honest and possibly sensitive question, but, if you knew then what you know now, would you have got involved with someone who had kids?

(62 Posts)
wannaBe Fri 05-Apr-13 17:57:42

was going to namechange for this but ...

Before I was married and had my ds I was adament that I would never get involved with someone who had kids. It just seemed like a complete nightmare to me, although obviously at that point I had no dc of my own so didn't have that maternal thing iyswim.

Now I have a ds who is ten, and me and h separated in July last year. I am by no means even in the market for dating let alone getting into any kind of relationship, but sometimes I see posts on here from step parents and the issues they have being a blended/step/(whatever the correct term is) family and I think that maybe my resolve to never get involved with someone with kids hasn't actually changed.

But then the alternative is to only get involved with someone who doesn't have kids, who in turn wouldn't have a clue, and wouldn't that make me a hipocrit?

I'm not even sure this is the right place for this, but perhaps I am less likely to get a pasting here than on say ibu or chat...

So - did you ever think about it? and if you knew then what you know now, would you have thought differently?

And just to clarify, I'm not suggesting for a minute that anyone regrets the situation they're in at the moment, just whether or not with hindsight they may have made different decisions...

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 18:12:35

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. I don't regret being with my DP, as I love him and we wouldn't have our children if I hadn't have met him. But if I knew then what I know now, I would have been able to prepare myself. But nobody knows what the future holds.

I had no idea; I was young. I was naive.

Xalla Fri 05-Apr-13 18:13:30

I think about this quite a bit. Step-parenting / living with a blended family has been much harder that I ever imagined it would be. I went into it with rose-tinted glasses and a totally naive attitude, blinded by love.

Regardless, I adore my DH and we're happy. We have two precious kids together and another on the way. I always tell my girlfriends never to do what I did but it's hypocritical of me, coz I'd do it all over again!

I do worry about my DSD constantly going back and forth between two totally different homes but it's all she's ever known and the alternative (her not seeing my DH much / at all) would probably be worse for her ultimately. And anyway, at the end of the day, that's not really my business. It's her parents' choice.

I think the hardest thing for me about step-parenting is that nothing ever seems to be black or white - there are so many grey areas. I frequently have no idea what is 'the best' for my DSD or how I should respond to various situations. I can't parent her by instinct in the same way I do my own kids. It doesn't come naturally and I'm always trying to second guess what my DH / her Mum would do in their absence.

I've gone off track. Yes, I'd do it all again!

vitaminC Fri 05-Apr-13 18:23:12

I felt like you after leaving my (EA) ex. In fact there were times I even stupidly told myself I'd have to get back with him if I ever wanted another relationship before my kids were all grown up (currently 14, 10 and 8)!

Eventually, after I'd settled into a new, happy life with my 3 girls and my studies/career plans and decided a man was the last thing I needed, my male best friend called to tell me he was separating from his (EA) partner and a few weeks later, it all just sort of fell into place and we ended up dating.

We've now been living together for 8 months and have decided to get married in a few weeks. I love his kids and he loves mine, and even better: when we have all 6 together, they all get along great - it's as if they've always known each other. The big, happy family I'd always dreamed of smile

I honestly never in a million years imagined things would turn out this way, but I certainly have no regrets. I've never been happier, and neither have any of our kids, who are all thrilled about the wedding.

flurp Fri 05-Apr-13 18:29:22

No. But I would still do it all again for my DP. I know it makes no sense but I love him enough to put up with it all. If (god forbid) things went wrong between me and him, hell would freeze before I even looked at a man with kids!!!
If I could do anything differently I would have taken more time before 'blending' our families. I rushed in head first and regretted it and we had to work hard to set new rules for everyone which would have been easier if done slower.

likesnowflakesinanocean Fri 05-Apr-13 18:32:37

for dp yes, because I know when its good its really good but if we were to split up I don't know. I cherish the relationship with my sc so I would hope I could do it again but it doesn't come without its problems being in a blended family

balia Fri 05-Apr-13 20:04:25

I wonder if my answer would have been different if asked at different times over the years. Certainly my life would have been calmer, not as stressful. I've certainly learned a lot. But DH and I, and all our kids are in a good place now, so it has all been worth it. And I think both having a child meant we could find common ground even when things were very difficult. I'm not sure I'd have coped so well if one of us didn't have a child.

