12 year old sleeps in his dads bed

(73 Posts)
harpej Thu 01-Aug-13 13:38:35

My boyfriend's 12 year old son regularly wakes at about 4.30am and comes and gets in bed with him. He usually says he has an ache or pain which is why he has to sleep with him. Apart from the fact that my boyfriend is shattered the next day, I am worrying about this happening when we all go away on holiday soon and how I will deal with it.

I must admit that I feel extremely uncomfortable when this has happened when I have stayed the night, as I feel he is now too old to be sleeping in our bed.

I don't have any children of my own so am worried that maybe I am being unreasonable. And how do I broach the subject with my boyfriend?? I don't want to be critical of his parenting.

Advice needed please.

confused

curlew Thu 01-Aug-13 13:41:18

Will you be sharing a room? If so, I would just roll out of bed and into DSS's. but I have a very relaxed attitude to bed sharing!

Jan45 Thu 01-Aug-13 14:15:15

I would find that strange and I wouldn't be willing to share my bed with someone else's 12 year old son, no way. If that's what they do then fine but you don't have to partake, I'd be sorting out a bed for myself or at least broaching the subject of the son staying in his own bed when you go on holiday!

valiumredhead Thu 01-Aug-13 14:36:11

What curlew said. My ds often gets into bed for a cuddle still. I take it you haven't got older kids OP?

Floralnomad Thu 01-Aug-13 14:37:51

I also have a relaxed attitude to bed sharing and its ok for him to sleep with his parents ,but I don't think he should be sleeping with you .

purpleroses Thu 01-Aug-13 14:38:46

I'd be relaxed about it with a 5/6 year old, but 12 really is rather old for that. Can you have a word with your BF and say it makes you uncomfortable, and could he maybe suggest to his DS that he is too old for that now?

Does he live with your BF full time? Or just visit at weekends? If he's not there very much he may be doing it because he's keen to be with his dad as much as possible when he does get to see him. Or possibly because he's jealous of you being in the bed. So plenty of attention and 'dad time' in the day is the way to go, with the deal being that he stays in his own bed at night.

Your BF may need to get up and escort him back to his own bed a few times at first to get him used to the idea, or even stay with him in his room til he settles. Not easy when you're sleepy but worth it in the long run.

valiumredhead Thu 01-Aug-13 14:40:13

They aren't that different from toddlers really just in bigger bodieswink just take yourself off to another bed if it happens.

valiumredhead Thu 01-Aug-13 14:42:50

Why too old purple? Not appropriate with the OP I agree but too old with his father?confused ime kids tell you/let you know of they are too old for something. Perhaps the boy needs some extra reassurance/comfort?

purpleroses Thu 01-Aug-13 14:52:10

Too old in the sense that he shouldn't be needing that level of comfort in the night - unless he's had some recent trauma or something. They're not the same as toddlers at 12. Toddlers still believe in monsters under the bed, are afraid of the dark, and sometimes need reassurance that you've not vanished when you're not in the room. They don't have the resources to keep their minds occupied if they find themselves awake in the night and sometimes need company whilst they fall back to sleep.

12 year olds should be able to find themselves awake in the night, roll over, daydream a bit and then fall back to sleep. They're still a child (just) but not the same as they were when they were small.

I don't think there's anything "morally" wrong in it, if the 12yo and his dad are both happy with it. But the OP says that her BF ends up tired the next day as a result, and that she feels uncomfortable about it. I'd have been OK with my own DS in my bed up to about the age of 12 and have shared a bed with him on holiday up to about that age. But would not be comfortable with my DSS of the same age in the bed. The relationship is not the same, and it's reasonable enough to expect the OP's BF to consider both her needs and his DS's and strike the right balance.

curlew Thu 01-Aug-13 14:54:29

As I said, if it doesn't happen til 4.30, the OP should just roll into the boy's bed! Simple.

valiumredhead Thu 01-Aug-13 14:55:40

Don't you think some 12 year olds are afraid of the dark and monsters? I think you'd be surprised at how many ime still want a night light or the door open with the landing light on.

curlew Thu 01-Aug-13 14:56:39

Some 12 year olds just want a cuddle with dad. Or mum. Doesn't have to be deep seated trauma.

Floralnomad Thu 01-Aug-13 15:00:56

My daughter is 14 and not particularly well ,she often comes into our room and kicks one of us out of bed as a change of scenery helps her get back to sleep . Doesn't bother us in the least ,her room has a very nice king size bed .

