Advise on approaching DP's exw about DSD having nits *again*

(38 Posts)
babyhmummy01 Sat 15-Jun-13 21:04:08

Help folks!! My poor DSD has had nits for almost the entire of the last year and it is driving both her and us crazy. The poor kid has bites all over her scalp, neck and has scratched herself raw. I have been treating her every time she is with us with Lyclear, DP's parents had been treating her with headrin before that and mum tells us she is combing them through and treating them regularly too. Now I am not for a second accusing her of lying but I do wonder if she is doing it correctly as DSD was riddled today when I went to brush her hair.

Now when I say riddled I mean they were dropping out her hair onto her top. I was taking her for a girly day shopping as DP was at work last night so asleep today and DSS is on camp with Cubs so we decided we would have some girly time. I took her into Boots and spoke to the pharmacist who was ace and helped loads, we have used full marks tonight and spent over an hour (again) combing out all the lice and eggs - there are still a few eggs that I just couldn't shift. The pharmacist has said to check her again next weekend and if she still has them treat her again but get her to the doctors to see if there is anything they can do as even the pharmacist was shocked at how many there were visibly crawling in her fringe alone.

DP has tried to talk to his ex on several occasions, last time we had them I spoke to her and advised her that she needed to treat herself, her bf and both his kids and speak to her sister and get her family treated too as they all spend a lot of time together but as she is riddled again I am guessing this hasn't been done. Now as much as I would like to go off the deep end at her tomorrow I know that will just cause major issues but how do we get the message across - the poor kid is so fed up of them and I have had to give her antihistamine's today to help ease the itching for her. My heart breaks to see her in such a state but how the hell do I get her mum to see??

Fairy130389 Sat 15-Jun-13 22:33:13

How old is she? can she comb her own hair out during the week or is she too young? realise it wont help make mum treat rest of family but better than nothing?

also, don't know what the relationship is like but how about some casual conversation ie 'god aren't these nits a pain in the bum... I remember when I was a kid they were so hard to get rid of poor thing, by the way look at this amazing product I've found, bought you a bottle as it was 2 4 1'...

Sneaky might be the best approach in the first instance, if not, DH may have to have firm word... it is neglect to leave her like that. good luck!

babyhmummy01 Sat 15-Jun-13 22:45:04

she is only 7 so too young to do it herself - we have tried it. I was dead causal about it last time we took her home, said something along lines of 'good lord I can't believe she has them again, little sods never seem to die. I have treated us all just to be safe, might be worth you doing x, y, z etc'. DP's mum sent her a letter with some nit combs in it and still it doesn't sink in.

I am torn, I want to help her cos its so awful but if either DP or I make waves he is worried she will stop us having the kids and I dread SS getting involved if the word neglect is used anywhere sad

Veryunsure Sun 16-Jun-13 05:36:51

We had an ongoing nit issue for some time, dh bought neem shampoo and conditioner for us and the ex, we began by using neem oil leaving it on for 30 mins then using the neem shampoo & cond and regularly combing her hair with the nitty gritty comb. Finally she's nit free.

Maybe worth a try smile

ElenorRigby Sun 16-Jun-13 07:40:48

Here's another thread DSD constant headlice and poor teeth
I've posted on that thread about the problems we had with DSD's nits and her mother not treating them.
In summary get a nitty gritty comb, comb out with copious amounts of tea tree conditioner. Repeat every three to 4 days for at least 2 weeks.
Always use tea tree shampoo and conditioner.
Also use neem oil as directed by alwayscheerful on the other thread.

Good luck, however it looks like an up hill battle if she is being constantly re infested at her mothers. hmm

babyhmummy01 Sun 16-Jun-13 08:54:00

Thanks ladies will try the berm stuff

pod3030 Sun 16-Jun-13 08:59:09

also bedding etc needs to hot washed to stop re contamination.

We also had a real problem with nits with DD 1, and I did everything! Just couldn't get rid, and she was 13, so really bothered.
Eventually we worked out the infection came from the cloth covered seats in the school bus. Cut her hair into a short bob ( so didn't touch seat), nits vanished and never reappeared.
Just to say problem may not be her mother!

babyhmummy01 Sun 16-Jun-13 11:23:53

Bedding here is boil washed every time they stay.

We have asked mum to cut her hair short in case they are in seats etc at school but she has refused. I am not saying it is def mum, but we get such a wishy washy attitude from her when we try and talk to her its crazy.

