My Jealousy & Paranoia

(107 Posts)
EvilEdna2909 Sat 09-Mar-13 14:26:00

I have been with my DP for 11 months now. He has DD who is 2 and a DS who is 9 months. We and my boyfriend were going out for nearly 3 months when his DS was born. Everything is amicable with his ex and have ni rela problems. The problem lies with me. I have never wanted children and was okay that my DP had a girl and a boy on the way cos i thought he wouldnt need any more children if hes got one of each.
And now its the opposite. For the past couple of month ive realised i want children and the fact that he has a boy ang a girl spoilts it for me. In the future Im going to have his third kid, his 2nd boy or girl. its not going to be special at all. His going to do everything with his two before mine. When mine come along it wont be nothing new and exciting to him. Its driving us apart.Please help

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Sat 09-Mar-13 15:46:08

Hi, I just want to say that you're feelings are completely understandable, and that in a way I felt the same as I thought that because my partner already had his first child that any subsequent ones wouldn't be as exciting for him.

But in all honesty, any children you have together are a special connection you have together. You are the woman he loves and to have a child with you would I am assuming be something very special to him. I had the same feelings as you, even getting to the point where I felt so low I said to my DP whilst pregnant with DS1, "If we lose this baby, you won't be as upset as me will you as you already have a child?" He was horrified and told me that he is so excited about having a child together.

Have you told your DP how you're feeling? Any child is special and exciting, whether they are 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th to come along and so on.

EvilEdna2909 Sat 09-Mar-13 16:23:30

Ive told him a million times. In fact ita getting to a point im flinging it in hia face in a daily basis. Ive told him i worry incase I don't have both boys and girls so one of his other kids would be his favourite. Ive told him I worry that our child might be disabled but it wont botherhhim cos 'u already have a girl and a boy'. I know he wants boys and to watch to him with his ds makes me jealous cos he's gonna do father son stuff with his boy first. I just get so angry and wound up its on my mind constantly

FrauMoose Sat 09-Mar-13 16:33:39

My husband had a boy (7) and a girl (5) when we first met. I found it very reassuring to see him with his children and to realise that he was a good, patient involved father. I had imagined that he might not want any more children, and was delighted to find that he did. Each child is different. They're not just 'a boy' or 'a girl' My stepchildren were delighted to have a baby sibling. Perhaps the fact that there was an age gap helped. I knew that my partner was really, really delighted to have another child. I think I was also a better mother because I'd learned a lot about children via looking after my stepkids. So, for some people, there can be positives in this sort of situation. But for other people the issues around jealousy which you describe might be hard to handle.

EvilEdna2909 Sat 09-Mar-13 16:43:31

I know FrauMoose your completely right and I know it. I know that my partner will love it if we had another kid. Its just jard knowing hes gonna be going through all the new stuff taking them out buying toys everything and then when it comes to mine we'll have both done everything. Having a baby is supposed to be a new exciting time for both and I feel it won't be.

flurp Sat 09-Mar-13 21:43:28

At least you can have dc with him.
My DP had a vasectomy and I would have loved another one or two kids.
I feel sad that he has done all the baby stuff with his ex wife and that is something we will never share together.
But in response to your OP - do you think you would want your second child any less than your first or feel less excitement because you have done it all before? I can assure you that every child is equally as special whether its the first or the fifth!!

EvilEdna2909 Sat 09-Mar-13 21:54:15

I know ur right flurp im trying to get it through to my head. I don't have kids so I guess I dont understand. We have his kids one night a week and my dp always says to me how he wants a full time family with me cos im the only one who hes ever loved. I guess I worry mmyself stupid incase its not as special and its same ol same ol for my dp when we have kids and that wud break my heart so im just preparing myself for the worst.

flurp Sat 09-Mar-13 21:59:23

Try not to let the paranoia take over. It can be quite destructive!!

EvilEdna2909 Sat 09-Mar-13 22:18:37

It has been taking over I think the most stupid things and thats whats destroying my relationship. I just want everything how it should be n special when I have kids

flurp Sat 09-Mar-13 22:47:50

And it will be special - trust me, there's nothing better!!
Just don't ruin your relationship before you get there!!

EvilEdna2909 Sat 09-Mar-13 23:11:40

Thank you. I really appreciate it. I went online today looking for counselling and it was extortionate and everyone has been more helpful than any counsellor would be. I seem to need constant reassurance and I think my stressed boyfriend is sick of giving me it! Its everyday he's giving me and last night he said I have to rap it in or he's leaving me

FrauMoose Sun 10-Mar-13 08:07:19

I think whether or not your partner has had children before, having children is never like you thought it would be. There's some sort of idealised picture in your head - cute smiling babies in a pram etc. The reality can be worse in some ways (lack of sleep, being unsure what to do, a vulnerable creature dependent on you.) But it's also better.

Some GPs offer counselling. And I think while you can get good advice and support and reassurance from messageboards - if there is deep down stuff making you unhappy and sabotaging your life, then it can be useful to see somebody face to face.

EvilEdna2909 Sun 10-Mar-13 09:42:27

Do you have to pregnant though to get offered counselling? I would love to get counselling but I can't afford it. Im a pessimist anyway and I always think negative rather than positive and thats my problem. Cos he said before he wants boys I think if he bonds with his son it will take a lot away. It should be our son who he bonds with him n has father son relationship with but its not and that what angers me n makes me resentful.

riverboat Sun 10-Mar-13 09:50:08

I get where you're coming from, I sometimes have similar thoughts. But it is worrying that this seems to be taking you over completely - agree you need to see someone if possible.

