someone talk some sense into me..

(30 Posts)
NewStepmammy Mon 15-Jul-13 22:46:06

i am going out with someone that has two children, one boy 3 and a girl 4. i have no children myself. When i first went out with him this wasnt problem as i didnt think it was a big deal but now as the relationship goes on (2 years) im starting to realise it is. we only see them once a week but ive started to realise that me and my boyfriend are going to be doing everything first with his and his exs children first. little things like taking them to the park,bathing them, buying toys all the kids stuff first and i just feel robbed. When i have kids we'll have done everything, all the boy things with his ds and all the girl things with his dd. whats going to be left for me and my children? i worry incase by the time me and my dp have kids that we'll have done everything and he wont be as excited as he is now when playing with his kids cos he'll have done everything. i just feel with him having a boy and a girl he wont be as excited when our kid comes along. ive tried to talk to him but he shrugs it off saying im being daft. i just get down at the thought of im doing everything with some other womans kids that i should be doing with my own. can someone please talk some sense into me..?

JumpingJackSprat Mon 15-Jul-13 22:50:22

Im same as you i have a 5yo dss all i can say is any future children i have will be totally different personalities. Dss says he loves me and we have a great time so it reassures me i would be a good mum to my own because ive had "practice". Dont worry about doing firsts as each child will have their own firsts - just have fun with them!

emilyeggs Mon 15-Jul-13 22:59:21

I totally understand, I have a dsd & dss the youngest is six. I use to think DH would not be excited for ours and I spoke to him too, (I also didn't want to hear "we'll when my two were babies I did such and such like this). He also told me I was being silly. He was totally right, every child is different with different personalities, needs and wants. I have a ds now, he's six months and DH is fab with him and thinks he's amazing. I also now realise DH will be doing stuff with ds that he will miss out in with his own dc....the little day to day things.

NewStepmammy Tue 16-Jul-13 00:19:47

Thanks I do understand I know with him seeing his two once a week he'll do a lot more with our future kids but it still gets me down a bit and worried that he won't find it as new n ex with our kids cos weve done it all with hiss two

stepmooster Tue 16-Jul-13 07:20:22

DH has 1 son and 1 DSS and DSD from a previous marriage who were babies when he first met them. We're about to have DC2. If you could've seen how just 5 minutes ago DH has been bouncing round the room with his socks on his hands as puppets getting our DD ready for nursery you'd realise its not important how many children your DP already has its whether he wants to have more children.

If he is happy to be a father again, knowing what he already does about raising kids and is already a loving devoted father then I would count your blessings! Its been fantastic living with someone who knows what he is doing when at the beginning I didn't have a clue.

I don't think there is a finite amount of daddy's love that must shared around. Each child is loved the same.

Plus DSS being older is actually very good at playing with DD which gives us both snatches of time to do other things like sit down and have a cup of tea.

Yes there are challenges and fears with having step children already but it can work out alright smile

christmaspudetc Tue 16-Jul-13 09:35:14

You shouldn't worry smile My DP has 2 children from a previous relationship, and we now have our own DC. He loves all of them the same and gets excited about each of them the same. They each have their personalities as mentioned in other posts.

Look at the positive: your own child will have the benefit of an experienced father, and two older siblings that will probably adore your child, and your own DC will have the day to day stuff to enjoy as well.

NewStepmammy Tue 16-Jul-13 10:31:41

My dp does want more children hes told me this that he can't wait for us to have children so he can be a full time dad again and a stable family life. He says obviously he loves his children but it feels more like babysitting we only see them once a week so I know when I have children it will be. I just can't get the resentment to go away. I see him with his kids and think there going to get every thing first im just scared incase the novelty goes when mine come and I don't want them to take the shine away when I have children

UC Tue 16-Jul-13 10:59:46

Sorry, this may sound harsh, but I think you need to try and stop feeling sorry for yourself. When you have kids, there is no reason why your partner won't be excited about them. He'll see them every day for a start, and that in itself will be much better for him.

I think you need to give yourself a good kick up the bum, and get on with enjoying the time with your DP and SDCs. As Christmaspud says, look at the positive. If you keep this resentment going, I can imagine your DP's post on here:

"My DP doesn't want to do anything with my children, she thinks they're going to get everything "first", before any children we may have together. I know I'll love my children with her just as much as the children I have already, but how do I get her to see that?"

If you don't your resentment will drive a wedge between you and your DP, and you may not have those children to worry about.

If you feel that robbed taking your SDCs to the park and having baths, then IMO you need to find yourself a man who has no kids. Sorry.

I speak as a SM to 2 DSCs, so I am definitely NOT one of the "you made your bed now lie in it" brigade. I understand how hard and difficult step parenting can be, but you need to decide if you can get over this resentment.

NewStepmammy Tue 16-Jul-13 11:51:08

Your right UC and I know u are. My dp says to me stop feeling sorry for myself. I know I should be thinking of what I could have rather than what I don't have. I love taking the kids to the park etc but I just worry that when we do it with our own it won't as new/novelty for my dp as hes already done it all before. I just want to have a children and they get treated with all the newness as they would be someones first I deserve that n so does any children I have

UC Tue 16-Jul-13 13:32:18

Honestly, your DP is right.

