So pissed off with DH!!!

(62 Posts)
emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 15:56:12

Arrrr! Need to vent! My DH has to work on access day and I told him I'm not going to have the skids, its his time with them, not mine and to rearrange it so he can be with them. More to the point, I have a 7 month old who, at the moment is really hard work and I value the little bit of free time I get when he's asleep! (No family to have him for me so have only ever had a 4hr break from him when I was ill). Anyway, DH was going to take the skids out got a few hrs then drop them back to their mums so at least he saw them a little. He didn't really want to do the long drive and then have to find places to take them. Sooo...after a row and him making me feel bad I said we can have them tonight and I'd look after them tomorrow. This means I'm not on my own all day today and we can all have fun together. He's just called (after I'm thinking they are already quite late) and told me they have twisted his arm and is taking them to a fair!! I'm pissed off and feel I've been taken advantage of as now we won't have the time together (the whole reason they were staying) and I'm still going to have to have them tomorrow! Aibu? Maybe I am.

Petal02 Sun 28-Jul-13 16:08:40

YANBU. If he wants access, he should be available. What's the point otherwise?

needaholidaynow Sun 28-Jul-13 16:12:27

No you're no being unreasonable at all OP. As a step parent you shouldn't be taken advantage of, and you're entitled to have a bit of me time. I would have ended up giving in just like you did to be honest, and then been extremely mad at myself for doing so.

So is it you who's looking after them tomorrow, and were you also supposed to be looking after them as well if their dad hadn't have taken them out? Where's their mum?

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 16:15:11

Thanks petal, I was starting to feel like a right mean old cow. Dsd can be quite hard sometimes (as can any little girl) and I'm going throughout a thought time with my own ds sad I sooo need a break from him (feel guilty saying that) and now I have three kids to look after! DH is pissed off with me now, says I'm being childish.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 16:16:16

Their mum is at home, she's not the problem and happy to have them, it's DH who wants to see them

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 16:18:05

He collected them from rp and was going to drop them straight back, now they are coming hear so I will have them tomorrow.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 16:18:52

We can say rp can't we, wink

needaholidaynow Sun 28-Jul-13 16:24:06

That's what I don't get. The dad wants to see their children but then has to go to work, so In effect it's his partner having them isn't it? Which isn't fair to have that expectation of you.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 16:38:13

I always try to look for an "at least" and in this instance, at least he's a good dad that is actively involved with his dc (I'm still pissed off though).

needaholidaynow Sun 28-Jul-13 16:42:18

That's true smile

pinkbear82 Sun 28-Jul-13 16:47:05

Ah op, you have my sympathy. I'm dreading Thursday when my DP 2 dd come for 11 days. Dates all agreed etc etc, DP drops bomb that no he hasn't got time off of work..... I have our 7 week old dd to look after and now an 8 & 6 year old who will understandably want to spend time with their dad not me....

No solution for you, but just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 17:01:05

Pinkbear, I think it's you who needs my sympathies I've only got them for 2 days. It sounds so bad saying that, it's not that I don't get on with them, it's just I'm in dire need of "me time" sad. I think I'll take them swimming, they love that and so do I. Hmmmm

Petal02 Sun 28-Jul-13 17:45:20

A lot of dads seem to think that, providing their children are 'under their roof/on their watch' that access is actually taking place. It took me a very long time to convince DH that arranging to have DSS when he wasn't going to be around was very unfair on me. I call it 'access by proxy.'

I think these men forget they're no longer resident parents, and find it hard to accept that their new wife/partner is a NOT a default baby-sitter in the same way his ex was when they were still together.

pinkbear82 Sun 28-Jul-13 18:12:49

You are right petal.

Op if you can enjoy what you are doing with them it's half the battle. Enjoy the swimming and then maybe a treat of some sort after, that you can enjoy too of course!!