Also in my case, while sometimes I feel sad that if/when DP and I have a baby we won't be both coming at it from the same position in terms of excitement and 'new'ness, there is a bigger, more practicalthing that balances it out. Because DP is an experienced dad, used to having sole custody of a baby for certain periods of time, he's not going to be like one of those useless dads you hear about who leave everything to the mother because they don't understand what has to be done and what the baby's needs are. A massive bonus in my book - hurrah!

flurp Sun 10-Mar-13 10:11:45

Parents can have that bond with more than one child - whatever sex!
I think you can have different relationships with your dc but love them all equally!
For example my DD has a different dad from my sons. For a long time it was just me and her so we are very close. The boys have a good dad who spends lots of time with them which DD has never had so I am mum and dad to her and have had to do more for her.
Ds1 is sensitive and needs a lot of handholding and reassurance and DS2 is like DD - very independent and self contained and needs less attention but he is my baby and still likes lots of cuddles which the older two dint so much.
I honestly love all of them exactly the same but have to give them different things at different times.
I think you are underestimating your DP.

EvilEdna2909 Sun 10-Mar-13 10:14:17

I know there is positives I know my dp is a good dad and if me and him did break up I know he wud always want to be a part of the kids lives. And I suppose he only has his kids once a week and when we have kids it will be totally different. I just need to keep talking myself around.

EvilEdna2909 Mon 11-Mar-13 00:17:58

Again ur right flurp and I know it but no matter how much I get into my head loads of stuff keeps coming back in. I justthink of my dp and his son olaying footballl and my dp being proud of hin etcand it will be speci for my dp and he shud have that with my future son first. It spoils it

colditz Mon 11-Mar-13 00:20:50

Don't have a child yet. Wait ten years or so.

flurp Mon 11-Mar-13 12:04:55

You mustn't be jealous of his relationship with his existing kids or it will eat you up and hurt them and him. The fact is that your child with him won't be his first but you can't blame him or his existing dc for that - they will always have a place in his life but that's not to say there won't be room for your dc together.
Is it because you were with him when his baby was born and you feel a bit left out? I can understand that but maybe you should wait a while until you have been together longer before you have a child or look for someone who has no existing dc yet if you feel that strongly about this.

Strongertogether Mon 11-Mar-13 12:24:48

Oh gosh, to be honest I do find your feelings toward his two kids a little bit worrying. Are you sure you're really ready to commit to this situation? Don't get me wrong, you're feelings and worries are natural but please be honest with yourself. Do you think you're really cut out to deal with this mans baggage? If you have doubts, I advise you to cut your losses now and save yourself alot of future hassles and heart ache. Sorry, I know that's probably not what you want to hear but the previous poster is right. Jealousy of his kids will eat you up and poison your relationship. Bringing another child into the mix will not help the situation.

EvilEdna2909 Mon 11-Mar-13 13:19:54

I would love to walk away and leave all the worries behind but I love my boyfriend too much. He's too good to let go and it would be a big mistake to let him go. I know im being stupid when we have kids it will be a lot different but I just don't want his kids to take any excitement or anything away when me and him have kids..p.s. I'm not in any rush to have children anyway.

FrauMoose Mon 11-Mar-13 15:29:17

It really is a package deal if you get involved with someone who has children. You do need to accept that part of their love belongs to children who he had with somebody else. And if those children get sick or are in any kind of difficulty then - quite rightly - that is where a significant part of his attention will go.

mumandboys123 Mon 11-Mar-13 17:52:55

Urgh! horrible man. left a pregnant woman for someone else and you want children with him?

Hope it works out for you.

colditz Mon 11-Mar-13 17:56:01

Your partner loves his children more than he will ever love you, as is right and proper. If you cannot accept this, you are going to be unhappy for the rest of your relationship.

Do not have children with this man. I can imagine you becoming outright awful if you had a child of your own and his existing children took up any of his time, money or attention, you are bad enough now.

Don't have children yet, anyway. Honestly, you have some maturing to do.

allnewtaketwo Mon 11-Mar-13 17:57:58

Where does it say he left his ex for the OP? Clearly that is one possibility, but it doesn't actually say that?

OP sorry but you sound too immature to have a child in the near future. It's all very honest of you, but if you want a child with someone who doesn't have any then I'd advise you to to run a mile while you still can

fedupofnamechanging Mon 11-Mar-13 18:08:35

I clicked on this thread by accident and really wish I hadn't started reading. You are making me angry. Why should the children he has with you take priority over the ones he has already? That seems to be what you want. You chose to get involved with a man who had children. They deserve the very best from him - your dc will be no less special, but they certainly shouldn't be more special. You either need to get a grip or get a new relationship, because you are going to be an awful stepmother if you don't. His kids deserve better.

RubyrooUK Mon 11-Mar-13 18:13:15

EvilEdna, I don't think you should consider having kids with this man until you can come to terms with the fact that he already has children. And it is normal and right that they are his priority in life. That is a good thing that means he is a decent father, which should appeal to you.

This in NO WAY means your future children would be any less precious to him or less exciting.

My children are all as important as each other to me. I am just about to have a second son. He will not be less precious to me because I have a son already. They will be different people and I will adore them both. Love for your children is not finite; it is infinite.

You need to deal with these feelings about your step children or they will ruin a good relationship. If I met a boyfriend who felt like you about my existing children, it would be the relationship with the boyfriend that would go. I don't think I could be with an adult long term who was jealous of my children.

In your shoes, I would choose to try and love my partner's children because if you stay together, they will be your children's siblings. That can be a really special relationship for your own children. See them as part of your family and think about how nice it will be to add to that in future.

