Bedroom dilemma - WWYD?

(52 Posts)
tinybluemoon Mon 18-Mar-13 09:14:55

So I live in a 3 bedroom house with my DD1(6), DH and our children DTS(2) and DD2(6 weeks). DH has 3 children from a former relationship aged 6,4 and 2 who stay at our house 4 nights a fortnight. We are currently in the middle of building our dream house, with enough bedrooms for all the kids but are at least another 6 months away from moving in, and that's if there are no delays in the building process.

Up into DD2 was born everything was fine, enough room to go around - DTS co-slept with DH and I, DSD1 slept with DD1 in the bedroom downstairs and DSS and DSD 2 shared the double bed in the spare bedroom.

But when DD2 was born we discovered that co-sleeping with them was no longer viable, as she would wake them up numerous times throughout the night and that of course meant two very tired toddlers all day long. So we had no choose but to move them into the spare bedroom.

Now the dilemma has arisen that we no longer seem to have enough room in the house for the DSC. DSD1 can of course still sleep downstairs with DD1, but the younger two no longer have anywhere to sleep sad

I'm not sure what we can do, as we just can't seem to find any solution to the problem, so before we put a stop to overnight visitation into the new house is complete I thought I would ask on here to see if anybody has been in this situation before and if they can offer any advise.

Thanks in advance. smile

50BalesOfHay Mon 18-Mar-13 09:19:12

Could you fit airbeds into the bedrooms? Not ideal, but as it's temporary it might work, they might find it fun, and better than them not coming

flurp Mon 18-Mar-13 09:21:34

Camp beds, bunk beds sofa bed?
It will be a squeeze but if its just for 6 months its bearable.
Don't stop them staying over - that is like telling them they aren't as important as the other kids.

ThingummyBob Mon 18-Mar-13 09:26:58

Swap teh double bed for 2 Single beds with trundle pull-outs in the spare room and you have room for four!

<obviously these are expensive so may not be a solution, but a variation using blow up beds etc could work?>

Petal02 Mon 18-Mar-13 09:31:17

You would never want them to stop visiting, but does every visit have to involve an overnight stay? Am expecting to get flamed here, but too much emphasis seems to be put on 'overnighting' - it's not like a child is spending quality time with a parent while everyone's asleep, and also the cost element of the visit can be met by the NRP providing the child has their dinner before they go home.

quoteunquote Mon 18-Mar-13 09:31:43


These are great for temporary beds and very useful.

It would be totally horrid if you stopped them staying over, could cause lots of problems.

tinybluemoon Mon 18-Mar-13 09:37:29

The problem with a lot of these suggestions is that there is maybe enough room in the twins room for one, but not two. And the left over child can't sleep downstairs as there is only one toilet in the house - upstairs- and they can't open the baby gate, and I feel a 2-4 year old is to young to be sleeping downstairs by themselves. So short of taking off the baby gate (Not going to happen) downstairs is not an option.

Petal I agree, but what can you do about it?

50BalesOfHay Mon 18-Mar-13 09:40:09

Put them in your bed and you and DH sleep in the sitting room with the baby?

I think the 4 yo would be fine downstairs - can you leave the stairgate open at night and put a pressure fit one on the upstairs 2yo bedroom so they can't get out at night?

(to clarify - 4 yo fine downstairs as they aren't alone)

Follyfoot Mon 18-Mar-13 09:44:44

Could the 6 and 4 year old sleep in the living room on a pump up bed? Then the 2 year old could be upstairs with your twins. Sorry if I've missed something - logistics not my strong point smile

Petal02 Mon 18-Mar-13 09:45:41

Tiny, would it be the end of the world if overnighting was suspended til the new house is finished? It must be extremely difficult to accommodate all those children in your current home. And surely the children who live with you full time should have priority with bedrooms? I'm Assuming the visiting step children have permanent bedrooms at their mums house (ie their main residence) so surely the children who have your address as their main residence, should have permanent bedrooms too?

tinybluemoon Mon 18-Mar-13 09:56:28

Petal I don't think so and DH doesn't think so, but everybody else we have mentioned it too has, so thought I might investigate other available options before committing to it. I mean it would only be for 6 months, not forever confused.

