacifying his son. You will have to put up with it. That's the long and the short of it. He will always have a separate life. Even in step-families where there was no break up there is a separate life.

Yes and as pictsh said. Its possible that he will never accept you or what has happened. Ever, ever, ever.

Smo2 Mon 09-Sep-13 21:59:56

Sorry, but just because they were unhappily married doesn't justify your relationship with him. It could take years, and he will always have the family he left behind. You can't erase them, or make them behave in the way that you want. One day he will realise his parents won't reunite...but I can tell you my kids spent two and a half years wishing that would happen until their dad married the other woman, then they spent the day happy and sobbing...utterly confused in the emotions of it all.

So frankly. there's not alot you can do about it really. Divorce sucks.

brdgrl Mon 09-Sep-13 22:03:52

* Even in step-families where there was no break up there is a separate life.*
I'm not sure this is true, or maybe I misunderstand what you are saying. My DH does not have a separate life from me, or not any more than every person has a separate life from their partner, anyway.

OP, I know you will get a lot of crap for being the OW, and I'm not going to go there. Of course it does explain a hostile reception from your partner's son - but actually, many children have trouble accepting the 'new' partner regardless of who ended things or how.

I think perhaps it would be more useful to focus on what kind of relationship you and your DP have now, and where it is going. Your DP can't expect you to remain in a relationship where he is acting out of guilt or where he isn't willing to build a strong partnership with you. I don't agree that you have to accept that he will always seek to pacify his son, or that you have to accept it. You two can work together on changing things, and if they don't change, you don't have to accept that.

What Keema said ^

You will not get a lot of support for being the OW I'm afraid.

And as a seasoned stepmother, I think you would be wise to walk away from this situation.

What I mean brdgrl is that my DH's relationship with my DSD had 10 years in it before we got together. They have part of a relationship and a history that I am not part of at all. I love her, she's just as part of our family as she is part of her mum's new family, but there's always a separate element of their life that I'll never be part of.

I sound very harsh ^^ there.... but, blending a family itself is bloody hard work...adding the drama of an affair into it will just make it so much more complicated. That's what I really meant.

mignonette Mon 09-Sep-13 22:11:50

To be honest Stepchildren are often hostile regardless of when/where their parents marriage ended and how. Even if your DP had met you three years after his marriage ended, there are no guarantees that the stepson would accept you. Some children do not.

You have to maintain a friendly but not over familiar manner w/ him. You may have to have the relationship w/ DP and accept that for now, it isn't going to happen with the son. Often as they get older and especially when they start having relationships that go wrong, they will reach a rapproachment w/ you.

My DH has three children. I have two. I have not tried to be their stepmother. I was the partner of their Father and then his wife. That has suited us all much better.

You helped to split up his parents.

He could very well always hate you.

Consequences, innit?

Can I just ask what on earth you expected? Did you think he was going to welcome you with open arms? Imagine where their marriage would be if be had put the same effort he made with you into his relationship with his wife. The boy is 12. What were you thinking, seriously, I've always wanted an answer to this from people who are no. 3 in the marriage but never seem to get it. FFS.

herbertina Mon 09-Sep-13 22:15:55

To be clear: I know that he will always have relationship with his ex and that will be a life I will not be part of. Reality of divorce with kids. I have same with my ex. The 'separate life' that I'm talking about is fractured new relationship. Relationships breakdown in all manner of ways. You can't judge people because of the way things play out - you have no idea about what drives someone down a certain path.

Idespair Mon 09-Sep-13 22:19:12

But your partner's son is judging you because of how things have played out.

You can when you're 12 and your dad's run off with the woman he was shagging!

Yeah right, his witch of a wife and his dreadful marriage probably drove him down that path, right to you. Reap what you sow and all that. HTH.

BOF Mon 09-Sep-13 22:21:01

You've just got to give it time and accept you will probably never be very popular with his son, or you can walk away. Neither option is easy, but there isn't an easy solution to this.

mignonette Mon 09-Sep-13 22:22:33

And do all you judges and juries ever consider that some people are hell to live with? So unreasonable that sometimes their partners affairs is the lesser of the two evils?

