So this is the scenario, how would you deal with it and/or your dh/dp (sorry it's a long one!)

(126 Posts)
K8eee Sat 01-Jun-13 20:18:57

Right so here it is...

Dh has dss every school holiday and he was due to pick him up Tuesday morning just gone, early.

He drove 266 miles to dss home town and stayed with a mate over night. They ended up going out, he stayed up later than he should've, but got 6 or so hours sleep. He picks up dss Tuesday morning, and heads off approx 7:45am back home to me. With half hour or so he feels tired so pulls over into a service station on the motorway, parks up in the corner out the way of anyone, locks himself and dss in the car and explains to dss that because he is a but tired he just needs to rest his eyes ready for the long drive home. Dss has his ds and dh phone to occupy him for the 45 mins dh rests. Once awake, dh quickly runs into the service station, grabs a red bull and makes his way home and gets here safely.

Now, what is your judgement on my dh and his actions? Sensible for stopping to rest, or irresponsible and unsafe for resting with dss in the car.

Dh ex went absolutely ballistic saying he was irresponsible, and now is refusing dh to have dss in the car with him. This has resulted in us having to pay for her fuel to come and pick him up. I was very reluctant to let dh give her the money, but all week she has given us grief, and has pummelled dss with phrases such as 'you're not safe with daddy in the car anymore' and 'you're never allowed to go to your dads ever again' which I also have has to answer questions from his to justify the reasoning for why his dad had a cat nap before the long journey.

PaperPomPom Sat 01-Jun-13 20:34:26

It depends a bit on how old DSS is, and whether he stopped due to tiredness or if he was feeling funny (as in still a bit drunk) from the night before?

K8eee Sat 01-Jun-13 20:37:30

He is nearly 7, and would never dream of trying to get out of the car. Dh had only had a couple as he knew he had a long drive to following day

CaptainSweatPants Sat 01-Jun-13 20:39:25

Well he was sensible for stopping & resting


I'd bet anything he was hungover

K8eee Sat 01-Jun-13 20:40:34

As I said previously, he wasn't hungover he only had a couple to drink.

VinegarDrinker Sat 01-Jun-13 20:41:55

I would be seriously unimpressed with his behaviour, as a partner or ex-partner

PaperPomPom Sat 01-Jun-13 20:42:19

I'm with Captain I'm afraid.

NatashaBee Sat 01-Jun-13 20:44:24

The ex's behaviour is OTT and she shouldn't be making those comments in front of her son, but.... Your husband should have made sure he was safe to drive. Do you think she'll rethink when she gets bored of doing all the driving?

Rainbowinthesky Sat 01-Jun-13 20:44:49

The scenario was fine until you said he'd had a couple of drinks. this must have been a fairly short while before attempting the long drive. I would be really cross.

VinegarDrinker Sat 01-Jun-13 20:44:55

Also, the fact he had to stop and nap makes me seriously doubt he had had 6 hours sleep.

JumpingJackSprat Sat 01-Jun-13 20:47:17

My dp would never ever drink the day before he had to drive such a distance with his son in the car. if he had to nap on the way back then he wasnt fit to drive and should have made sure he got enough sleep the night before.

I'd be fucking fuming.

Your dp sounds completely irresponsible and wholly selfish and I wouldn't let him drive my ds back, either!

Rainbowinthesky Sat 01-Jun-13 20:50:28

It sounds very odd that he had to stop after driving for only half an hour. No way he had 6 hours sleep and/or wasn't still feeling effects of the drink.

K8eee Sat 01-Jun-13 20:50:52

He's not stupid in that way though, if he knows he has a long drive he won't go out and party. He was in bed by midnight or just after and had to be out the door by 6:30 in order to get over to dss.

This is the first time she has driven the whole way, but would only do it if she got petrol money. I have offered to do the trip there and back but dh said that's not the point. I was nearly in years when I put dss to bed last night with his plea of wanting to stay with us longer and wanting to visit us againsad it breaks my heart to see him and dh getting upset and I just know there is sod all I can do but be there for them both as and when I can

This is your dh's fault, OP!

I would bet my house that he got a lot less sleep than he's telling you. Or he drank a lot more.

K8eee Sat 01-Jun-13 20:55:24

Walter I'm well aware.

Well I know my dh, and he doesn't drink often and when he does its not a lot anyway, as explained previously.

With respect, you weren't there.

I've never heard of anyone having to pull over after a small amount of time driving because he was so tired, who'd had enough sleep the night before and hasn't over-indulged.