5madthings Thu 01-Aug-13 15:01:00

meh i would just do as curlew said and go and sleep in the boys bed, or on the sofa etc.

Spottypurse Thu 01-Aug-13 15:03:40

My 11 year old still comes in with me on occasion. DP just goes into her bed. I don't see the issue. She doesn't have any trauma that I'm aware of she just likes in with me. And she still sleeps with a night light in her room.

expatinscotland Thu 01-Aug-13 15:16:23

What curlew said. And if I were the father and you made a big deal out of it, I'd dump you fast.

Jan45 Thu 01-Aug-13 15:24:54

I think there's a difference between your own child and what you have allowed since day one to being someone's g/f and expected to sleep in bed with a 12 year old boy, no way, I wouldn't want to sleep in his bed either!

expatinscotland Thu 01-Aug-13 15:27:56

Gees, I've slept in loads of beds. A bed is a bed.

Neitheronethingortheother Thu 01-Aug-13 15:28:20

As a sm to 2 children and with 3 of my own there is def a difference between a sc and bc getting into be with you. I would not like a 12 year old child getting into bed with me. Tbh he probably wont be that comfortable at getting in with you there. I wouldnt fancy sleeping in a 12 year old boys bed either. Think it is one of those things that need to be knocked on the head before ye go away.

purpleroses Thu 01-Aug-13 15:33:55

Maybe the OP doesn't find it easy to get back to sleep if she's been woken at 4.30am? Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable in her BF's DS's bed? (I'm very fond of my DSC, but sleeping in one of their beds is absolutely not the same as sleeping in one of my own DC's beds - they smell different!) Maybe she likes to have sex with her BF in the early morning!

There's absolutely no way she should expect to be booted out in the night, in favour of a 12 year old, who has his own bed in the same house that he can sleep in. And I rather suspect that those who have suggested she should be are not in fact stepparents.

OP - please don't feel that you can't raise this with your BF or he's dump you (as has been suggested above). I can assure you that when my DP raised similar issues about my 8 year old getting into my bed at night, I didn't dump him, but instead gently worked on getting DD to be better able to settle herself back to sleep in her own bed. Stepparenting is about balancing people's needs, not about always coming second to the DSC. But your BF can't balance your needs and his DS's unless you tell him how you feel.

xalyssx Thu 01-Aug-13 15:52:26

My ex's son does this every night, when I was a part of their lives I slept on the sofa...

ChinaCupsandSaucers Thu 01-Aug-13 16:30:00

Each to their own, but I wouldn't have any respect for a parent who chose to regularly sleep with their 12 year old DC out of choice.

expat Likewise - I'd be out of my partners life in a heartbeat if I found out that he wasn't encouraging independent sleeping in his 12 year old DS - not for me at all, I'm afraid!

OP if your DP isn't prepared to discuss it, then you have your answer, I'm afraid.

riverboat Thu 01-Aug-13 16:42:17

I think if it happened occasionaly, like two or three times a year that would be one thing, and going off to sleep in his bed wouldn't be an issue for me. But 'regularly' would be quite difficult to live with.

I think it is worth broaching with your boyfriend, but very gently and open-mindedly to test out the waters. Maybe to get his feelings on whether he expects you to leave the bed or stay in it, and to discuss going forward as the child becomes a teenager, whether he envisions it still being a regular and accepted occurrence or if he wants to phase it out..

Pagwatch Thu 01-Aug-13 16:47:56

My near 11 year old DD deliberately sets her alarm for before mine goes off t come in for 'cuddle time'.
It's not a problem. It's quite a nice start to the day tbh <shrug>

China . I suspect that means you don't respect my parenting. I am just going to have to learn how to live with that particular disappointment.

nkf Thu 01-Aug-13 16:50:32

Kids and parents like to cuddle up sometimes. The issue is you are not happy with it. No idea how to deal with that, but I don't think it's necessarily weird.

curlew Thu 01-Aug-13 16:54:41

"China . I suspect that means you don't respect my parenting. I am just going to have to learn how to live with that particular disappointment."