No chance. I wouldn't change being with dh, but if we split up, I wouldn't start a relationship with a man with children. Obviously, this would make me a total hypocrite as I have ds, so I'd just choose to remain single.

For me, I would have still gotten involved with him, but I would have reacted to a lot of stuff differently. And probably made better decisions than the ones I did make.

NotaDisneyMum Fri 05-Apr-13 23:13:41

I wouldn't have gone beyond the dating stage with DP if I'd known how screwed up his kids would be by our relationship sad

I would have stayed well away from his family life and only spent time with him when the DCs were with their Mum.

Their opinion of their Dad has been irreparably damaged because I'm a part of his life. If he'd continued to do as his ex wife said, and if he had kept his time with me apart from his time with his DCs, then his DCs would be a lot less conflicted and have positive relationships with both their parents.

It's not just the DCs I'm thinking of; I live with the guilt every day, and while I couldn't be happier with my DP, the cost hasn't been to me, it's been to his DCs sad

iluvsummer Sat 06-Apr-13 00:25:31

Never in a million years, if I had truly known what a screwed up situation it is I would have run like the wind in the opposite direction!! I love my dh and wouldn't have my ds if I hadn't met him but oh my god I have never come across such a quite frankly fucked up family in my life!

dignifiedsilence Sat 06-Apr-13 10:08:15

I never dated a man with children and when I did it seemed so short lived I never suffered the wrath of a bitter ex so it didn't affect me. I thought I'd got to an age where I'd seen and done everything and nothing could shock me......how wrong was I? I love my OH as much as you can love someone but being honest I am not sure if I would do this again....

NADM you always seem balanced and fair with opinions you give on here and no way should you feel guilty for how his kids behave. Its not you who is to blame here (and maybe I don't know enough about your situation) its your OH and his ex. I'm tipping he just put up with her demands for a quiet life until you came along then things got changed and IMHO probably for the good. The chains of control were removed from the ex as your OH probably had to grow a backbone and establish a good routine for his DC with you as part of his life. If your OH is dealing with a toxic ex like mine is then you can't win no matter what you do. There is no possible way of sheltering the dc for the utter carnage that ensues when the ex doesn't get her own way. However if you offer a stable home with a good routine and a bit of love thrown in my hope is they will grow up to see the truth for themselves.

NADM you defo should not feel guilty IMO you are doing more than your bit. x x

Pinkshaman Sat 06-Apr-13 10:16:42

I have a dd and dsd both with xh. I knew before I met xh that the likelihood of meeting someone without dc was slim because of my age, and again when I left him that anyone I met would have a family.

I don't think I would have been attracted to someone without one this time round. My bf just gets that I have to put dd and dsd first sometimes, he was also highly aware of how dd was being when he was around, he noticed little nuances in her behaviour more than me. It meant we could make sure she wasn't feeling left out. And when her Dad got a gf and did leave her out, he was right behind me doing more one to one things with her. He's been brilliant with dsd too.

From my point of view it wasn't always easy being childless and with someone who had a child. It meant holidays in school holidays, holidays were very different, our freedom to be able to go out at weekends was curtailed. It took getting used to. Then there was the aggro we got from her mum, messing around with contact, abusive phone calls, and all the Saturday mornings spent combing out headlice. And as dsd got older the fact that she had no boundaries set or enforced by either parent became really hard. She had me in tears many times and we had huge rows.

Dsd has been an utter blessing though. I learnt to look beyond the behaviour. She was just a kid who was hurting and wanting her mum to care. She lives with me now, and while its been rocky at times, I love her dearly and she seems to have responded to me setting some boundaries. She is an amazing big sister and fun to have around. She really does not deserve how her parents have treated her.

And my bf in turn has two adult children and two grandchildren. They don't live close but we see them fairly often and it's great fun when we are all together. It works.

So overall, yes definitely without a shadow of a doubt.

NippyDrips Sat 06-Apr-13 10:35:53

No, I wouldn't do it again. We are generally all getting along well and dsd spends a lot of time with me and my children but it has been hard work getting to where we are.