50balesofhey Is that the done thing these days? Do adults really give up their marital beds? I've never given up my bed for anybody, ever, and I'm not about to start now.

Notadragonofsoup A good suggestion. I will run it past DH and see what he thinks. Thank you smile

50BalesOfHay Mon 18-Mar-13 10:00:28

Sorry to have offended you, tinybluemoon, it was just an idea

Petal02 Mon 18-Mar-13 10:02:44

Dragonofsoup makes a good suggestion.

But please don't give up your marital bed, that's just ridiculous. Is it the ex who is insisting on overnighting? My parents split when I was small; my brother and I continued to have a good relationship with our father, and I never spent a single night sleeping at his house. I don't know why we get so obsessed with overnight stays.

tinybluemoon Mon 18-Mar-13 10:29:41

Thanks petal, I will show DH your post. It's great to hear from someone who hasn't slept at their fathers house and survived.

Petal02 Mon 18-Mar-13 10:41:54

DSS18 can't seem to set foot in our house without needing to stay the night. And for years this caused DH all sorts of problems. Not bedroom space issues, but logistical challenges. If DSS could have gone back to his Mum's rather than staying the night, then he would have been in the right location for catching the school bus in the mornings. But if he stayed over with us on school nights, he and DH had to be up at the crack of dawn to drive him 20 miles to bus stop, which wasn't brilliant for either of them, especially in winter. But everyone insisted on overnighting, it overrode common sense.

WakeyCakey Mon 18-Mar-13 11:58:49

I for one (as a stepmum) think its really important to have overnights. However I only have one DSD and no DCs of my own. Could you not have a bunkbed in with your DD and DSD so one could go in there and then another bed in with the twins?
Or if its an upstairs/downstairs problem move your bedroom downstairs and have the girls and one other in you room upstairs?

I just know I would be doing what I could to keep them all staying! Although I know there is disagreement over this

Booyhoo Mon 18-Mar-13 12:36:24

three 2 year olds and a 4 year old can fit in a double bed for 4 nights a fortnight for the next 6 months.

What does the dsc mother think of you not having the children overnight for at least the next six months?

titchy Mon 18-Mar-13 13:01:24

Not sure what the issue is. Surely

Bed 1 - you, dh, dd2
Bed 2 - dts, the other 2 year old (if they're too little for the double, give your dd the double and get the 2 year olds on cost beds or mattresses)
Bed 3 - your dd, the 6 yo and 4 yo.

Or as someone else has suggested squeeze the 4 yo in with the 2 year olds. (cabin bed, 4 yo on top, one 2 yo on the bottom and top n tail the twins on a mattress).

It's only for 6 months!

ThingummyBob Mon 18-Mar-13 14:04:14

Do you really want advice about how you can all fit in OP?

Or would you just like us all to tell you that its OK to not have your husbands children to sleep in your house?

And I'm sorry, but wtf with regard to 'the marital bed' confused

Your husband has three two year old children, he already had two children, and has since had another. You already had one child.

Surely when making these children decisions you and he were aware that space may be of a premium at some point down the line?

In an ideal world you'd have a bigger house/more space. Until then you'll have to make do or risk alienating your husbands children.

flurp Mon 18-Mar-13 14:21:12

What thingummybob said.
Your ha kids have as much right as yours to stay in the house.
If you stop them staying over it is pushing them out and telling them they aren't part of the family.

flurp Mon 18-Mar-13 14:22:02

Sorry - your DHs kids have as much right!!!

Petal02 Mon 18-Mar-13 14:33:50

Thingummybob – but the OP was fully aware that space may become an issue, which is why they’re having a new house built …… but it won’t be ready for six months, and she’s wondering what to do in the meantime. The OP is having a bigger house built TO ACCOMMODATE HER STEP CHILDREN (just wanted to check everyone read this) so I don’t know why she’s being slated.