Seriously, don't make assumptions. None of us know the full story but the 'wronged' partner isn't always wronged as the concrete absolutists would have it.

pictish Mon 09-Sep-13 22:23:06

Of course he's judging you by how things have played out! How can he not? He is 12!
He will have had his own mother's misery to contend with as well as his own. They have been left to pick up the pieces after the deceit and betrayal, and there is no doubt that he will ruing the day that you showed up in town!

lunar1 Mon 09-Sep-13 22:23:25

Your boyfriends son has every right to judge you. why on earth would he want you to be part of his life? you helped split his parents up and he shouldn't feel forced into accepting you, he probably feels loyal to his mum.

Fairylea Mon 09-Sep-13 22:24:06

The 12 year old is always going to hate you. Always and forever.

I was that 12 year old. I still hate my step mother. I am now 33. She wasn't invited to my wedding. My dad openly knows I hate her.

mignonette Mon 09-Sep-13 22:24:10

Some husbands/wives are 'witches' and warrant just as much blame or responsibility. Just because it may not have been the case in 'your' marriage, doesn't mean it applies to all.

mignonette Mon 09-Sep-13 22:25:37

I have had four step parents. I hated one and liked the other three. The one i liked best was the one who appeared before my parents lawfully separated. Life isn't as simple as some people would like to depict it OP

pictish Mon 09-Sep-13 22:25:58

Seriously OP, you sound as though you think of yourself as some innocent bystander who is being snubbed for nothing. What did you think would happen?

Seriously, don't make assumptions. None of us know the full story but the 'wronged' partner isn't always wronged as the concrete absolutists would have it

This is about the 12 year old child who had his life turned upside down because daddy couldn't keep it in his pants long enough to end the marriage decently and with respect for his wife and child.

herbertina Mon 09-Sep-13 22:33:07

No not an innocent bystander but someone who wants to resolve a very tricky situation in the most sensitive and thoughtful way possible. Cant change hat has gone before or how things are presently. I wanted advice on how best to approach this new situation. that's all

Fairylea Mon 09-Sep-13 22:33:08

What Walter said. If the relationship was wrong then it would have been absolutely fine to end it, have a break and then begin a relationship with a new person. That's the morally right thing to do. No one is perfect but having an affair especially when dc are involved and then expecting them to play happy families is absolutely bonkers.

The problem is that at 12 you don't have the maturity to rationalise what has happened. Having a family break up is hard on children. He's angry and to him its more than justified. He doesn't have to think about how unhappy his parent's marriage may or may not have been. He just knows that its all gone badly wrong. He probably still hopes that his dad will come back. I can't see that changing any time soon.

Who knows, maybe he will come around with time, but I don't think you can expect to do anything to change it now. This is something that your partner needs to work on.

mignonette Mon 09-Sep-13 22:38:33

Walter that rather flippant 'analysis' may not be the truth. I can vouch for the fact that a one sided version of events can do more damage than the truth. And not all former partners give respect nor deserve it. You just cannot assume that the Partner is 'more' in the wrong.

I have been through enough parental step/parental break ups to know now how un black and white these things are and to not make assumptions about 'who' is the wrong 'un. So easy and facile to blame the partner here.

herbertina Mon 09-Sep-13 22:40:35

Why the wife is the victim without knowing any of the facts? I sense that if I'd posted that I was in a desperately unhappy relationship with a cruel, vindictive and controlling husband and embarked on a relationship with a very kind man but didn't know what to go the responses might be different

mignonette Mon 09-Sep-13 22:41:15

And making cutting nasty comments about the partner or the OP isn't exactly showing your caring is it? The OP is asking for advice. If you all have so much compassion for this poor 12 year old, why not show it by offering constructive advice which might go some way towards helping him rather than bitchy 'serves you right' sneers just to make you feel self servingly vindicated?

herbertina Mon 09-Sep-13 22:44:58

@ KNACO I agree.