It's not necessarily the child that would put me off but all the other people that come with. The ex - I hate another women having so much control over our lives. We get along well at the moment but its a balancing act and she refuses contact as and when it suits. Usually when she gets a new boyfriend. The inlaws - even though we are painstakingly careful to treat all the children equally when they are with us, Mil was detirmined that dsd wouldn't be pushed out. To the extent that she expected her to have special treatment over and above my children. Time has shown her that dsd is never pushed put and enjoys being with us but the early days were a nightmare. Dsd could do no wrong, my children were evil and dsd wasn't allowed to be told off, even if she was doing the exact same thing as the rest.

I think its a testament to us being fair that dsd chooses to spend her time in our home even when her dad is at work the majority of the time so she is here with me and my lot. The fact that her mum is happy with that too shows how far we have come too but its been hard work.

WeAreEternal Sat 06-Apr-13 10:42:56

I have another question for those in this situation.

If there was no ex/other parent, either the father of your DC or the ex of your DP (in other words they were a completely single parent)
Do you think that would make a difference?

smilingthroughgrittedteeth Sat 06-Apr-13 10:47:12

Ive wrote 3 different replies and deleted them all because the truth is I just dont know.

I love my dp and my dsc and when we are all together life is good so I have no regrets.

When dsc are with their mum and dp is missing them so is snappy and grouchy I sometimes wish he either didnt have children or that they lived with us permanently because he can be unbearable at times, usually the first few days after dropping them back to their mums house. If you asked me then id say
No I absolutely wouldnt get involved with a man with children again.

Im very lucky that the disney dad stage didnt really last long and my dsc have accepted me, ive worked hard to forge a relationship with them that has nothing to do with dp so as a family unit we are happy and secure.

If I could go back in time I wouldnt change a thing but I would have liked some warning on how much hard work it would be to get to the stage we are now, dp's ex is a nightmare and at times ive wanted to walk away from the drama and stress she creates.

If dp and I ever split then I wouldnt get involved with another man who has children purely because I couldnt cope with the ex again.

ElenorRigby Sat 06-Apr-13 10:48:52

Without doubt no.

The last few years have been the hardest of my life. I entered into this wide eyed and naive. I have been left bruised and battered.

I openly tell anyone who wants to hear, DO NOT get involved with someone who has kids, especially if the DSC's mother is still around.

If DP and I ever split I'd never want to be involved with anyone else.
Being on my own would be far far preferable to the stress another blended family.

balia Sat 06-Apr-13 11:02:16

^If there was no ex/other parent, either the father of your DC or the ex of your DP (in other words they were a completely single parent)
Do you think that would make a difference?^

Without question. The actions of DSS's mother made things very hard - denying access, false accusations, the effect these things had on DH, depression etc. And then when he did start to get contact, he was so overwhelmed and terrified that DSS wouldn't want to come he Disney parented, causing a lot of strife.

NADM, I really feel for you. I guess I'm lucky because I know that DSS's mum would have behaved badly regardless of me (I was a convenient excuse for a bit). I genuinely think that if people are abusive enough to damage their children for their own ends then they will do so whatever happens - it just may have been slower and more insidious.

dignifiedsilence Sat 06-Apr-13 11:10:13

Yeah balia I feel the same I was a convenient excuse and false accusations made against me so know exactly how you feel.

I don't think I would of got involved if my OH was a widower though. Thats not being single by choice so that would be a whole different ball game.

purpleroses Sat 06-Apr-13 13:08:40

We've been living together less than a year, but so far no regrets. Before I met DP I'd been single (with two DC) for several years, and dated a few men without kids. It never really worked out, and on meeting DP one of the things that really worked between us is that we both do understand the relationship each of us have with our DCs. Even though I don't love the DSC they way I love my own, I do completely understand that DP does. I'm not sure I'd have "got" that really if I didn't have my own - and so I don't think a man without DCs will really get your relationship with your own.

That said, a large complicated stepfamily, which I'm now in, is a very different thing indeed from a simple nuclear family - which was what I wanted when I first had children. I've had to come to terms with never ever going to get that, and try to embrace what I have instead. We need to juggle our plans for everything between three households (ours, my ex's and DP's ex's), which isn't easy. I do sometimes long for the simple, self-contained feel of the family I grew up in and see many friends in. If I had found a man without DCs, I'd have something a bit closer to that I guess.

Unlike many who post on this board, we don't have any major difficulties with DP's ex though - who is generally reasonable - I think that does make the whole thing a lot easier.