I am not trying to make you feel bad at all because I think human beings are complex and we sometimes feel paranoid/jealous and that's life. But it is a good thing to try and move past it because otherwise it is a terribly destructive way to live your life.

Good luck!

mumandboys123 Mon 11-Mar-13 18:38:55

My apologies, I made an assumption. Let's call it experience! Regardless, if he's been with the OP for 11 months and there is a 9 month old baby with his ex, there is overlap. I don't think it's unreasonable to make an assumption that the OP's partner was in two relationships at once...of course, his ex may well have got rid of him rather than him having left her!

colditz Mon 11-Mar-13 19:29:27

Mumandboys, not if you allow for the fact that gestation takes nine months....

colditz Mon 11-Mar-13 19:29:49

And therefore, the baby was CONCEIVED eighteen months ago.

flurp Mon 11-Mar-13 19:41:44

When and why his precious relationship ended is irrelevant.
Maybe his ex ended it or maybe it was a mutual break up.

EvilEdna2909 Mon 11-Mar-13 23:31:25

Firstly I have no immediate plans to have children with anyone for at least 5 years as im only 24
and mumsandboys your right there is an over lap but it had absolutely nothing to do me with me. After his ex 'missed the pill' with their first child she knew it wasnt going to make him love her so she stopped taking her pill behind his back (which she admitted to him) hoping it would make everything better. Hee left her when she was 4 month pregnant and met me when she was 6 month. So saying hes a horrible person is pretty low. I have no sympathy for women who use their children has traps! She deserved everything she got and she knows it which is why she was okay when he started seeing me. And I love my step children loads I just dont want them to take the shine off when I have kids, os tjat so horrible?

colditz Tue 12-Mar-13 00:44:42

Um yes. It is horrible. And you have been fed the biggest pile of bullshit by a man who left a toddler and a pregnant woman, who apparently he didn't love but was happily fucking her anyway.

What a catch.

Ugh.

colditz Tue 12-Mar-13 00:48:39

See, I really don't think she DID deserve to be abandoned by the father of her children at four months pregnant, and I don't think the children deserve to be thought of a cute little things who will stop your boyfriend loving you, and I really don't think you should have children for quite a long time. I must admit, I am surprised to learn that you are twenty four, you sound a LOT younger than that. About ten years younger.

EvilEdna2909 Tue 12-Mar-13 01:22:02

Thats your opinion colditz but in actual fact hes ex did have enough of the relationship herself and when it came to it she was the one that wanted to move out and SHE told me that herself .
A considerable amount of men - and women are in relationships just for the sake of their kids but they obviously still have to share a bed and try and get on with it for the sake of their dc. My boyfriend was unhappy with her for a long time she knew he did not love her she knew that he was only with her for the sake of dd and he was going to end it so she took it upon herself to stop taking thepill behind his back and get pregnant again. Her trap worked the first time - not the second time. My dp couldn't be in a unhappy relationship anymore and all they did was argue infront of their dd and barely spoke and if u think that is an environment for a child to be in and another to be brought into then I think you need to mature a bit.

EvilEdna2909 Tue 12-Mar-13 02:22:18

And p.s. ive never once implied that him loving his kids stops him from loving me so I don't know where you have came to that idea.
P.s.2 me and his ex are on speaking terms and shes told me herself how bad there relationship was and she realised she'd made a mistake (getting pregnant again) and she wanted to leave. So my boyfriend hasnt told me any 'bullshit' as u put it.

Maternitygold Tue 12-Mar-13 03:35:13

Agree 100% with colditz. Don't know what you see in the man who left his 4 months pregnant partner! And if she chucked him out maybe he deserved it. On the other end all your own 'bullshit' about his kids taking 'shine out' of your 'future' children is a big brain numbing idiotic philosophy ever. Absolutely irritating and irrational. Grow up fast.

SucksToBeMe Tue 12-Mar-13 03:47:06

Have to agree with Colditz on this one.

Beamur Tue 12-Mar-13 04:52:40

My DP had 2 kids when we met, a boy and a girl - he was keen to have another child and after we'd been together a few years and I thought the relationship was a 'keeper' we had DD. I was worried, like you, that this child would be less 'special' to him and the experience for us would be different. You don't want to hear this - but I was mostly right, it was different than had it been our first and only child together. I don't love my DD any less, but it wasn't perhaps the experience I would have dreamed of - and, unlike you, I wasn't that bothered - I was mildly concerned, but it wasn't a deal breaker. If anything, having DD brought back a lot of negative stuff for him about his previous relationship breaking down and he frankly was a pretty rubbish Dad to DD for the first couple of years, he was lazy and didn't pull his weight.
Your feelings may change over time, like you say, you're not planning on having a baby any time soon, but how you feel and the stress and anxiety it's causing are not positive signs.

You've not even been with him a year. Slow down.
And see if he's willing to get married before you start making children. The answer might be telling.

FrauMoose Tue 12-Mar-13 08:07:50

I think your original posting implied that you see your partner's children as a potential problem. You are worried that if you and he decide to have a baby together that - because of the existing children - he won't regard this baby as unique and special. Any step-parent and mother knows that there will be times when one of the children from the earlier relationships will become a particular focus of concern (problems at school, minor behavioural difficulties etc.) I think posters are worried that when this happens you might become upset that the new child has been in some ways sidelined. It's something to think about.

colditz Tue 12-Mar-13 08:27:10

Nobody has to impregnate a woman that they will later claim to not have loved at the time.

If you are hell bent on staying with this man, I suggest you are very very nice to his children, and don't get pregnant in case he decides that the relationship "isn't working" and is so vile to you that by the time you are four months gone, you agree and throw him out.