To spell it out: I'm thinking of the perspective of a child who probably neither has the maturity nor the inclination to see this as a grey area.

Nobody is a victim here except him. How said that OP feels pushed out?

Well, no. What's sad is that this poor child is in total turmoil and OP is moaning that things aren't going smoothly enough for her liking.

Shit happens. Moreso when you've created the shit storm by your own actions.

Like I said: consequences.

It's not a contest about whose seen the most break-ups, btw.

herbertina Mon 09-Sep-13 22:47:30

thank you M. Not good experience on MN

pictish Mon 09-Sep-13 22:47:39

I don't think there's any resolving to be done in this situation. It will take time, and probably lots of it.

I don't think you're the wicked witch of the west or anything, but I do think you're unrealistically expecting adult emotions and logic from a child, and looking for ideas that will wrap this all up neatly into something that makes your life easier.
That's not gonna happen. He may come round in time. One would hope so, because there's no sense in hanging onto bad feeling...but right now, he's a kid that has seen his dad make a choice, and it wasn't him and his mum, but you.
And really...to him...who the fuck are you?

That's what you're dealing with. Time is your friend.

mignonette Mon 09-Sep-13 22:52:51

No, the desire to make snippy comments is winning over any compassion for this little boy.

The OP asked for advice not a morality play.

Herbert, Yes, time is your friend. You have to understand that he is traumatised, angry and thinking magically nut equally he is capable of understanding the basic rules of politeness when in your home. Make it clear to him that he doesn't have to like you but you expect him to not be rude. he can understand that and actually the more boundaries in place, the better. When your life has fallen in, the more structured you can keep things, the better. And be really careful to ensure your children take a back seat with your DP when his son is over. That'll help mitigate any jealousy. That was the bit I had to be really careful with.

Beamur Mon 09-Sep-13 22:53:01

My thoughts FWIW - this situation needs time and sensitivity to bring round.
Your boyfriend needs to avoid the 'Disney' route of pacifying parenting, and to step up and parent his child kindly and effectively. As you say, what has happened, has happened and whilst you may all be sorry for the collateral damage, you still have to go on with your lives.
I'd keep out of meeting his son for the time being, the son is far too hurt and raw to be able to deal with you rationally. But I wouldn't leave that as an open ended timescale either - there is a balance to be struck between putting the kids first but not making a martyr out of yourself either.
From my experience of teens (I have 2 teen stepchildren) you're about to hit the most turbulent and hormonal years too, which may make this even harder - sorry!
In my own relationship, I've been a supportive and I hope kind step parent, but it can be a rather thankless role at times, I do a lot of the invisible stuff (clean clothes, food in cupboards etc) but children don't see those aspects of life until they're older, so it can feel as if you have little gratitude - but kids can pick up on SP's who are mean or unwelcoming and I'd hate for my step kids to reflect back on their childhood and feel that.

herbertina Mon 09-Sep-13 22:54:39

OP is not moaning. OP is asking for advice. To be clear. OP has children of her own. OP understands the difficulties of divorce. OP talks to her DS and DS most nights about the complexities of separation. OP does not feel sorry for herself at all.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 09-Sep-13 22:59:08

herbertina you're getting a bit of a roasting here, with some excellent advice thrown in, well done for hanging in. This book might be helpful for you.

I'm not a sm, but anyone who settles with ds2 will be.

EldritchCleavage Mon 09-Sep-13 23:01:23

Erm, this may not end well. Have a quick look at Relationships and you will see how emotive and divisive a topic this is.

As to your question, if your new partner is committed to helping his son through this (as I hope he is) then you are very much in a holding pattern while that happens. You have to wait, and see NP when you can.

He can help his son by making gently but firmly clear there will be no reconciliation-kinder than letting the child hope, really. I feel very much for that boy.

herbertina Mon 09-Sep-13 23:01:33

Thank you M. You have helped.

Beamur Mon 09-Sep-13 23:04:06

herbertina - you've obviously made the transition with your own relationship with your ex to parent your kids separately and I assume it's going well from how you describe it - do you think your current partner should be doing anything differently?