Lilypad34 Sat 06-Apr-13 17:56:57

If I knew then what I know now, I would have kept well away to ensure I didn't get to know dh and fall in love with him! Not having or wanting children of my own to becoming a 'step mum' has been a huge learning curve. In the main life is peachy but there are some times (very very few) when I could walk and keep walking!!

DoctorAnge Sat 06-Apr-13 18:34:35

No

Thing33 Sat 06-Apr-13 22:22:24

No, definitely not.
I wouldn't change anything now though, obviously I love DH and am glad I married him; but if I had to embark on another relationship then I would not do so with a man who had children, even though I have them now and did not when I met DH.
The reasons are not really to do with any DC as such, more that I just find it all so hard to deal with.

allnewtaketwo Sat 06-Apr-13 22:44:44

NADM, if your DP had continued to do as his ex had said, then all the children would have learned was that subservience to a bully is the answer, well ahead of ever fulfilling their own needs or developing any kind of self respect or self esteem

willyoulistentome Sat 06-Apr-13 22:52:42

I have been married 13 years, have 3 now grown up SKIDS and 2 primary aged of my own. I would never ever do it again. I so often wish I could turn back the clock and say no thanks to that first date.

TrinityRhino Sat 06-Apr-13 22:54:26

its fucking hard but I would do it all again

flurp Sun 07-Apr-13 18:32:54

If there was no ex wife I would definitely do it again.
All our problems stem from her, either directly or indirectly.
My stepkids are lovely kids but they are confused and scared of being seen to take sides in their parents constant battleground of a relationship.
They have gone home after spending a week with us and both have been quiet and worried today because they know they will get the Spanish Inquisition when they get home and if they let on they had a good time she will be cross.
Same as if they mention their mum here DP scowls or rolls his eyes.
Poor things! sad

VBisme Sun 07-Apr-13 18:56:31

It's definitely not the kids that cause an issue, it's DH's ex and her inability to leave us alone.

I wasn't the OW, she kicked DH out for another man, but she's managed to rewrite history in her own mind and is the victim (because DH and I have a nice life together). So even after 5 years we still get abuse, threats to stop contact etc, most of which revolve around her relationships rather than the wants or needs of the kids.

I don't know if I'd do it again, but I would certainly go in with my eyes open, I could weep with frustration at the naive woman I was back then.

FrauMoose Sun 07-Apr-13 20:08:55

I was 35 when I met my partner, who is older than I am. Most people have accumulated a bit of history by this point in their lives. If he hadn't had one or two serious relationships and attempted to 'settle', I think that too would have made things complicated. One of the things that attracted me to him was seeing what a good, caring father he was. (So no regrets. Though I was naive about some of the difficulties of the step-parenting role. Mind you lots of people have very unrealistic ideas about what it will be like having a baby.)

planeticketplease Sun 07-Apr-13 22:00:36

If there was no ex on the scene I would maybe do it again. With an ex still present, I really don't think I would. I wouldn't change having our dc or being with dh, but it has been so hard so often that I've felt close to going under at times. I had absolutely no idea what I was letting myself in for and tbh I think it is impossible to know what step parenting will be like.

I put up with the venom from the ex and the fact that life is so hard because the dsc and I have made so much progress together and all worked so hard at it, because I love dh and because I dont want to break up my dd's family, and because finally the dsc have stability with us. That has all been worth working for, but would I do it again if I knew then what I know now? Frankly, no, I'd run for the hills and never stop running.

Petal02 Sun 07-Apr-13 22:16:56

I've never, ever regretted getting together with DH, he's a truly lovely guy. But if he ran off with the woman next door (or any other woman for that matter) I'd be VERY wary of getting involved with a man with children . Some of my darkest hours have occurred during access weekends.

But if you refuse to date men with children, then you really narrow the field!!

I would do it all over again for DH, but probably only for him. I love him and DSD to pieces, but when we first moved in together, I found it all really overwhelming. And I don't have it half as bad as some of the SMs here!