I have combed thru her hair again this morning with conditioner and no lice (cheers) found a few residual eggs but no where near as many and having blow dried her hair I can't see them in her hair like I could yesterday...even at 2ft away you could see the eggs and lice... She also hasn't scratched since I inflicted chemical warfare yesterday, although have given her antihistamines to help ease the itching. She has even commented to me today that her head feels better and she hasn't scratched so at least I feel like I am helping her.

Just gotta sort the toilet issues and we might feel like we are winning!

paperlantern Mon 17-Jun-13 23:55:38

A year we had a bugger of a nit problem - not through lack of treatment I can assure you. It's only takes one or two missed eggs. Used treatment until I found the buggers still wriggling. Nitty Gritty comb. If you do it thoroughly, she should be able to have a go at it in between times

Speaking from experience on the other foot you can cut DSD's hair when she is with you whether Mum likes it or not. Although for what it's worth short may work if it a bus seat problem but I swear DD's issues were made worse by a fringe and short hair, (she's likes to hug_. Tied back no feathering no fringe

tabulahrasa Tue 18-Jun-13 08:56:52

You don't check a week later and then treat if you see anything, you're supposed to treat a week later to catch any that hatched in between treatments.

You should have been doing that every time she's been treated - or she may still have enough to re-infest her. Though if no-one else in her mother's house is getting treated, they'll all be giving them back to her anyway.

nicknamegame Tue 18-Jun-13 09:46:01

Seems to me not enough people understand the life cycle of live and waste too much effort appropriating blame on the other parent. Ive seen this so many times on here.
The last poster speaks sense, clearing the lice with chemicals one week and then seeing a child reinfected the week after or whatever is more than likely the same infection. They are notoriously difficult to shift and unless you are combing constantly, you won't break the cycle through treatment alone.

babyhmummy01 Tue 18-Jun-13 10:12:30

tab & nickname am perfectly aware of both ur points, and agree, my issue is as dp is nrp how do I get that message across to their mum who is the to?
She says she is doing it but the evidence, the fact her daughter is still riddled, suggests she is not. How do I effectively call her a liar without actually saying it?

If upu read my posts it does state that mum claims she is combing thru daily. I think the issue is shis not treating them after 7 days (we have eow so is left to her) and so its not done again til she comes to us

tabulahrasa Tue 18-Jun-13 11:33:46

I have no idea how you say that without being confrontational, I only know about lice treatment, lol.

If she's coming back after a fortnight completely covered in them the chances are she's not being treated in that other week, but, if it's an ongoing problem and no-one else is being treated, she'd be getting re-infected even if she was being treated every week.

TBH I'd probably just tell her that when you had to buy the lice treatment - the pharmacist says that everyone she's in contact with needs to be checked, immediate family and other friends and relatives and treated if they have them too or they'll just keep re-infecting each other. Maybe you could offer to contact her school friends? As a favour and not to embarrass her into doing something about it of course wink

tabulahrasa Tue 18-Jun-13 11:40:11

Or that might be a really stupid idea, I don't know, like I said, I know about lice, lol

babyhmummy01 Tue 18-Jun-13 11:45:17

tab that has been my worry tbh. Dp and I spoke to her on Sunday when we took the kids back and I pretty much repeated what the pharmacist told me. I said that I had told them.that I had asked mum to treat nd and his kids etc and said.to.mum "i assume you have" to which she rolled her eyes and vapidly replied "yeah" so I am guessing she hasn't. I was very polite despite wanting.to smack the stupid grin off her face and pointed out that she needed to treat Dss as he was at camp so I hadn't been able.to and stressed that it was imperative that she combs them daily and treats again on Saturday irrespective of whether she sees any lice. Am hoping it has sunk.in but tbh I very much doubt it. She appears to.think the 6 weeks holidays are a miracle cure.

fackinell Tue 18-Jun-13 11:46:55

Apparently lice hate tea tree. Why not buy some tea tree shampoo too as a deterrent once they've all gone?

titchy Tue 18-Jun-13 11:56:24

I'd mention to the mother that you can see them in HER hair....

NatashaBee Tue 18-Jun-13 12:06:10

Good idea titchy! I'm surprised she hasn't caught them already.

babyhmummy01 Tue 18-Jun-13 12:09:24

fack done but mum doesn't use it

titchy done, even pointed out that the pharmacist said she was disgusted at the number she could see crawling. It has very little impact.

