At my wits end with things like this!!

(134 Posts)
SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 16:36:22

I've just posted a Facebook status that reads:

"Daniel and my two beautiful boys mean the whole world to me."

That's my partner and our two sons. I love them to the end of the universe and back.

Then I get a comment off BIL saying, "And X as your step daughter."

I am furious with him. Sick and tired of him saying stuff like this. I swiftly corrected him and told him that I do not call her that and that I am not her stepmum. I am her dad's girlfriend. Am I so so wrong that I do not love her as much as my partner and my two children? I mean, I don't treat her any differently, but the feelings of love just aren't there. So if I don't want to include her in a bloody Facebook status I won't! So so so petty.

Tbh when there is a step family to consider you shouldn't really post things like that. It serves no purpose and will make the step child feel excluded should she ever see it. Your BIL is right imo.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 16:41:55

Ah well. Agree to disagree then.

Rainbowinthesky Fri 05-Apr-13 16:44:15

Oh dear. It seems a bit of a childish status tbh and pointless unless you wanted to pointedly exclude the girl. Shudder at Facebook.

flurp Fri 05-Apr-13 16:46:24

Is BiL your DHs brother? If so he's got a point.
You are not wrong to not love your DSD as much as your own but publicly declaring it like that is likely to piss his family off a bit.
But then I hate statuses like that on facebook - we all love our kids, it doesn't need to be validated by a bloody facebook status!!

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 16:48:16

Shame they don't treat our 2 year old the same then so if they have a go at me they can bloody go and sort their own double standards out.

flurp Fri 05-Apr-13 16:48:43

Then again if your status had read " Daniel and my two beautiful boys and X mean the whole world to me" his ex wife could have accused you of overstepping.
Can't win!!

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 16:49:48

Well there is that as well Flurp!

FannyFifer Fri 05-Apr-13 16:51:14

Grow the hell up.

GreatUncleEddie Fri 05-Apr-13 16:51:31

I don't understand why people post crap like that on Facebook anyway. Everyone lives their kids. Even Mairead Philpott loves her kids.

I'm afraid I'm on your BIL's side in this.

when there are children of your partner in the relationship, then you must be seen to view them as equals.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 16:52:27

It isn't just Facebook. It's a whole number of things. Like when she is at her mum's and we go out for the day and get accused of leaving her out. But then she is out with her mum doing stuff! Why should my children have to wait in all week until their sister comes?? I don't get it!

you could have just put "Daniel and the kids mean the whole world to me" then it looks like you're including everyone

sorry x-posts.

allnewtaketwo Fri 05-Apr-13 17:03:48

If your Facebook is just among friends and prophet close to you then of course you can write what the hell you want. Why the hell has your BIL got access to your Facebook if he pisses you off so much confused. I don't get it

allnewtaketwo Fri 05-Apr-13 17:06:39

People not prophet!

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 17:07:50

allnew, he's blocked now I've had enough of him.

flurp Fri 05-Apr-13 18:43:42

Why should my children have to wait in all week until their sister comes?? I don't get it!
Why can't you just wait and take them all out together? Especially if it is somewhere DSD will enjoy?

WakeyCakey Fri 05-Apr-13 18:46:35

I really don't mean offence by this but what a cruel status to put!
If you don't love her then fine but don't publicise it for the world to see. I hope she isn't on Facebook herself!
My DSD would be devastated if I put something like that up.

It seems so unfair for your DSD to have to visit every week to someone who clearly doesn't like her, poor girl!

AThingInYourLife Fri 05-Apr-13 18:49:17

grin

Wind up

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 18:50:50

Not very fair that my children have to wait whilst she's doin fun things with her mum though is it? She does plenty of things with us, but sometimes she just happens to be at her mum's when we do decide to go out to the zoo, the park, or the the play centre. Doesn't mean we're excluding her, it just means that we still do fun things whilst she isn't here.

Now my in laws exclude my 2 year old son on purpose. I've done a thread about this before. We don't exclude my DP's daughter on purpose, but they seem to enjoy watching her little brother miss out on everything. My DP has stopped his daughter from going to his parents without his son going as well.

