im torn

(61 Posts)
longtether Sat 17-Aug-13 07:06:01

I have two lovely step kids but I just resent them existing so much. If it wasnt for them I could have dps first child and we could be a proper family with no added issues and dramas and baggage that comes along with step kids. I just resent them so much I hate it when we do anything with them because it should be our children we're doing everything with not some other lasses. When my children come along it won't be special to dp. He'll have done everything before he has got a boy and a girl it will be nothing new to him. I was hoping when I had children he'd be less excited about seeing them selfish I know but its more likely any children of mine will be the other ones and get left out. I love him and don't have the strength to leave him but why should my children come second fiddle to kids he didn't even want?!

Spottypurse Sat 17-Aug-13 07:08:36

I could not be with someone who felt like you do about my kids. Do the decent thing and leave your DP.

ElBombero Sat 17-Aug-13 07:16:55

Wow longtether. As you've no children you can't understand that every single child is special and unique, saying your kids won't be special cos he already has them is wrong, he, I hope, would love them all equally and fully.

To sound very unstable. To say you resent them existing is cruel, they didn't ask to be put in this situation, poor loves. I think you either need to work on accepting, caring and enjoying them or leave him because you will turn into the resented one not them.

theredhen Sat 17-Aug-13 07:27:05

If you had children with him, they would be just as special to him as his first children. Lots of people have more than two children in bio families so having a boy and a girl obviously isn't the be all and end all for a lot of people.

It is possible that he could be "closer" to the children you have together if he's with them all the time and contact is minimal with kids from his first family but you couldn't expect him to love them more or less.

AngelinaCongleton Sat 17-Aug-13 07:32:39

Seriously, if you feel like that now, its not going to get better with more children in the mix. For everyone's sake think carefully.

IsThatTrue Sat 17-Aug-13 07:39:00

Good god I hope you're not my dcs stepmum.

How sad for those children.

I think you need to sort your head out or leave your dp.

SoupDragon Sat 17-Aug-13 07:46:23

Holy crap!

You need to take a long hard look at yourself. Imagine someone saying those things about your children.

FrussoHathorAKADaisythecow Sat 17-Aug-13 08:34:19

If you have a relationship with someone that has children you need to, at the very least, accept these children as part of your family. And if you cannot do this, because these children will always be part of his life, for yheir sake and for your sake, you need to walk awake from him and this jealousy before it consumes you.
You are still young, you have plenty of time to have a relationship with someone who doesn't have an ex wife and children.
This issue will not go away.

JumpingJackSprat Sat 17-Aug-13 08:47:04

i dont say this easily but you should think about leaving him or youre going to end up damaging those children. theyre not "some other lasses" theyre his children. sometimes i have a fleeting thought that life would be easier if dp didnt already have a son but id never wish his funny, bright, affectionate sweet boy away. reading your post it makes me realise actually im probably doing ok. but you sound so bitter about the poor children who didnt ask for any of this.

changeforthebetter Sat 17-Aug-13 08:56:57

God I hope you don't ever date my X hmm

Leave this family alone. You sound a bit poisonous and I think you could do with talking to someone about why you feel like this. It's really not normal.

NachoAddict Sat 17-Aug-13 09:04:15

If your dp knew how you feel about his children I bet he would be off like a shot. I think you should end this relationship, those children aren't going anywhere and the resentment will fester and get worse.

I don't think its fair on any of you to stay with this man, those children won't ever go away they will always be his children. we have no children together but three between us, neither of us resent any of them for being the others first child/boy/girl we love them and their different personalities if you can't do that then it isn't fair to stay

WaitingForMe Sat 17-Aug-13 09:13:58

Seriously? After you leave this man (which you really must), I think you need to grow up a bit before considering a child of your own as no child will fit your idealised view of a family.