BOF Mon 09-Sep-13 23:07:06

There is a rather horrible tendency on MN for a few posters to take the moral high ground by showing 'compassion' for the people being posted about, while conspicuously failing to extend anything like the same courtesy to the OP asking advice. Frankly, it makes that compassion look like merely a hook to hang the urge to be unpleasant to other posters on.

There's a way to give advice to somebody you feel is in the wrong without going all Lord Of The Flies on their ass.

Beamur Mon 09-Sep-13 23:10:23

My DSD had a really tough time understanding why her parents were still married but DP had a girlfriend (i.e. me) and Mum was also seeing someone else. She never played up or behaved badly, but would constantly bring up the subject of their marriage, or what anniversaries meant and another tactic was to bring their wedding photo to the dinner table! DP and DSS found it impossible to engage with her (she was only 7 or 8) about this and usually just pretended she hadn't said anything so I usually ended up talking to her about it, which was awkward for me - but at the time, I thought this was all about her just not understanding what was going on. I suggested to DP that he and his wife really needed to get on with their divorce as their daughter was very confused. Funnily enough, once they divorced and it was clear that no reconciliation was ever going to happen, these questions and conversations stopped happening. So, I guess I'm saying I agree with Eldrich - it has to be clear that there is no going back to how things were.

That's the beauty of free speech isn't it?

You can what you want without needing the approval of others!

She's doing herself no favours by acting the victim here, talking about needing to move in with her bf etc.

She helped her children make the transaction yet doesn't seem to want to extend the same courtesy to bf.

It's selfish and won't do any of them any good.

In time this child may come around but he may not. Trying to 'help' or move things along will make matters worse.

EldritchCleavage Mon 09-Sep-13 23:26:58

Don't think OP is 'acting the victim' and that kind of comment just inflames rather than helps.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 09-Sep-13 23:42:32

OP is very much not "acting the victim", but there's a difficult situation that she wants to address. Am on ipad so cannot c&p, but her original issue was that her dp has a separate life with his ds, what should she do? And to that, I'd say, find a separate life of your own. A hobby, a club... something that makes you unavailable when dp sees his ds, at least some of the time.

But have your own life, separate from them.

HavantGuard Mon 09-Sep-13 23:43:25

He's 12. He knows his father left. He knows his mother wanted him to stay. He knows his father left to be with you. He can't help but hate you. It's so much easier to direct his anger at you than at the father he loves. He'll have seen his mother crying, he no longer sees his father everyday, his father is acting as a family with you and your children. His life changed overnight and he sees you as the cause.

It's also worth remembering that you only know be side of the story. You say he was unhappily married. It may well be that the first his wife knew about that was him packing his bags!

theyoniwayisnorthwards Mon 09-Sep-13 23:53:44

I wouldn't count on time healing this rift. I have not seen my Dad's (OW) girlfriend since I was 21 although I see plenty of him and they have been 'out' as a couple for about 5 years. The idea of her coming to a family event, being in my home or meeting my children is ridiculous to me. I am now 31.

Prepare to be permanently excluded from his family life, because it happens.

purpleroses Tue 10-Sep-13 07:45:28

My DSC are all on good terms with their stepdad- who came into their lives in much the same way you did (he had an affair with my dp's now-Ex-wife) So it can work out.
I met them some time later but had a very negative reaction from DP's 11yo DS at first. I get on fine with him now (3years on) but early on he would have nothing to do with me. DP gave him time to get used to things but didn't allow outright rudeness. His DS was not allowed to dictate when I came round and had to sit down for meals with me. He gradually got used to me and gave up the protest. Though I don't think his mum had any problem with me so wasn't fueling his protest - something that may make it harder for you. Everything your DP can do to ease his relationship with his ex may help.

I'd also advise that when you're first spending time with DSS that your DP tries not to be too involved with your DCs. Ours have not always found it easy to see their parent being close to other children.

If your DP wants a future with a proper relationship with both you and his DS in it, he does need to start to integrate it. I can't see how you can really make a future together if he won't.