Ask his ex what went wrong. Ask his ex how he behaved.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Tue 12-Mar-13 11:49:46

OP I honestly think that once you let these feelings pass, you will see that your DP will be just as enthusiastic about the children you have together in the future as the ones he has already. If he thinks less highly about your children together in the future then he is an arse hole, but it most likely won't come to that.

As I said in my original post to you at the beginning, I felt the same, had the same worries and concerns and it was all in my head. Although, DP did say to me after DS1 was born that he was worried about not loving our child as much as he loves his daughter. Not a good thing to say to me at the time as I had only given birth a few days before, was quite emotional and became very very protective of my DS and resentful towards DP and his daughter for a while.

But my god does he absolutely love our two sons to pieces now and they haven't been "out-shined" by their sister no way smile

flurp Tue 12-Mar-13 12:22:05

Only the OP and her DP and his ex know the full story of the breakup. I have a friend who got pg by accident by a man she didn't love. She wanted dc so much she kept the baby and thought she could force herself to love him.. She split with him when she was 7 months pg because she knew she wouldn't be able to commit. A year or so later he pushed her into trying again and she got pg again but the feelings just weren't there, no matter how much she wanted them to be. Now she has two beautiful dc and he is a great dad to them. Looking at it from the outside you could assume that he got her pg and left her twice, which is awful but the truth is very very different.
OP - you said yourself that until recently you didn't want dc at all so these feelings may just be a knee jerk reaction to him having a baby.
Don't have a baby until you are 100% sure in your mind that you can handle the step children and all the crap that comes with them.
It might be all sweetness at the moment while they are small but believe me being a step parent isn't always easy, its a thankless job at the best of times.

EvilEdna2909 Tue 12-Mar-13 12:39:06

My original posting was in fact about me having future children and my step kids -not about my partners moral conduct but ill address it anyway. I have spoken to his ex a number of times and there relationship sounded like they both treat eachother badly as they both were young when they met. It seemed like one of them awful relationships were people are together for convenience. It seemed my dp (who was only 18 when first got with his ex) was using her for washing n ironing n sex and She was using him for his money as she had stolen money from him a number of times n was very money orientated. There was no love, both as bad as eachother but it was his ex that decided that she never wanted to put her hand in her pocket again, stopped taking her pill and bring children into the horrendous relationship. My dp was fuming at what she done but refused to leave her for the sake of the baby. He tried to make relationship work after she had their dd for a year but it wasnt working. His ex knew this n was scared his wallet would go so she stopped her pill again(on purpose she admitted to him)and tried to use another innocent child to trap him. 4 months wentb by n My dp just could not do it anymore and neither could his ex by this point. They were both unhappy decided to call it a day and he left. Now his ex who is happy in a new relationship has told me and my dp that there was no love in their relationship how n how seperating is the best thing they ever did.
So I know he wouldn't do this to me cos the difference is he never loved her as she never loved him where as i know my dp worships the ground I work on. And also I am nothing but nice to his children. I love them as I love my own my concerns were only that cos he had a boy n girl that it would be not as exciting n special when I eventually had a child. I know its irrational and very stupid but I don't have any existing children so I don't understand on what having a child is like or what comes with it.

allnewtaketwo Tue 12-Mar-13 12:54:43

Why do you keep saying "my concerns were only that cos he had a boy n girl that it would be not as exciting n special when I eventually had a child"

What difference does it make that he has a boy and a girl. It's not like if he only had boys you could then decide to have a girl to make it special. You have no say over what you'll have anyway confused

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Tue 12-Mar-13 12:58:25

OP, don't feel the need to explain your ex's past.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Tue 12-Mar-13 13:01:55

Your partner's past with his ex.

That was meant to say. I'm tired.

EvilEdna2909 Tue 12-Mar-13 13:04:11

Allnewraketwo I know but as I have said I dont have existing children so I dont understand and worry over stupid stuff. All any woman wants is when she had kids is too be special and I know im ober thinking things and being stupid.

Sowhatifimworkingclass. Ive felt as if ive had to. People are jumping to conclusions saying my ex has told me bull shit that he has left a pregnant woman for that he may leave me when im pregnant and all that baloney when they have not got a clue on the facts of the situation at all

ilovepicnmix Tue 12-Mar-13 13:14:07

I don't think the op should be shot down just because she is being honest about her feelings, irrational or not. I have a son with my dp and this is his fourth son. While I was pregnant I had hoped for a girl thinking it would be different for dp and that she wouldnt have to compete with 3 big brothers. As it turned out our son is much loved by his big brothers but it easily could have been quite different. Our son is loved by his dad but there's no doubt that the experience has been different for me as he's my first. Fact. Maybe not fact for other couples though.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Tue 12-Mar-13 13:22:49

Nobody knows the facts apart from you, your partner and his ex. How their relationship went and how it ended is completely irrelevant to your OP, which was about your worries about when you have your own children. Some people go in to being a step parent with hardly any worries at all, where as others need time to step back and think about the long term job this entails and everything that comes with it. Nothing wrong with that.