Ledkr Spain Sat 17-Aug-13 09:19:19

Get a grip woman!
You are seriously jealous of children?
You need to get some help with this even if you don't stay with him.
Even if he had no kids he'd have a family and friends he'd want to have time with.
This idealic view you have of life with him and your chikdren is just not a possibility so you'd better find someone who's free to indulge you.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sat 17-Aug-13 10:03:22

longtether some men do feel like that about their DCs. They have one, and then the novelty wears off, and subsequent DCs (regardless of whether they are with the same mum or not) are disregarded and ignored.

Fortunately, these type of men are in the minority. Most Dads adore and dote on their babies and DCs equally - regardless of how many they have. It is sad that your DP is not one of these, but lucky that you have discovered it now and can walk away before having DCs with him.

One day you will find a man who you are confident will love all his DCs with all his heart.

lunar1 Sat 17-Aug-13 10:10:59

You posted this in larger families last week didn't you? I really hope it was you anyway, god forbid there are two people out there like you.

Leave him, then grow up, then think about having a family when you are mature enough to deal with everything that entails.

longtether Sat 17-Aug-13 10:32:29

I accept everyone's views and yes I do need mature before any more children come into the mix. And no I have not posted before this is my first post (though I have been reading conversations).

lunar1 Sat 17-Aug-13 10:38:40

Well maybe you should look for te thread in the other topic and talk it through with that poster.

Her boyfriend had a boy and girl he was tricked in to having too. The op wanted to carry in having children with him till she got a boy and girl too, just to make sure her children were more special than the unwanted first two.

I bet the two of you could have a lovely conversation.

Off to despair at the human race now if there really are two of youhmm

longtether Sat 17-Aug-13 10:56:21

That situation is not unheard of. I know someone who kept trying trying for a girl after she had three boys so I don't see how that is so horrible confused

wrinklyraisin Sat 17-Aug-13 10:58:56

Wow. That's so so sad. You need to leave your DP. His children, whether you like it or not, are part of him and will always be in his life (if he's a good father). I've never ever wished my OH never had his child. I love him more because he's such a good dad. And I love her because she's part of her dad. We are a family. Complex and frustrating at times but a family none the less.

lunar1 Sat 17-Aug-13 11:20:19

Being a step parent has to be the hardest job of any parenting role. I have know many people who feel that if they knew then what they knew now they would have made different decisions at the start and might have walked away.

Even with the most horrific situations both here and in real life though I have only ever known people to wish their own situation to be different, never that they wish the children didn't exist.

If you decide to go ahead and have children when you grow up then you want to hope you can conceive without difficulty, hope that you never experience the loss of a pregnancy and hope for a healthy child at the other side. When you are ready to become a parent the sex of your children doesn't matter. All that matters is that you bring them up in a loving home and do your best. What doesn't matter is producing child after child until you get the right one.

MrsBungle Sat 17-Aug-13 11:27:52

Tell your dp exactly how you feel.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Sat 17-Aug-13 11:28:27

This is so sad sad

Op I really think you need to walk away from your oh, it is unfair on him and his children. They are part of his life and the things you have said about them is just awful. I am a step parent and although at times it is very had I would never wish my ds did not exist.

I mean this in the nicest possible way but please do not have a child with this man, infact please do not have a child with any man until you have grown up a bit and realised that the world does not involve around you.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Sat 17-Aug-13 11:29:04


Eliza22 Sat 17-Aug-13 12:03:46

You have a problem. It is NOT that of your DP and his children.

You are not mature enough for this relationship to work and should leave, seek some counselling and sort your own head out. For everyone's sake.

balia Sat 17-Aug-13 12:09:10

School holidays.

Just saying.

FrussoHathorAKADaisythecow Sat 17-Aug-13 12:22:47

To highlight a couple of bits when we do anything with them because it should be our children we're doing everything with and excited about seeing them
Taken out of the context of your jealousy, this doesn't sound like a dad that didn't even want kids.
They sound very much loved and wanted to me, if he is excited to see them and wants to do things with them.

Are you the OW perchance?

SoupDragon Sat 17-Aug-13 12:27:53

I'm wondering if the problem is that he doesn't want children with you and you want them.