NigellaTufnel Fri 05-Apr-13 18:53:44

YABU cruel and childish. Please take the status down.

What do Facebook statuses like that actually achieve?

Why do you need to tell the world how much you love your children and partner? Why don't you just tell them?

I don't get it, it's like you are trying to convince the world what an amazing relationship you have. Why? Just go and be happy.

I always think that there's something a bit odd about posting stuff like that.

That's a nasty thang to post.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 19:07:41

I was also called tight because I said point blank that I did not want a mothers day card off her. I didn't get one off her and DP knew I would not have been happy if I received one. If that is excluding his daughter then I absolutely despair.

You said in your OP that you don't treat her any differently.

You might want to read back your posts and revise your opinion.

Poor girl.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Apr-13 19:13:40

You have 3children in your family- end of.
You can't have one child who is a second class member of the family.
If you feel like that you should keep it secret and not post it on FB.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 19:16:20

*You said in your OP that you don't treat her any differently.

You might want to read back your posts and revise your opinion.

Poor girl.*

Please clarify how I treat her differently? Because I didn't want a bloody Mothers Day card off her, seeing as I am not her mother?? Or the fact that life still goes on when she is at her mum's and we still want to do fun things?

I don't get how she is treated unfavourably based on my examples.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 19:17:50

You can't have one child who is a second class member of the family.

You might want to give that advice to my in laws too.

lunar1 Fri 05-Apr-13 19:17:50

Grow up, if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. You sound like you did it to be deliberately nasty.

cleoowen Fri 05-Apr-13 19:18:51

You sound very mean OP. You should have considered your step daughters feelings if she saw it before posting it. I think it's also,mean to say to her not to give you a mothers day card,what harm would it do? I am sure she knows your not her mum but you sound like you make it pretty obvious you don't love her. Poor girl. Maybe you don't love her like your own,fair enough, but you don't need to throw it in her face.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 19:21:49

I didn't actually say it to her that I didn't want a card, I said it to my DP and his family. She had no idea.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Apr-13 19:22:22

If I was your partner I would leave you- there is no way I would have my children treated differently. When I met my DH it was 'love me- love my DS' . I wouldn't expect him to show favouritism on the Internet.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Apr-13 19:23:13

I bet she did have an idea!

NigellaTufnel Fri 05-Apr-13 19:23:17

I don't think I have come across a more unpleasant post in some time.

She is a child, you are an adult. You are treating her like a piece if dirt.

At the very least she is your sons' sister. Think on that.

So you don't want to be called her step mother, you don't see her as an equal member of your family, you don't want a card from her, you don't love, or even like her, you resent holding off days out for a few days so she can join you and write inane fb statuses backing up your view that she isn't part of your family and you get pissed off when you are called on the fact you think she is a second class citizen despite the fact that her dad was her family long before he met you.

How would you feel if it was your children being treated like that if you and your dp ever split up?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 19:25:40

No exotic, she didn't.

Is this a reverse?

allnewtaketwo Fri 05-Apr-13 19:33:19

Wow the claws are out in force tonight.

OP what age is your DSD?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 19:36:57

7

allnewtaketwo Fri 05-Apr-13 19:40:33

So everyone can stop worrying about her reading the OPs posts on Fb then hmm

MrsDoomsPatterson Fri 05-Apr-13 19:43:12

I just don't get statuses like this. Why even post in the first place, y'know every single one of your friends thinks the same of their families, right?

Bloody Facebook, it really does bring out the worst in people

Branleuse Fri 05-Apr-13 19:44:30

Yabac

It's not about her reading the posts.
It's about a person who clearly wants the world to know she thinks very little of her DHs child. That she isn't her stepmum, she doesn't love her.
And letting the rest of the family hear that loud and clear.

Your DH is an idiot to be with a woman who is so disdainful and disrespectful to his own child.
But he will come to realise this as his dd gets older and realises exactly what you think of her.
Once she gets old enough, and she is made aware of your feelings, do you think she will want to spend time at your house?

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 19:46:48

Hmmm....I don't think the fb status is particularly anything to get one's knickers in a knot over...but your posts here make your lack of compassion towards your husband's daughter (I won't say stepdaughter as clearly you don't think of her that way) perfectly clear.

allnewtaketwo Fri 05-Apr-13 19:47:16

What a lot of projection

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 19:47:42

Oh and OP...what your inlaws do has no bearing on how you regard your husband's daughter whatsoever. No excuse!