I mean, he must have been extremely tired to lock himself and a six year old child in a car and then fall asleep, leaving the child to his own devices.

You say there's no way ss would have gotten out of the car. You can't possibly know that for sure and neither could your dh!

God. When I think what could have happened!

I think he should give ds's mum the petrol money, apologise for being such a twat, and thank his lucky stars that nothing awful happened.

K8eee Sat 01-Jun-13 21:04:41

I couldn't function after only 6 hours of sleep, I can't even after 8 but have to! Bear in mind he had beet up for over an hour at this point too.

So do you think that this should justify him never seeing his son again? Or never being allowed in a car with him? Surely leaving a child in a car while you quickly run into a shop while you pick up some bread, milk or essentials isn't any different?

Rainbowinthesky Sat 01-Jun-13 21:05:13

How does she know? I am assuming she knows your dh pretty well and maybe she is aware of him having done it previously. It does seem very odd to stop after only half an hour and need to sleep.

Rainbowinthesky Sat 01-Jun-13 21:07:05

My 74 year old mother regularily drives this distance and although she does stop on the way, never after only half an hour.

K8eee Sat 01-Jun-13 21:07:25

He's never done it before. She asked why it took so long for him to get back here, and he had typical half term traffic, but dss said that his dad had to pull over and sleep.

It wasn't a deep sleep as if he wouldn't of woken up at any sound.

He's a grown man. He had six hours sleep. He'd only been up an hour. Come on, OP!

No I don't think ds should be stopped from seeing his dad. However, I would have huge reservations in letting your dh drive him back.

And the fact that you can compare leaving him to his own devices for 45 minutes to nipping into a shop for bread? Mind boggling!

K8eee Sat 01-Jun-13 21:09:18

He regularly drives long distances but has been working a lot more in the past few months, which has caught up with him I think. Maybe some of us need more sleep than others.

Can anyone justify though why ex is stating she won't let dss come here again?!

he had typical half term traffic, but dss said that his dad had to pull over and sleep

So he was ly

K8eee Sat 01-Jun-13 21:10:33

Walter read the original post. He popped into the service station to get a drink. Yet again another hang up she has. Haven't we all as kids been left in the car at some point in our lives?

Rainbowinthesky Sat 01-Jun-13 21:11:05

I don't think she is justified in stopping him seeing her ds however if I were here I would need assurances that he isn't going to drink the night before doing that drive.


Lying to her?

It wasn't a deep sleep as if he wouldn't of woken up at any sound

How do you know?

K8eee Sat 01-Jun-13 21:11:11

Walter read the original post. He popped into the service station to get a drink. Yet again another hang up she has. Haven't we all as kids been left in the car at some point in our lives?

I`m with her I`m afraid, I cannot see why your DP started a long journey with a young child in the car if he knew he couldnt do it.

Why wont he see him again? I thought his ex said she wasnt happy for him to drive with their son? Shes angry at the moment, she`ll probably calm down soon.

K8eee Sat 01-Jun-13 21:12:13

No I never said he lied to her

SgtTJCalhoun Sat 01-Jun-13 21:12:47

I agree with his ex. Why the hell should a 7 year old CHILD be locked into a car to watch his DRUNK dad sleep? I would be furious.

Maybe his ex had a belly full of this kind of thing and that's why he's her ex?

He popped into the service station to get a drink after he'd slept for 45 minutes leaving a six year old basically unattended!

I assumed that you meant he was only telling her he'd hit traffic and ds told her he'd gone to sleep? So a lie by omission perhaps?

Rainbowinthesky Sat 01-Jun-13 21:17:12

I actually think sleeping with a sensible child who has things to do is fine as is popping into the service station. I assume it was a petrol station. I would see this as far safer then taking ds out of the car and across the forecourt.

Guitargirl Sat 01-Jun-13 21:17:37

There is no way that any healthy adult should need to stop for a sleep after 6 hours sleep and a couple of drinks. He either drank a lot more than he claims he did and/or had a lot less sleep than he says he did. Come on. You know that, right?

Rainbowinthesky Sat 01-Jun-13 21:18:02

If it were a service station where you park in the car park and then have to walk into it, then I would be extremely annoyed.

SgtTJCalhoun Sat 01-Jun-13 21:20:12

He's a Billy Bullshitter. He didn't get 6 hours sleep at all, probably about three and he was far more pissed than he is letting on.