Or mine. My grief, however, is controllable.

valiumredhead Thu 01-Aug-13 16:57:28

Seeing as I'm not looking for anyone's respect I can live with that toowink

Pagwatch Thu 01-Aug-13 16:57:43

Op, I think it's going to be easiest if you just ask him how the two of you should handle it if it happens.
He may be so used to it that it hasn't dawned on him that it might be logistically awkward.
Equally do you think his son will continue to do that if he knows you are there ?

runningonwillpower Thu 01-Aug-13 16:58:47

This is one of those situations where I see both points of view.

I can understand that a 12 year old sometimes likes to cuddle up with his Dad. And it would be very sad if he felt he couldn't.

But I can also understand why a grown woman wouldn't want to share a bed with someone else's 12 year old.

However, he must be old enough to understand the compromise of no sharing if that space is already taken up. It doesn't have to be sold as a lifetime exclusion - just a practical solution to three people in the bed don't fit.

Pagwatch Thu 01-Aug-13 16:59:19

Curlew/Valium
We could make a support group in case it gets tough and we need to hug it out [sadface]

curlew Thu 01-Aug-13 17:00:16

"However, he must be old enough to understand the compromise of no sharing if that space is already taken up. It doesn't have to be sold as a lifetime exclusion - just a practical solution to three people in the bed don't fit."

Does that work both ways? grin

Owllady Thu 01-Aug-13 17:03:44

I can see both sides too

I am giggling about the loss of respect for parents over it though. I think it's such a lovely thing to cuddle your children, no matter what their age. If i go to bed early my older ones love to come in for a cuddle and a chat smile the youngest would stay in there though so i discouraging it....

Lackedpunchesforever Thu 01-Aug-13 17:04:14

It's a sad world when children aren't allowed to curl up in bed beside a parent if they require comfort and closeness.

Pagwatch Thu 01-Aug-13 17:07:22

Owllady

The real shocker is DS2 who is 17 and still rocks up once his alarm has gone off. Dh gets kicked out of bed to go and fetch the hot drinks grin

We bought a really big bed years ago. It's fab.

Spottypurse Thu 01-Aug-13 17:09:20

I'm another DP kicker-outer when DD comes in grin he goes and makes us all a cuppa and brings it back up

Jan45 Thu 01-Aug-13 17:11:12

I'm not dishing children wanting cuddles from parents and creeping into their beds at 4.30am but if I was seeing a bloke and that happened, I would not be happy to either share the bed with him or sleep in his (a bed is not a bed, it's someone else's bed with their smells and god knows what else)!

Surely, unless the child is ill, the b/f can make a compromise when the OP stays over, it won't do his son any harm to spend some nights sleeping in his own bloody bed, he's 12!

5madthings Thu 01-Aug-13 17:15:12

we had three kids in our bed this morning... just doesnt bother me and is entirely natural.

if i want space i kick dp out or he often ends up in bed with ds4 as he likes a cuddle in the night. if either of us wants peace and quiet we will decamp down to the sofa.

dd has just started going to bed in her own bed, its a toddler bed at the end of our bed so she isnt far away but it feels very odd to go to bed and not have a child in there! tho at some point in the night she then ends up in our bed anyway.

after 14yrs and five children i am relaxed about where my kids sleep so long as we all get some sleep. they grow up too fast anyway.

i remember being ill as a teen and sleeping in my parents bed etc.

runningonwillpower Thu 01-Aug-13 17:16:36

Curlew - I get your point and in our family one of the parents (probably him) would just slope off.

But in step-relationships it does seem to get more complicated and a practical compromise has to be sought.

valiumredhead Thu 01-Aug-13 17:31:06

Pag-we might have togrin

We are another big bed house hold, super kings rockgrin

5mad-how is she in a toddler bed already??shock sad you'll have to have anotherwink

ChinaCupsandSaucers Thu 01-Aug-13 17:40:10

It's a sad world when children aren't allowed to curl up in bed beside a parent if they require comfort and closeness.

At 04:30am? I can just imagine if I turned up on my parents doorstep at that time of the morning because I needed comfort and closeness.

It's part of teaching a DC independence, at 12 they are making the transition between child and adult - there's a time and a place for seeking comfort , and 04:30am when Dad is already snuggled up in bed with his partner is not the time or the place. I bet the same 12 year old would die rather than have cuddles from Dad at the school gate in front of his mates!

Are there really parents out there who encourage pre- teen DCs to climb into bed with them regularly? I thought it was a Disney-Dad thing; obviously not!

