Anyone suspected the DH ex exaggerates DSC health condition for attention?

(111 Posts)
dignifiedsilence Wed 16-Jan-13 18:10:30

Please see my other post re past experience.
I feel bad even thinking this but this but its 1 big drama when this child is ill on her mothers part. There's always 'bits' added on about when she is ill and 'how ill' she is. She has a headache and is rushed to the doctor. She has difficulty breathing, put on oxygen, chest xray clear but doctors sent her home because she lives so close to the hospital (really? if she was that ill would they let her home?) She's not disabled nor special needs but is dealt with like she has a terminal illness by her mother. Sounds harsh but I'm sure I'm not alone in this.
Anyone else want to share?

No, unfortunately for my stepchildren its a case of health issues being ignored or deliberately played down despite protests from DH. I have heard of others having similar experience to yourself though.

One23 Wed 16-Jan-13 18:26:53

We have the same problem as Sparkle - Recently EX handed them back to us and told us they were very ill and that we needed to take them to doctors. She has also not given them prescription medication properly and not told us when they have been given medicine shortly before coming home to our house from hers and we nearly gave it to them again!

NotaDisneyMum Wed 16-Jan-13 18:31:39

One memorable summer, DSS's mum convinced the family Dr that DSS had Swine Flu - in order to avoid a mediation appointment with DP!

DSS was fine - a bit of untreated hayfever, but was medicated by the GP and quarantined - which caused him to miss out on his birthday party which his mum then had to cancel! She really didn't think it through!

In contrast, when DSD needed urgent medical treatment for over 50 infected bites, she ignored it and gave DP an earful when he took DSD out of school to get it treated.

Totally inconsistent and bonkers - or just a narcissist, whichever wink

theredhen Wed 16-Jan-13 19:16:05

Oh yes grin

My dsc have never had a headache only "migraines" and several days off school as well as a long list of "allergies" which apparently she has told the school about and demanded they change the school kitchens to accommodate the allergies which include pan metals and food wrappings.

A sprain to the knee was a "broken leg".

A mild cough is severe asthma.

Swine flu was diagnosed by her just at the time of a big family occasion at ours and kids were quarantined at hers. No one else in our town had swine flu.

School attendance has been so bad for one of the dsc, the welfare officer has been out twice. Kids are kept off school for weeks just for a mild cold. Ex and dsc are constantly at the doctors.

None actually have any serious illnesses, allergies or even intolerances.

Of course dp is abusive in not taking the children's illnesses seriously, contact has been stopped by her many times for his refusal to medicate the children on her demands.

I think she's used it as a form of control over both the kids and dp.

dignifiedsilence Wed 16-Jan-13 19:20:53

Sparklesoiree & One23 yes always a flip side xx
NotaDisneyMum:- thats defo narcissistic. I think she does it because she can't help herself and also to guilt trip my OH. I'm not saying she hasn't been ill or that her mother is making her ill but I defo think she exaggerates stuff to the point where the child is going to see the pattern and will probably buy into her mothers fantasy (the more she is ill the more attention she gets).
I don't see her (see my previous thread) but if she gets a headache he gets asked if she's banged her head or a rash....someone in the house must have an infection!!
Things I say to describe her:-
Attention seeker
Golden Uterus syndrome
Mother of the year
The list goes on. LOL
Has anyone been through all this and good things have come out of it?

dignifiedsilence Wed 16-Jan-13 19:25:19

Wow redhen something not right there huh? She sounds like the same person I'm dealing with smile
My future step child apparently has asthma but is only 4. As a chronic sufferer myself I know this cannot be definitely diagnosed until after 5 and they give the meds based on symptoms and family history and until I came along my partner believed her version of her various illnesses.
there is defo something wrong with her mental health xx

WinterLover Wed 16-Jan-13 21:20:38

Oh yes! DSD has asthma apparently... Although in the past 2+ years we've never had to use a reliever. She never coughs or other symptoms here. At mums every cough/clear of the throat gets the inhaler administered.... Nothing to do with her mum smoking in the kitchen doorway or the tumble dryer pipe in the kitchen not outside.