DontmindifIdo Sat 01-Jun-13 21:21:49

If I was the ex, i'd assume your DP was hungover and lying, he'd already lied once to her. It's really not normal to have to stop after such a short drive in the morning for a nap - perhaps stop for a red bull, but not to have a sleep. And if i'm reading this right, he'd stopped at a service station but didn't take DSS in with him to get the drink. That would also annoy me.

Pay the petrol money, and then next time can you offer to go too so that DH isn't hte only adult in the car? (Can you drive? You could offer to split the driving so she's not as worried.)

DontmindifIdo Sat 01-Jun-13 21:25:43

oh and if he doesn't drink much normally, then it probably had more of an affect on him than the same amount of drinks on someone else. He could be very hungover on what on other friends would have been fine.

VinegarDrinker Sat 01-Jun-13 21:27:51

I don't think she can justify not allowing him to stay with you but tbh I would be with her on not wanting him alone with your DH in a car. The suggestion of you going too is a good one, otherwise you suck it up and pay petrol imo, surely you are paying his petrol anyway so the only one losing out is her on her time. You get DSS dropped to your door! She is being very accommodating. (Although agree with pp that speaking about your DH in front of the kid like that is not on).

I don't know what a court would think about it if it ever got that far.

Kaluki Sat 01-Jun-13 21:46:53

Your DH's ex is completely right.
I would be furious. What if DSS had let off the handbrake or just decided to wander off. It happens - kids are unpredictable creatures.
I agree that he must have drunk more or slept less than he's letting on. My DP can drive after 6 hours sleep and so could I - unless we were hungover!

brdgrl Sat 01-Jun-13 22:18:02

I really think it is impossible to know exactly why the DH stopped or how hungover he was etc etc...I only want to chime in to say that my DH and I were recently, with DD, on a two-hour drive back from another town, and he had to do exactly this same thing. I was there, obviously (I am not insured to drive his vehicle as I don't have a UK license), so I was able to read to DD while he had a brief nap in an Aldi's parking lot. Of course it was not ideal, but I was glad he recognised that he needed to stop. He was not hungover and had not been drinking the night before, but was worn out from a weekend away. Just offering this up as my own recent experience.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 01-Jun-13 22:27:07

I can see why she's so cross.

He has his son only every holiday? He should have put all other things aside and ensured that he was fit to drive. That means not going and having drinks with his mate the night before he knows he is picking up his child and going on a very long drive.

He chose to go out drinking.

It was, imo, a poor choice.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Sat 01-Jun-13 22:27:57

meant to say though, that since he did make that poor choice and it left him too tired to safely drive, he did the best thing in stopping to rest.

But he shouldn't have put himself in that position in the first place

FairPhyllis Sat 01-Jun-13 22:31:35

My parents used to pull over for a catnap on long journeys all the time, lock the doors and let me just sit and read in the back when I was quite young. That part is fine.

However they never did it because they had been out late the night before and not got enough sleep. Your DH needs to promise not to try to drive on not enough sleep again.

lunar1 Sat 01-Jun-13 22:45:26

He should not have put his son up in the first place if he wasn't fit to drive. He should have picked him up later. I would be really angry if dh did this.

His ex is right to be worried but shouldn't be talking about it with her son.

mynewpassion Sat 01-Jun-13 22:50:23

I think he should at least acknowledge that he made a poor choice the evening before and to never do it again. Yes, it was sensible for him to pull over because it would have been far more dangerous to continue to drive. However, his poor judgement of drinking and likely not getting sufficient sleep put his son at risk. He needs to understand this.

NatashaBee Sun 02-Jun-13 00:04:38

Exactly, mynewpassion. Although I do think either he stayed out later, or drank more, than he told the OP.

DeskPlanner Sun 02-Jun-13 08:46:59

I agree with everyone else, he is very much in the wrong. Sorry if its not what you want to hear.

Petal02 Sun 02-Jun-13 08:47:29

Just out of interest - how come the ex can demand petrol money if she's picking up DSS?

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 09:38:32

Thanks everyone for your opinions. Dh knows he shouldn't of had a late night, but it definitely doesn't justify her need to tell dss he's never going to come to our house again sad

Petal I have no idea. I did say to dh if she really wanted to pick him up she would make sure she had the money for fuel. She threatened to call the police if we didn't let her have him. We weren't stopping her picking him up, and to be honest I dot understand how having your own son stay with you (from dh point of view) can be kidnap when it's been arranged?! Or am I missing something...?

VinegarDrinker Sun 02-Jun-13 09:40:52

The ex can demand petrol money because in her opinion your DH is not capable of getting him to and from hers safely. Therefore she is having to do an extra 1000 miles each time. (250 x4).