5madthings Thu 01-Aug-13 17:41:42

i know valium she is 2.5 and tbf she only starts the night there... and i lay with her until she falls asleep.. but i was sorting out our bedroom and she was very excited by a digger bedset i found so i suggested making up the toddler bed and she wanted to try it! she is normally in our bed by midnight. it does feel odd and like the end of an era.

lol at having another, the boys would like us to have another but dp says no. rationally i think.no as well, but as i have been tidying away baby stuff and merry is starting to sleep in the toddler bed my womb is doing that broody/achey thing blush its not happening tho, five is enough and merry is insistent she is still a baby girl, she snuggled up and slept on my lap this afternoon, hasnt dont that for a while! she is stretched out on my legs now, would be nice if it werent so hot and sticky!

seriously tho if i was a step parent and my partners kids did this i would just get up and go sleep elsewhere. it wont last forever.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Thu 01-Aug-13 17:42:39

So all of you who have big beds and bed share - this includes non-blood relatives (step parents and the like)?

I'm wondering just how quickly SS would be knocking on my door if my 12 year old DD disclosed that she shared a bed with my DP!

Pagwatch Thu 01-Aug-13 17:45:35

Runningonwillpower

Yes, absoloutely. I quite understand that in a step relationship it is more complicated and requires more thought/negotiation.

China, you are being very absoloute about how other people express closeness and affection.
My 17 year old DS1 arranged a cycle trip with five off his friends from Munich to Venice. He is very independent. Our willingness to hug him whenever we thought he needed it hasn't stunted him at all.

Is it possible that you are making judgements based entirely upon what works for you in an oddly superior manner?

Crumbledwalnuts Thu 01-Aug-13 17:48:27

I would have no problem with this. Are you sure you don't feel uncomfortable because it means you sharing a bed with a child not related to you?

5madthings Thu 01-Aug-13 17:51:30

My partner works in child protection. Its not unusual for the staff to sit beside the bed of an older child/teen until they fall asleep and then repeat this in the night as necessary. As they are carers the relationship is different to relatives/parents.

But equally I would and do happily let my children co-sleep with relatives/close friends if its needed.

merrymouse Thu 01-Aug-13 17:51:36

I think a 12 year old is old enough to understand that his father and partner need some alone time on holiday,even if only before breakfast.

It's one thing having your 12 year old in bed if you are single or have a long standing relationship. It's quite another if you are in the early stages of a new relationship.

The 4.30 am snuggling can always be replaced by less nocturnal snuggling.

CountryGal13 Thu 01-Aug-13 17:51:37

Yeh, as a step-parent, I'd be uncomfortable with that too. My step child is a 12 year old girl and I'd be pretty shocked if she climbed into our bed at 4:30 in the morning. I'm sure it'd be different if you were both his bio parents but, like it or not, things are different in step families. Puberty will kicking in soon and then I shouldn't think he'll be wanting to sleep with his dad anyway...

ChinaCupsandSaucers Thu 01-Aug-13 17:52:12

No more than expat did - she not only said that a bed is a bed but also made it clear that co-sleeping was a non-negotiable for her in the same way as I am - all be it we are on opposite sides of the same coin!

As I said, each to their own - but telling the OP she deserves to be dumped if she doesn't accept her DOs choices without question is indicative of someone who has limited experience of Stepparenting.

Petal02 Thu 01-Aug-13 17:52:35

Agree with the posters who point out you can't expect a grown woman to share her bed with someone else's 12 yr old son!!! And I'm not surprised she wouldn't want to sleep in his bed either, yukky or what????

It's one of those things that just doesn't sit well in a step situation.

expatinscotland Thu 01-Aug-13 17:54:11

Wind your neck in, China, I didn't say she deserved to be dumped but that I would and you just honed in and got personal. Get a grip.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Thu 01-Aug-13 17:55:48

petal - if nothing else, 12 is the age of wet dreams and other pubescent joys; I can't imagine ever being close enough to my DSS for him to be comfortable sharing his morning glory with me!

Petal02 Thu 01-Aug-13 17:56:48

Can I just ask if posters would find it appropriate for a man to share a bed with his 12 yr old step daughter? Not a good idea, is it?

Same principle as the OP, but with the genders reversed.

expatinscotland Thu 01-Aug-13 17:58:48

I'd say the same no matter what the child's gender.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Thu 01-Aug-13 18:00:36

And if I were the father and you made a big deal out of it, I'd dump you fast.