EvilEdna2909 Tue 12-Mar-13 14:12:10

Thank you. I went into it with no worries at all my paranoia only started when I realised I do actually want children one day and was worried it was not the way I imagined it be or it wont be special for my dp.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Tue 12-Mar-13 14:39:12

Honestly I can completely see where you are coming from. Doesn't make you a bad person at all and it's better to be honest rather than bottle it up. Just think of it this way, a lot of couples still together go on to have subsequent children after having their first, but they still love their children all the same and find them just as exciting. The only difference in your case is that his children he has now aren't with you. Don't worry, if he's a good parent he will love them all the same!

mumandboys123 Tue 12-Mar-13 22:07:06

EvilEdna - my ex left me pregnant so I am somewhat sensitive, as I am sure you can understand. His girlfriend was fed so much..crap about me it's unbelievable. No sane person would believe it. He's had a few girlfriends since and presumably they all believe his crap or they wouldn't be with him. The story you tell is not dissimilar to the story my ex tells people. I'll tell you something different.

You need a lot of luck. Hope it works out.

Mendi Tue 12-Mar-13 22:15:40

How old are you?

flurp Wed 13-Mar-13 08:24:25

She said earlier.
She's 24.

Mendi Wed 13-Mar-13 08:42:05

Sorry, didn't see that. OP, 24 is quite young and you sound very immature. Why not give your relationship chance to develop before stamping your foot about something your DP cannot do anything about (and, I assume, would not want to).

You should not be jealous of small children, particularly the children of the man you say you love. The emotions you're expressing are not borne of love; they are borne of a massive degree of insecurity.

EvilEdna2909 Wed 13-Mar-13 14:34:58

Mumsandboys I can understand but there decision was a mutual decision to separate they had both enough and this is not just came from my dp but also from his ex. I had spoken to his ex before me and my dp got serious to get the truth first. And mendi I am insecure and I think its cos also I don't have children myself so I don't understand. I have tunnel vision I see it hes got a boy and a girl and if he plays with and loves them he'll be content and wont be as eager to have anymore amd if he did he would think same ol same ol and that would be devastating for me. So what im doing is putting my defence up before the attack comes. Its like Im preparing myself to be disappointed

ilovepicnmix Wed 13-Mar-13 15:10:58

I completely understand how you feel but do think you're worrying unnecessarily. Plenty of people have children with people who have children from previous relationships. As previously mentioned I am one and it adds difficulties no doubt but my son has big brothers who love him and think he's great. My dp wasn't as excited as he was at prospect of having his first child but them im sure he wasn't with the second or third. Doesn't mean he isn't delighted with him.

Beamur Wed 13-Mar-13 15:17:06

Whilst there are lots of reasons to think it will all be fine - yes he has kids, but if he and you decide to have kids, then whilst not the same experience as the 'first' it will still be special and unique to you as a couple.
What concerns me from your posts (I'm also a step mum myself) is that if you don't get a handle on these feelings AND if your DP does have some favouritism issues (which is possible) that you're going to find yourself in a very unhappy situation.
For everyone on this post who has said it will be fine, my own experience was that actually, it wasn't fine and DP's own issues around the birth our of only child could easily have soured our relationship - I was concerned he wouldn't be on the same page as me - and he wasn't. It was only seeing the long view and still caring for him and wanting to keep our family together that kept me there. If I could rewrite history and have my first child with someone else where it was their first child too - would I do it? (Provided I could have the same child grin) then I think I might.

Mendi Wed 13-Mar-13 15:30:58

OP, if you had a DD, and then you had another DD, do you think you'd be a bit 'Meh - same old same old' about your DD2? Or would you be delighted to have your much-wanted second child?

Seriously, if you think that any person would have the former reaction, you are a child yourself and should not be considering having a baby with this man or any other until you've matured considerably. You really do sound like a frightened child. Not a good mental state to be in when having a baby.

EvilEdna2909 Wed 13-Mar-13 15:37:05

I genuinely don't feel as if my dp would have any favouritism issues he would teat all the kids the same. Beamur like u had previously saod it semmed like ur dp had a lot of negative feelings because his relationship breakdown and it showed in his feelings towards ur dd. However in my dp he was happy to get out of their relationship and do genuinely believe he would be a brilliant dad cos he is now.

EvilEdna2909 Wed 13-Mar-13 15:38:37

Mendi I have no immediate plans to have children. I don't want children until at least another 5 or more years

Beamur Wed 13-Mar-13 16:20:22

Five years would be a good period of time to really get to know your DP, your SC's and to mature a bit yourself (I don't mean that critically) - but I do think it's a good thing to examine your feelings, but keep some perspective.
Good luck grin

Mendi Wed 13-Mar-13 16:44:27

Then why on earth are you getting your knickers in a twist about this now??

Enjoy your relationship. Find out if your feelings of insecurity mellow as you get to know his DCs. Most of all, RELAX.

ruthie2468 Wed 13-Mar-13 17:34:21

If he was unhappy in his relationship and his ex had deliberately missed the pill before to get pregnant, why was he having unprotected sex with her? Why not use condoms if it was such a bad relationship and his ex couldn't be trusted?

EvilEdna2909 Wed 13-Mar-13 17:41:46

Because he went ballistic the first time and she assured him she was stupud it wouldn't happen again but then when she realised that things weren't improving she stopped the pill again without him knowing

Mendi Wed 13-Mar-13 18:01:02

Sorry OP but that reasoning is very off. If he didn't want a child he should have taken responsibility for not having one himself. Only one way to be sure.

Blaming the woman for 'trapping' him when it had already happened before is frankly pathetic and does not bode well for you either.

KittenCamile Wed 13-Mar-13 18:33:58

I can understand what your feeling, I don't have any dc's and DP has a DD. I worried a little about the same things, would it be special, would I spend my pregnacy hearing about what happened before and would our baby be the 'stressful' one because it would live with us 24/7. None of this was helped by my Aspie DP joking that our DC would be hard work because he got it so easy before!