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 09:43:02

Bloody ridiculous if you ask me. It's not 1000 miles?! Where did that come from?

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 09:43:36

It was one trip down

VinegarDrinker Sun 02-Jun-13 09:46:16

No, in future I mean. Each time he comes to stay she will have to bring him (250m), get herself back (250m), then come and collect him (250m) and drive them both home (250m).

Kaluki Sun 02-Jun-13 09:46:50

Lucky he got home ok!
A catnap and a can of redbull is no substitute for a good nights sleep. What if there had been an accident - he would never have forgiven himself!
He was irresponsible and hopefully he's learnt his lesson.

Sh1ney Sun 02-Jun-13 09:50:54

I'm with you OP

He sensibly stopped and rested for a while. Why he was too tired is irrelevant ( unless of course he was hungover ). We are urged by the police to take a break if we are tired and rest before continuing.

Big fuss over nothing by the ex. Ok, it's maybe not ideal but he did the right thing

Petal02 Sun 02-Jun-13 09:58:52

I only asked about petrol money because, regardless of what did/did not happen (and we'll probably never know) I can't understand why some exes won't drive anywhere to facilitate access unless the man is paying.

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 10:00:21

Op, who moved, your dh or the mother?

VinegarDrinker Sun 02-Jun-13 10:01:18

Well the fairest thing (before this happened) would be for them both to drive half way. I can see that the ex doesn't want the OP's DH driving DSS anywhere at the moment though and can totally see why.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 10:07:57

This is the thing she won't even meet half way sad and if she was to we would have to pay her expenses. This is why I would prefer to go and get him myself. Ok it's not a lot of money were giving her, but I'm very reluctant to let dh give it to her. It's our hard earned money, she should be able to manage her money better.

The living situation; she moved away first out of the home they lived together in and then dh and I moved into our own home.

He's sensible with his drink, and yes the late night isn't ideal. Come to think of it, I do remember an occasion where she had gone out for the night, we babysat and she had only had a couple of hours sleep and came out to pick him up. One rule for one, one for another hmm

VinegarDrinker Sun 02-Jun-13 10:11:18

You immediately lose all credibility by describing your DH looking after his own son as "babysitting".

financialwizard Sun 02-Jun-13 10:13:55

As 'parent with care' I don't drive my son down to my exh's when he wants contact, or pick him up. I also don't meet him half way. It isn't the money, it is time for me. They also live about the same distance. I work 5.5 days a week, my husband works 5/6 days a week or may not be here at all (works overseas a lot). My exh has more time than us so he accepts he has to do the picking up and dropping off.

The comment about managing money better is not exactly fair, she would not have felt the need to pick her son up if she did not feel like he was in danger.

Think how you would feel in her situation. I appreciate it is slightly over the top, but in reality you would probably feel the same if it was your child. Especially if there is bad feeling between your husband and his ex already.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 10:14:39

Are you kidding?! Sorry I'm a step parent still learning the ropes. I apologise, we had dss with us for the night in a hotel...

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 10:18:19

I meant who moved so far away.

pictish Sun 02-Jun-13 10:20:36

Ok well...your dh was not behaving responsibly in going out and having a tankful the night before, to the point where he had to stop the car and have a sleep. Of course he did the right thing in the circumstances, BUT he was stupid in creating those in the first place. I wouldn't go on and on about it, but if my dh did this he would fucking know about it! Rampant arseholery is what that is.

On the other hand your dh's ex does seem to be really punishing him for it.

Perhaps he drank too much when mattied to her, or was reckless/irresponsible in other ways. If his behaviour contributed significantly to the break up at all, she is not going to thank him for bringing it back into her or their son's life. Once bitten twice shy and all that.

Just a thought x

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 10:21:04

But I assume as you were in a hotel she was only close by and didn't have to drive hundreds of miles?
She is angry and reacting a little irrationally but you are coming across a little picky at her and this may well have wound her up some more. Good advice is to detach yourself and let your dh deal with it.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 10:21:25

Wizard I can see where you're coming from, but the times she allows us to pick him up are 9 times out of 10 weekends. That's our busiest time work wise (self employed in the leisure/hospitality industry) we accept we need to make effort to pick him up, that's not a problem but when she won't even meet half way and wants money, its grinds on me. We're not exactly well off, but manage to get by like every other household in the country in this economic climate.

