is the bm still 'in'with ur dp family?(92 Posts)
It pisses me off. She does everything to try and be in there.Shes like a dogs d**k. She's going his sisters today (who I have on Facebook) with her (and dp) kids. And now ill have all the pictures on Facebook to look forward to. Dp works so do I so when we do have the kids we take them out for the day so don't always have time to take them to see go round his sisters and dads. I know her kids are his sisters niece/nephew but it just pisses me off how she has to be in there especially when me and dp are not. (His family are mental/two faced have caused drama) so me and dp detach ourselves. Im dying to tell bm some of the stuff theyve said to me behind her back. Nasty things like she doesnt change her knickers or wash her hair etc but I wouldnt stoop that low and cause unnecessary drama but it's soooo tempting cos she thinks she's best mates with them when really they just slag her off behind her back.. I just cant wait til she drops a kid to her new bf and f**ks off! !
Not what you posted yesterday.
I take it you have had a bad day. This will not end well.
She doesn't give us any grief as in u can't see the kids she can't see the kids and all of that. She just likes to be in there she can still piss me off
BM? I hope to god you dont' mean Birth Mother beciase that is INCREDIBLY offensive, she is their MOTHER and BM is a term used when children have been adopted.
I can't even be bothered with the rest of it.
If his family are "mental/two faced" why do you care that she is friends with them?
If his family are "mental/two faced" why on earth do you have members as facebook friends?
Would you prefer your partners family just ignored her? What would be your ideal scenario?
If she 'drops a kid' to her boyfriend it will probably just serve to piss you off more when the baby also goes visiting your dps family.
You sound very jealous of her.
Saying birth mother is a bit off - I am my DCs mother - they haven't been adopted afaik.
I am sometimes in touch with XHs family - will be taking the DC there next week. I wouldn't want to be spending lots of time there as I'd feel awkward but also it is quite a distance away. You sound rather cross tbh
Its nice for the kids if they can see their cousins and extended family with their mother. That is in their best interests. They live with her, she will always be a part of your life.
Maybe this relationship is not for you. Step parenting is tough at the best of times and this really is a non issue.
If you are jealous of this, the future is bleak for you all.
Very immature. You will ( hopefully) realise one day when you grow up that this shit doesnt matter. It really doesnt. Let her do what she wants- even if it is in attempt to get at you ( doesnt sound like it is tbh) it can only get to you if you let it. Decide not to and get on with your life. You will feel so much hapier if you let go of this negativity.
I go and have coffee with my XMIL some mornings. I'd go with DS2 and take my DD who isn't her granddaughter.
I can't see the problem really. DS2 gets to see his Grandma and we have a nice chat and catch up.
If you want to be in a relationship with someone that already has children then you need to realise that the MOTHER of his children will always been in his life.
i think your being a bit unfair to the bm i get on very well with exdps family and do the same thing very often they invite me to family events i have even just recieved an invite to his sisters wedding.
I want my dcs to know both sides of their family and as you said you and ypur dp work so don't often have time to take them so if you don't like it perhaps you should have chosen a man who has a past plus baggage
I am asuming bm means babymother as that is what it means where i'm from and i find the term rude and very disrespectful its as if your sayin this women just slept with a guy and got pregnant vile.
Yanbu. Its always better for kids to grow up in hostile and nasty family environments.
Shitty post. Very selfish.
I thought bm was biological mother as in dc mam so I never thought that it was for when children are adopted and I think I'm just feeling shitty cos of the way dp family have treat dp and me. Were being pushed out n she (who they have told me repeatedly that they don't like her and have said something disgusting things about her) is going round pretending to be best mates. Its not about letting the kids see their family I understand that its the two faceness of it all
Let it go. It will eat you up. Just be glad for the children that they are able to have a relationship with all of their family all of the time.
your issue is with how you and dp relate with his family, not with how his ex does. Sort out that - you have some control over that at least.
I am a mum and a SM. And I still think you are being very unreasonable. Just because your dp and his ex split up does not mean that she can't have a relationship with his family.
I thought bm was biological mother as in dc mam
She is their real mother. You aren't any kind of mother, just their father's girlfriend, so no clarification of "mother" is needed.
You don't want to spend time with DP's family so it's nice that she takes the kids to see them - you don't have to.
You don't like either her or the family so why do you care if they are two faced about one another? It's no skin off your nose.
Try to focus on something more positive.