But we are ttc (my new problem is I'm terrified I'm infertile and not the woman she was if I can't have kids!) And with some counseling I have realised that this is the first time DP wanted a DC, the first time he had tried for one and that if I'm lucky enough to get pregnant (please god!) That he won't be scared like last time.

He is with you because he loves you and if you have DC they will be because you both want them, I can't think of anything more special

EvilEdna2909 Wed 13-Mar-13 21:45:31

Mendi im not making excuses for him he should have left the relationship after they had his dd but its easier said than done when its also leaving your child and not being able to see them everyday. And its also a lot easier said than done to wear a condom every time u have sex with someone lol. He made mistakes so did she but theres no point in me dwelling on what happened with them in past.

apachepony Wed 13-Mar-13 22:06:20

I think your feelings are quite normal for a stepmother, I also felt that having a child with my dh would not be special as he had done it already, had a child with another woman. There is no doubt about it, it's not the ideal. Having a child together would not mean we shared a unique bond like other couples.
Then we had a miscarriage and all that seemed a bit irrelevant.
Now we have a baby together and my dh is mad about him, and I don't worry about that any more.

Mendi Wed 13-Mar-13 22:09:30

It really is not difficult AT ALL to use a condom every time you have sex. Unless you're not that bothered about pregnancy and/or STDs.

colditz Wed 13-Mar-13 23:28:56

It really isn't a lot easier said than done to wear a condom, it is pretty much just as easy to wear them as it is to say it. For goodness sake, they come free from the doctor.

Jeez.

EvilEdna2909 Wed 13-Mar-13 23:42:58

I think some people have went off topic going on about my boyfriends and moral conduct when they dont know the facts and havent got a clue. And my boyfriend was in a monogamous relationship so why would he need to use condoms incase of STD..and he also shouldn't have had to wear a condom with his owm girlfriend just incase she would trick him again and get pregnant! She reassured him she wouldn't do it again he gave her the benefit of the doubt but she ended up doing it again. I think people need to stick to the original Issue rather than make comments and judgements on situations they know absolutely nothing about

colditz Thu 14-Mar-13 07:28:18

The issue is that you are jealous of two small children, one of whom wasn't even wanted byits father but was created because it was apparently easier than wearing a condom. The issue is that even though this knob has stepped up to the plate and is being a father, it's not good enough for you because you wanted YOUR children to be the most special children he's ever had, and they won't be. This whole situationis just sordid.

MandMand Thu 14-Mar-13 07:42:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allnewtaketwo Thu 14-Mar-13 09:36:08

MandMand that really is off topic FGS. Do you go onto ttc threads and say similar? hmm

EvilEdna2909 Thu 14-Mar-13 12:43:41

I dont want my children to be more special at all I just thought with him having a boy and girl ours wont be special. He loves his children looks after them takes them everywhere and pays for both we could say more for some men these days. And the kids were a shock to him but that doesn't mean to say he didn't want either of them. So yet again your making nasty commenta and judgements on a situation and someone u know absolutely nothing about. I dear hope that your not like this in real life cos I cant imagine that u would keep friends for very long. Calling my boyfriend a nob when he has looked after his two children is out of order. He trusted his ex to not do it again as she reassured him she wouldn't but then she did. How the hell is that hes fault?? Should everyone who is a relationship not believe their girlfriends not trust them not give them second chances and put a condom everytime they have sex incase they stop taking the pill? Ur not being realistic. My boyfriend made mistakes as everyone has but he is far from a nob. He takes responsibility for both of his kids! You obviously don't see theres anything wronfg with someone atoo takjng the pill and using innocent children to trap someone so maybe its something u tried to do yourself who knows. I don't care. Dont bother posting afain coldirz cos I won't be reading any comment u say. Get a grip. Ur obviously bored or things in your life arent going so well so u feel the need to try and bring other people down. Get a life

EvilEdna2909 Thu 14-Mar-13 12:45:58

And mandmand he has a fairly good job which is why as ive said his ex done the whole stop taking the pill thing cos he has decent money

flurp Thu 14-Mar-13 12:54:01

So nobody here has ever had unprotected sex with a long term partner then and all your pregnancies were planned were they??
How is it up there on your moral highground?
FFS what does it matter how his dc were conceived? They were and they are here and he is supporting them.
The OP is being honest about her feelings and instead of getting support and advice, her DP is being slated for something that is nobody elses business!!
Unbelievable.

allnewtaketwo Thu 14-Mar-13 13:10:00

Clearly some of the bitter posters on here have had unprotected sex with nobs themselves, so not sure why they're attacking the OP

Mandmand you're implicitly assuming that a woman is financially reliant on a man to fund her maternity leave? How enlightened of you. And assuming she will have to work full time after a child as her partner won't be able to afford otherwise. Again, how enlightened. I hope you bring up any daughters with broader horizons than you have.

EvilEdna2909 Thu 14-Mar-13 13:16:03

Thank u flurp. I personally havent heard anybody constantly use condoms every time they have sex when in a long term relationship. Colditz has implied that he abandoned a pregnant woman and a toddler, that he has fed me a load of bull shit, that he was horrible to her that at 4 months so she couldnt take no more when in actual fact it was a mutual decision between them and ive heard that from his ex's mouth! Like I said maybe entrapment is something colditz has tried to and was unsuccessful or maybe just bored and bitter. Who knows and who cares

Stepmooster Thu 14-Mar-13 13:18:38

There are a lot of bitter people on MN Edna, who can only assume that because they have come across scumbags that other men who are not with their children's mothers are also scumbags. I would just ignore them. I think I am some what like you and prone to overthinking. This is how I am interpreting your posts, I may be well off the mark. You are 24 and you have fallen in love with a man with 2 very young children, and that is not what you expected in life. No one has daydreams about falling in love with a man with children already. Now you are 11 months in, and you can see how much he adores his children and you are unsure if he will a) really want anymore children with you in 5+ years time b) that he will find it all old hat. And perhaps you want to know now in order to save yourself heartache. I am afraid no one is going to be able to tell you the answer, and all I can say is go with your instincts, you know your DP best not us.