I'm struugling to read that as anything other than personal - it's hardly hypothetical, is it?

ChinaCupsandSaucers Thu 01-Aug-13 18:01:42

I'd say the same no matter what the child's gender.

But what would SS say? A big risk for a stepparent, don't you think?

neunundneunzigluftballons Thu 01-Aug-13 18:02:55

I suppose I would be of the opinion that SC should not have to grow up faster than BC so if it is ok for BC, which in this case it is IMO then it is the adults and not the child who has to make the compromises. Maybe dad can go into the son's room with him.

GoodTouchBadTouch Thu 01-Aug-13 18:03:18

Poor you OP. I wouldn't want to sleep with a 12yo boy.

Petal02 Thu 01-Aug-13 18:08:16

I think it's really inappropriate in a step family context. A bit different in a bio situation though.

merrymouse Thu 01-Aug-13 18:08:24

I don't think this is really about SS. I think it's about the OP marking boundaries within the relationship.

The OP should tell her boyfriend how she feels. If they can't negotiate this without somebody feeling resentful, the relationship probably doesn't have much future.

On the other hand, if this is the only sticking point, its unlikely that the son will want to share his dads bed for much longer, so maybe just book 2 double beds and kick your partner out at 4am and enjoy a lie in?

hesterton Thu 01-Aug-13 18:09:19

I would gently suggest to my dp that when he woke and came into the room, dp should have a hug with him back in his own bed. Nothing wrong with the dss wanting that closeness with his own dad but not in op's bed at that age.

I love it when my wonderful dsd aged 8 comes in our bed for a natter and a giggle in the morning but 4.30? Then it's her dad's issue.

Lackedpunchesforever Thu 01-Aug-13 18:13:42

How many nights a week does your partners son stay over ? Do you live together?

FairyThunderthighs Thu 01-Aug-13 18:13:51

I'm fairly sure I still occasionally went to my mum and dad's bed when I was that age. There was no specific fear but I was a sensitive child and sometimes needed to be near them.
My DP is a stepdad to my son and if he ever wanted to come into our bed I'm sure DP would sleep on the sofa, because as a step parent it could be seen as "wrong" by some people. Also to give us more room, ds and I are wriggly sleepers!

nkf Thu 01-Aug-13 18:16:45

Of course the OP doesn't want to share her bed with her partner's son. Who is suggesting that she should? The issue is what to do when both OP and son want to be in the bed with the partner/father. No idea myself, but I can see it's not a SS issue.

valiumredhead Thu 01-Aug-13 18:23:26

I don't think anyone had suggested the OP sleeps in the same bed have they? Just if the boy comes in to go and sleep elsewhereconfused

Pagwatch Thu 01-Aug-13 18:23:43

It's going to be about sensitive negotiation isn't it?

The op needs to talk to her partner now.
If the boy is used to this, if it is an aspect of their relationship that signifies closeness and affection then I am not sure 'now op is here it stops' is going to be a good thing is it?

Surely a number of conversations now about exactly how this will play out will be easiest on everyone ...
'ds, on holiday the sleeping arrangements will be different so we need to work that out. If you wake up jst clambering in with us will be awkward and cramped so let's talk about changing things so everyone is happy '

I think the op has understandable concerns about how to handle it.
It's just the 'coming in for a cuddle at age 12 is inappropriate' comments warranted a response because it's kind of bollocks.

brdgrl Thu 01-Aug-13 22:39:07

Whatever one's view on a 12-year-old coming in for cuddles on a regular basis - the OP is the adult partner. She has a right not to 'make way' for a child and the suggestion that she get up every morning and move into the boy's bed is absurd.

Co-sleeping with children (setting the age issue aside) is fine if both adults are happy with that. In this case, one is not.

As has been said, too, an adult woman sleeping with a 12-year-old, unrelated boy is not appropriate by most people's standards, and has the very real possibility to cause problems with the mother or indeed with social services.