The times with your children WILL be special, they will be the first time you have done those things with THAT child. You will see THAT child's enjoyment from it, and THAT child's love.

Even for your DP, these things will be new, he won't have done it before with your joint children.

Please put this to one side, and enjoy what you have. Maybe start thinking you are lucky that you can practice on these children! You can hone your park/bathing techniques so that when your own children arrive, you won't be a novice without a clue!

needaholidaynow Tue 16-Jul-13 13:38:20

OP, I can completely understand your feelings, I really can. But we all know it's all in your head. Any children he has with you will still be his children. They will be unique, and will have their own lives, and most importantly for you, YOU will be their mum. That is a whole completely different relationship than the one with your DSCs. They will be YOUR children. All those "firsts" you had with your stepchildren you will realise that it is nothing compared to the first with your own children.

My DSD's first day at school was a big day, but I didn't feel those wonderful "proud mummy" feelings and think about her all day. It hasn't ruined it in the slightest for me, because I know that when my own children start school that will be something very different to me and much more special.

I remember when I was pregnant with DS1 in the early stages, and feeling very emotional. I was having the same worries as you, and I said to my DP:

"If I lose this baby you won't be bothered as you have your daughter."

He was really upset because although he had a daughter, THIS one was ALSO his child and he wanted to be a father again.

Don't worry OP, please. It will eat you up. Your children with your DP will be just as special to him, and all of those firsts you have with them that your DSC have done already will have an extra special touch to them smile Because they are your children.

ReginaPhilangie Tue 16-Jul-13 13:50:47

Try to think of it a different way. Instead of getting a scared first time dad who hasn't a clue about kids, you'll be getting an experienced dad who knows exactly what he's doing and can be as hands on as you. You can get his support in a way that a first time dad wouldn't know how too. You've already seen how good a dad he is to his existing children so you know what you're getting yourself into. You know he'll stick around for your children and do all the things dads are supposed to do (even of things don't necessarily work out between you) because he's already doing that for his existing children.

My DSD is a grown up now but I can't tell how helpful it was to know what type of dad DH was going to be before having my own dds. It also gave me some experience with kids before I had my own. And when dd1 was eventually born DSD was a massive help.

UC Tue 16-Jul-13 14:23:08

Listen to all these sensible people OP! They are so right. When I think back to having my first DC, when my (now ex) DH and I had no clue what we were doing, and were getting all stressed about feeds, sleeps, what the baby should be doing, what we should be doing, you'll have the advantage of a partner who knows what it's like, and who has a proven track record as a good dad.

However, only you can do this, only you can change your mind set. Start thinking positive, and tell yourself to stop when you go on that downward spiral. Because the downward spiral will lead nowhere but down, while if you concentrate on the positives, you will start seeing how lucky you are.

Good luck!

emilyeggs Tue 16-Jul-13 14:26:43

Uc, by the time my ds came along my DH had forgotten most of it, and some things I wanted to differently so it was new to both of us grin

Jan45 Tue 16-Jul-13 17:06:28

I can understand your feelings, it's normal to feel like that but honestly it doesn't mean he will love you and his kid(s) any less. Yes he's done it before but so what, just means he will be more experienced next time round, you need to get out that negative mode and get positive - you love him, he loves you, he'll love your children - end of.

PrettyPaperweight Tue 16-Jul-13 17:13:54

I just want to have a children and they get treated with all the newness as they would be someones first I deserve that n so does any children I have

But your DP has two DC's, am I right? So, if what you say is true, and the novelty wears off for parents after they have one, then his second DC will be missing out on being treated with all the newness, just like you think your own DC's will?

You obviously have very strong feelings about this - perhaps counselling will help you come to terms with them - but if you don't, I honestly can't see a future for you with this man. He is a Dad, that is part of who he is. A good Dad will never consider time with his DC's as babysitting - he is their parent, and no matter how little time they spend together, he will be just as important to his existing DC's as he will be to any DC you have together. Any child you have with this man will have to share their Dad with their half-siblings, just like his existing DC's have to share their Dad with each other.

NewStepmammy Tue 16-Jul-13 17:25:25

I wouldn't mind counselling but its too expensive and wouldn't even know where to look. He loves his kids but he admitted to me that he didn't help his ex with them (she tried to trap him) so he didn't chip in so I think that side will be new for the both of us. My dp knows theres his children but at the same time he knows there family is with their mam n step dad now and he has them once a week so that why he has said babysitting. I know if me and my dp had kids and we split up he'd look after them no matter what. He was really down when his ex fell pregnant as he wanted to leave her (which she knew) so even overcoming that hes never treat his ds any different. I may be selfish but I want what ajy lass wants and thats the best for me and my future family and I don't want me or my kids to get any one elses sloppy seconds

PrettyPaperweight Tue 16-Jul-13 17:31:04

Sloppy seconds?!?!?!

He doesn't sound much of a catch really - by all means go ahead and have a baby by this man, but don't kid yourself that he'll be a good father - he's had the chance to be a decent parent and has absolved himself of that responsiblity.