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 18:29:55

Yes, might go to the park after. DH is saying he will take dss to work with him but, in fact, dss absorbs a lot of dsd and would actually be better if he stayed with me so dsd won't be so clingy iyswim

theredhen Sun 28-Jul-13 18:40:44

Yep, seen dp send several e mails offering to have dsd4 for extra hours. All worded very nicely in that he wants to help her. How lovely. grin

Except I knew he would pick her up and then try and go out to work and leave her with me.

Sure enough that's what he tried. I pulled him on it and he took her out with him.

Really pisses me off that he will ask his ex nicely but not even think to ask me.

Actually I don't mind looking after her nowadays but it's not the point!

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 18:57:14

No redhen, you are right, it's not the point, you probably would have said yes if asked first, why is it we are the last to know what's going on....that's what also winds me up. It's not exp's fault either...many a time I've pushed DH to let her (ultimately me) know what the hell is going on when contact has to be re arranged! Then I'm told I'm nagging/interfering! I can't win!

pinkbraces Sun 28-Jul-13 19:29:23

Im confused - are you pissed off because you are having them tomorrow, or because he has taken them to the fair?

Either way I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill! Surely just by being part of a blended family you will have your DSC sometimes on your own, and sometimes, you, DH or all of you will do somthing off the cuff without being arranged. Thats a good thing, not something I would have thought warranted such hositility.

Petal02 Sun 28-Jul-13 20:40:06

But I still don't see the point in a father arranging to have his children over when he knows he won't be around. I don't invite friends/relatives over unless I'm going to be in!!!

It's another example of Step Family Insanity, which is basically bizarre behaviour that would never be considered/carried out/tolerated in a "together" family.

And if this isn't nipped in the bud it grows into Empty House Visiting - where the step child is encouraged to visit your home when everyone's out, just so that your DH can meet his 'target' of access hours each week. I used to think that access meant parent/child spending time together, but 'access' is actually the termed used to describe the days/nights that the child spends away from their mother's house. Whether Dad is present during this time is totally academic!

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Sun 28-Jul-13 20:46:59

pinkbraces it's a combination of both - OP agreed to have them tonight because they could all have time together today. That now hasn't happened, as they have gone off to the fair, and she will be looking after them on her own tomorrow when she had said she needed a break. (Correct me if I'm wrong OP).

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 22:40:50

you are right snazzy, its all of it.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 22:46:40

And yes, I will have them on my own when dh pops to the shop, but as I said, its HIS time with them, not mine... otherwise, what's the point?

Petal02 Sun 28-Jul-13 22:53:54

Emily, perhaps you could invite your mother/aunt/granny over for the day, then tell your DH that you're not available so he must entertain them .......

A day spent in the sole company of his MIL might make the penny drop, as its exactly the same principle as access by proxy.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:12:20

That would be great petal, only my mother and nan are both passed sad (hence the no family to take ds). But I understand your point and maybe should put that to him smile

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 28-Jul-13 23:22:33

I could sort of understand it if his access was 'set in stone' and their Mum was counting on her 'me' time (it's all part and parcel of being in a relationship isn't it, the give & take) - but when the situation seems flexible and their Mum would be happy for them not to come, I think your DH is being very selfish landing them on you when you are tired and are just about coping with your own baby. The fact that you are now landed with them isn't fair, simply because he didn't want to do the 'long trip' - very selfish of him.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:23:06

Also pink, I do not like doing stuff "off the cuff" and like to have a plan. I do not like to be put upon or a glorified babysitter and can't see how making someone do something they don't want to do is a good thing?! I will have fun with them as its not them I'm annoyed with. Off to go make my mountain now grin

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 28-Jul-13 23:23:10

Will you be allowed into your local pool with 3 kids? Mind you, one is 8 so you might be OK?!