Kaluki Tue 10-Sep-13 10:28:21

I sense that if I'd posted that I was in a desperately unhappy relationship with a cruel, vindictive and controlling husband and embarked on a relationship with a very kind man but didn't know what to go the responses might be different
Have you actually read the Relationships board?? The majority of posters on here would have advised you to leave the marriage first THEN start a new relationship! Don't try and justify your affair - it was dishonest and wrong and your DP betrayed his wife and you helped him do this - no wonder his son doesn't want anything to do with you.
I know you don't want to hear this but you do reap what you sow. Your bf's son may never accept you and you have to accept that - surely you must have known he wouldn't just welcome you with open arms?

mignonette Tue 10-Sep-13 10:30:32

RE MN morality crew-

We can all tell who would be in the first row at public hangings/floggings/ stocks a few centuries ago ... grin

Cheated on your spouse have you mignonette?

mignonette Tue 10-Sep-13 10:40:46

No, I was cheated on. So if anybody should be throwing tomatoes it would be me but I can see that there are pretty much always two sides to the lives of others.

mignonette Tue 10-Sep-13 10:42:09

Posted too soon. I was able to realise that turning my children against their step parent would only hurt them. And that their Father ending up w/ another broken relationship would only hurt them.

pictish Tue 10-Sep-13 10:45:37

No mig - you're wrong on that score. Public hangings? Talk about picking up the ball and running with it!

Look - the best advice OP can get is some insight into her situation, because she posts as though she doesn't have much. She says 'yes yes I understand - affair blah blah - his son will be pissed off blah blah, but how do we move forward?'

The OP isn't really making room for how deeply this will have affected the family left behind. That is why affairs are bad idea. People just aren't all that willing to forgive and forget.
And that, quite frankly, is tough shit.

pictish Tue 10-Sep-13 10:47:24

And mig I agree. There is no good to be found in keeping the vitriol alive.
But the lad is 12, and there's really nothing OP can do. This is a job for his father.

mignonette Tue 10-Sep-13 10:48:26

She isn't being blase. She has made that clear. You are reading (and displacing) into her posts, negative feelings which are no there.

And my comment was directed towards people who only come onto these threads to wag their fingers and tut. She is asking for help. If you do not want to offer some (because you care not a jot about the plight of this 12 year old) , then don't read on.

dufflefluffle Tue 10-Sep-13 10:49:11

I got together with my dh 18 months after his ex left him. I have been blamed for the demise of their relationship ever since. When I was expecting our first dc together (9 years after we met - so 10.5 years after they'd split) the weeping and wailing and "now mummy and daddy are never getting back together" was something else (we were married 5 yrs at this stage too) and it hasn't stopped much in the 12 years since! The way I see it is that somebody needs to take the blame and the Wicked Stepmother is often the easiest target.

mignonette Tue 10-Sep-13 10:50:10

The Father has to take the lead but it is vital that he presents a united team w/ the OP otherwise even more discordance will be introduced. The moment the child infers dischord of approach, all will be lost. The OP can do much too.

Kaluki Tue 10-Sep-13 10:51:07

It's not a morality crew. OPs morals are her own business as are everyone elses.
It's about consequences of your actions. The consequence of having an affair is that children get hurt and may not want to play happy families with you.
You can't have it all ways, if you are a cheat people don't trust you, if you contribute to breaking up a family then you won't be respected by the children of that family.
Its a bit rich to come on here bleating that your life is not moving on when the problem is of your own making.

dufflefluffle Tue 10-Sep-13 10:51:43

I was able to realise that turning my children against their step parent would only hurt them

You are so right (and generous to be able to act on it) Mignonette

I was able to realise that turning my children against their step parent would only hurt them

Yes, as an adult, you were able to realise that the long term effects would be negative and you acted accordingly.

Do you really expect this child to have the same outlook? Or are you assuming his mother is behind this? I doubt it, at 12 he's very capable of seeing with his own eyes and understanding what happened.

If OP was more interested in helping to repair the damage she helped to cause, and less interested in moving on so she wouldn't be left out, there might be more support.