As stepmom I can't force anything too much, but I am like a dog with a bone on this one. Am not letting it drop.

babyhmummy01 Tue 18-Jun-13 12:10:20

Oh misread ur post titchyu meant see them in mums hair...not thought of that. Will offer to check her lol

catsmother Tue 18-Jun-13 12:52:42

Urrggghh - can see why you're so frustrated. The only way to deal with nits is thorough, repeated and consistent treatment - whichever method you decide to use, and unfortunately, on the basis of all you've written it does sound as if the mum's not being thorough (understatement).

I don't know these days what schools are and aren't allowed to do re: nits .... we got a generic "there has been a couple of nits cases reported - please check your kids and deal appropriately" letter the other week. I don't know if everyone simply gets one of these letters, or whether the school would tactfully and privately pull the relevant parents aside and suggest very strongly that their kids must be treated. I've a feeling that I've read somewhere teachers aren't allowed to specifically refer to an infected child these days - even when it's bloody obvious who has them - and instead have to hope that wishy washy letters to all and sundry will get the message across .... though I might have imagined all that. Anyway - I don't know if it might perhaps be worth your DP speaking to DSD's teacher - if they can't/won't do anything then you're no worse off but if they were able to speak to the mother and/or arrange for her to see the school nurse (or at least the one who covers several schools in the district as is usually the case) someone in authority might just shame her enough to take proper action - as in, the mum might finally realise how serious this is and how awful for the child, rather than (maybe) getting peed off at being reprimanded by you IYKWIM ?

babyhmummy01 Tue 18-Jun-13 14:05:38

catsmother ohhh like the idea of speaking to the teacher. Next time dp is off on a school contact I will def get him to do that if we still haven't got rid.

As for schools, I believe you are correct about them not being allowed to single out individual kids. They also don't have the nit nurse anymore which I remember from when I was in the infants, I believe some fool muttered the phrase child abuse and so they were stopped.

overitalready Wed 19-Jun-13 08:52:10

My dd suffered for so long with nits, was terrible. As you say could see them crawling in her hair.
I was treating her hair every other day, i had her hair cut off, i tried tea tree oil, i would spend hours combing through her hair & nothing worked.

In the end i googled it & found a place in Brighton that used almost like a massive hoover to suck them all out..was very expensive but well worth it & shes never had them back again..touch wood!

Can try & find the details if needed op

purpleroses Wed 19-Jun-13 09:09:19

Not sure where you got your idea about schools not being allowed to check. My DD's school (state primary) definitely does still have the nit nurse - they inspect everyone's hair and send specific letters home to those with nits. Everyone else gets the general "there have been a few cases recently, please check their hair" type. So I think I would speak to the school. A letter from the school might carry more weight with her mum than your DP telling her.

The other option would be to offer to treat DSD every week yourselves - would her mum allow her to come over on (say) a Friday night on "her" weekend specifically for this purpose?

Would agree that at 7 your DSD is too young to take complete responsibility for it herself, but she's not to young to understand that they must be treated each week, and to help remind her mum. I'd try and ram that home with her.

Last resort would be to cut her hair very short. Even a bit shorter would make it easier for DSD to comb her own hair with the nit comb every day. If DSD herself is OK about this, your DP could just take her to the hairdresser. He has as much right to do this as her mum.

Bonsoir Wed 19-Jun-13 09:14:19
babyhmummy01 Wed 19-Jun-13 12:59:09

purple you are very lucky if your school still has nit nurses, they have been banned from round here for donkey's years. My info comes from being a former teacher and having teacher friends all over the country so its not just a local to me thing.

Mum fought hard against us having EOW so I cannot see that she will agree to any further contact as we had to go through mediation to get a week night evening arranged, hypocritically she complained at mediations that she has too much of the child care but then refused to allow us additional access when we offered to amend the arrangements. Needless to say the solicitors handling the mediation shot her down in flames.

As for cutting her hair, believe me when I say that the fall out would be beyond unreasonable! DP wants it cut short, DSD is not keen and mum would go right off the deep end and I suspect that she would cease all contact with both kids if he went against her wishes.

We have them every Wednesday so will be checking them thoroughly tonight and will be texting mum on Saturday to remind her to treat them. We have sewn the seed heavily with DSD to nag mum to check etc but I think it is the follow-up treatment that is lacking.

purpleroses Wed 19-Jun-13 13:24:50

If you have them every Wednesday then that's the day to treat DSD. Forget about doing it on a Saturday - because you won't be seeing her the following Saturday so would have to rely on her mum to follow up - and from what you say, she's flaky.