You are with someone who has had a family with someone else and you are going to have to get used to this kind of thing happening. The children will also grow up one day and you will have to mix with their Mum yourself. i think it might be worth having a long hard look at whether or not you can cope this/that and cut your losses tbh. This isn't about you or your dp or his ex, it's about the children and what is best for them
I'm guessing you're already booked to go on Jeremy Kyle.
Well really op then the two facedness is from his family and she is the one being duped to think they like her! You should feel sorry for her if thats the way thy treat her and you should be glad you arent getting smiles to your face and lies behind your back. It doesnt sound like shes doing anything wrong. As far as she knows these people like her.
Partners ex, his children's BM, still talks to his family. His parents even buys for the 3 kids she's had since she split up with him. The way I see it is they knew her for 15 years so it's not as if they can just cut her off. She's also the mother to their grandchildren so would never expect them to maintain a relationship with them but completely blank the mother, that's just plain disrespectful.
Just as longs they still treat you as your partners partner then I don't see what the problem is. I'm just grateful that my partners family are capable of maintaining relationships with exes (they're still in contact with BIL's ex and her children) regardless of circumstances - I don't want to have to deal with spiteful inlaws should we ever split!!
my parents were together for 20 yrs and when my parents divorced his whole family stopped seeing us
I think it's disgusting actually! I mean why would you DO that to someone (my dad had had many affairs btw, not my Mum)
I know everyone is right even the harsh ones. I just blow my top I get irrational and just blow n when I calm down and think I see sense. Let her go round n then they'll talk bout her behind her back. I just need to concentrate on me and dp and wommnot worry what other people are doing
Exactly. Dont get jealous- clearly she doesnt have the relationship she thinks she has with them and its certainly not a relationship you would want so nothjng at all to be jealous of.
Yes! You're right. I'm glad you've blown off some steam. She will always be around and, as another poster has already said, her spending time with the children and his family actually means you don't have to!
Oh thank god.....i have seen the term 'bm' used so many times on a different parenting forum and was shouted down for questioning whether it was appropriate or not.
I just assumed bm meant the mother of my step kids thats what I thought and apparently its really rude
It means birth/biological mother and is used when the child has no/no significant contact with that person and is raised by other people.
I seem to have wandered onto Nethuns
So please can someone clarify: which name do we used to describe the child's mother, as the term BM seems to offend some people?
If we said "bio mum" that would still have the initials of BM. But surely we need a non-controversial term so that we can distinguish between step mothers and The Woman That Has Given Birth To The Child In Question We're Sure She's A Very Nice Lady And Don't Wish To Offend.
Is TWTHGBTTCIQWSSAVNLADWTO a bit long winded??
It's fine to use the term 'mother' but when you've got a post that talks about blended families and the associated language, if you pre-fix 'mother' with an appropriate, non-offensive term, then it helps with clarity.
Mother, Mum, Mommy, Mater, Auld Dear, Ma, Maw, Mammy.
I do not understand why anyone needs a term for the dc's mum?!? She is their mum!! A stepmother needs a distinguishing title because she is not the mother. The mother does not need this!!
My exp had kids, they called me their step mum, I would never have referred to their mum as their 'birth mum'. That's ridiculous.
But sometimes it helps to clarify who's the step mother, who's the "real" mother, and so on. I don't think anyone set out to offend with the term "birth mother", but it clearly causes sensitivities so perhaps a suitable alternative could be found. Mind you, you'll never please everyone .....
Mother doesn't need a prefix!
Well isnt it the 'step' that's the clarifying bit?
I've got a father and a step father. In conversation I sometimes have to distinguish between the two otherwise I confuse people. Thats all.
Agree, that's what the 'step' is for!
"StepDCs' mum" covers it, I think
Petal its really not difficult- you say step father for your step father and father for your father. No- one would be confused by those terms- it makes it perfectly clear who you are talking about. Although i do know you like to stir when it comes to step issues.
No clarity is needed with blended families, the role of the mother is no different just because a step mum is involved.
BM used instead of
Mum because a step mum is involved is vile and unnecessary.
But some people ask me if I'm talking about my step father or real father. If I use the term "real father" I'm not insulting either men, it's simply a way to distinguish between the two in conversation.
In blended families, mother - or derivative- is the mother who gave birth ....so if a qualifying prefix is needed, then it would need to be for the person who did not give birth i.e. step-mother, second-mum
Best I have heard of is a friend whose
gaggle of six steps all call her Addy. Stems from their DF carefully explaining that "of course his new wife would not replace their mum...she would be like an add-on mum".
issues surrounding 'birth' mother/biological mother aside, I can partly see where the OPis coming from.