As it is, unless she acknowledges her part in this colossal mess, this child will most likely never want her around. And who could blame him, really?

purpleroses Tue 10-Sep-13 10:53:17

I don't think she is asking for views on the morality of an affair. And she would not be in a position now to un-do the affair even if she wanted to.

She's asking for how to build a better relationship with her DP's son. Telling her "it's doomed to failure because you deserve it" isn't really very constructive advice is it?

And the reality is that some people in her position do manage to build relations with their new DSC - as my own DSC did with their step dad. Some relationships formed out of affairs do go on to be long and happy marriages. So it's simply untrue to say that it's all doomed to failure (even if you are of the view that she deserves it).

Kaluki Tue 10-Sep-13 10:53:31

OP the best thing you can do for this boy is to let him have his time with his father and take a back seat and get on with your life accepting that he may never want to be part of your family.

(because you care not a jot about the plight of this 12 year old) , then don't read on

And you know that how, exactly?

Mediator Tue 10-Sep-13 10:56:29

The boy will work it out in his own time. He is the child here and you are the adult. He may never like you. He doesn't have to like you. He did not choose to have you in your life.

In Family Law step parenting is known as the worst role of them all.

I'm sorry, but i don't blame him tbh.
Although not entirely your fault, your dp has traded his boy's mum for a younger model and quickly at that.
Age 12 is a difficult age as it is, it's a lot of change for a pre-teen to take on especially with hormones etc.

He may never accept you and you musn't blame him if he chooses not to.

mignonette Tue 10-Sep-13 10:58:13

Duffle Thank you. The fact that your post brought me to tears shows that the pain is still there waiting to pounce, 15 years on.

I have had some wonderful step parents (better than my own parents to be honest) so that did help.Walter I was a child when my parents marriage ended after years of mess and I can assure you that at 11, I welcomed my new stepfather. I was able to understand and cope because people around me (grandparents) explained and helped me understand that their is never one side to the story. My Mother ran off w/ another man leaving us.

I have a clutch of step children too and it is a rocky road. Things can go well for years but scratch the surface and the pain is there waiting to be directed at you whether you deserve it or not. Fact is, even if you meet your new DH years after a marital break up, the children may still see you as the obstacle to their magical thoughts about their parents reuniting.

You represent the end of the day.

medhandthekiddiesvtheworld Tue 10-Sep-13 11:05:49

FWIW telling a one sided view of the sitution damages the children as much as any affair.

DH ex wife was shagging another bloke for years before he met me, he didn't leave because he was scared (correctly) she would stop him seeing the children.

She spent so much time with the OM, the children used to stop in his house on the way home from school, before anyone suggests he was spinning me a line. She told the children it was OK because she was sleeping on OMs sofa - as told to me by SD.

When DH met me - she went fucking beserk, threatened to torch his bike, cut up his clothes, do anything in her power to stop the children seeing him.

We had literally just met, but he didn't fancy more years of sitting by while she fucked another man so he moved out, after 2 years of her trying to throw him out so she could move OM in.

He got a flat and we embarked on a veyr successful relationship.

What did she tell the children, who were well aware of the OM, he used to cut DHs MIL Lawn.

They were in debt up to their eyeballs, but what little money the did have he gave her, 100% of the equity in their home plus initially 50% of his low pay in maintenance.

What did she go on to tell the children??

That DH had run off with another woman, stolen all their money, that he didn't want to pay for them.

Of course as soon as she was actually single OM dropped her like the sack of shit she was.

The children no longer see their father, after years of the poison being dripped into their ears, and despite hard fought for and very expensive court orders.

The youngest is asking to see her dad (at 18), in secret - because she misses him but she doesn't want her mother to know she sees him

He complies, unwillingly, with the secrecy, because the people who suffer the emotional abuse are the children not him.

So yes we had an affair, but it wasn't our affair that damaged the children was it.

medhandthekiddiesvtheworld Tue 10-Sep-13 11:08:49

however OP, all that aside and reading your posts, if I was you - I would run a mile as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

Or I would take the other road and not have a relationship with DS beyond what is absolutely necessary - he doesn't want you in his life, he doesn't need a third parent.