The thing is I know how she works. She always kicks up a fuss about something, but by the time it comes down to the next kids holiday, she will be begging for us to have him which of course we will as we want him with us.

The bad feelings would be brushed under the carpet if it wasn't for her keep bringing their relationship up. She slates me and doesn't even know me, we've net a few times but are polite for dss sake. Ever since we've got together she's tried to split us up sad

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 10:22:53

The trouble is there is history between them and obviously not good history.

dignifiedsilence Sun 02-Jun-13 10:25:47

Yes he shouldn't of gone out the night before and he did the right thing pulling over so long as its lesson learnt then no harm done. However...his ex should not be calling the shots no way no how!! Not read the whole thread but how did she find out anyway?? IMHO his ex is acting like she is your OH's mother and not the mother of his child. She certainly should NOT being having a discussion with a 7 year old about Daddys suitability as a parent or driver or otherwise. I would get the train or bus before I would pass petrol money over. The woman is a control freak.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 10:35:15

Dignified she found out when dh said he was still driving and dss spoke to her whilst in the car diving and said his dad had to have a sleep.

Of course he's learnt his lesson, but its punishing their relationship (dh & dss)

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks she's going a bit OTT sad

We were a good 45 minute drive from where she lives. Drink driving is drink driving isn't it?

The breaking point for the relationship between the two of them was when dh couldn't stand her heavy drinking and control issues over him (dh mum dies of alcoholism so it was haunting him with the way his mum was when he was dss agesad)

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 10:37:35

Goodness, if she is such a heavy drinker then surely he should have gone for custody. I am amazed he is happy for his ds to live with her.

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 10:38:11

And either he moved or he let her move hundreds of miles away.

DontmindifIdo Sun 02-Jun-13 10:40:14

dignified - the OP said her DSS told his mother what happened.

OP - I wouldn't offer her the petrol money, if she wants to come get DSS today, she can, or you will accompany your DP in driving DSS home so you can both share the driving. Her choice. If you know she's going ot be begging you to take him next holiday, then again, offer that.

Can I check as well, this friend your DP went out and got langered stayed up too late with, is this someone who was rather 'leading DP astray' during their marriage?

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 10:43:09

We've spoken with a solicitor and its difficult to prove that now she is a heavy drinker. We don't really have much ground to stand on. Both sides of our family don't live by us, all he dm family are within 15/20 minute drive. All the things we could use against her are so difficult to prove as its all emotions and wordssad I don't know if we would offer him a better living standard. A lot of friends and family have said we would, but were not sure what differences there are. Obviously we're married, and dss mum is a single parent. There has been bad family history with her direct family, not sure if that would go against her. The thing is, she threatened dss the other week with 'if you don't behave you can go and live with your dad!' sad He got very upset at this, but we think it might just be the abandonment idea of his mum not living with him. We have him back yesterday and all the night before and yesterday he was very quiet and not talking much. When dh asked him what was wrong he said he didn't want to go home sad

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 10:44:57

Dontmind, no not at all. Just an old uni friend who he has stayed in contact with and has always offered us a bed for the night if we ever go to visit.

Rainbow, she moved away initially. Our move wasn't any further than when she moved first.

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 10:47:37

I don't buy it. No decent parent would live so far away when their child was living in such awful circumstances. You are seriously saying your dh left because he couldn't take it but left his child there.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 10:52:47

It's not like he's neglected as going to school in dirty clothes and lives in a hovel. His mum has issues

Sh1ney Sun 02-Jun-13 10:54:18

What difference does her being a single parent make? Nothing, by the way.

The drinking is another thing though - your thread seems all over the place and has evolved from a simple 'was my DH wise to rest as he felt tired? '

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 10:56:05

Her drinking was bad enough though that your dh had to leave her. He must think she is a decent parent as he would have taken his son with him.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 10:56:56

I never said it made a difference, just clarifying the situation.

All over the place? No in just answering

Arisbottle Sun 02-Jun-13 10:57:32

I would have grave reservations about setting up home with a man who abandoned his child to live with an alcoholic.

SgtTJCalhoun Sun 02-Jun-13 11:22:30

What has her being a single parent got to with anything?

Honestly the more I read this, the sorrier I feel for her.

An ex who thinks it's ok to sleep with his 7 year old in GB's car because he was pissed up the night before and this same ex and his new DP slagging her off to anyone that will listen. She's a heavy drinker but he left her with his child? I am sorry but I can only see one bad parent here and without hearing her side it is your DH I am afraid.