A lot of people are advising you to just relax and not worry about it an wait and see, but in 5 years time you could've wholly commited yourself to this man and his children at the expense of having children of your own, or you do have children with him but their daddy may not really love or want them, and is just doing it to please you? So how can you jsut relax 5 years is a long time to wait. Yes this is the sort of weird overthinking I can relate to, and I have to say sometimes not without merit, but more often than not apt to ruin your life.

Your DP has tried to reassure you deep down maybe you don't believe him? Or you are feeling insecure about something in your relationship? I don't know, you are still young and I would think that if this is bothering you so much now maybe your DP is not the man for you? Or perhaps to put it another way you are not the lady for your DP. Perhaps if it is bothering you so much walking away now may save your sanity. Being a mother is not easy bieng a mother and a stepmother is even harder, add in a whole host of worries justified or not, then that is not a pleasant life to make for you, your DP his kids and any possible kids you may have.

When my DH and started on our relationship I told him straight away, I want children, I want a family and I don't want fall in love with someone who might not want to go through it all again. My DH really wanted to have more children, he missed his son and his stepchildren and longed to have a house full of kids again. His face just beamed tbh when I brought it up, he didn't have to say yes I want to have more children it was written over his face.

I had a slight worries and fears when I was pregnant, hormones go everywhere. However I was so relieved in the early days of DD life that DH knew what he was doing.

EvilEdna2909 Thu 14-Mar-13 13:27:28

Stepmooster thanks for ur input I know what your saying. I know I am only 24 and being with my dp for just 11 month but u know deep down he is the only one for me. He really loves me and will do anything for me. My dp has tried n tried to reassure me saying it will be different when we have a family cos he'll be a full time dad rather than just one night a week. But I just worry myself stupid and my mind goes into over drive. My dp is a really good dad and I know he would be to our children. I want my dp to be happy and excited when we have kids and im scared he won't be though he assures me that when we have a baby it will be the happiest day of his life.

Mendi Thu 14-Mar-13 14:17:28

You still haven't explained whether, if you already had a child and then had another, you'd consider the second 'not special' just because you already had one.

If your answer is 'of course I would think my second child was just as special as the first' then your whole paranoid scenario re your DP's kids is baseless.

You don't seem to have much clarity of thought on this, hence why a lot of the posters on this thread are saying you sound so immature.

EvilEdna2909 Thu 14-Mar-13 14:33:29

Sorry mendi I hadn't answered ive had so much to answer! And I know ur completely right if I had 3 boys and 2 girls and had a boy on the way the child woukd not be any less special. I know I have been irrational and stupid but I think a big part is that I don't have existing children so I didn't quite understand but hearing from mothers on here I know how stupid ive been. Ive just been over thinking and scared incase my dp is disappointed when we have a child. I know now it was all a load of bull shit on my part.

ilovepicnmix Thu 14-Mar-13 15:59:59

I am shocked at how horrible some people are being! That's all.

colditz Thu 14-Mar-13 16:17:37

Being rude to and about me won't make you feel better. Sorry about that.

I am not being spiteful when I suggest you don't have children yet. I am absolutely serious. I think, with the level of jealousy and paranoia you have going on with the two children your partner already has, that you will be constantly going on at him (which you must already be doing or why would such an allegedly wonderful man be threatening to leave you, which you told us on Saturday) and you will be deeply unhappy.

allnewtaketwo Thu 14-Mar-13 18:00:00

The bit in your latest post is hardly the nastiest element if your posts in this thread colditz. Calling her partner a knob for example, calling her situation sordid. She only came on here asking for advice and her responses show she is taking heed of the sensible advice shes been given. Resorting to name calling is unnecessary and nasty

allnewtaketwo Thu 14-Mar-13 18:00:32

The bit in your latest post is hardly the nastiest element if your posts in this thread colditz. Calling her partner a knob for example, calling her situation sordid. She only came on here asking for advice and her responses show she is taking heed of the sensible advice shes been given. Resorting to name calling is unnecessary and nasty

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Thu 14-Mar-13 18:26:37

I forgot to mention in my previous posts that calling the OP immature is, quite frankly, very patronising.

Just because she has these feelings/worries doesn't make her sound immature at all. In fact, I think it's very mature of her addressing these feelings NOW rather than ignoring it. Like I said before, sometimes people need to take a step back and think about their future when there is the prospect of potentially being a step parent. Just because she hasn't been in this situation before doesn't make her immature at all. It's a lot to take in and she was asking for advice.

She's 24 years old for Christ's sake.

colditz Thu 14-Mar-13 18:29:24

The situation is sordid, and a man who fucks someone he later claims to have never loved, without using a condom, and gets her pregnant AGAIN, is a knob. He is. It's not the behavior of a nice person who respects women.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Thu 14-Mar-13 18:32:27

MandMand

I think the OP is probably well aware that a man's financial obligation to his first family doesn't end Just because he decides to start a second family with someone else. She hasn't even raised concerns about the financial side of things but yet someone just has to mention it.

What makes you think he can't afford to have any more?

Chip on your shoulder much?