Accepting not being a part of DHs life with him, will save you a lot of heartache in the long run.

mignonette you cannot apply your own feeling and experiences to this child. You have no idea how he feels and just because you were able to adjust, doesn't mean he will be.

theunashamedow Tue 10-Sep-13 13:04:26

My dp and I are in the same situation. He left his wife of 17 years for me 4 years ago (although I am older than her!). I am completely unashamed about it. His marriage was deeply unhappy and his exw nastyiness and spite were the cause of it and she got what was coming to her.
Following this she was incredibly vindicative about his 2 children, then 14 and 11 and did everything possible to sever their relationship with their dad. How someone can do that to their own kids is beyond me. His daughter no long speaks with him. His son has a better relationship buut we do not meet.
Anyway why I am posting. Firstly Ignore comments judging you on here. Any mature adult knows there are two sides of the story in a failed marriage. Secondly however there are some words of wisdom too.
You cannot expect a child to have the maturity to see beyond the destruction of their family. Of course you may well have been represented as the wicked witch whose responsible. He needs time to rebuild with dp and restabilise. Trying to force him to have a relationship with you might not be realistic. Many kids have reunion fantasies and a ow is death to any chance of a return to lost innocence. Give him time and space. However the "he will hate you forever" is also a load of crap. As a child matures and starts finding out relationships he will mature and see things in a more balanced way and may well accept his dads decision and see more clearly what went wrong in his parents marriage. Any mature kindly adult would help bring peace and forgiveness to his life and his relationship with his dad. But let him come to you. It can't be forced but just be supported. I know many others who have gone through this process in time.
Also read some of the stepaprenting, teenager stuff on here. This is not just about a divorce with ow involved. Lots if others have same issues.
Also for me I actively don't want my dps kids to meet my children. Frankly they are hugely damaged not only by their dad leaving for ow but by their mums post split conflict driven behaviour. Until they recover, if ever, they are not going to be part of my or my kids lives as my kids are not going to be exposed to that kind of hostile and nasty environment. If you have kids think about this.
So overall advice is be happy with your dp - I know we are - but let time and Dp try to heal your relationship with dss.

needaholidaynow Tue 10-Sep-13 17:52:25

This thread just takes me back to when I was that 12 year old sad

My mum met someone else when she was with my dad, they had an affair, and then she left my dad for this man. As far as my dad and I were concerned, this man broke our happy family up. As an 11 year old I felt an unbearable amount of grief and it was all down to this one man. I've never called him my stepdad, always my mum's partner.

There has always been something about him, even after 12 years, that I really dislike. My dad has a partner who came in to my life much later on when I was 19, and I have a fantastic relationship with her. She's not my stepmum, but she's a true friend to me (the same relationship my stepdaughter and I have- not a mother/daughter one, a friendship one)

I guess I just remained extremely loyal to my dad. This OTHER MAN (yes- there are OM too!), broke my family up. I love both of my parents, and the position of trying to keep both parents happy as a child in this situation is not nice.

You need to give it time OP. He's still hurting.

theyoniwayisnorthwards Tue 10-Sep-13 21:43:41

You have to ask yourself if you can build your happiness out of the rubble of someone else's misery.

As is apparent from this thread there are people who can clearly put their own desires and needs to the forefront and either ignore the pain left behind or justify it by insisting the family they dismantled was failing anyway or the ex-partner deserved to be hurt in some way because their personality or behaviour were not worthy of the cheating partner.

But plenty of others will spend years investing energy, time and compromise in the expectation that eventually the affair will be forgiven by their partner's loved ones and the end will justify the means.

I'm sure that it does happen but it very often doesn't and are you willing waste your life like that?

My Dad's OW has spent her youth waiting for him. Christmas with her brother's family while my Dad is with us, not invited to anything to do with his family, ostracised by his old friends and judged by new ones. I doubt it was worth it.

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