And as for the comment about what the ex may think about no more overnight stays for the next six months – I wouldn’t care a jot about the ex’s opinion, she’s not the one having to deal with the overcrowding.

Dadthelion Mon 18-Mar-13 14:39:57

I'd sleep in a tent in the back garden if it meant my children had a bed.

I can't imagine saying to my ex I'm not having our children overnight for the next six months.

Petal02 Mon 18-Mar-13 14:51:38

I’d sleep in a tent in the back garden if it meant my children have a bed

There’s the answer then. Everyone one with step children should sleep outside, under canvas. I just wish we’d realised this earlier in the thread. Would have saved us all hours.

Of course her opinion matters, she has every right for the father of her children to take them as usual, why should it be her problem?

ruthie2468 Mon 18-Mar-13 15:34:16

OP - I might have read this wrongly, but does your DH have children of the same age by you and his ex? Is there tension here - from an affair or something which produced kids when he was in a relationship with you or the ex - which may be influencing your feelings on having the SC in your house?

Petal02 Mon 18-Mar-13 15:36:18

I honestly think the OP's problem is a practical one, not a case of not liking the step children. People keep overlooking the fact that they're having a larger house built, to accommodate everyone. Would they be doing this is the OP was trying to get rid of the step children?

Maryz Mon 18-Mar-13 15:42:36

If you don't have them overnight, what message are you sending?

My new baby is more important than you?

His children are 6, 4 and 2 (the same age as your twins?). so he has six children under 6 and you have a 7th, this was never going to be easy.

But stopping them from staying overnight until you have your "dream house" isn't the answer.

I agree with Bob.

Maryz Mon 18-Mar-13 15:43:29

And from a practical point of view, get rid of the double bed in the spare (twins') bedroom and get four narrow mattresses for the next six months.

When your so young 6 months is a very long time.

IneedAgoldenNickname Mon 18-Mar-13 15:55:42

My DC are not allowed to stay at their dads ATM. Firstly because his new gf is pg and had morning sickness, and now because her dd won't tidy her bedroom, so there's not room for the spare beds.

My DC are convinced Daddy loves her DC more than he loves them, and it's horrible. I don't have any suggestions other than those that have been made, but surely one of them will work?

Ineed sad for your dd.

flurp Mon 18-Mar-13 16:09:25

I wondered why they both have 2 yet olds too!?
I would be furious if my ex wouldn't let my dc stay over any more because there wasn't room because of his new wife's kids and a new baby even if it was just for 6 months. That's a long time when you are only little.

IneedAgoldenNickname Mon 18-Mar-13 16:11:38

Thanks dreams
I've got 2 ds' bit didn't make that clear.

QuickLookBusy Mon 18-Mar-13 16:19:56

Agree with Maryz, if you stop overnight visits or even hint at them, you're DSC and their mum, will quite rightly feel very put out.

You've had lots of suggestions , I would take the double bed out of the spare room and make it a "camping room". But a job lot of those sleeping bags which also have a mattress on them or some small camp beds. The kids will love it.

RubyrooUK Mon 18-Mar-13 16:53:46

My advice would be not to stop overnights. Of course it is a real pain and it's great you'll have a new house soon.

But although I am sure it is true that your step children have their rooms at their mum's house, it's really important (in my view obviously, people can disagree) for children with separated parents to feel like they have space at both parents'.

The benefit your children have is that they have their dad living with them full time; your step-kids having two houses to sleep at rather than one does not even begin to compete with that advantage.

That's apparent to everyone in the family - especially a 6 year old. It's not treating your kids badly to squash them in for a few months, it's an investment in good sibling relationships.

I was the child of someone who didn't have a bedroom for me at his house as I had one at my mum's - so what was the need - and I have never forgotten. I hated being in my dad's "spare room" so simply stopped staying as it hurt me too much.