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 19:58:52

And far from being a fb nazi, as I don't get all the moaning about other people's statuses, I still have never quite understood the "I love my kids" ones becuse of course you do. We all do. It's not news.

allnewtaketwo Fri 05-Apr-13 20:03:24

Much (most) of what regular fb posters say on fb is not "news" though, but inane and or everyday thoughts written down for their (so called) friends to see. This doesn't strike me as much different really

MrsDoomsPatterson Fri 05-Apr-13 20:04:44

Yes. I love my family.

No shit, Sherlock.

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 20:08:31

True allnewtaketwo.

NippyDrips Fri 05-Apr-13 20:15:12

I was going to say you ,can't win either way, if you wrote how much you love her then you would be crossing the line and so on.

But your posts have made you come across really resentful of a 7 year old child. My onlaws treated dd better than ds but I held it against Mil, not dsd. She is a child and not responsible for the behavior of adults around her.

Well, she's allowed to put up a status about loving her family, whether people here deem it inane or not.

There's also very little risk of a 7 year old seeing it.

And I don't think it's U to not love your sc as you would your own dc.

However, you may want to have a look at your feelings OP. Quite frankly, your resentment is palpable.

This is an innocent child. And although she can't see it, the people who love her can. The status in and of itself is not a big deal but...it seems you did it on purpose, to make a point?

She is your dc's sister. It's not her fault if she is getting preferential treatment from ILs (been there).

Think how upset you are about your IL's treatment of your dc. Is that how you want to be with sc?

That makes you as bad as them!

exoticfruits Fri 05-Apr-13 20:19:50

I can't see what the ILs have to do with it- or why they come into it at all.

mynewpassion Fri 05-Apr-13 20:21:21

Vicious cycle. Ils overcompensate for the op's dislike of dsd. Op then dislikes dsd more.

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 20:23:51

Exotic - me either. It's just tit for tat bollocks from OP.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 20:23:56

mynewpassion

You have no idea. I think you'll find I am overcompensating for my DS being disliked by his own grandparents. Then they dislike DS even more.

NigellaTufnel Fri 05-Apr-13 20:25:46

I'm glad the ILs over compensate, the poor girl will need all the help and love she can get as she seems to have the archetypal wicked stepmother.

You do realise that your DP loves her, don't you?

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 20:26:04

This girl is your husband's daughter - she was there before you and your precious boys.
She is your sons sister.

But yet you are not her stepmother, you are just her dad's girlfriend?

Cold.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 20:27:39

I never used to be like this. I really didn't. I was never so resentful or bitter. The adults in my life have slowly dragged me down and I am not thinking rationally a lot of the time. They have said some very hurtful things and I think I am taking it out on the wrong person. I am in bits.

Sorry for the drip feeding.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 20:29:56

And I did post that status to get at my ILs. And I noticed that it worked so I took it down straight away.

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 20:31:17

Ok - now we are getting somewhere OP.

Tell us all about it if you like. You have my attention.

NigellaTufnel Fri 05-Apr-13 20:33:44

Why did you do it?

exoticfruits Fri 05-Apr-13 20:34:42

At least you know that you are taking it out in the wrong person- that is the start.
Imagine if the grandparents spoilt one of your DSs and ignored the other- would you really take against the one they spoiled? I think you would realise that it wasn't the DSs fault.
Can't you just have less to do with ILs?

TreeLuLa Fri 05-Apr-13 20:36:18

sOrry OP, your actions sound immature and horrid.
sad

Oh, sowhat, why don't your in laws treat your DSs well? That must be very hurtful.

flurp Fri 05-Apr-13 20:37:10

I remember your thread about your on laws and I felt sorry for you. Now I can see why they favour their granddaughter.
You are coming across as spiteful and mean.
Have a go at the ILs by all means (funny how you call them your in laws but you won't be called her step mum???) but don't take it out on an innocent child.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 20:39:02

Well a couple of months ago I posted a thread (it will be on my history I think) about how upset I am that my In laws treat my son very very differently and that it is upsetting me so much.