You sound thoroughly poisonous the pair of you and like a million other exes and their gullible new partners, enjoying being united in being full of criticism for the ex.

pictish Sun 02-Jun-13 11:35:02

He left her because of her control issues and heavy drinking?
I think that very unlikely.
What I think is far more likely is that she ditched him for the same.

Beware of formong an opinion about a woman you don't really know. I bet she has a very different take on events from your man there.

Let's face it - so far what has happened is that he has placed drinking above the care of his son, and she hasn't.

Yet she has a drink problem, according to you two. Something's not right there.

Arisbottle Sun 02-Jun-13 11:53:15

It is much more likely that they were/ are both heavy drinkers than just the ex. as Pictish says you actually have first hand evidence of DH putting drink before his son. The son he has limited time with.

Kaluki Sun 02-Jun-13 12:40:35

Dress it up how you like - HE put his son in danger by driving while it was unsafe to do so.
You can sling mud at his ex and her drinking habits but it doesn't alter the fact that your DH was in the wrong.
And difference does it make that you are married and she is single? Does that automatically make you perfect parents?
Grow up OP and take the consequences of your irresponsible husbands actions!

mumandboys123 Sun 02-Jun-13 12:48:51

very depressing....the married woman considering herself way superior to the single mum. Says it all. Exactly how single mums are viewed by society, second class citizens, not good enough, always a problem to someone. Sigh.

TobyLerone Sun 02-Jun-13 12:57:34

Why couldn't he have just taken his DS into the shop with him?

He was irresponsible for going out the night before and being too tired to drive safely. And he's lying about only having had a couple of drinks and having had 6 hours sleep.

Also, what pictish & SgtCalhoun said.

What pictish said.

mynewpassion Sun 02-Jun-13 14:00:40

Its good to see that you and your DH concede that his choices the night before driving his son home were less than ideal. Making progress.

dotcomlovenest Sun 02-Jun-13 14:39:17

I think your DP was a bit of dick for going out etc. But his ex is laying it on thick, she has no legal right to stop contact or demand that she pick him up and you pay.
If she wants to come get him I would not pay her a penny.
If she doesn't allow contact take her to court the judge will likely order a section 7 and you will be found capable of keeping the son safe and she will look like a dick, that doesn't have her child's best interests at heart.

dignifiedsilence Sun 02-Jun-13 15:32:07

Like I said though so long as he has learnt his lesson and to be honest it is good the child is not made to keep secrets ie 'Don't tell Mummy' is never a good idea IMO. Although yeah it would concern me too as we all like to protect our children I certainly wouldn't be reacting like this unless my ex did it all the time. Who am I to dictate to him how to look after our child when in his company? If he was a suitable choice for a father when the baby was created then he should be free to make decisions on his childs welfare when in his care whether you are in a relationship with them or not.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 16:51:26

So two pints is being a heavy drinker? Hmmm ok.

She has done a brilliant job with dss. He is a polite, lovely little boy but I fear what will happen in the future if she carries on with batting dss down whenever he questions anything to do with dh or I. She has been making things up about me that dss has spoken to me about.

I agree that he should've had an early night and all that, but none of you seem to get the point I'm trying I get across. She's neglecting dss of his father who wants to see him. One of the very rare fathers who isn't a Disney dad, or doesn't want to know.

Arisbottle Sun 02-Jun-13 16:56:22

I don't think it is unusual to not be a Disney or absent Dad. It sounds to me that you think your DSS should be grateful for his father's mere presence .

NotaDisneyMum Sun 02-Jun-13 17:04:24

none of you seem to get the point I'm trying I get across. She's neglecting dss of his father who wants to see him. One of the very rare fathers who isn't a Disney dad, or doesn't want to know.

She's not actually done it though, has she?

If/when she does, then there are plenty of experienced people here who can talk you through the options open to your DP - in the mean time, let things cool off, and chalk it up to experience. In high-conflict separations, it is best for the DCs if the NRP is 'whiter than white'. Your DP made an error of judgement and his ex is exploiting it.
If she follows through on her threat to withhold contact there are steps your DP can take - but his parenting will be put under scrutiny so it will be of great benefit if all his decisions are taken with his DC in mind.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 17:12:27

Not at all, his mum should be grateful! Dss didn't ask to be brought into the world. I wish I could step in and try and calm things between the two of them but I end up getting infuriated by how things are blown out of proportion.

Only time will tell.

Arisbottle Sun 02-Jun-13 17:15:21

Your stepson's mother should be grateful that he has not totally abandoned the child that he helped to create. What high standards you have?

