Holiday problems

(44 Posts)
Nurse1980 Sat 02-Mar-13 22:19:44

Hi,

I'm looking for a bit of advice please.

I have a 17 year old stepson. Me and his dad have a daughter who is 4 month old.

My parents have invited me, OH and our daughter on holiday in June abroad. They have offered to pay.

My parents have never met my stepson and my OH isn't close to my parents and doesn't really make an effort with them.

Anyway my OH is expecting his son to come along, without asking my parents first. I have suggested to my OH that it would be best if the 4 of us do something together in august or if he wants to just OH and his son go away if they would rather do man stuff with stepson being 17.

Anyway this has gone down like a lead balloon and it isn't good enough, he wants his son to come away with my parents. This is a villa in the middle of nowhere, he won't have a TV, Internet etc. He is moody at the best of times (like your average teenager really) and I don't see why my parents should have to holiday with a sulky, bored and moody teenager they have never met.

Am I in the wrong here?

Thanks

RandomMess Sat 02-Mar-13 22:21:06

Why don't you and the baby go away with them and leave your dp at home grin???

Nurse1980 Sat 02-Mar-13 23:22:25

Hi,

I did think of that but OH doesn't want to miss his daughters first holiday.

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 08:10:10

I think your DH is being unreasonable.

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 08:21:56

Why do you think he is being unreasonable if you don't mind me asking?

Just wanting to know any other views so I can hopefully make my DH see sense. He still won't back down on this one.

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 09:08:23

Couple of reasons. He himself doesn't make an effort with your patents, yet expects them to pay for a holiday for his child.

I am assuming that a key reason they haven't met DSS is because they don't actually see your DH much either?

Do you think though that the holiday might be a bit awkward if DH and your parents don't really get on?

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 09:14:00

DH has said that he will pay for his sons flight, but there will be other costs too. Such as my parents will have to hire a bigger car, buy his food.

No he hardly ever sees my parents. When I go to visit them he stays at home. So why should he expect them to h

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 09:17:50

DH has said that he will pay for his sons flight, but there will be other costs too. Such as my parents will have to hire a bigger car, buy his food.

No he hardly ever sees my parents. When I go to visit them he stays at home. So why should he expect them to holiday with his son that they have never met.

My DH and parents do get on when they see each other, but my DH makes no effort to see them, communicate with them etc.

I just dont see why my parents should have to holiday with a moody teenager who will be moaning he is bored. I would understand if he was younger but at 17 surely he is old enough to understand that we can't include him in everything.

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 09:26:51

I agree with you for the reasons you've stated.

Numberlock Sun 03-Mar-13 09:32:34

Where would your stepson go if the three of you went on this holiday and how would he feel at being left behind? How has he coped with the arrival of the new baby?

I feel sorry for him, you don't say one positive thing about him in any of your posts.

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 09:53:37

My stepson would stay at his mums house where he lives, he has been fine with the arrival of the baby.

I've not slated the stepson in any of this, it's the way DH is handling the situation. Apart from say he is your typical teenager. There is nothing wrong in my opinion with us going away with him in August on a separate holiday.

This holiday is not appropriate for him for a variety of reasons.

LIZS Sun 03-Mar-13 09:55:47

Does SS live with you , is he still in education ?

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 09:57:52

No he doesn't live with us. We have a rota in place.

He is at college

LIZS Sun 03-Mar-13 10:57:41

So should he be at college when you are away ? Can't really imagine he'd think it fun to come along anyway tbh.

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 11:08:53

Yeah he would be, he does want to come.

My DH asked him before he had even asked my parents!! Presuming it would be ok, like what other people may want doesn't matter.

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 11:40:27

Well if he'd at college surely he shouldn't be taking time out anyway. Presumably in sixth form

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 13:47:40

He wouldn't need to take much time out as he isn't there full time and it's only for a long weekend.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 03-Mar-13 14:26:47

I'm not sure anyone is 'right or wrong' here; there's just a difference if opinion regarding your DSS role/place in your family.

I've read both threads, OP, and it seems that you don't really feel that your DP has an independent relationship with your own parents; you say that he doesn't make the effort to keep in touch or maintain a relationship with them, is that right?

I get the feeling that you don't currently see your DP and your DSS as part of the relationship you and your DD have with your family, and its up to him to develop his own relationship with them independently from you - but your DP obviously feels differently and expects his DSS to be included in family plans you make.