DPs got bad asthma, so I know it pisses him off.

Ex's whole family over exaggerate illnesses. Ex had a clot on the lung, very poorly blah blah still managed a night out drinking though hmmm

dignifiedsilence Thu 17-Jan-13 07:30:17

Hi winterlover thanks for sharing smile. She also texts messages things that a 4 year old couldn't possibly say. Things like * says its a shame my dad wasn't here today he could of seen me opening my presents. DP has NEVER lived with her and NEVER seen her on Christmas Day or Birthdays cos her mother makes it that way! Totally unbelievable!! She's even taken my job title on a social networking site...I'm a sales analyst she sells slimming pills and make up but yes she still calls herself the same...Maybe I should offer her some asthma advice or offer to help her when exams come around? :D xx

Petal02 Thu 17-Jan-13 10:50:34

My DH’s ex either over-exaggerates or “forgets to tell us” about illnesses – depending on which option will cause DH the most inconvenience.

At some point when he was around 13 or 14, DSS was diagnosed with a mild nut allergy, and he’s supposed to keep epi-pens (or something similar) with him at all times. The ex failed to mention this to DH. I know how her head works, she’d be perfectly happy for DSS to have been taken ill during an access weekend, knowing that DH wouldn’t have a clue about the allergy, and she could then “point score” with doctors/hospital etc. We only found about the epi-pens when DSS was 15, he casually mentioned it in passing.

DSS also uses inhalers for asthma, the ex regularly “forgot” to ensure that DSS brought his inhalers to our house, DH made attempts to obtain inhalers from DSS’s GP, but the ex did everything she could to obstruct this, including “losing” the spare inhaler that the surgery mistakenly dispensed to her instead of DH.

The stupid women seemed to forget that her actions could potentially prove fatal for DSS, but her desire to antagonise DH overrides her concern for her son.

We’ve then had the other extreme – whereby DH has collected DSS on a Thursday evening for access, DSS appears to be fine, and then the ex phones up and tells DH that DSS is very poorly, must definitely not go to school on Friday, and that DH must stay home (ie not go to work) to nurse him, and if she finds DSS is home-alone, she’ll call social services ……..

dignifiedsilence Thu 17-Jan-13 11:29:07

Petal you have hit the nail right on the head with over-exaggerates or “forgets to tell us” about illnesses. I'm not allowed to see her (I'll post link to my other thread when I work out how) but the crap this woman comes out with is unbelievable! I definitely think these women are at best borderline personality and have often thought maybe she has a mild form of Munchhausens by proxy. I'll find the link now if you would like to read? Thank god for mumsnet so I can rant LOL grin

dignifiedsilence Thu 17-Jan-13 11:30:12
AndieDisestablishment Sat 19-Jan-13 17:42:23

Oh my life!
Complete echoes of my DPs nutcase ex. Last Feb she contacted DP to say DSS2 had a really bad cold and she'd had to take him to the emergency clinic as he had turned blue but he was ok now. No mention of it since. She stopped DP seeing both of his boys in July after we took them on a day out (jealous tantrum!) In Dec they had a "family meeting" to rearrange contact after we'd jumped through hoops with her solicitors (I wasn't invited as she knew I'd call her out on all her bullshit as I've been a research demon since she kicked off) anyway, during the meeting it comes out that DSS2 had had several of these "episodes" which she has conveniently neglected to tell DP! Seven weeks on and he hasn't had a single one. I'm wondering if it's an attention seeking device on her part "oh, poor ex dealing with the sick baby all alone"
Over Christmas she text (text, not called) in the middle of the night to say DS2 was being sick for hours (a total of 7 hours by the time she'd finished her attention seeking) and she was taking him to A&E (she didn't, FIL went and checked....he was the only one awake and with a car at the time, all her lights were off too!) She instantly blamed my DCs for giving him a bug or MILs cooking (apparently an old favourite.)
She's nuts. I don't get it. She's sent DSSs without wellies today so we can't play in the snow, asked DSS1 and he said "mummy said no". Spiteful but a different issue.

slowlycatchymonkey Sat 19-Jan-13 19:47:14

This thread is vile

wouldulikeit Sat 19-Jan-13 19:58:44

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

You could say that poor kids actually have to grow up being emotionally scarred and damaged by mothers like this.