My dh's ex is still 'in' with his family, to the point where all my inlaws refer to her as their sil, dil, whatever, in my place (ie, I am not their sil/dil/whatever, because she is)
I am not at all bothered by her still being in contact with my inlaws, but it does annoy me that I am denied by them because they think they must have loyalty to her.
My bils have both said (on separate occasions) that their 'real' nephews/nieces are my stepchildren, and they do not count my children as relations.
which is just plain odd really.
and yes, it rankles slightly (only slightly, as I am not sure I want my children having much contact with people who hold such bizarre views, tbh) that there is a whole side of the family that do not accept my (and dh's) children.
Do you mean that your inlaws deny the kids you have with your DP, or do you have kids from before that they do not consider to be part of the family?
Why not just say father though petal?
me, Morris? I only have children with dh, so they deny children who are as related to them (via their son/brother/whatever) as the children they accept (my step children) are!
Oh right I thought people used it to refer to their step mother as in biological mam. So what is used to describe her then? Ex
Yes she is your partner's ex or your step dc's mum.
Hothereinnit at least someone understand. its not I have a problem with her taking the kids there its just cos me and dp are pushed out thats what irritating
I'm still very close to some of my ex's family. Why wouldn't I? I split with him not them? I even get on quite well with him too.
I think you need to calm down a bit and concentrate on getting on with his family yourself a bit more.
I agree with Petal it does get confusing for other people, my family is so blended I'm constantly having to explain who I'm talking about. Sometimes I refer to my brother as my brother and people say you don't have a brother so I have to let them know I mean step brother. have 3 half sisters. My step dad referred to his step dad as plastic dad and his real dad as real dad! Most of the people in my family I'm not actually related to ha ha!
But unless you come from one you probably wouldn't get it?
I 'get' that i am my dcs' mum. Not one of their mums like you can have more than one brother so it would need clarification. No-one is going to say to my dcs ' you dont have a mum' if they hear them talking about their mum. Its really not hard to get. They have one mum. The person married to their father is their step mum. No confusion there. I dont need an addition to my name to save shit stirrers from getting confused.
Yeah but people don't always know that! So many people think my step dad is my dad and refer to him as my dad. But he isn't my dad, although has been around a really really long time. So I always have to clarify who I am talking about. I also tend to say my real dad (insert first name) or my step dad (insert first name) people get confused and assume I come from a 2 parent home.
And it's nothing to do with shit stirring is it, it's just coming from a confusing family background!
But if you always refer to him as stepdad and your dad as dad then there is no room for confusion is there? If people mistakenly think he is your dad you just correct them dont you? People often think my dad is mu sons' dad as he doesnt look his age. He just corrects them and says he's their granda. No need to start referring to their dad as 'real' dad
I do see where you're coming from and I don't think of my mum as my real mum or my dad as my real dad. But you spend so much time explaining who is who to people you do start giving people labels to make things easier. So for example this is my step dads step brothers step daughters step child starts to get annoying at family gatherings! So in my head I do just label everyone as real and step (also use rental) lol! So this is my rental cousins step child! If that makes any sense to you??
I refer to my partners childs mum generally by her first name or partners daughters mum. Maybe families should all stay together as mine is getting too big and I'm confusing myself!!!!
I know how you feel OP, DSCs M is always there DD, me and my DCs (their DGC) are not even regarded as family. But her new DCs from new relationship are treated better than mine, they never liked me (I don't know why, I made every possible effort) but feel my DCs are being cut out of there lives as they dislike me
Your OP is utterly revolting.
Why would you want to be 'in' with two faced back stabbers?
I don't understand why you would call her their 'birth' mum as though you've taken over her mother role... she is still their mother. Thankfully it sounds like the rest of the family have a little more respect for her as the mother of their nieces/nephews/grandchildren than you do.
i think maybe its because you seem to need to box everyone into 'real' or 'step' (rental is actually quite hurtful! do your step family like being called 'rental' family?). also, do you really spend that much time discussing your family set-up to people who don't already know it? I generally refer to people by their name and if people want to know who that person is in relation to me or my dcs I just say "oh that's my uncle" or "that's the boys' stepmum" but really I don't tend to have conversations about their stepfamily with people who don't already know our family. i.e; close friends or family.
Oh heck, I didn't know this either.(but I do now) I'm sure the op didn't mean to offend.