As this is a milestone for your DD that is important to your DP, then it's understandable that he's put out because he has no influence over it - both his DCs are equally important in his life.

exoticfruits Sun 03-Mar-13 15:40:12

I don't know why there are two threads-maybe you didn't like the reaction to the other one.
I agree with NotaDisneyMum-the whole problem comes from you and OH having 2 children but not integrating the older one with your family.
It would appear that your parents want you and the baby to go on holiday and therefore have to ask DP , but I can't think they why they want to spend all that time together when they are not close and he doesn't bother with them. It seems odd that he wasn't considered in the initial discussion- to explain from the start that they are leaving a member of the family out.
It seems stalemate at the moment -maybe OH just doesn't want to go and this is his way of getting out of it.
I would think that it was time to have a proper discussion with OH as to whether he really wants to go, and the desirability of getting the grandparents to meet their step grandson and have a relationship with him.

exoticfruits Sun 03-Mar-13 15:47:02

Looking back I see it is only for a long weekend which makes it very different from being stuck together in a villa for a week or more. It makes more sense that a short break appeals to the 17yr old.

My DH asked him before he had even asked my parents!! Presuming it would be ok,

I have to say that if it was me I would presume that it was OK-it wouldn't have crossed my mind that anyone would plan to leave a member of the family out, without discussing before booking it.

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 15:53:29

I think it was very unwise of him to invite DSS before you two had even discussed it. My DH and I always discuss holiday details first before we tell the children, I would have thought most parents do. Particularly for example if the holiday is in term time and a child is in school. Or where it involves financial outlay ( which it will for DSS)

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 16:09:21

I posted two threads by accident. I thought I had deleted the other as I can't view it? That's the reason why I haven't replied to the other one.

My DH has never made an effort with my parents and they have been nothing but nice to him in the past. For example last week we took our daughter swimming and I had planned to visit my patents after it. He went in his own car so he didn't have to come.

So I think it's cheeky how he presumes he can bring his son on their holiday without him speaking to them about it first.

We haven't booked anything yet, but I know my stepson from previous holidays and he gets bored and vocalises that a lot. He expects to be entertained. He will be bored on this holiday which is why I have suggested the 4 of us go on a different holiday.

I have suggested to DH that he speaks to his son and ask him what he would rather do regarding holiday plans. But he refuses.

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 16:15:12

Tbh given that your DH sounds actually very rude with respect to your patents I think it is a) very odd and hypocritical of him to accept a fully funded holiday from them and b) even worse to assume this included a free holiday for his son, who hasn't met your patents (presumably as your DH doesn't see them enough for a mutual meeting to have ever taken place given the son doesn't live with him). Your DH sounds very rude and entitled. I'm cross on your patents' behalf. That your DSS1's father isn't his fault, but not is it yours, and nor is it your parents'

exoticfruits Sun 03-Mar-13 16:15:52

It is basically a communication problem-I would guess OH doesn't want to go. The best solution if for you and baby to go on your own with them and have a different holiday for all 4 in the summer-IMO. It sounds as if everyone would be much happier.

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 16:17:54

I still think your parents shouldn't be expected to treat your husbands son as their own GC when you husband doesn't appear to have the manners to treat them with any respect

N0tinmylife Sun 03-Mar-13 16:25:13

I feel a bit sorry for your DSS in all this. Maybe he would like to be included in his sisters first holiday? Have you asked your parents what they think about him coming? I can't imagine refusing to take my DSS on holiday with us in a situation where he wanted to come, and was able to. Maybe it is time your parents, and your DH, and DSS got to know each other? How bad can it be if it is only for a long weekend?

Petal02 Sun 03-Mar-13 17:30:31

I suspect the OP would like her daughter's first holiday to be just close family, which is fair enough. I wouldn't expect anyone to class a non-resident 17 yr old as close family, especially if he doesn't know the OP's parents. To me, it would feel quite intrusive if he came along.

Nurse1980 Sun 03-Mar-13 17:51:37

He doesn't really have much to do with his sister though. He'll sit with her for a few mins while he is waiting for his tea. Then that's it he doesn't really play with her after that. Just sits in his bedroom playing computer games.

I just don't think it's fair on my parents.

Petal02 Sun 03-Mar-13 17:54:37

I don't think it's fair on your parents either.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 03-Mar-13 18:08:20

But the OPs DSS is her DPs close family and its his DDs first holiday, too!
The same situation from two totally different viewpoints!

allnewtaketwo Sun 03-Mar-13 18:54:22

OP if you want to go on holiday with your patents then you should go with your DD. I don't think the only issue here is DSS. If you DH can't be bothered to pass the time of day with your patents then he shouldn't be accepting a free holiday from them.
I think it would be awkward, whether DSS comes or not..

exoticfruits Sun 03-Mar-13 19:02:40

* I wouldn't expect anyone to class a non-resident 17 yr old as close family, especially if he doesn't know the OP's parents*

I don't know how much closer you expect to get than sibling!
I would be furious if someone said that my DSs were not close family. They have a parent in common!!