Eliza22 Sat 17-Aug-13 12:30:40

I have 3 steps. All grown up now. One is delightful. One is pretty cool about me and wonderful with my son. One is a pain in the butt and I'm grateful I no longer see her. However, she is my dh's daughter and as such will be a part of my life, forever. I have tried very hard with her and was rejected and ridiculed for my efforts. In other words, I have good reason for disliking her.

You appear to object to his children on principle and this is all wrong. For you, for him and for them. Get help, sort it out or leave.

fackinell Sat 17-Aug-13 12:41:25

OP, I have a DSD aged 16 and DP and I are trying to have a baby now. I had a MC last year. I had the same fears about ours not being as special too and DP was genuinely shocked. He said he could have 20 kids and they'd all be special.

Have you really tried to get to know them? What are their ages? Step-parenting isn't everyone's cup of tea. It may be that you need someone to be on the same level playing field as you, in which case,I would (kindly) suggest you leave.

mumandboys123 Sat 17-Aug-13 12:52:47

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

crazyhead Sat 17-Aug-13 18:37:14

I'm not a stepmum, but I was with a man with a child for a while and realised becoming a stepmum wasn't for me. I just didn't want to start off life with my own children with the added emotional complexity of a step family.

You never know what will happen in life and if anything happened to my adored DP now that left me alone with kids, maybe I'd now consider a relationship with a man with kids (at least that would feel more 'equal'), but it was unequivocally wrong for me when I didn't have children of my own. I found it very hard to leave but I have never regretted it. Decent relationships should not entail constant emotional turmoil, and I am 100 times happier now.

You certainly don't have to 'mature' into someone who wants to be a stepmother (much as I have great respect for people who DO manage to do a good job of that role) but given that you are so clear on your feelings, you do need to leave - because the people who certainly don't have any fault in this situation are these children.

By saying you don't have the guts to leave, you are sort of making yourself into the child/vulnerable one - which you aren't - you have choices and now is the time to take them, not once you've had children of your own. You need to take a risk and try to find a situation you actually want to be in.

Hope I don't sound harsh, I actually don't mean to.

elliebellys Sat 17-Aug-13 19:13:49

Somehow,i cant take this post serious..

UC Sat 17-Aug-13 19:22:10

I think crazyhead has it spot on.

brdgrl Sat 17-Aug-13 19:24:18

This is the equivalent of a reverse AIBU, isn't it.

WaitMonkey Sat 17-Aug-13 19:30:10

Is this your first post op ? Have you got nothing else to do ?
Great big biscuit for you to nibble on while you make up another load of rubbish some other place.

Octopus37 Sat 17-Aug-13 19:41:48

Please don't slate her, that isn't productive, even if its not pretty surely it's better to be honest about how you feel. However, I don't think any children you have together would be any less special. Nontheless, I think you should think about how you will cope with his kids etc going forward if this is how you feel now. Thing to remember is that most people have morgage in some shape or form. You really need to work out if you can deal with it and be truly honest with yourself, maybe it would be kinder to all concerned (yourself included) if you ended the relationship now. I kind of have personal experience of this. Not quite the same but my Dad got into a relationship seven years ago )still ongoing) with a woman who basically resents me and my Sister, obviously we are adults and have kids of our own, but she cannot cope with the baggage. She had no kids of her own and it is now very difficult for me to see my Dad or even phone their house, I see my Dad once or maybe twice a year if I am lucky. The personal grief that has come from has been on a level with the grief of loosing my Mum, although I don't give up, I try and keep things on an even keel and accept that my Dad is in an abusive relationship and it is v difficult for him to put up a fight. Hope this post hasn't come across as too strong, but in essence all I can say is give it some thought.

Octopus37 Sat 17-Aug-13 19:43:01

meant baggage not morgage

needaholidaynow Sat 17-Aug-13 20:53:06

OP, for everyone's sakes (including your own sake!), please don't stay with this man. You are setting yourself up for a very unhappy life if have all of these thoughts about your DSCs. Walk away while you still have the chance.

brdgrl Sat 17-Aug-13 21:14:29

Righty-ho, then.