Bonkerz Sun 28-Jul-13 23:26:47

Surely the step children will be spending time with their step sister?
I've been a stepmom for the past 11 years now. Dsd was 2 when I came into her life. She was 3 when me and dh got married. She comes every weekend regardless of if her dad is here or not. She also comes half of all holidays regardless of if her dad is working or not.
When I married dh I knew I also agreed to be responsible for dsd. I'm the main care giver to my other children and dsd is the same as them.
I can understand being annoyed that he has gone to the fair...he should have asked you along to but surely you understand that when you become a step mum you agree to take on that child or children as if they were your own. My dh doesn't know dsd shoe size or clothes size...I'm the one that does all that I even organise collection and drop off and holiday dates etc.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:28:28

Chip, it was arranged that we weren't going to have them at all and he would get them another time. All good with everybody, then he misses them (I understand that) and que the "I'm going to get them for a few hrs". Then "why can't you have them tomorrow and they stay tonight" ect! I've always said no to it....again, it's his time with them and I'm really struggling with ds.

Bonkerz Sun 28-Jul-13 23:31:15

I always feel I'm this situation that it should be consistency with the dsc. dsd knows she spends weekends with us and its been that way for 11 years now. It's very rare we have to change plans.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:33:39

Bonkerz, they are not my own. They have a mum for that and she is happy to have them all the time. I care for them, make sure they are happy and love that they see their half brother and love him. It's not them, it's the way DH played me

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:36:28

It's also rear we change, like I said. We were not meant to have them at all, then DH missed them and wanted to see them. It's a one and in the passed I've not blinked an eye, but with ds in the mix now it's hard.

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 28-Jul-13 23:36:51

Bonkerz - Gold Star smile It doesn't mean that Emily has to feel the same way you do... both attitudes are perfectly acceptable, neither right nor wrong. Emily is tired, fed up, struggling with her own DS, this situation was totally avoidable and her DH has been a prat and need a slap around the chops with a wet fish nappy will do just as well though.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:38:11

Rare

Bonkerz Sun 28-Jul-13 23:40:05

I don't want a gold star. I get the fed up thing. I have three other children. Eldest has autism and I work full time. But I accept that I Am mum to 4 kids regardless that dsd has another mum. When dsd is here she is my family.

Maybe now is the time to have the talk with dh. Tell him how you see your role as he obviously has a different view to you.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:41:06

grin chip, I love it when people say "love them like your own" and "surly you knew what you were getting into". I didn't know what I was getting into as I don't have a crystal ball! Nor did I know what I was getting into with my own ds!

Bonkerz Sun 28-Jul-13 23:45:03

Ok sorry if I offended anyone. I meant that when you marry someone with children you become responsible too. Obviously I'm in the minority. I apologise and leave the thread for you to all laugh at me and say I'm weird x x

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:47:39

Anyway Bonkerz, I thank you for your input, all input is valid, I only see myself as mum to one though, and if you asked my skids, they only have one mum, their mum.

emilyeggs Sun 28-Jul-13 23:48:39

No laughing hear, x

theredhen Mon 29-Jul-13 07:57:19

Bonkerz, I think you're attitude is very admirable but having read lots of step parenting books and visited this forum for years, I would say its an unusual one.

I don't think most step parents see their step kids as their own.

I don't understand why the dh hasn't got the time off work. I mean if he wasn't with anybody then he wouldnt see the kids at all. You can't just go expecting everyone else to do it just so he doesnt look bad for not actually being there.

Yabu for not wanting them there, after all step there are going to be times when you do have to have them on your own, surely that's part of being a step parent. BUT, yanbu for being annoyed that your dp does whatever he wants without thinking it through and expects someone else to pick up the slack. He should be arranging things to do and times when he can actually be there with them. It's a cop out to have the access but not actually take the time to do something properly.

pinkbraces Mon 29-Jul-13 09:02:00

Im with you Bonkerz - my DSC just fit in with the family, and thats how my friends who are in blended families work as well. I find the attitude of families who dont see themeselves as one quite strange.