Six months is a long time when you are small too; convincing my two year old to stay away from his mum after six months of no overnights would be hard. Especially if it meant staying at a new house too.

So all in all, I think that although the logistics are hard, I'd sort out smaller mattresses or try to see if you could get small-size bunk beds in or anything to make it work.

You won't give up the "marital bed" <boak> to fit the children of the man you presumably had an affair with, resulting in their dad leaving and not being around all the time?

Aren't you lovely?

Oh, and your other thread asking if overnights are necessary is just like this one. Looking for people to tell you that it's ok to dump his inconvenient children.

Why not ship your children off somewhere when his are there? Then there's plenty of room. But then, you'd be left with no excuses as to why you don't want them.

purpleroses Mon 18-Mar-13 23:16:10

It is possibly to keep up a good relationship between a parent and DCs even when space is very tight. My ex lives in a 1 bed flat with his DW, 1 year old and 2 nights a week our two DCs (9 and 13) live there too. He's hoping for a bigger place from the council but has been waiting over a year now and it may be a while yet. It's not ideal. My DD complains that the baby wakes her at night sometimes, but it is manageable. My DCs both have sleeping platforms built in, with ladders going up to them (the flat has quite high ceilings).

If I was in your position I'd have one room for me, DH and the new baby, put DTs in one room (to be joined by DSC3 when visiting) and your DD in the third room (to be joined by DSC1 and 2 when visiting). That means that there's no wasted space not in use when DSC aren't visiting, but they still have somewhere to sleep.

And if you do have parents, or your DD's dad able to have some of them overnight sometimes, you could try and make use of that to give everyone a bit more space when possible.

expatinscotland Mon 18-Mar-13 23:24:09

So your husband has 2-year-old twins and a 2-year-old with you? This guy's got six kids age 6 and under, and your main focus seems on how you can jetison 3 of them the lousy 4 nights/fortnight they see their dad?

How would you feel if your elder daughter's dad spun the same line to you?

You know he had all these kids when you got involved with him and then chose to pop out a few more in record time with him and then moan about lack of space.

expatinscotland Mon 18-Mar-13 23:26:00

I mean, 2-year-old twins with you and a 2-year-old with his former wife. Someone got around.


expatinscotland Mon 18-Mar-13 23:37:27

And you started two threads?

SoupDreggon Tue 19-Mar-13 07:27:30

Having looked at the other thread, it seems you don't like your DPs children very much and see them as an imposition. Having the house built is irrelevant if you don't think overnight stays are important.

FiveGoMadInDorset Tue 19-Mar-13 07:32:04

It won't kill you to give up your bed, stop being so selfish.

FiveGoMadInDorset Tue 19-Mar-13 07:32:50

And I am also intrigued how your DH has got 3 two year olds by two different women.

brokenbiscuits1 Tue 19-Mar-13 10:23:37

I want to know too! I can't imagine having SIX kids under 6 ...

OP you simply cannot stop the overnight contact! It's 4 nights a fortnight for 6 months, hardly the end of the world is it! They are all so small and lets face it little children don't take up much space, even in a single bed, you can easily get 3 kids in a double bed, or get blow up beds as a temporary measure.

I also found the "marital bed" comment unbelievable - you'd not give up your marital bed for anyone.. really? Not even our own children if the didn't have a bed?

ThingummyBob Tue 19-Mar-13 11:34:15

Seems like OP has disappeared hmm

pooka Tue 19-Mar-13 11:48:12

I also find the "martial bed" thing bizarre.

It's not like they'll be using your bedroom permanently. 6 months of once a fortnight disruption is nothing, and it's not as if it has come as a surprise to you. Your step children were overnighting, I assume, before you decided to have another dc.

So - 12 stays until you have more space.

Suck it up.

elliebellys Tue 19-Mar-13 14:23:46

unbelievable.poor kids.

AmberLeaf Tue 19-Mar-13 17:06:01

Arf at the sanctity of the 'marital bed' line!

This has to be a wind up.

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