I didn't have kids of my own going into our relationship, but I have had to accept that my life is going to be a lot more limited than it could be, because we have DSD's needs to consider (and also DH's). That has been taking some time to get used to. My independence and ability to move wherever I wanted - to pursue the next adventure or the next career opportunity, or even pursuing the best local school system - has been curtailed long term so that DSD and DH can maintain their access arrangement. I know that just plain getting married and having children would do that, to a degree, but I think the limits are more firmly in place in our stepfamily because DSD has access to her mom as well. If we upped sticks and moved, it would have to be without DSD, because obviously Mum would fight for her to stay put - and DH understandably doesn't want to leave DSD behind.

Sometimes, I think it would be more convenient for me if DH was a completely single parent, a la Jude Law in The Holiday. But the truth is, DSD and I have completely different personalities and don't always understand each other. We both make a lot of effort to get along, but I'm still headstrong and bold, and she's still shy and sensitive. I'm actually glad her mom's around, because at least DSD has a female in her life who doesn't accidentally run her over sometimes. blush

Petal02 Mon 08-Apr-13 12:57:28

Even though DSD has never lived with us (it was always an EOW arrangement) it's been hard to accept that my life is ruled by a non-resident child and a woman I never met (the ex).

Pinkshaman Mon 08-Apr-13 13:18:43

It was never the child that was the issue for me, it was always the adults involved and how they behaved. If they hadn't been how they were there wouldn't have been the issues that there were.

How my bf felt about his ex was one of the first things I looked for. When he said they were friends and separated amicably, sorting out finances without a solicitor he got a big tick in the box.

NatashaBee Mon 08-Apr-13 17:15:02

No, I wouldn't. It makes me so cross when people say on here 'you knew what you were getting into when you married a man with children'. In reality, you can't predict at all what that's going to be like. Even if you get on reasonably well with the stepchildren's other parent, there are so many dynamics to the relationship that a non-step parent wouldn't think to consider and minor things that happen that can escalate - the child feeling loyal to both parents and not wanting to appear like they had a good time at the other's house, the practicalities of sorting out who 'gets' Christmas/birthdays/mothers day/fathers day each year, even dealing with your stepchild getting upset over their mother getting upset because they bought you a card on mother's day, negotiating all the potential issues that might arise, like whether you should do their washing before sending them off to the other parent, whether it's OK for a step-parent to sign their study diary for school, agreeing acceptable rules for both houses so that both parents are on the same page with regard to discipline, right down to whether you feed your stepchild a roast dinner before you return them to their other parent's home confused.

I feel like I've aged 20 years in the last 4 years - and I generally get on reasonably well with DH's ex-wife, at least to the point that she and I usually sort out all the arrangements rather than her talking to DH. God knows how I'd feel and how tough I'd find it if it was less amicable and there were constant arguments and disagreements. Exactly as Petal02 said, it completely rules your life in ways you'll never even imagine until you're in the situation. When I first got together with my husband, I looked at his relationship with his ex-wife (they managed to at least talk to eachother civilly, so i thought it would be OK), and the fact that DSD accepted me, and thought it would all be fine. <hollow laugh>

DoctorAnge Mon 08-Apr-13 18:34:59

Yes Natasha. I also walked into what looked like a "reasonable " set up that turned into a full on War over the years. I aged 20 yrs in 8. I thought if I was simply kind and loving the SC would like me.... Hollow laugh indeed.....

FrauMoose Mon 08-Apr-13 18:46:36

But then lots of people in non-step relationships think, 'Oh yes this looks like a lovely decent uncomplicated prospective partner.'

And sometimes they're right. And sometimes - well - they aren't....

NotaDisneyMum Mon 08-Apr-13 18:59:48

frau of course they do, but ending a failing relationship in which step-children are involved is a very different proposition to ending one where there are no DCs.

Step children have almost always experienced the loss or separation of their parents already in their life, and step parents are often involved in picking up the pieces from that, which makes it a lot harder to cut your loses and leave if things aren't what you anticipate!

FrauMoose Mon 08-Apr-13 19:53:41

Yes, I'd agree - though an awful lot of people do end up discovering they're not suited after the children have appeared. Uncomplicated separations and divorces appear to be in very short supply....

Yes, I would, but then Dss was 16 when i met dh so it was only a couple of years of turbulence, now Dss is 21, things are fairly harmonious.

I feel v sorry for DH and his previous gf (not ow)- his ex really made their lives hell.