Each to their own I suppose, shame for the kids

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 29-Jul-13 09:13:23

bonkerz and pink I can only assume that your DSC's "other mum" is comfortable and accepting of your appointment as an equal to her in her DCs lives?

Would you fulfil the same role if she wasn't? If she actively discouraged the DCs from relating to you and berated them when they did?

pinkbraces Mon 29-Jul-13 09:19:20

China - Im not an equal in my DSC lives compared to their mum, I didnt say I was - I said we fit in as a family, which means many things, one of which is that if my DH is not at home my DSS will come anyway - he likes the routine, and would feel quite put out if he felt unwelcome just because his dad wasnt at home.

I dont know how we, as a family would behave if the DSC mum actively discouraged the relationship as it hasnt happened, but I am not trying to take her place in the slightest.

We took this route at the beginning of our "blending" and it has worked for us.

ChinaCupsandSaucers Mon 29-Jul-13 09:32:50

I find the attitude of families who dont see themeselves as one quite strange.

pink So do you mean strange as in "odd" or strange as is "unfamiliar"?

Fairy130389 Mon 29-Jul-13 09:44:31

Bonkers, I am in your camp, however, I do understand and completely respect that others are different and I think if dsd lived with her mum I might feel differently.

Emily, since I have had my DS I am really struggling to care for very demanding 8 year old dsd at the same time and have (guiltily) packed dsd off to GP's for the week so do completely understand how you feel.

I think you need to lay some ground rules with dp, ie, you don't mind having them for a couple of hours here or there but you need to be asked first and the weekend should primarily be spent with him, etc.

P.s loving the acronym "RP"!

brdgrl Mon 29-Jul-13 09:47:48

My dh doesn't know dsd shoe size or clothes size...I'm the one that does all that I even organise collection and drop off and holiday dates etc.

Ah, see, I don't think this is only a difference about stepfamilies, but a different view of the role of dads and mums altogether. I would not be happy (in my own case) for my DH to leave all of that to me for our shared DD, let alone for the stepkids. I also know that I see lots of posts from mothers who think a stepmum would be seriously out of line to try and organise collections/handovers!

but surely you understand that when you become a step mum you agree to take on that child or children as if they were your own.

I didn't agree to anything of the kind, and my DH never asked that. It certainly wasn't in the vows I took, the laws don't support it, and none of the professionals we've ever spoken have recommended it. I think it may be appropriate in some households; it would be totally inappropriate in our own.

My stepchildren's mum is deceased, so I do almost all of the things she would have done, and my DH does too. But there is no question of my being obligated to do those things, and there is no question of my 'treating the stepchildren like my own'...they would resent that so much, even if it were possible it would not be desirable.

emilyeggs Mon 29-Jul-13 10:14:43

Wheresmy, I do have them on my own from time to time, like I sad, if DH pops to shop, or pops out for a few hours. But I had said I didn't want them for a whole day on my own, with my own (very demanding) ds. I enjoy there company very much and have a very good relationship with them and count myself luck. It's not about them though, it's the way DH forced my hand. Anyway, I have a very excited dsd hear waiting to go swimming to must see to that now. X

I did also say he was being unfair to not think things through and to expect someone else to do it for him. I do agree he shouldn't be reliant on you as ultimately he should be ensuring he gets to spend time with them. He does have to thing about all his family not just what he feels like.

emilyeggs Mon 29-Jul-13 10:59:13

Yes you did say that wheresmy, I just didn't want you (or anyone else) thinking I always refuse to be alone with them. X

There is obviously a very fine line between fitting them into family life with regards to time spent with both of you or just you and relying on you too much when he should be making the effort to get time off work or arrange them for days off. I hope you manage to figure it out. With regards to your baby, any chance you can get a baby sitter or get dh to take him out so you can rest. ? smile

emilyeggs Mon 29-Jul-13 13:13:26

Use I think DH can have him for a day, take him out somewhere, it's either that or I snap! wink Everyone need "me" time

emilyeggs Mon 29-Jul-13 13:17:09

*yes

emilyeggs Mon 29-Jul-13 13:59:18

*yes

troubledmum1234 Mon 29-Jul-13 19:22:01

In my experience step families seem to do this one of two ways. Either the biological parent takes full responsibity for the care of the step children (with regards to bei g present during contact) and the step parent "helps" when asked but doesn't feel responsible for them as such, or, both the bio parent and step parent take equal responsibility in a similar way to a "normal" family would with their children.