OP, could I suggest that you read through the step-parenting boards.

You might want to pay particular attention to the most recent threads.
You might find some good advice there, given that your post could almost be an inflammatory amalgamation of some of the most controversial of these threads.

Are there any specific problems you're having?

longtether Sat 17-Aug-13 22:39:13

I think as I do not have children of my own I can not get my head around a lot of things. Like being excited for our children because he already has some, how can be excited over anything because he will have done it all before. Thats why I resent hin having kids. So the thought of me having children and my dp being any less excited as he is with his existing children would break my heart. Thats why I worry and get paranoid and start to think some silly cruel things

Spottypurse Sat 17-Aug-13 22:48:54

G and gt some counselling for yourself. On your own. Far far away from this man and his children

Kaluki Sat 17-Aug-13 23:13:59

My ex's gf doesn't have dc and they are trying for a baby now and if I thought for one minute she felt like you do about my children I would be furious and so would my ex.
My worry is that my dc will have to watch their dad be a proper full time dad to another child when he has never been one for them. Add a stepmum who wants to erase their very existence into the mix and they would be devastated.
If that's really how you feel do the decent thing and find someone with no dc to start a family with and don't screw up your DPs family.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sun 18-Aug-13 00:08:08

how can be excited over anything because he will have done it all before

Just stop, for one minute and think about what you are saying.

Are you an only child? Oldest? Youngest? Regardless of your own experience, it is very rare for a parent not to feel the same excitement about each of their DCs.
Your DP has more than one child, am I right? The only reason I can think that you would be justified in thinking that any DCs he has with you will be less exciting is if he already treats his younger DC like that now.

And if he does, why are you with him?

I suggest you seek help on the relationship board to extract yourself from a relationship with a man who you clearly believe is emotionally neglecting his younger DC. Do you speak to their mother? Perhaps you need to involve her too.

You sound so sure that your DP will be non-plussed by future DCs that I can only assume you are basing your feelings on how you see him behave with his DCs right now.

Soundofraindrops84 Sun 18-Aug-13 00:16:04

Op if and when u have a child (when it's the right time) you will understand what everyone is trying to say on this thread. I know if dp an I were to split, the thought of my dp meeting someone and that someone disliking my child or resenting him would break my heart.

You need to remember the children never asked for any of this, the ex might be a bitch but forget her, if you tried you could probably build a nice relationship with dcs, if your not willing to try then leave him because dps dc will always be there and they have every right to be. You need to build a relationship with then before having family with dp, or your dc maybe in the same position as dsc one day.

Soundofraindrops84 Sun 18-Aug-13 00:23:52

Lol sorry I'm getting mixed up with a post on a thread on larger families, it's very similar to this. Doesn't actually say ex is a bitch but usually they r!

daisychain01 Italy Sun 18-Aug-13 06:12:49

Agree with the other posts. Children are human beings not "someone elses" baggages as you suggest. They need love and to feel they are cared about, and the likelihood of you doing that is zero by your own admission.

Don't get involved in a situation that you are not committed to. Recipe for disaster for many reasons.

emilyeggs Sun 18-Aug-13 07:22:01

That's a very tough post to read OP.... I haven't read the entire thread but can say step parenting is one of the hardest things. It requires compassion and understanding. My DH had a boy & girl from his ex. We have a ds now and each are special and he loves them all. I look forward to seeing my ds with his siblings.....I couldn't do it if I felt like you, don't get me wrong, we have our moments and struggles and I work through them. I would say to you to walk away now.

longtether Sun 18-Aug-13 20:31:09

My dp does not in any way neglect his younger child. He has a girl then a boy so each time ues had something different. When I have a child its either a girl or a boy nothing different to what his got and thats what im afraid of incase he isnt excited for our children cos its nothing different.

cloudpuff Sun 18-Aug-13 20:34:50

I don't often post on here but good god if this true then please leave that family alone, for everyones sake, especially thise poor children, blended families can be great and its possible for everyone to be happy but it takes a lot of hard work and tears to get there, you really don't sound mature enough to take on the responsibility of not only being a step mum.