NewStepmammy Tue 16-Jul-13 22:00:45

Hes a really good father actually. He was seeing her fora while on and off and because his ex wanted to move in with him and he wouldn't..she decided to stop taking the pill behind his back. Her plan worked they moved in n he tried to make it work for the sake of his dd but it wasnt working and she knew it. So she tried to trap him again stopped taking the pill and fell pregnant but this time he wasnt having any of it and split up with her. These women who trap men with kids qre vicious the creatures and a million men would have turned their back on her but he doesn't. He loves his kidd and oays for them so don't be so quick to make judgement when u don't know the full story

brdgrl Tue 16-Jul-13 22:22:18

To be fair, you just said that he didn't chip in before, because of his anger with his ex for 'trapping' him. That doesn't sound good. He's said he "didn't help his ex with them" - well, can you see that this is terribly, terribly unfair to the kids who were deprived of his parenting?

I hope that he has learned and matured, and that you have a very different man now. Good luck.

brdgrl Tue 16-Jul-13 22:24:34

By the way - You can access free or sliding-scale couples counseling through Relate. They'll probably have a bit of a waiting list. We had to wait about four months, I think.

NewStepmammy Tue 16-Jul-13 22:28:11

Yeah of course he is. He admitted he found it out when she had their dd at that time in his life he wanted to go out all the time. Since he has met me he has settled down and matured a lot. He never had a chant to do anything with his ds cos he wasnt with her but he has told me that he can't wait to settle down with someone he loves and plan a family and chip ib and do the night feeds and do everything I wouldn't even think about having kids with him otherwise

cloudpuff Wed 17-Jul-13 00:26:11

How come he was having unprotected sex with someone who he wanted to leave and according to him, had already trapped him. Doesn't add up.

From what you have said everything will be new if you both have kids as he hasn't pulled his weight with his first. I wish you the best of luck as it sounds like you may need it.

The sloppy seconds comment was awful btw.

PrettyPaperweight Wed 17-Jul-13 06:47:36

My dp knows theres his children but at the same time he knows there family is with their mam n step dad now and he has them once a week so that why he has said babysitting

If your DP has changed and is now a responsible, committed Dad, then he can change this.
Why does he only see his DCs once a week to babysit? Is there a contact order? Why doesn't he apply to the court to increase it? Why is he happy for another man to fulfil his role in their life? He could, and arguably should, be working hard to become an equal parent to their Mum, not sitting back saying "well I made mistakes and its too late now."

Being a Dad is a lot more than paying up - and from whet you've said, he's not taking the opportunity to put things right.

NewStepmammy Wed 17-Jul-13 19:20:58

He isnt thrilled about another man seeing his kids kore than he does but he accepts thats how it is. He only has them once a week cos he works nighshifts and works every weekend. the kids live 30 mins away which makes it difficult to get them to nursery during the week.
And secondly he did want to leave her but its easier said than done when he has a dd which he loves and didn't want to leave. As far as he knew she was in the pill. And also this isn't coming from him. The bm has sent him texts which he has shown me how she stopped taking her pill cos she the thought having another kid was going to solve their problems
And thirdly I don't see how any of this has got to do with the original post but hey ho

PrettyPaperweight Wed 17-Jul-13 22:58:36

I could type a long, reasoned reply, but it's just too hot!

he did want to leave her but its easier said than done when he has a dd which he loves and didn't want to leave. As far as he knew she was in the pill.

Staying with someone doesn't make them pregnant even if they're not on the pill. Having sex with them does. Your BF had sex (presumably repeatedly) with a woman he wanted to leave.

TBH, it sounds like you and your BF are made for each other - let's hope you are right and he does treat you and your DC well when you split hmm

welshfirsttimemummy Thu 18-Jul-13 09:23:13

I totally understand how you feel. I have a 5 year old DSD and even had a few teary conversations with DH about me worrying he won't find our children special or as exciting as he already had one. But then I thought, if I had more than one child would I not find each one as exciting as the last? And I realised I was being silly and that really helped grin

LJL69 Sun 21-Jul-13 13:52:12

My DH had 3 kids pre our DD arriving. You have no idea how nice it was to have someone there who knew what they were doing particularly in first few weeks. I was really anxious and it made it far easier for me to relax a bit and enjoy DD. He was really excited about DD's arrival too

NewStepmammy Mon 22-Jul-13 23:05:37

Prettypaperweight If you had read my comments before that u would know I said 'they both were unhappy but tried to make their relationship work for the sake of their dd'. So if your going out with someone and your trying to make your relationship work...why would you not hve sex with them? If your trying to make it work? Doesn't make much sense does it. He tried to make it work they both did and she chose to stop taking the pill behind his back and bring another child into a rocky relationship. My dp is not a mind reader he had no idea that she would do that. And like I said this is not just coming from him ive seen it come from her. I don't have any sympathy with women who try and trap men with children. Its disgusting

mumandboys123 Mon 22-Jul-13 23:23:10

I'm sorry but I have to say it......how could you know and he would say that, wouldn't he?

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