Will you also be grateful if he doesn't totally abandon any children that you have?

His mum should be be grateful? For what? I'm confused hmm

Look, your dp made a mistake, one that would worry and anger a lot of parents, his ex has probably knee jerked in her reaction, can't you just accept that? You seem to be doing everything you can to get people to agree and sympathise with you, o the point that each post brings new revelations.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 17:51:53

I have spoken with a lot of parents in the job I do where a parent has abandoned the child sad it's more common than I ever thought.

Arisbottle Sun 02-Jun-13 18:07:41

Yes there are people who abandon their children , they are not in the majority and women should not feel grateful because a man does not abandon the children they chose to conceive.

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 18:10:52

But op, your dh did abandon his child to live with a heavy drinker. He was able to make that choice to leave as it reminded him of the horror of his own mother yet is fine in leaving his ds to this horror.

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 18:11:55

I also think he was further negletful to move so far away from such a dreadful mother. If he didnt want to take his son with him out of this situation at least he could have made sure he was close by.

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 18:13:06

I don't understand the grateful bit. I am sure you are not saying his mum should be grafetul to yoru dh seeing him every school holiday.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 18:31:43

No my dh didn't abandon his child for a heavy drinker. God no! Dss mother was a heavy drinker, unsure as of now as we don't know her social life.

pictish Sun 02-Jun-13 18:43:18

No one needs to stop in a service station for a sleep on 6 hours sleep and 2 pints OP. He's lying about how much he drank and what time he went to bed...and on that I'd stake my last tenner.

And his ex should be grateful should she? Grateful for what exactly? That her son's father bothers with him? Bow down to the prince of men people...and it was only a little nap.

You sound so naive OP...and I guess that's because you are.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 02-Jun-13 18:47:12

No my dh didn't abandon his child for a heavy drinker. God no! Dss mother was a heavy drinker, unsure as of now as we don't know her social life.

k8 the point is, your DP left his relationship with a heavy drinker and left his DS in her care.

Not only that, he moved 100's of miles away, and isn't there for his DS should he need him.

Rainbowinthesky Sun 02-Jun-13 18:59:05

I would bet my last tenner that there is a lot more to this story from the view point of the mother. Honestly, op, can you hand on heart say he is a fab dad? He may well be but you haven't painted a great picture of him despite trying ever so hard to do so.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 19:12:01

Why should I bother, all I'm getting is a slating and I'm only after an opinion of the situation. All I've had is 'oh you're so naive, don't you realise?', 'Grow up' and being asked if I really want children with a man who has as much of a drink problem as his ex. He doesn't have a fu**ing drink problem, that's not what this was meant to be about. It's like a kids playground and people are making too many assumptions on my dh, and things are being twisted, exaggerated and escalated.

Feel free to slag me off, but I give up! So much for mumsnet being a place where you can get advice from people who have been in a similar situation

pictish Sun 02-Jun-13 19:24:42

It will suit him no end to have you lap up his version of events...but the facts speak for themselves.

He says that his ex wife is a heavy drinker, yet he left his son to it and moved hundreds of miles away.
When he does get to see his son, he is so hungover he needs to pull in at service station to sleep...despite declaring two pints and being tucked up in bed by the time the clock struck midnight.

Oh and he's got you thinking his ex should be grateful for this!! Three cheers for daddy!!

It's not your fault're just repeating what you've been told. I think if you spoke to his ex you'd hear a different story.

And he lies. Two pints and six hours my backside. He was sleeping in a service station ffs!

You can't trust a liar.

pictish Sun 02-Jun-13 19:27:48

Fair dos OP.
I don't know what to advise you regarding the ex wife. She can't insist on those terms at all. You do not need to pay her to pick him up. If she wants to play at silly buggers then she can find the petrol money.

K8eee Sun 02-Jun-13 19:29:31

Hang on, hang on. I need to correct you all too!

She has never been his wife
He didn't move 100's of miles away, she did
Tiredness was also more than likely brought on by the amount of work he has taken on, but ohhhh no, again you'll all think I'm just trying to yet again have blinkers on, well no I haven't and don't need them on as I know it's the god damn truth!

I hate seeing anyone get a slating OP, but I don't think you have, although you see quite happy to slate your dps ex.