My ILs had room in car to take my son the Knowlsey Safari Park, but my BIL took his seat instead. He said to me very coldly that my son wouldn't be going anyway as he needs more looking after than the other kids, such as his nappy changing. It broke my heart when he said that. He's a little boy.

Then on another occasion my MIL said that she "doesn't know him" (DS) and that she isn't making all the effort. We live at the other side of town without a car and she can't even be bothered coming to se him to get to know him.

BIL (again) said that DS's sister is a nicer child than DS sad

I can't cope anymore.

Floggingmolly Fri 05-Apr-13 20:40:18

Why do people feel the need to post shite like this on Facebook, or anywhere else for that matter? Cringeworthy and pointless.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 20:41:11

Flirt, can't you see I am like this because of them?? They started all this hurtful behaviour.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 20:41:42

Flurp **

Sorry, not flirt.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Apr-13 20:42:11

So what happens with your other DS?

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 20:42:44

Were you the OW at all? It wouldn't excuse your inlaws, but might go some way to explaining it.

If not...well...what's it all about?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 20:43:28

He's a baby, 1 month old. Obviously I'm not too bothered about him not being included as he's blissfully unaware and I don't expect anyone to look after him.

Snazzynewyear Fri 05-Apr-13 20:44:52

Your BIL sounds like he interferes a lot in your relationship with your ILs. Why is that? Can you have a direct discussion with them about your DS without him being part of it?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 20:44:55

No I wasn't the OW.

I have absolutely no idea.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Apr-13 20:45:56

I get a bit lost- if your older one is in nappies is it just not a case that he would be difficult on that sort of trip?

He is 1 month old and you're bothered about him going to a safari park?

In the nicest possible way have you discussed your resentments and upset and feelings with your HV, you are really quite irrational and if you can't see that there may be an underlying issue there if its been a recent thing.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Apr-13 20:48:54

It was the older one- not the baby!

there are two little boys - one is 2 and one is tiny.

LillianGish Fri 05-Apr-13 20:50:49

Lots of Facebook threads today! I just don't see why you have to post something like this on Facebook - it's for whose benefit exactly? Everyone loves their kids - just tell them - you don't need to make a public announcement. And if you do feel the need to announce it to all and sundry on Facebook then don't be surprised if you get comments - that's the whole point isn't it? So people can interact with you.

The in laws sound horrible. Do not play into their hands. It sounds like you, DH and even his ex are in agreement about this. Why not keep all the kids with you at the weekend until they start changing their ways?

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 20:52:39

I'm feeling for you OP...you have allowed this to cloud your judgement haven't you? Amd stoop to their level?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 20:53:19

Exotic, he's made it clear many times that DS is too difficult to look after because he needs his nappy changing, not just that particular trip.

flurp Fri 05-Apr-13 20:53:34

I quite like Flirt actually wink
I didnt mean to be nasty - sorry if it came across that way blush
How old are your boys? Are they both your DPs sons too?
I see why you are retaliating but that isn't the way to do it. You and DP need to talk to his family about it and either resolve the issue or stop seeing them all.
You know its not right to take it out on DSD - and she IS your DSD it's just not fair on her and none of this is her fault.
Fwiw I don't love my DSC (at times I have struggled to even like them sad) but I would die rather than let them feel that from me.

exoticfruits Fri 05-Apr-13 20:54:53

I would have as little to do with them as possible - they sound a dead loss.

allnewtaketwo Fri 05-Apr-13 20:56:00

Pictish it's sadly very common for GPs to very obviously treat "first family children" favourably. I've seen loads of other posters wrote about it on here, and have seen my own MIL do the same

exoticfruits Fri 05-Apr-13 20:57:00

Smile, nod, ignore and don't let them get to you.

HauntedArmchairOfDoom Fri 05-Apr-13 20:57:52

What a crock of shite

It sounds like You have a lovely DH, two lovely little boys, a great relationship with Dhs daughter - so much good stuff going on -

I would stop any contact for a while with these toxic in laws, but also stop lookiing at/using Facebook - it only ramps up tensions.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 20:59:37

I really have allowed it to cloud my judgement. I have considered walking out in the past but I have to tell myself what good would that do? I think I am being so overprotective of my child and it is far easier for me to take it out on his sister than have it out with my ILs.