EvilEdna2909 Thu 14-Mar-13 18:33:47

I agree I should not have children yet and I have never said that I plan to. Everyone has suggested I should not have kids yet which I totally agree but colditz u have called my dp a nob, horrible so have you have audacity to complain about me being rude to you god only knows! 'abandoned a pregnant woman with a toddler' 'dont have children yet cos when ur 4 month pregnant he may realise the situations not working he'll be that horrible you'll have enough too'. All absolutely false and assumptions and judgements on a situation and people who u know absolutely nothing about

colditz Thu 14-Mar-13 18:53:33

I did not complain abut you being rude to me, I merely pointed out that doing so won't make you happy, but do carry on if you believe it will cheer you up, because I genuinely don't mind.

Secondly.

Your boyfriend claims he did not love his ex when he got her pregnant either time. She clearly loved him, but instead of doing the decent thing and moving out, he carried on shagging her without using a condom.

Nice men do not behave like that. Nice men behave nicely. Knobs behave like that. Therefore ...... ?

allnewtaketwo Thu 14-Mar-13 19:43:58

Why "she clearly loved him" hmm

EvilEdna2909 Thu 14-Mar-13 20:43:53

Yet again colditz ur making assumptions about people u dont know about. His ex did not love him it was his money and security which she liked so thats why she was scared incase he was going to leave and stopped taking her pill. Again this has came from her mouth not my dp. And yes he should have left he knows that but leaving your child and not seeing them everyday is easier said than done. .And that was the first time I stuck up for myself to you..being rude to people and calling them names obviously makes u happy cos u seem very miserable

ThingummyBob Thu 14-Mar-13 23:22:06

Maybe she didn't love him either hmm

Doesn't change the point Colditz is making though does it?

allnewtaketwo Fri 15-Mar-13 06:51:44

The point she is making is unrelated to the OP's question, and notwithstanding this, colditz has repeated and repeated her point over and over and over. Swearing and raging at the OP pretty viciously in a way that shows very clearly she's treating the OP like the husband stealer who her own partner left her for

colditz Fri 15-Mar-13 07:54:09

That's so off base, it's hilarious. Have fun guys.

Ps PLEASE don't have a baby yet.

colditz Fri 15-Mar-13 08:02:50

Oh, also I have not been dumped since I was seventeen, but I have seen a lot of my friends tolerate "nice guys"who really are not at all nice, as their behavior demonstrates. Nice guys do nice things. Nice guys treat people nicely. Nice guys do not impregnate someone they don't love and intend to leave.

Isn't it a little worrying how many girls don't realise this? That, to them, "nice" means "loves me"? That it doesn't matter how he has treated everyone else who has ever crossed his path, they are "different" and what they have is "special" and he will definitely "change"?

It is something that repeats constantly on mumsnet, it's worth researching.

flurp Fri 15-Mar-13 08:54:58

I think the fact that he stuck around after getting his ex pg and tried to make it work even though he didnt really love her says that he is a decent guy. Lets not forget that his ex manipulated him too.
The relationship with his ex isn't the issue though. He is a good dad. He will be a good dad to the OPs children too. The issue is how she is feeling now.
Colditz you are being judgemental and harsh - all she wanted was advice on how she's feeling not a character assassination of her DP.

ladyjadie Fri 15-Mar-13 10:12:46

I know old thread is old now, but I just wanted to say to Edna, I know how you feel and it is a horrible feel. With my ex I felt the same but not just about kids, it got so bad I refused to even go places he'd been with an ex because he'd already 'been there, done that' (in my mind). He just didn't get it because (like your DP) he never loved this other girl (and was honest to her about that). So then I felt horrible for feeling so 'stupid' and irrational, which made me worry more, which made me feel even worse, etc etc until I ended up really seriously ill mentally. I also ended up driving us apart, something which part of me will always regret.

I was 23 when I got with him, 25 when we broke up, so around your age. If you want, try to go to your GP and get them to refer you to a therapist for some CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) maybe. It might help put things in perspective, then you can enjoy your time with your DP as you should be.

And feel free to PM me if you like, no judgement here smile

EvilEdna2909 Fri 15-Mar-13 12:06:13

Colditz did I say I was going to have a baby yet??!! I don't want kids for a long time and have never stated I do. U obviously live a sheltered life. The amount of men these days which are only with their wives/girlfriend's because of their children is unreal as is the amount of women that are with men for security money and family life. The both of them were as bad as eachother both were young ans using eachother but it was his ex that decided she wanted to bring another innocent child into the horrendous relationship by lying to him saying she was on the pill! !

allnewtaketwo Fri 15-Mar-13 13:16:07

OP - some posters on here will always be 100% determined that everything is the man's fault, even where the woman has lied and connived to get what she wants - still the man's fault.

EvilEdna2909 Fri 15-Mar-13 15:36:05

I know alltakes two. Women can be manipulating and try to use their children to get one they want. My dp wanted to leave the relationship for a while but he couldn't bribg hinself to leave his daughter so he tried to make it work but then she stopped taking the pill again and got pregnant. She lied and manipulated but I guess colditz just doesn't realise it and thinks everything is the mans fault. I know my dp is a decent man and I know that he loves me as he did not love her. He did not treat his ex badly it was mutual decision she had said herself that she had 'went about things the wrong way'. if he did have treated her badly then things would definitely not be amicable between them two let alone myself and his ex and I think people need to realise that fact.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass Fri 15-Mar-13 18:03:23

Oh no it couldn't possibly be the woman's fault ever. Because all women are poor innocent little souls that are completely hard done by.

And all men are knobs and arseholes who treat women and their children like a piece of crap.

Two very inaccurate judgements there.

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