There are always two sides to every story, I'm sure the ex has over reacted, but I also think your dp has not been quite honest with the truth either.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Sun 02-Jun-13 19:31:52

Adults know how much sleep they need. I don't need much and I can drink like a fish and feel fine the next morning but I wouldn't in a million years go out drinking the night before a 250 mile car journey, especially not with a child. My mother lives a similar distance and I take my dcs up regularly. I always make sure I get a good nights sleep the night before because I don't want to be one of those arseholes who falls asleep at the wheel and ruins peoples lives. I know we are all used to driving all over the place but cars are lethal in the hands of tired people. I would doubt he was on top form after a cat nap and a can of red bull. I think he created a situation where he was too tired to drive and he ploughed ahead without a thought for his 6 yo ds and all the other people on the road. I would be furious.

pictish Sun 02-Jun-13 19:32:39

I'm just saying - don't be so certain that it's all her innate evil at play here.

Ok, but surely even you can see that having to nap so soon after starting a journey is a bit odd, can't you?

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Sun 02-Jun-13 19:33:49

Your petrol money or her petrol money. What's the difference?

pictish Sun 02-Jun-13 19:34:20

Ok ok....I will stick to telling you she cannot demand those terms.
See a solicitor.

IThinkOfHappyWhenIThinkOfYou Sun 02-Jun-13 19:34:59

So he's exhausted through work but he stayed up until midnight the night before an early start and a long drive. That's worse.

racmun Sun 02-Jun-13 20:56:54

Sounds like an excuse from the ex to cause trouble, was she looking for something to use as a reason? Who knows what she gets up to......

What does she actually want - to stop contact, to do all the driving, to make a fuss for the sake if it?

Is she very controlling?

My DH's ex is a nightmare and I mean a nightmare who tries to control everything- she assaulted me and got cautioned for it 9 weeks ago and we haven't seen dss since. Her doing not ours, poor dh has resigned himself that unless she wants us to have him she will make our lives unbearable and he's not prepared to risk her coming round here and attacking me. She won't even let dh speak to him on the phone - pathetic but true. There is a court order in place which she just ignores and despite going back to court 4 times nothing happens to her and dh is just exhausted with it all after 5 years.

Some parents will use their children anyway they can to control their ex and if they she is out of that mould then your dh may just have to live 'her' choices. Very very unfair

K8eee Mon 03-Jun-13 11:06:41

She's very controlling, sets out the rules, and we have no say on anything. We can't do right. We go to a school play; we sit in the wrong place. We ring the school to see how he's getting on; they tell us he's struggling, she tells us otherwise. Drives us both insane!

NotaDisneyMum Mon 03-Jun-13 12:01:36

k8tee Your posts imply that you see you and your DP as an equal team in your DSD life - you refer to we are controlled, and we do things.

Is that what your DP expects of you?

AmberLeaf Mon 03-Jun-13 12:34:36

This scenario sounds familiar?

AmberLeaf Mon 03-Jun-13 12:46:28

I think your DH was in the wrong though.

Staying up late boozing when you know that you have a long drive with your child in the morning is stupid.

Lying to the childs mum as to why you took so long to get home is stupid too.

I don't blame her for being annoyed.

Hang on. The only reason she wants petrol money in this situation is because your dh can't be trusted to act like a responsible adult when driving his son.

I wouldn't let him bring j

*him home under the circumstances either!

Why should she be out of pocket doing something she hasn't planned for, but has been forced upon her?

I'm sorry to say, I'm not sure I believe your character assassination considering it only started when people weren't agreeing with you....

swingofthings Mon 10-Jun-13 15:40:01

I think it was totally irresponsible. 45 minutes alone in a car in some strange place. It's very surprising that the child didn't try to get out. You say that your DH was sleeping lightly. How could you possibly know that? Even he might have thought he was, but actually was snoring his nostrils out deep in sleep.

Whether he needs more than 6 hours or not is irrelevant. If he knew that 6 hours would mean he could drive safely the following day, then he shouldn't have gone to bed at the time he did.

The fact he lied to his ex shows that he knows he did wrong and of course, that made it even worse afterwards. Do you really not see how wrong his actions were?

tigerrose Mon 10-Jun-13 16:49:19

I think that if he knows he is going to drive with a 7 year old in the car the next day that he should not have gne out the night before!
some times men only think of themselves, he should have been aware that he may be over the limit if he had a drink and lack of sleep can effect your response times. very iresponsible! he did the right thing to stop as he had no option if he wanted to be safe on the road, it was the lesser of 2 evils. but he should not have gone out the night before - is he a teenager!?. being a mum I can understand the exes concerns but he shoudl still be able to see his child with the proviso does not happen again. sorry if this sounds harsh but thats how I see it

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