That sounds awful and I just want to feel normal again. My DP has spoken to his mum about it, she calls his stupid. My BIL told me to STFU about it and get own with it. These are really vile people and I do not want to carry on stooping to their level, trying to score points with innocent children in the middle of it all.

He'll, I resorted to bloody Facebook to get a few cheap points!!

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 21:04:35

Flurp, all thanks to the autocorrect!

My boys are 2 and 1 month old. Their sister absolutely adores them both, she's always eager to help out with the little one and is always playing with the 2 year old. They get on fabulously. They are both my DP's sons.

I know she's my DSD, I know she is. Again, I knew that would get at them if I said she wasn't. We are a brilliant, secure little family unit, and I want to keep it that way.

allnewtaketwo Fri 05-Apr-13 21:07:58

I think I said it when you posted that other thread - I really don't understand why the 2 of you (you and DP) allow this to continue. You both need to protect your sons from this toxic lot and stop having contact with them. They won't change, you need to remove your children from this toxic damaging situation

Snazzynewyear Fri 05-Apr-13 21:11:38

Agree - do they expect to have your DSD round, or take her out for trips, on weekend she is with your DP, but without your DS(es) coming too? Because if so, I think your DP should tell them that if they are not prepared to spend time with both their granddaughter and their grandson(s) they won't get any of them.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 21:14:18

Allnew, I do remember you saying that. My DP has definitely put a stop to this continuing. My dad is having them both tomorrow anyway, so if she rings up then its tough luck! She's missed out.

Maternitygold Fri 05-Apr-13 21:14:48

OP - now you come across as a nice loving mum to all your three kids smile pls don't let your in laws or anyone else spoil it. Stay happy in your family and enjoy! Kids have a tendency of give back love multiple times so love your step daughter and it will bring happiness and love into your and your sons' lives. Fuck to in laws if they interfere.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 21:17:16

Snazzy, that is exactly what has been happening. My mil will specifically ring up and ask for one child to spend time at hers, and deliberately leaves the other one out. She knows it upsets both me and my DP. She knows it upsets her grandson and she knows his little heart breaks when he sees his big sister go without him. And she thinks it is acceptable because she can't be arsed to "get to know him".

I was going to post that you can say what you like on fb, but then you said you did it for a reaction: you got a reaction and now your upset confused

As for the going out issue, some people on here are adamant that no fun must be had without the dsc however, it's not normal for families to only do activities on certain days and you have 2 very young children, so normal advice would be for you to get out as much as possible!

The Mother's Day card however, is slightly odd. You seem to have made a huge deal over it, when you'd have been better to just wait and see and if you got a card, accept it gracefully.

As for the pils, they do sound over the top. I do know how you feel. What you need to do though is 'kill them with kindness'. Force them to get to know your dc (both of them, not just the oldest) go round all the time, invite them on days out that they can't really say no to, send them pictures of your dcs. Keep pretending until it becomes a reality.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 21:24:39

Olibeansmummy- yeah it does sound odd the Facebook thing. I think it was one of those spur of the moment things that whatever the outcome I would have been upset. Whether they said something or not.

The Mother's Day card, DSD honestly had no idea what I said, this was again a dig at the in laws, trying to get at them and to somehow upset them. Obviously if I did receive one I would never ever rip it up in DsDs face or throw it in the bin.

But don't you see, this cycle of getting digs in is unhealthy for all of you!

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 21:34:39

But don't you see, this cycle of getting digs in is unhealthy for all of you!

I whole heartedly agree with you. It's draining and really really not normal at all.

allnewtaketwo Fri 05-Apr-13 21:38:19

Do it doesn't sound like you've got them out of your lives at all confused. Yet it all seems to be affecting your mental health ( I really don't mean to sound unkind, it's just that you sound at the end of your tether at quite an extreme level).

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 21:52:07

Allnew, no you don't sound unkind at all. This time it really has to stop and we all need to keep our distance. I just snapped this afternoon.