Eliza22 Tue 09-Apr-13 16:58:41

I'm with DoctorAnge. I was naive. I met DH long after his wife's affair that finished their marriage. One of his kids hates me. It has been and continues to be total hell. I am condemned by her and my refuting of her accusations is never heard. The years go by and my confidence is practically non-existent.

Yes, I love DH so yes I'd do it again but I'd be tougher and not take any nastiness.

Fairylea Tue 09-Apr-13 17:02:33

Well I am very hypocritical because when I was a single parent with dd there was no way I would have got involved with another single parent... being a single parent is difficult enough without having two exes to contend with a different contact weekends etc and not to mention two or more children arguing etc.

But...
Clearly I expected someone childless to become involved with me and I've never ever had issues - I've had a few serious relationships, none ended because of me being a parent.

I am now happily married and have another dc with my now dh.

I just couldn't deal with all the hassle of trying to blend two lots of dc. But I know a lot of people do and it's fine.

Eliza22 Tue 09-Apr-13 17:13:16

I did feel that it was a positive if the potential partner had kids (and he was a good dad who was "there" for them) and saw them often. Firstly, because he might be good to my son and secondly, I could think of no reason his 3 would object to be and we'd all be happy/ok/it would work.

I was wrong.

Kaluki Wed 10-Apr-13 12:14:28

NO.
We are fine(ish) now but its been a long hard slog to get here and I still wonder if it was all worth it and if it will ever be 'easy'.
I've been a stepmum before to a lovely teenage girl who was a dream stepchild and it was a breeze so I thought I had it all sussed. I was so so wrong (another hollow laugh!)
In a way though the kids have kept us together, I have invested so much time and energy into this I can't walk away because I couldn't be responsible for putting them all through another breakup so in a way they have made us stronger!!

Morien Wed 10-Apr-13 14:25:16

It's a relief to me to read all these honest answers. The only other SM of young children I know in RL always maintains that life's just wonderful and she wouldn't have it any other way, which makes me feel crap...

DP is without a doubt the most wonderful man I've ever been involved with, and my DSCs are fantastic too - definitely no problem with any of them per se, but it's hard work and a lot of the time I feel quite isolated. I don't have DCs of my own so I feel there's a huge imbalance (although I'm not blind to the fact that my not having DCs has made it easier for us all in other ways), as well as the fact that my DP therefore isn't an SDad. I wish he were sometimes, because he might have a better understanding of my situation.

When it's good it's really good, but I can't help but be aware that our main problems are things which wouldn't exist if it weren't for the existence of my DSCs. Would it make a difference if the DSCs mum weren't around? Yes, I think it would, not because she causes problems particularly, but because then I think my role towards these 3 small children would be clearer, with less scope for feeling taken for granted, resentment, etc etc.

SweetSeraphim Wed 10-Apr-13 18:05:45

Absolutely not. But only because the exw is so involved in our lives... if it were just us, my dc and his dc, it would be almost peachy.

mummatotwo Fri 12-Apr-13 18:17:50

No, no and no!

Although we have our own gorgeous DS...before he was born it was like treading on eggshells not to upset the DSC, not to push them out, not to go on too much about pregnancy incase they felt shunned etc... Then when our DS arrived all the same again

Looking back we never really got around to having another DC and in hindsight I think it was due to all the above and it makes me sad.

DSC are now late teens, hardly see them as they prefer to spend time with their friends, go to parties etc. Which is understandable Have sleepovers most weekends and hardly spend time with us.
So no I wouldnt get involved again as I spent the first 10 years bending over backwards for them and my DH at my own expense

uniqueatlast Sun 14-Apr-13 11:02:05

Absolutely not. I wouldn't be without my children but I wouldn't get involved with someone with children if I knew then what I know now. If dh and I were ever to separate, I'd rather be single than try and blend another family. It's too hard.

ScumbagCollegeDropout Tue 16-Apr-13 10:35:29

I was/am of your thinking too, OP.

Separated last year with 2 DCs.

I don't want anymore children myself and was not really wanting to be a SM to someone else's.

I freely admit I am not the most maternal mother out there. 2 children is my limit.

Thankfully for me my boyfriend has no children and due to health issues is not wanting any of his own. I'm well aware that this may change in the future but at this point in time these are our stances on the subject.

Lostinsuffolk Tue 16-Apr-13 10:58:41

No way. i would avoid a bloke with kids like the plague.