Petal02 Sun 03-Mar-13 20:29:47

What I mean is, with the arrival if the new baby, the OP and her DH have created their own little unit within a bigger unit (if that makes sense), and as the OP has already said that her DSS is not particularly interested in the new baby - then why shouldn't she wanted to visit her parents with her husband and their new baby, without any other relatives?

exoticfruits Sun 03-Mar-13 22:16:58

There is also no way that I would let a new parter create their own little unit and ignore the fact that they just added to the unit that was already there. No one in our family, or extended family, differentiates between DCs. DH got my DS when he married me- and so did his family.

exoticfruits Sun 03-Mar-13 22:19:17

She is very young- I expect he will be more interested when she walks and talks- and then they have a ready babysitter. When they get time alone they can develop the relationship.

Incrediblemee Mon 04-Mar-13 09:52:18

Op, is it possible dh only wants dss to come along so that he has someone to talk to, as he does not particularly enjoy your parents company? If so, it might be worth the effort to keep everybody happy, but dh should cough up for dss expenses, xx

UC Mon 04-Mar-13 10:07:25

Hello Nurse. I've just been reading your comments on the other rota thread... That puts a whole new light on this OP I think.

From reading the other thread, your OH effectively disney dad's your DSS so much that he has asked that you don't wash and dry your hair on days when DSS is there, as that means he has to look after your baby instead of spending time with his son, your DSS. You also said your OH hasn't spoken to you for a few days, as he's too busy entertaining DSS with paintballing etc. Total insanity IMO.

It sounds as though you are two units - your OH and DSS, and you and your baby. Your OH is only part of the unit that is you and your baby when his son isn't around? When his son is around, he takes no responsibility at all for your (joint, I assume) baby as that would "deprive" DSS of his attention.

To be honest, that sounds insane, totally mad. And is the issue that I think you need to address. FAST. Otherwise, I can imagine you will get fed up and leave, and then your OH will end up with a rota of visiting children, none of whom are allowed to be there at the same time, or must never overlap - because they must all have individual Daddy time, not to be shared with anyone else.

On the other hand, you also sound as though you have also divided your family in your head. Why don't your parents know DSS at all? Why have they never met?

I think there are some fundamental issues to look at in your set up. Sorry.

flurp Mon 04-Mar-13 11:30:26

I can see this from both sides.
I do think that your DSS has a right to be included in all family holidays, your parents shouldn't be expected to pay for him though. Like it or not you and your DH have TWO children between you and you can't blatently exclude one of them like this. DP and I have 4 between us, and
However, your DH is at fault here for making no effort with your parents yet still expecting them to extend their generosity to his son whom they have never met.
I think your choices are either go on your own with your DD or you all go and DH will have to pay for DSS and ensure he behaves.
The upside could be that this is an ideal opportunity for your DSS and your to get to know each other.

flurp Mon 04-Mar-13 11:33:10

That bit was meant to be :
DP and I have 4 dc between us and we can't afford to take them all away together so we do have separate holidays with our respective dcs but we would NEVER both take 2 and leave 2 behind - whoever was paying.

Strongertogether Mon 04-Mar-13 13:02:21

If stepson lived with you then I can see that going away without him would be unfair on him. From what I gather it is an access arrangement therefore I don't see why he HAS to come with you and why your parents should be expected to pay (even if they had met him). That's ridiculous. Your DP is taking your parents hospitality for granted. Stick to your guns here, do let yourself become emotionally blackmailed.

Nurse1980 Mon 04-Mar-13 16:06:57

Hi,

Only just managed to get on today. Well we've had a big chat and his son is coming, he has promised to make sure he behaves abd doesn't have a face on him etc.

I've also told him my parents will not be paying either. My parents are fine about him coming,

The other issues have also been addressed and I'll just have to keep an eye on it.

exoticfruits Mon 04-Mar-13 17:38:18

Sounds a good solution to me. A good time to blend the entire family. Hope it goes well.

balia Mon 04-Mar-13 20:05:41

I'm so pleased this worked out, I felt really upset for you all when reading it. I would have been devastated if DH's family had offered to take us on holiday but without inviting DD (DH's DSD) but she does live with us, at least. And on the other side, we are going to be able to take DSS on holiday with us for the first time ever, after having to fight it through the courts. We go on a family summer holiday with my parents, which my wonderful Dad pays for. When DH broached the idea of paying for DSS this year, my Dad said he was paying for the family holiday, and DSS was family. And DSS doesn't live with us, and my parents don't see him much.

I really hope you all have a great time.

charlearose Mon 04-Mar-13 20:17:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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