Snazzynewyear Fri 05-Apr-13 21:54:34

Right, well, I would say that taking DSD and never DS is not on. Both (at least 75% of the time; I can see there might occasionally) be things that are suitable for an older child only) should go, or neither. And your DP should spell that out to them.

allnewtaketwo Fri 05-Apr-13 21:58:14

I can identify with your position because MIL was doing this. At one pint we were at her house with the children and she actually gave DSSs drinks and chocolate, but DS nothing. I was furious, DH and I had huge rows but eventually he did say to her it wasn't acceptable. I had threatened (and meant it) to DH that if it didn't stop, she wasn't welcome in our house and I wouldn't be going anywhere near hers either

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 05-Apr-13 22:09:47

It's awful isn't it when it happens? I just don't get how some GPs can do that to their own grandchildren. Good on you standing up to them. You've done a better job than me because you haven't taken it out on your SCs.

allnewtaketwo Fri 05-Apr-13 22:13:28

I'm not saying I reacted well either, but as a mother the instinct to protect your own child is so very strong, I can't say I'd blame you in reacting negatively.

Tbh my MIL very much still has these "tendencies" but wouldn't dare be so obvious any more

pictish Fri 05-Apr-13 22:49:45

Op all power to you for owning up. Really and truly.You know it's not right. Don't bother trying to play them at their own game...you're not like that, and thank fuck you're not.

Don't let this go any further. Treat your stepdaughter with the kindness and regard you would see your sons treated with. Then you may hold your head up high and know that you behaved impeccably.

Start today.

flurp Fri 05-Apr-13 22:53:48

I think I said this on your other thread. Tell them it's all gc or none. Or at least the 2 year old and DSD until the baby is old enough to understand.
It sounds like your DP is 100% behind you so if they won't be fair then cut them off.
Your mental health and your family unit must come first.
Your BiL sounds like a shit stirring dickhead!

Booyhoo Fri 05-Apr-13 23:09:12

this is very sad for all involved, including OP. life is so much more enjoyable when you dont have to battle through negative feelings about people who are in it.

OP think ahead, your behaviour sets a standard. it tells your DSes how they should expect to be treated by a step father if you and dp were ever to separate. would you accept this treatment of them by the person you chose to share your life with? could you love someone who treated your dses like this?

OP i wonder what would happen if you just decided, regardless of what anyone else did or said to you or your dses or sdd, to love this little girl. draw a line under how you have felt about her in the past and start new. just tell yourself that you are going to love her and that you and she will have a special unique relationship, one that no-one else has with her. i think you're missing out on what could be a lovely relationship for both of you.

iluvsummer Sat 06-Apr-13 00:31:54

My pil were like this dss everything our son nothing! They even used to sit there and say to dss you're no. 1 grandson in front of me, ds and dh! I do not have ANY contact with them anymore neither does ds. Their loss not my ds, they will not be able to pour their toxic poison into him they way they have to dss, this does mean that ds and dss don't have much of a relationship either but unfortunately that's the way it's turned out and we just get on with it!

lunar1 Sat 06-Apr-13 09:33:55

Op, you sound like you are better than all this point scoring and just got caught up in it all.

Your dh really needs to lay down the law with your Inlaws over the favouritism. I guess all you can do is keep reminding yourself that you are a better person and that your dsd is innocent in all this mess.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sat 06-Apr-13 11:38:29

DSD just came up to me with a picture she has drawn and explained that it is her family. She said, "It's you, daddy, me, X and X (brothers). She wrote above the picture, "I love One Direction and my family lots and lots."

Then she asked me, "You're part of my family aren't you?"

I felt a huge lump in my throat when she said that, and replied, "Yes"

Really brought it home to me.

Booyhoo Sat 06-Apr-13 11:53:11

she wants you to want her as part of your family. she was asking your permission to consider you part of hers.

this girls wants you to love her.

break the habits of the past and start putting the foundations in place for a great step-parent/child relationship. she's clearly willing, it's only you that is holding back on this. you are getting to dictate how your relationship with her pans out. choose to make it good. only you can do it.

exoticfruits Sat 06-Apr-13 12:08:42

You can indeed make it a good relationship -your OP made you sound quite an unpleasant person, when quite plainly you are not! You are letting the ILs get to you-they are the problem not DSD. They want a reaction-don't give it to them-ignore, ignore, ignore (even if you have to grit your teeth to do it).

mumvswild Sun 07-Apr-13 03:55:30

Branleuse - Yabac- priceless!