You should be happy that he is being a good dad to the children he already has, his commitments them came long before you. Bare in mind that you could be in the children's mums position one day, how would you feel if the girlfriend was jealous of your children? I think you should look into counselling to try and resolve your issues. Please do not rush into having a baby.

feelinlucky Sun 18-Aug-13 20:39:41

You're in luck. There are plenty of men who couldn't give a shit about their kids but I would suggest you have a good one and you should probably keep him. I doubt your feelings are that unusual but they're children and you seen like a nice woman. Please remember you can damage children and try to change your negative feelings. Good luck to you. Would you really want a man who put anyone before his children?

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sun 18-Aug-13 21:46:10

He has a girl then a boy so each time ues had something different.

When they are squawking babies, whether there's a willie in the nappy or not makes not a blind bit of difference!
Gender differentiation really isn't a huge deal with babies and young DCs - they all want to push the dollspram, ride a bike, kick the ball, make mud pies and wear nail polish regardless of gender!

If you are treating your DPs DCs very differently because of their gender then you might benefit from some parenting classes - maybe you could go along together smile

brdgrl Sun 18-Aug-13 22:52:25

don't know whether to laugh or cry at notion that the only thing that makes one child different from another is their penis or vagina.

Please leave him.

Pimpf Sun 18-Aug-13 22:59:59

Are you for real?

If this is genuinely how you feel then you should do him. His children and yourself and end the relationship now.

They are his children and always will be, he will always have a relationship with them and their mother (good or bad). If you can't handle that now it isn't going to get any better

fackinell Sun 18-Aug-13 23:07:43

grin Brdgrl.

All children are individual. My DSD is quiet and shy but very funny and creative when you know her. I just have a feeling if we are successful with extending our family that I will have the gobbiest of gobshites imaginable (and trust me, as one, I will deserve it.) I can't wait to see my DSD with her sibling, she will be fantastic, I just know it!!

OP I really hope you can come to love your DSC, good foundations can be built on the flimsiest of common grounds: music, movies, shopping, there must be least you know your DH will be a fantastic Dad. Please don't write your DSC and marriage off until you've given it your all. It's the least they and you deserve.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Sun 18-Aug-13 23:11:27

thats what im afraid of incase he isnt excited for our children cos its nothing different.

He sounds like an arse. Either that or you have a very low opinion of him. I'm assuming you don't think that all parents with more than one child of the same gender lack excitement in their DCs? This is just your DP that you think will behave in this way, isn't it?

Either way, your relationship is in trouble if you genuinely believe that your DP won't be excited about any other DCs he has cos he's already got a boy and a girl.

I'm not sure who to pity more; you, because you're with such a selfish man, or him because you think he's like that.

SoupDragon Mon 19-Aug-13 07:20:52

When I have a child its either a girl or a boy nothing different to what his got

FFS. Do you think children are little clones?

Stop bleating about your non-existent precious children and how you, a non parent, believe your OH will feel and actually read what people have said. And then bog off and leave that family alone.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 19-Aug-13 07:40:51

soup I think the OPs DP must have expressed these feelings to her - either directly or indirectly, which is why she is so upset and resentful.

Noone could just imagine that their DP will feel that way without some evidence, surely?

Either way, Why on earth would the OP even consider having DCs by a man who she thinks (or who actually does) have such a selfish attitude?

SoupDragon Mon 19-Aug-13 07:47:56

Why on earth would a man consider having children with a woman who resents his children so much?

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 19-Aug-13 07:50:23

I assume that he either thinks its Ok (in which case he's an arse) or he doesn't know how the OP feels.

Either way, it's a train wreck of a relationship!

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