whats normal with your kids?

(38 Posts)
superbagpuss Sat 22-Jun-13 11:52:10

I've been reading posts on here as I was a child of divorced parents

is it normal for your DSC to have room in your house when they do not live there all the time

I had a room with my dad as I lived there permanently

when visiting my mum - every second weekend
and a week in the summer - we were expected to sleep on camp beds in the lounge or in siblings beds if they were not there
we never kept any of our stuff there as my siblings would use it/ break it or mum would throw it out

I grew up feeling a guest/ nuisance in my mums house and thought this was normal as well did not live there

is this the same for anyone else?

NatashaBee Sat 22-Jun-13 11:53:53

I think most people try and have a room/ stuff for the DSC at the NRP house, although not always possible due to the cost of housing.

TrinityRhino Sat 22-Jun-13 12:02:37

I dont feel that what you experienced was normal

my dss has a room of his own but if we didnt have the room for that he woukd still have a half room that would be his. he could and does leave his stuff here etc

<hugs>

Xalla Sat 22-Jun-13 13:10:05

My DSD has her own room, decorated for her and filled with her stuff. She's with my DH a lot though. We have another baby on the way and have now run out of bedrooms but DSD still won't share. We didn't think it was fair for the eldest to have to share with the youngest so we're giving the biggest room to our DD2 and she will share with the baby.

Petal02 Sat 22-Jun-13 13:39:03

I agree that what's ideal isn't always affordable.

With us, DSS (who stays 2 nights per week) has his own room where he can leave his belongings. He starts Uni in September, and at that point I'll turn the room into a nice guest room (it needs to be fumigated first!) which obviously DSS can still use if he's around during the holidays.

Kaluki Sat 22-Jun-13 15:00:30

We don't have enough rooms for them all to have a room each and priority goes to my two who live here. But when DSC stay we all swap around to make room for them.
DSS and DSD have wardrobes and toy cupboards here and their stuff isn't touched when they are at their mums.
As a kid I used to sleep on a sofa bed at my dads as they had a poky one bedroom flat. It was ok though - I never felt unwanted. It was never meant to be my home that was at my mums.

purpleroses Sat 22-Jun-13 16:16:12

My DSC have rooms with us - though one DSS shares with my DS. My DCs don't really have rooms at their dad's though as his flat is too small. They do leave stuff there, have permanent beds and refer to it as home though. So it's possible to make a house you only visit at weekends into a home even if you don't have space for your own room.

lunar1 Sat 22-Jun-13 17:28:49

I had the same experience as you op, to the point where if I even left my toothbrush out I my bag when staying for a few days, the step bitch would hide it away within a minute of me leavin the bathroom.

We had nothing in that house and slept on the sofa, the spare room was a music room fgs!

When I was 13 and my brother was 10 she gave him an ultimatum her or us and the bastard chose her. Seen them twice in the last 20 years. She has done well for herself now and is quite a well known face in local politics where they live.

I often have nice dreams about exposing the pair of them, apparently they couldn't have children even though they tried desperately for years.

ChasingSquirrels Sat 22-Jun-13 17:30:37

My dc's both have a room at their dads (2 nights a week and approx half holidays).

superbagpuss Sat 22-Jun-13 17:50:07

I haven't seen my birth mother for over ten years
dh has never seen her

she is weak, her husband is a piece of work

Petal02 Sat 22-Jun-13 18:45:36

as a kid I used to sleep on a sofa bed at my dads as he had a one bed flat. It was ok though, I never felt unwanted, it was never supposed to be my home, that was at my mums

Good point Kaluki. I think lots of children quite happily consider mums house as 'home', and Dad's house as somewhere they visit. There's nothing negative about that, I think a lot of people who view the place where they spend the majority of time as 'home'.

Frikadellen Sat 22-Jun-13 18:58:16

I used to mind but I think it was the blatant favouritism shown too in my case.

My father remarried and his new wife had a dd who didn't live with them. She had a room in my dad and his wife's house. My sister and brother who lived there also (obviously) did.. I slept in the junk room. even when the other girl was not there.. So there was this beautifully made up room for 1 child and me sleeping on a uncomfortable bed in a room that smelt of shoes..

when my siblings came to stay with us they slept in the other bunk of my room and I was expected to share all.