Clearly, the situation cannot continue. Someone has to leave the father's bed. That someone should be the growing boy who has a bed of his own, not the adult partner.

brdgrl Thu 01-Aug-13 22:41:07

And if I were the father and you made a big deal out of it, I'd dump you fast.
I wouldn't. I'd think it was a legitimate concern, and apologize for not having dealt with it already. wink

CountryGal13 Thu 01-Aug-13 23:08:56

My step daughter is the same age and i wouldn't be comfortable with that either. I'm sure it would be different if you were both his parents but, like it or not, step families are different. For the time being could you not stay at home on the nights he has his son? He's probably on the verge of puberty and won't want to share a bed with his dad for much longer anyway.

UC Fri 02-Aug-13 08:37:38

I read this thread yesterday and was quite surprised by the number of people who thought it was totally average and normal for a 12 year old to get in bed with his parents at 4.30 am, and then spend the rest of the night there. This isn't just getting in for a cuddle before you get up (which I completely get, I love this with my kids), it is moving bed in the middle of the night and going back to sleep somewhere else, in your dad's bed. To be honest, this is something I'd expect in a much smaller child, and it's what you see professionals like Tania Byron dealing with - children who won't stay in their own beds all night. Surely it's a problem if it's making the OP's partner tired the following day too?

Surely there is a difference between sleeping in your own bed all night and coming in for a cuddle at 7 am (or whenever getting up time is), and waking up at 4.30 am and spending the rest of the night in your parents' bed.

I also find it odd that the OP should be expected to get out of her own bed, and migrate into her partner's son's bed at 4.30 in the morning, because he doesn't want to stay in his own bed all night.

For me, all of the above apply in bio or step situations. The step situation here adds another dimension. I am a step parent. My DP is my DCs' step dad. I would be very uncomfortable with either my DCs or his DCs coming in at 4 am, and getting into bed with us for the rest of the night. If there's ever a nighttime problem with my DCs, I get up and go lie with one of them in their own bed for a while before going back to bed with DP. My DP's DS1 is 12, and I would be very very uncomfortable if he got into bed to sleep with us - as would DSS!

So OP, I think your only option is to talk to your DP, explain how you feel and see how he reacts. I think this needs to be addressed before you go on holiday.

Hulababy Fri 02-Aug-13 10:38:19

I would probably encourage 11y DD to go back to her own bed if it was the early hours(now DD is older I like my bed without being pushed and kicked and DD is a dreadful wriggler!) - but if she was properly upset or ill then I'd let her stay, and Dh would no doubt get up and go in her bed. When DH has had a night away from home then DD loves to be able to sleep in my bed! I'm happy for her to do so occasionally, and she is happy. I would have no issue for her to do the same with DH.

I do this a SP would be different though. However, what happens depends on several factors really. Could the DS being feeling a bit pushed out at the moment and that is why he is needing the extra comfort? It could be something that needs to occur very gradually - the getting him back in his own bed.

Kaluki Fri 02-Aug-13 17:21:14

I had a thread on here a while ago about my DSD trying to get in our bed. I hated it. We made a rule that nobody comes into our room before 8.30 unless for illness or emergency. Then if anyone wants cuddles then the other adult (usually me) gets up.
There is no reason why a 12 year old boy (stepchild or otherwise)should be disrupting the household at 430 am each morning.

JumpingJackSprat Fri 02-Aug-13 20:50:04

I haven't read the whole thread but OP i'm with you - 12 years old is way too old to be coming in at 4.30am unless theres a problem. My DSS is 5.5 and Dp has managed to get him to stay in his bed all night and he usually comes in around 7am for cuddles with his dad... which is fine because its not 4.30am when everyone should still be asleep!!

I may be in the minority but I would not "roll out of my bed" and into the 12 year olds because there is no physical reason why a 12 year old shouldn't remain in his own bed till a reasonable time in the morning and unless he is ill or there is a problem, no reason why he should be coming into the room and waking the adults up.

Frogcatcher Mon 05-Aug-13 17:46:21

I'm a SM to an 8 yr old & he has never come into our bed since DP & I have been together. He used to sleep with DP quite regularly before I moved in as they used to watch DVDs in bed but once me moving in looked likely DP put a stop to it (but linking it to him going to the big boys school & not me being there more frequently). On the rare occasion he is upset or can't sleep he comes in but then DP will stay with him in his room until he goes back to sleep again. I was worried about our first hols when I thought we would all be in the same room & he would want to sleep with us but in fact we had a sofa bed in a separate lounge & managed to bribe him to sleep there with the fact he had a tv! I don't think you're unreasonable to be uncomfortable with it OP & your DP needs to sort this out.

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