MonkeyABC Sat 19-Jan-13 21:30:47

Andie - She can't just stop him seeing them for 5 months, why doesn't your DP apply to court and get a residency order for set contact so she can't do things like that.

Although I do think the wellies issue is a bit on a non issue - £5 Tesco job would have done the trick for one weekend.

MeaninglessStrife Sat 19-Jan-13 22:33:20

Ex H brought DD home with a 'twisted ankle' - it was broken.

He failed to give DD her inhalers (because she's probably not asthmatic and OWS uncles brothers dog is REALLY asthmatic hmm ) Her lips were navy blue when he dropped her off and she ended up in hospital on oxygen and nebulisers for 2 days.

Little DD suffers from chronic constipation which can be mainly managed by diet. After a 7 night stay with her father, she was so impacted with faeces that she needed sedation in hospital in order to have them manually removed.

TheSecondComing Sat 19-Jan-13 22:37:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndieDisestablishment Sat 19-Jan-13 22:39:32

Monkey Because it costs £200 to apply to court which we don't have and we don't qualify for legal aid, unlike her. The wellies thing is not a non issue, we don't have a car to nip to the shops when she does stuff like rhat and can't afford to double up on everything just in case she feels like playing silly buggers.

Meaningless Sounds like your ex is nigh on useless.

MonkeyABC Sat 19-Jan-13 23:04:26

Andie - £200 is a lot of money, I know that. But surely it's worth £200 to your DP to ensure he regularly sees his children and doesn't have to jump to ex's every demand just because he can't afford to apply to court. This happened back in July so surely you could have saved a little bit each month. What if she decided to withhold contact again for another six months? I could not live like that and she is a bitch to do that to the kids hmm

slowlycatchymonkey Sun 20-Jan-13 00:32:35

Any of those ailments mentioned in this thread could easily be described by a parent as genuine.
How many of us here are guilty of being overly precious about our children when it comes to illness? What strikes me on this (horrible) thread is that a parents legitimate concerns regarding sickness is twisted beyond all reason and now we are even hearing calls for diagnosis of munchausens by proxy.

Jesus christ. Heaven forbid a child ever gets ill on 'mums watch', because If they do, according to this lot- it'll be a big conspiratorial LIE designed to upset SM


To hear des

BlooMoon Sun 20-Jan-13 07:26:52

I sometimes lurk here but rarely butt in. In this case though...

Being a parent is bloody difficult sometimes, especially when children are ill. Different people, whether together or separated, have hugely different thresholds for when to seek medical advice. I tend to be much more cautious if I've not got another adult to bounce my concerns off.

Attacking this child's mother for her health-related decisions strikes me as cheap and unnecessary, and makes you look bad. She is communicating information and concerns re her child's health to her child's father - surely that is a good thing?

And to correct some misconceptions:
There is no cut-off age for the diagnosis of asthma.

If the child warranted a referral to hospital, and needed a chest x-ray and oxygen, she clearly was pretty poorly. And yes, she could have been sent home, especially if the hospital was under bed pressure. The doctors would have only allowed this if they thought the mum was sensible, had the logistics to be able to return if necessary, and the child appeared to be improving.

It is sometimes appropriate to take a child to a doctor for headache, It is definitely appropriate to ask about rashes (ever heard of meningitis?), head injuries, and any bugs going around.

From the health-related information you have posted, you start talking about Munchausens by proxy? Unbelievable. She sounds like a pretty on-the-ball sensible parent to me. Sorry.

I do appreciate you may have other reasons to dislike her, but you are going too far here.