Petal02 Sat 22-Jun-13 19:09:01

I certainly don't think you can 'reserve' an empty room for a child who is non-resident if it renders other children having to be uncomfortable.

superbagpuss Sat 22-Jun-13 19:10:03

petal02 can we say parent they lived with?

as my mum left home to live with her om I feel a little sad when it is assumed DC live with mum

my dad did a great job as a single dad until I got an amazing step mum

Petal02 Sat 22-Jun-13 19:20:17

Fair comment Bagpuss.

needaholidaynow Sat 22-Jun-13 19:41:48

I had a room of my own at both my mum's and my dad's as I was growing up.

I had the room at my dad's that I always had from birth and my brother had his own room.

At my mum's, from the age of 12 I had my own room and my brother had gone in to the Army. He was by that point an adult so he wouldn't have slept at my mum's anyway.

As for my Stepdaughter, she doesn't have a room of her own and shares with DS1. We will be moving house in to a 3 bed house at some point when i am back at work, and DSs will share and DSD will have a room of her own.

Ss doesn't have his own room, he shares with ds, but there's no way round that atm. He does have a proper bed, chest of drawer and storage for his stuff ( not really toys anymore).

Mycatistoosexy Sat 22-Jun-13 19:53:28

DSC stay EOW but they have their own room. We only have two bedrooms so DS has to sleep in with us

needaholidaynow Sat 22-Jun-13 20:04:23

Mycat How old is your DS?

IneedAyoniNickname Sat 22-Jun-13 21:38:58

My dad only ever rented a room in someones house, (his sister and then his brother, then back to his sister) Islept on a fold out bed in his room. if me and my 2 brothers all stayed, is sleep in with dad, and they'd get the lounge floor. I remember having a toothbrush at dads, but can't recall about toys etc.

When my dc sleep at their dads I don't know what happens tbh. If they stay at his flat, I think they have airbeds, but from what they've said its a bedsit, so no room. That said, they've only been there once as he only has the flat so his gfs benefits didn't get affected by him moving in.
When they stay at her house, they sleep in her sons room, although I don't know what on.

When my own mum remarried, we moved to a bigger house as there wasn't room for step sis and step bro to stay otherwise. The new house, mum and step dad had a room, I had a room, brothers had a room, and step bro and step sis had the spare room. (it couldn't be officially there's as others stayed sometimes) the plan was to rearrange rooms, so me and step sis would have shared(what had previously been spare room), younger bro and step bro would share, and older bro would have his own room. Unless we had guests, in which case older bro would have to move to younger bros room, and I'd get his room. It sounds complicated but it would have worked. As it was, I moved out within 6months, with younger brother not far behind.

Theydeserve Sat 22-Jun-13 22:40:07

My Dcs have a room in the other house.
They have no clothes, toys, personal belongings on the other house. All presents to Ex stay in our house and played with when he comes round.

God forbid anything belonging to his DCs should pollute the new utopian environment she is trying to create. I am still being criticised for leaving the clothes bag on the floor in the kitchen 2 days after my mother died and realised despite packing it, I had left it in the kitchen. That has been translated into me being uncaring, difficult and a bitch and not supplying the requisite clothes. Never mind I was billed for the 3 pairss of underpants and 2 pyjamas you bought for the DCs.

A space that they can leave stuff and trust it will not be stick in a balck bin bag by the bitch of the week would be enough for me.

babyhmummy01 Sun 23-Jun-13 00:19:58

We currently only have a one bed flat so dsc's have our room and we sleep in lounge when they stay. We are hoping to move as soon as dp and exw sell house so if we can get a 4 bed place all 3 kids will get their own room if not dd and dsd will have to share.

But, they have their own clothes, toys, books etc here and know that it isn't touched...hence Xmas chocs still.in the fridge LOL

Op think ur experience is horrific but I would hope it is a rare occurrence

stepmooster Sun 23-Jun-13 05:25:01

I find this thread v interesting. Once DH's FMH home is sold and DC2 is born we're putting my 2 bed on the market so we can buy local to DSS. We will only be able to afford a 3 bed.

Our current setup is bunk beds and cot all in one room. DSS has posters up around his top bunk and he keeps lots of his stuff here. Actually anything he buys when with us. He never takes any back to his mums and we don't care if he did or didn't do that.

When we move DH wants our DCs to have a room each and DSS to either share or use a sofa bed. DH logic is why should DSS have 2 bedrooms and the little ones none?

Plus DH is hoping that when we move DSS can start coming over when he likes rather than strict EOW. EOW worked well when DSS was 7 but he starts secondary school soon and he's becoming a young man now. Ok he must call first, but if he wants to pop round for tea 3 nights a week and then go home to mums to sleep it won't be such an issue. We doubt as a teenager DSS is going to want to spend EOW cooped up with toddlers, we hope DSS can begin a social life and join some clubs as at present he doesn't know anyone his own age where we live and EOW contact means he doesn't do any clubs local to mums either.