In our family my step children are here 50% of the time, is my partner is working then they are here with me, he doesn't ask me, I do the same as I would for my child and our child, the children are treated the same by both of us. This works for us and I wouldn't be able to be comfortable or happy if it was different.

Petal02 Mon 29-Jul-13 19:34:43

I think the point is that child care arrangements should be made by mutual consent, like Troubled who has an agreement which clearly works for her. . But when child care is landed on you, with no choice or right of appeal, that's when resentment starts.

theredhen Mon 29-Jul-13 19:40:28

We have regular contact times. If dp has to work unexpectedly or is busy ferrying other kids around, I do accept some of that "child care" of his kids fall to me. It's good for continuity for everyone.

What offends me is when my partner (like op partner ) arranges extra contact time and then isn't there!

I feel this is very unfair and not respectful.

needaholidaynow Mon 29-Jul-13 22:22:44

I have told my DP what my expectations are regarding me looking after his daughter. These are the following:

1) If DP is at work or whatever, I only look after her during the set days every week that she is meant to be here.

2) Any other day when it isn't his set days, particularly if I have plans, I don't want him ringing me telling me that his ex wants me to have DSD/ pick her up from school etc... And be expected to drop everything. I've told him that this will not happen. His ex knows I'm off, but I don't want her thinking I can be taken advantage of.

3) I've asked him that if he arranges to have DSD on any other day, that he makes an effort to be at home at some point that day. hmm

4) Let me know of any changes so I can plan ahead!!!!!

Petal02 Thu 01-Aug-13 15:27:03

Emily, how did it all pan out in the end?

emilyeggs Thu 01-Aug-13 18:12:05

Well, DH took dss to work with him leaving me with dsd. I took her swimming but don't drive so got the bus (you can walk it), not a problem, but my god dsd moaned about walking! She moaned from the bus stop the the pool, we had lots of fun in the pool although a tad stressful for me. Then I treated het to a wimpy. It's just up the road from the pool, and she sulked about walking there. We ordered out food but she was worried about the walk home even though at this point we had hardly walked at all and had food and a rest. When we got to the front door she informed me she was going straight in to rest! TBC.... Baby crying

emilyeggs Thu 01-Aug-13 18:46:43

When we got in I left her to it, she got some paper out and did some drawing, I joined in and all was well. I told dh that one day was enough for me. When DH and dss got home dss asked if they were staying another night as dss wanted to go with DH to work again. DH said they had to ask me! This put me in a very awkward situation as I had informed him I couldn't do another day babysitting but it would fall on me to be the one sending them home. Thankfully something happened and we all got side tracked. In the end dsd wanted to go home as she was missing mummy. DH took her home, she told DH on the way that she had had a nice day which I'm glad about. Dss is with us still and still going to work with DH. Dss happy, dsd happy, DH happy and their mum happy smile

Belle15 Sun 04-Aug-13 21:19:48

I agree withBonkerz here- my 4 year old SS comes whether his dad is around/busy or not as he is part of the family just as much as ourDD. I love and treat him as my own and whilst I can't deny the love for my own DD is a slightly different kind of love I would never act in a way that showed this or voice this.
When I met my partner I made a commitment to him and his son and would never dream of turning him away because his dad was out or busy.
Having said that obviously all situations are different and I don't judge OP at all- just wanted to back up Bonkerz that her viewpoint wasn't as rare as it is seeming

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