I'm the same as many on here, I love my DP very dearly and his kids, I have none of my own and have days when I realise why!! that said, we've been through hell and back (mainly due to a nightmare ex) have split up once and got back together again with more focus on us and everything's better (apart from the ex!!). Maybe if she wasn't so mental things would be easier?? smile

YvyB Sun 09-Jun-13 21:27:23

Newbie here but what a relief to read this post! No way. Never again. Ever.

Petal02 Sun 09-Jun-13 21:29:53

One of my friends, with 2 children, is about to set up home with her new man, who also has 2 children. She can't foresee any problems ......

SussexBelle Mon 10-Jun-13 08:56:24

No.

Actually, let me think..... no.

Molson10 Mon 10-Jun-13 12:18:14

oh this is so comforting to read. sorry am crying again

I've just had a hell of a night with SC and MIL, I am absolutely at rock bottom and just don't know if I can do it any longer. I have aged 20 years in 6, the SD started on our wedding day. She is 20 now and it still continues, not helped by her brother.

In desperation last night I posted on the am I being unreasonable forum, so if anyone would like to give me any advice or tip, would be very much appreciated.

Stupidly I thought if I was nice to them and didn't try too hard, we'd get there eventually.

I have to add, the our problem is indirectly the ex, she doesn't get involved day to day, but stirs it from afar and will call to lecture me and DH on how we should do things, even though she throw out her daughter on chrismas Eve when she was 17 !! The ex show my husband no respect and so the kids don't either so I'm on a hiding to nowhere.

CoffeePleaseSir Mon 10-Jun-13 12:24:51

No, no way.
I have found it complicated, heart wrenching (at times) and bloody hard work, I couldn't go through it again.

Stepmooster Mon 10-Jun-13 13:05:14

I think it entirely depends on how the person you are getting involved with parents their children and how they perceive the roles of second wives/husbands.

I thank my lucky stars DH does not treat me like a skivvy nor expect me to parent DSS, he doesn't let DSS back chat me and he is getting much better at saying 'no' to his ex. I care about DSS but I am not put in ridiculous sitautions that a lot of poor folk are, of having the full responsibility of looking after DSC's on their own, with no respect, no opportunity to discipline, nor have any rights at all. I would never settle for that.

Fenton Mon 10-Jun-13 13:38:01

I am baffled by the purpose of this thread considering the OP's opinion of 'people who get together with people who already have children'

And she hasn't returned to the thread to comment on the answers - confused

Seems a bit goady to me, like a retrospective 'you've made your bed now lie in it'

hmm

StillSlightlyCrumpled Mon 10-Jun-13 15:34:34

I would do it all again & am one of those for whom it's mostly been plain sailing. BUT I absolutely wouldn't get involved if things were acrimonious between the potential partner & his ex. I wouldn't if a court had had to decide when access had to take place either. The more I have read on here over the years the more I strongly believe that the only reason it has been easy / natural for me is because all of the adults involved have behaved appropriately.

MoodyDidIt Mon 10-Jun-13 18:06:18

no i wouldn't TBH

i love dh, and wouldn't change what we have but my god have we both been through some heartache

but I had no idea; I was young. I was naive. i had visions of me, dh, my ds and his dd being one big happy family..... ha ha ha <hollow laugh>

allnewtaketwo Mon 10-Jun-13 18:12:59

Fenton I was thinking exactly the same thing. Sounds like the OP has a chip on her shoulder a bit of an unhealthy obsession

SussexBelle Mon 10-Jun-13 18:51:57

Joins in with MoodyDidIt and the hollow laugh...

Df has 4 kids with his 'childhood sweetheart' and one with his ex wife. Df doesn't see the 4 for the CS's sake - she has asked him to keep out, they are 'her' kids and he was a 'willing doner' (true) but he talks to the older 2 on facebook/by phone so in that respect i am very very lucky that whilst i have SC i am not a SP.

His dd to ex wife i dote on but she lives miles away so again only really facebook/phone/skype but she is just the cheekiest little madam and gorgeous too, the utter double of df with his attitude so it's no wonder i love her! Once she's older and visits more moves in please i hope we'll get on just as well as we do now. So long as ex wife minds her spiteful mouth i think we will grin

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