I guess DH is wanting contact to be more DSS led in future. Welcome to stay over, welcome to leave belongings here. As long as he checks its ok to come over before he turns up I'm happy with that arrangement. We have young kids so its not like we have an active social life!

Does anyone see any pitfalls to this approach?

daisychain01 Sun 23-Jun-13 07:35:59

If children feel loved and welcome and wanted, then it is possible to mitigate the difficulties surrounding lack of space. My DSS ihas been told by his mother that his HOME is her home which was the former FMH and that he should consider his DFs house as somewhere his DF lives with me as DSM. This is in the context of a 50/50 residency order!! Despite that, I tell DSS that home is where the heart is and that if he so chooses then he has two homes ( this is so that I dont discredit his DMs word). He will always look back knowing he is loved in both homes. Of course he knows it already, his DF is a wonderful father! So even if a DSC doesnt have their own room, then the love will make things that much easier for them, plus a sensitive explanation as to why the situation has to be thus.

daisychain01 Sun 23-Jun-13 07:48:57

Stepmooster, you are doing your best, your situation is one where you have needed to try and accommodate the needs of your family as best you can. Perhaps a conversation with DSS to get his thoughts about your proposed set up may give him the chance to express any concerns which you can address constructively. Unfortunately you can't "magic" bedrooms out of thin air so you are doing your best to anticipate DSSs needs in the context of his growing maturity. It will probably be a situation that will evolve in its own way and at the pace DSS sets but you cant do much more than you are!

purpleroses Sun 23-Jun-13 07:53:28

daisy - I always referred to my home with my DCs as their home, and to their dad's as "dad's house" but the DCs corrected me and refuse to call either house "home" because they have two homes! So wouldn't worry about what their mum says, it's up to you and your DH to make it a home for them.

stepmonster - the only problem I could foresee with your plans is that 11 might be a little young for just coming over when he likes - depends on your DSS and the setup with his mum, but my DS is 13 and would struggle to know what to do with that kind of setup really. He still asks me "whose house am I at tonight?" and expects me to give him an answer. If your house move coincided with a move to no fixed routine and him just popping by, that could be seen by him as meaning he no longer has a base there and isn't really wanted as part of the family. At 16ish, yes I think it would work (my nearly 16 year old DSD certainly exercises her rights to drop in when it suits her rather than necessarily following plans of younger DSC), but most 11 year olds I think would prefer a bit more of a routine. 11 is also rather young to be left without a sitter so it's possible his mum would appreciate a bit of routine if she wants to get out and have a social life too.

stepmooster Sun 23-Jun-13 08:29:49

I think DSS is already getting fed up of babies. He doesn't get any space when here to 'chill out' because DD goes to bed at 7pm. She can't sleep in with us because the crib is up ready for DC2. DSS goes to bed to sleep and although we do stuff with him in the evenings, board games etc its starting to become boring. There's nowhere for him to go be alone unfortunately (downstairs is all open plan). He's already dropped a couple of visits and its not his ex pulling strings its just DSS is growing up and well just becoming a teenager.

Good point about not making it look like we're moving and DSS not welcome to stay which is not true, he can sleepover as much as he likes, he can even live with us if he wants which I seriously doubt! I just think with 2 siblings under the age of 2 its just not going to be very often that he'll want to spend a solid 48 hours in their company! As his dad will be just down the road so to speak he doesn't have to wait to see him, he has a 16 year old sister who already 'babysits him' so the ex doesn't need to organise sitters. also if he just wants to spend 2 hours at ours because one or other child is teething and he wants some peace I couldn't really blame him for wanting to go 'home'.

I think DH would be delighted if DSS ever called our house home, but as DH used to sleep on a sofa bed at his brothers and then moved into my house (with all my furniture DH had none). For the last 4.5 years DSS hasn't really seen where DH has lived as his home, its always been uncle's house or Stepmooster's. Although I tell DSS this is his home too, DSS never calls this place his.

DSS is quite mature for his age and I think DH has already been discussing with DSS about as he gets older he doesn't have to stick to an EOW arrangement once we move. But its down to DSS what he wants to do and not us.