Sometimes a prefix is helpful. I do not think the OP's choice means anything other than that she was ignorant of the unwritten MN prohibition.
Keep in mind that some stepmums do play a massive parenting role. I have 'mothered' my DSS for the last five years. I am not his mother, but I act as his mother in many ways. I always refer to myself as his "stepmother", never his mother, and I have never referred to his mother as his BM. That works for us.
But in point of fact, some step-parents are 'real' parents to their children. It may offend some people to see "BM", but some of the phrasing of the arguments against it, is just as offensive.
rental actually comes from a cartoon my brother and I used to watch. we do discuss it last Christmas had the same argument with my brother that I am not his sister in law but step sister when he was introducing everyone to his gf. I have told him so many times now that it is not sister in law lol. my nan always agrees with him.
I say "DSD's mum".
I find the whole "step-mum" "second-mum" "bonus-mum" thing a bit distasteful really.
I have a "step-dad", and he has been in my life since I was 12 years old. I am 23 now, and not even once in the past 11 years that I have known him and been in the same family as him have I ever referred to him as my "step-dad". He has always been known to me as my "mum's partner". Nothing more nothing less. It is just how I view step families; they are indeed family but I do not see the need to see them as dads, mums, daughters, sons, grandparents, etc...
At the end of the day I am not my mum's partner's daughter am I? So why would I call him dad and why would he refer to me as a daughter? I know who my parents are and he knows who his child is. Even at the age of 12 I didn't want to pretend I was an inherited daughter.
This mindset does extend to me and my own "step-daughter". Only on MN do I ever refer to her as my step-daughter. In RL I call her my partner's daughter. I bumped in to a friend from my old work the other day, who I haven't seen in a few years and I was with my DP, my two DSs and my DSD. She was asking me are all 3 of them mine, and I said the boys are and this is my partner's daughter. That is who she is, and in RL I have never once referred to her as my step-daughter or myself as her step-mum. I'm her dad's partner. We are both of a strong family unit but we don't need to to see ourselves as a bonus mum and daughter.
Maybe I have always had a very distorted view of step parenting, but I think people should remain very loyal to their actual parents/ children. My mum ran off with her current partner and I have taken to step families very well, which is why I often question myself just why I chose a man with a child. I wasn't prepared to call my mum's partner "step-dad" because to me I would be betraying my dad. I don't want my partner's daughter to refer to me as "step-mum" because I am not her mum and the connotations that come with this are that I am some sort of second mum and I find this very negative. Why can't I be seen as a friend figure and be referred to as her dad' partner who she can look up to rather than another "mum"?
* I haven't taken to step families very well
You sound like a fish wife! Jealousy ain't cute.
needaholiday, I think I understand what you are saying and if it is right for you, then it's right!
What I see over and over again (online, anyway) is people thinking that there is just one way of getting along in a stepfamily...that ones where people love one another and feel 'like family' are faking it or in denial...or ones that have a more distanced way of relating (or naming) each other are cold and not 'real' families...that women who play an active role in their stepchildren's lives are overstepping or asking for disloyalty....or ones who remain disengaged from their partner's childrens' lives are cruel or misguided...
My DH's dad was married three times, so my DH has two 'stepmothers'. And now I am a stepmother. My SIL is a stepmother. Each of those stepmothers exists in a completely different relationship to their partner's children than the other. Each is still part of our family.
Also I never referred to my "step-dad's" parents as Grandma/Grandad. They weren't and never will be. They've gone on and on about how they don't want me to inherit anything from them and I've repeatedly said I do not want anything especially at their own grandchildren's expense!
They've gone on and on about how they don't want me to inherit anything from them
Why on earth do they do that? Even if they don't intend to leave anything to you, it's a bit icky to keep banging on about it!
needaholiday 'distasteful' is a rather emotive word.
It may not be the way your family operates, but please accept that 'step' parents are sometimes far more than just a parents partner.
Oh I don't know. They are very strange people lol.
You are so right though, everyone works differently and there is not just one concrete way of running a step family. 9 times out of 10 we are happy here, and that is mainly because we all know our roles and where we fit in to the family. If I referred to my DsD as my bonus daughter then I would be living a lie. She is part of my family but i see her as a friend and I am a shoulder to cry on, a confidant, a positive female figure.... just not a mum.
Others are so different though and I respect any choice they make, no two step families are the same!