TheFallenNinja Sun 07-Apr-13 04:11:45

Wow. That sounds pretty stone cold.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sun 07-Apr-13 12:26:28

Yeah well if you care to read the whole thread.

Hth.

nailak Sun 07-Apr-13 12:42:39

i think maybe there are some misunderstandings, my own mum will take my dds 6 and 4 out and have them at hers without me and stuff mut wouldn't take my 2 year old ds as he does require more looking after. I don't think this is wrong.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sun 07-Apr-13 13:24:11

Well if that works for you and your 2 year old then I'm happy for you.

mumvswild Sun 07-Apr-13 14:46:01

Well it was fitting at the start of the thread. It wasn't really directed at OP, it was appreciation of the term, acronym actually.
Glad to see OP coming around a bit.
My 2yo often stays when the older DCs visit with the GPs because he is a handful and they are getting on a bit, he is welcome of course but generally with me there to do the bulk of the child care. GPs just want to do fun things with the time they have available not nappies and tantrums as well as everything else visits with kids entails. I hope this is the case with your ILs.

mumvswild Sun 07-Apr-13 14:49:00

May have confused posts there, sorry. Good luck OP. A bit sad that she didn't include her own DM in her family picture.

Booyhoo Sun 07-Apr-13 17:14:57

Op why so snappy with everyone?

Snazzynewyear Sun 07-Apr-13 17:29:19

So are you going to say all or no GC to her, OP? A few of us have suggested it now.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sun 07-Apr-13 18:29:26

Yeah Snazzy she knows the drill. Tries to choose to ignore it of course but we're not having it. She thinks the whole, "they come as a packag" thing is ridiculous. Her loss.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sun 07-Apr-13 18:30:01

*package

Sunnywithshowers Sun 07-Apr-13 18:42:08

It's definitely her loss. It sounds like you have a great relationship with your DSD.

Ignore the bastards.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sun 07-Apr-13 18:56:12

Yeah we really do have a great relationship despite everything. We both went in to town today just me and her whilst we chose some new bedding for her and her brother. It was a nice afternoon smile

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sun 07-Apr-13 20:47:51

I've had to gracefully bite my lip tonight. These people are testing my fucking patience.

We've just took some nice pictures of all 3 of the children. DP very stupidly sent his mother one of the photos (obviously with the best intentions of giving her a lovely photo of 3 of her grandchildren.) He then gets a phone call off his dickhead brother and goes, "Is X not part of your little family too?" (DSD)

She is quite clearly in the god damn picture. She is THERE.

Apparently he was joking but I don't find it funny at all. There's obviously a dig in there somewhere behind his pathetic jokes. Maybe if I got rid of his nephews out of the picture he'd be happy. Twat.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sun 07-Apr-13 20:55:15

I'm sorry I'm posting all of this on here. It's somewhere for me to vent.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 07-Apr-13 21:05:37

Your BIL sounds like a shit stirring little bastard. sad

pictish Sun 07-Apr-13 21:36:14

Your bil does come over quite the wee snotter, doesn't he? What's his problem??

Stop being so snippy OP - Nailak is right. Some people aren't great with tinies. My mil (who is lovely) has only just started taking my two younger ones out for the day, and they are 4 and 5.
She's not comfortable being in sole charge of babies and tots. Not everyone is.

I'm sure your inlaws are as awful as you say...but don't be arsey with people for politely offering an alternative perspective. That's not cool.

mynewpassion Mon 08-Apr-13 01:16:55

Your bil is an arse but you should have expected that. Maybe he's also trying to tell your dp in a not so subtle way about your fb posting if he didn't see it the other day.

flurp Mon 08-Apr-13 08:20:13

Ignore the twat BIL.
He is trying to cause trouble - dont let him.
What is his problem anyway?
Glad you had a nice time with DSD. I made cakes with my DSD this weekend it was lovely - things like that make it all worthwhile!

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