The lotion kills the lice (but not all the eggs). 7 days later all the eggs have hatched, so you treat again to kill the new lice before they have a chance to lay eggs (they take a week to be mature). Then again 14 days later just to be sure.

If you do that, and encourage her to comb, and give her a good comb through when she's with you, I really can't see how it wouldn't work. Agree that her mum SHOULD sort it out herself, but does sound like you see DSD often enough to be able to sort it out yourselves.

(My DCs get them quite frequently - despite the nit nurse visits - but treating in the way I've just described with whatever lotion your local pharmacist recommends really should work)

juule Wed 19-Jun-13 13:43:11

i agree with purpleroses. Treat your DSD hair every Wednesday. That should keep them under control. It will kill any new ones she's picked up and any that have hatched since the week before. Keep combing to get rid of eggs and empty egg cases.

babyhmummy01 Wed 19-Jun-13 21:38:19

Unfortunately there isn't.time on a Wednesday.to treat them, we live half hour drive away so by the time we collect.them and feed them its pretty much time to leave to get them home. But o have managed to check her over and she was clear of lice.

sandiy Sat 29-Jun-13 08:31:32

You could get nit comb that zaps them if it's a problem at yours you comb it through and it kills live lice.Not perfect but a compromise on the whole nitty gritty thing.

dearth Sat 29-Jun-13 13:19:07

You have her every Wednesday but are blaming mum? She can eat pizza while being treated and combed. Use a Nitty Gritty comb, and buy her a bottle of their deterrent spray to use every day in between.

dearth Sat 29-Jun-13 13:20:21

Have you asked DSD if mum is actually treating her, and by what method?

ihearsounds Sat 29-Jun-13 13:38:53

Do her hair on a Wednesday. There is time.

Years ago we had a massive problem with one of my dc's. Yes just the one. My other 2 dc's weren't as bad. It was a nasty, vicious cycle. Get them cleared, send into school and reinfected. Every 3 nights having to comb the dc's and of course my self. Over 3 nights during term and it would be like I hadn't done her hair for weeks. The other 2 dc's, occasionally I would find something in their hair. I used to really, really love school holidays, knowing that we would have a break from the combing. After 18 months of dealing with this crap, the nice lady in the chemist suggested tea-tree. Used that, and the infestations greatly reduced.

Basically, don't assume its mum not doing a thing. My dd was getting them from someone in her class.

Could your DP speak to Dsd school and explain what you are doing and how you have spoken to DSD mum and ask if they can help.

At the school dd are at call in the parents of children who have constant nits and go through how to treat them and also explain that if it continues then it becomes a 'concern' about the child welfare at home.

babyhmummy01 Sat 29-Jun-13 23:06:54

We know mum isn't following the treatment correctly and we are doing as much as is physically possible. The chemicals and tee tree are making her eczema bad so we are having to.ease off. She is currently clear (fingers crossed it stays that way) so its maintenance time.

We have talked to school but unfortunately dsd is the cause of moat of.the out breaks. We treat and check everytime we have them and I treat both kids me and dp, mum is only treating the one she finds lice in and ignoring everyone else.

Having had a very polite hissy fit at mum the other week she has started to wake up a bit. We have taken to texting reminders and yes we have asked the kids but they confirm treatment at home.is sporadic at best

steppemum Sat 29-Jun-13 23:20:27

my middle dc got them regularly it was from one kid in her class. The rest of the mums got really fed up. I had to comb and check dds hair twice a week, and her hair is thick and hard to comb, so we had to use lots of conditioner to comb it and then that was hard to wash out.

It went on until we moved away from that school.

babyhmummy01 Sun 30-Jun-13 08:05:11

Like I say steppe, its my dsd that is the route of it unfortunately. But having had regular treatment and checks she is clear as i dss so hopefully this is it over.

Mum is very much the Disney dad type described by so many sm's on here, from listening to dp, his family, the kids and having witnessed some of ityself the kids seem to have been a result of "what normal ppl do next" and she doesn't really have that maternal nurturing nature. She had a very poor mother role model who had psychological problems and was hospitalized a few times so I guess some of it stems from that, its just a Shane that 2 (mostly) lovely kids suffer as a result.

They crave attention from everyone which is draining sometimes but with a lot of time effort and some nagging they are learning and becoming more.rounded and independent. They are getting very good at nagging mum into.checking and treating their hair and keep.saying "babyh says everyone needs doing, have you done bf and his kids"

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