I take that back Lula, and I apologise. I was trying to to think of a way to express it and it just came out wrong. Maybe it should have been along the lines of "not my choice" or something like that.
As I said above all step families are different, and I can fully understand why some see themselves as a mother/father figure
I didn't mean to offend.
I have been surprised how upsetting the term 'birth/bio-mum' is to many on mumsnet. I have used it myself, when wanting to talk in general terms about the dynamics of blended families, and honestly never meant any disrespect or belittling of the mother's status, but rather was just trying to be clear as possible when distinguishing between stepmothers (who may also be mothers themselves) and their partner's ex/DSS's mum...sometimes posts get so full of acronyms and keeping track of whos who in blended family posts can be hard!
I have no axe to grind at all with my DSS's mum, there are absolutely no problems between us and I do not have visions of being a 'second mother' to DSS or anything like that. So I would have never made a post using the term 'birth mother' to disparage her or indeed 'mothers of children who also have stepparents' generally (see that is an example of where its hard to find a suitable term to say what I mean, and I would be tempted to use the the taboo term).
But anyway I upset another poster so much once by using that term in what I thought was a non-offensive context that I had to really take a step back from mumsnet for a while because the whole thing really shook me up and made me feel bad. So now I don't use it any more.
In any case I have never / would never see the need to use it in real life, it's just handy for the internet where text based communication is more limiting and you're trying to be as clear as possible to a bunch of strangers.
Precisely I would never refer her in real life its either the kids mam or her real name. I thought bm was meant as just as in my step kids mam. Didn't know there was such a big hu ha over it
There is just no need to use the phrase unless its in the proper context. You don't see the mum of a childs school friend being referred to as their BM. It's their mum. Same thing. The ex is the child's mum. Plain and simple. And their Dads new partner is step-mum if that term is used by them. Mum remains as mum. Like I said, I see no need to use BM at all.
And in the same way- you dont see children being referred to as 'birth children' or 'real children'. It is enough to refer to them as dcs and everyone knows who you are talking about.
OP could have replaced 'bm' in the thread title with 'DP's ex' or 'DSC's mum' but not just 'mum' as it wouldn't be immediately clear if she was referring to her DP's mum or her dsc's mum or her DP's ex's mum or her own mum or whatever. BM is shorter and easier to write than any of the other possibilities and to me when discussing blended families, makes it clear you are talking about a partner's ex who is the mother of your partner's children.
But I accept that the term has negative connotations for many, so would now probably write 'DSC's mum' myself.
No of course it wouldn't have made sense to just use mum in the thread title. It is really not difficult for the sake of a few extra letters to write dp's ex or dsd's mum. I have never felt the need to call dsd's mum anything other than that on here. BM is a non-existent term to me when I've talked about her. It's odd to use it and I've never felt it unwieldy to use dsd's mum instead.
I take your point, tuck. Am just trying to explain how I see it myself and why it doesn't always seem odd to me. Going through two degrees of separation 'DSC's DM' or 'DP's ex' sometimes seems a little unwieldly in certain posts especially when used repeatedly. Having established though that bm is not acceptable, I wonder if there are any other similarly short acronyms that could be acceptably used...but none spring to mind.
Anyone else really feeling sorry for these children apart from me. Good go, their parents have split and their DF's new girlfriend doesn't want them to go round and see their GP's and family.
OP, perhaps their "Mum" just goes round because she likes it. Perhaps she has other things going on in her life and she doesn't think about you 24/7.
To answer the original OP, my DP's ex is still on good terms with his parents, but since they live hundreds of miles away its kind of a non-issue. However, she sometimes spends the night at theirs when she drops DSS off there for a stay, and I know she Skypes with them (mostly for DSS's benefit though, obviously). We are all on good terms and so sometimes all have an Xmas dinner together if we're all in the same geographical area at Xmas.
I do feel very conscious of her relationship with them on the rare occasions when we're all together, and feel I have to make an extra effort to be charming and nice to DP's parents so they don't wish DP was still with her. Silly, now I see it typed out! Especially as I don't WANT to be any closer to DPs parents than I already am! I am fine with our polite, friendly relationship as it is...
In any case, I would certainly never verbalise these feelings or suggest to her or DP that she shouldn't be staying in touch with them. Its just a little irrational and occasional flare of jealousy that I have to deal with on my own...
I doubt your dp's ex is going round to be "best mates" with them - probably doing the grown up thing of enabling a relationship between her children and their extended family. Am sure there are better things she would like to be doing than spending it with her exdp's twatish family.
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