Mycatistoosexy Sun 23-Jun-13 17:31:16

needaholidaynow he's only 1 so it's not really a problem at least til he's three. Hopefully we will be able to afford a bigger house then smile

Appleboy Sun 23-Jun-13 18:18:45

My dss has a room of his own here but only because my dc share a room. He lives with us most of the time and sees his father for two night stays. However he has told my dp that he feels slightly out of place at father's house, we think because of the 5 dd+dsd his father has and he fact he shares a room with two of them. He does keep some stuff there though.
OP your experience sounds dreadful and I hope not many children have to go through it.

AnitaBlake Sun 23-Jun-13 18:38:26

We treat things as though DSD were here all the time although she's only here 3or 4 nights a fortnight. We have three bedrooms and also two DDs here fulltime. DSD(6) and DD1(2.5) share a double bedroom and DD2(7m) has the tiny single bedroom.

We have bunkbeds for the older girls, who love sharing and think its a great adventure! In time I expect the younger two will share and DSD will have the small room.

My Dss has his own pit room, I see know problem with dcs and dscs sharing, as long as they have their spaces to keep all their precious junk stuff and they feel welcome that's all what matters.

Bagpuss that sounded really hard for you, thank god you had your DF and DSM.

parttimer79 Mon 24-Jun-13 12:47:21

We have 3 beds plus study which for various reasons cannot be used as a bedroom.
My DSS has his own room and DSD sleeps in the nursery which she will share with new arrival when they stop sleeping in with us.
Poor DSS complains that everyone else gets to share a room and he doesn't so we may give him the option of sharing with DSD if they want to.
We only rent and when we buy we will have 4 beds so if we have another baby someone will have to share. Hopefully we will plan that as any living together all the time family would based on room sizes, ages and needs.

parttimer79 Mon 24-Jun-13 12:49:23

meant to say DSCs sleep here 2 nights a fortnight

ladydeedy Thu 27-Jun-13 21:12:10

We have a room that is used as a oldest DSS's room when he comes to stay. however he lives with his mother just 10 mins walk away so often goes back there for the night. Rest of time it is used as spare/guest room. DSS2, who now lives with us, had his own room at his mum's. This was turned into a room to be let out to a lodger, so if he goes to see her and wants to stay over his options are to sleep on the floor (there's no blow up or camp bed), so he comes back to us again. Sad.

twinkletwinkle9 Fri 28-Jun-13 17:52:19

We have a 2 bedroom house, my two DSC currently share with DS, there is a single bed and a double sofa bed, they usually swap and change beds
though as my DS likes the novelty of sleeping on the sofa bed.

We also have a baby in our bedroom but she's approaching 1yo so we're hoping to move her in to the kid's bedroom soon. However, there isn't room for a cot and the sofa bed in the bedroom so we've ordered a new (decent) sofa bed for our lounge. DSC will sleep in our bedroom and me and DP will sleep on the sofabed.
I'm sure they would be fine on a sofabed in the lounge but as they go to bed much earlier than us it makes sense for them to be upstairs and us downstairs.

We're hoping to move to a 3 bed house soon but the 3 older kids will probably share a bedroom as they're closer in age and then baby will probably have her own room. Or the 2 boys share and 2 girls share. But either way, no the DSC wont have their own bedrooms, there will never be a time when we can afford a 5 bed house.

twinkletwinkle9 Fri 28-Jun-13 18:05:14

Further on from that, I would say at the moment the children love sharing a bedroom, they're 4,5 and 8 and to them it's fun that they're all huddled together and having a big sleep over together.
But I am concerned about DSD (now 8) as soon she will be of an age where she wants privacy, god knows what we'll do then.
On the other hand she will get that at home, I'm sure she'll manage to grit her teeth and bear it for a couple of days.

starsandstripes72 Sun 30-Jun-13 05:19:29

Im so glad to have read this. We have a small 2 bed house and couldnt afford anything bigger. Dsd only stays every other weekend for one night at a time and though she still has how own clothes toys in the room ive been feeling terribly guilty for decorating and sorting the room for our first child together expected any day now. Dh obviously doesnt mind as she only stays on average 2 nights a month but it doesnt stop me feeling like im pushing her out (could just be the hormones)....reading the responses to this post has made me feel much better.

Fairy130389 Sun 30-Jun-13 10:17:11

I personally don't think it's about being able to provide a whole bedroom it's not possible, it's about making space for their things, so they feel welcome and like they have been considered in whatever layout you have. Dsd lives with us and has her own room, mum has been staying with her brother for the past couple of months so when dsd visits (once a week), they share a bed. What I find most upsetting is that she does not have any clothes, possessions etc at mums and so is very much a 'visitor'. This was the case even when mum had 2 bed flat, although she did have a bed then.

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