AndieDisestablishment Sun 20-Jan-13 09:25:19

Monkey If we'd had the money to save we would have, trust me. DP is a self employed contractor, when he works we save any "expendable" income for the periods when he may not work (5 months in total last year) I have nobody else to help financially or practically with my children as my ex is deceased. DPs ex however thinks DP is loaded (even though the reason she left was him being out of work!) I've got the court forms filled out for the moment we do have the money, believe me!

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 09:37:20

Yy I went throught this as did my children. We were dragged through court and my children were not properly treated for rare cinditions as I was scared of false accusations again.

I am now going after abusive ex and taking him back to court for deformation of character etc and medical child neglect etc now I have evidence.

He and dc sm spoke about me as you are speaking.

millie30 Sun 20-Jan-13 10:03:45

My Ex has accused me of inventing chickenpox and chest infections. Any time my DS is ill my first worry is if it will affect contact and how will Ex react, when my only priority should have to be DS. If some of the tales in this thread are true, then many of these mothers are guilty either of serious medical neglect or a form of Munchausens. If this is the case then I assume the fathers are currently petitioning the courts or social services to have their children removed from these unfit mothers?

MissAnnersley Sun 20-Jan-13 10:15:19

My DS ended up in hospital as his dad and step mum didn't 'believe' he had asthma.

He was in hospital for five days.

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 10:19:11

Millie, just so these posters are aware, when cafcass do investigate, the kids become "known" to SS, the kids speak to cafcass, ss and several times to a psychiatrist, on own and with each parent.

The dc have to live with a traumatised Mum too.

My dc were damaged by "investigations" and by me having to get myself dx before them, so their dx was delayed.

Do rock on with false allegations and court cases.

I got cafcass files, medical dx for kids etc...

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 10:50:53

I'm sick and tired of being attacked as a SM on the boards designed to allow SM to vent their frustrations.

There are plenty of mothers who fail to seek treatment for a DCs illness, or exaggerate their symptoms for their own convenience - many of them are written about elsewhere on MN by neighbours, grandparents, childminders, teachers and friends.

But woe betide the step-parent who dares express the same opinion - then the DC is being emotionally abused and is the subject of pity. angry

millie30 Sun 20-Jan-13 11:11:23

I thought this was a board about step-parenting issues, not an exclusive club for SMs to slag off their partners Ex where no one is allowed to criticise or disagree with an OP. On all the other boards there are disagreements and a variety of opinions, why should step-parenting be exempt from this?

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 11:18:36

eh? Just explaining the consequences on innocent children and on Fathers who make these factually incorrect allegations.

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 11:35:31

oh and if the dc are over 12 cafcass won't give the parents the files, only the dc can get them, so my ex is royally fucked with his lies filed by professionals upon who's allegations reports were persued for the court. He is in massive trouble and has no idea how much yet!

slowlycatchymonkey Sun 20-Jan-13 11:39:58

Eh NADM? Are you saying that this board can only be used if everyone is in total agreement? Come on! Some of the things being said on this thread are fucking ridiculous- mum dared to text dad to say as was throwing up and that's attention seeking?!
Tell me, when is it ever ok to say that a step mum is out of order? Unless of course you're saying that they are not.....

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 11:45:04

Nowhere else on MN (with the exception of AIBU) can a poster call the OP and those who agree with her 'twisted' with impunity.
You may disagree - but personal attacks are accepted here like nowhere else on MN.

If you know that your DCs SM is a risk and danger to your DSC emotional wellbeing then why don't you withhold contact - their relationship with their Dad is not worth it.

voddiekeepsmesane Sun 20-Jan-13 11:49:15

There ARE mums who do this just as much as there are dads and SMs that don't take illness seriously. Why is it so hard for some people to acknowledge that some mums are just as feckless as dads? But because they have the courts behind them that is ok?

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 11:49:47

I didn't make personal attacks, I explained the consequences of factually incorrect information sharing. It would help to address those making pa's directly by name.

slowlycatchymonkey Sun 20-Jan-13 11:51:12

Alternatively if you think DSC are at risk of a mother with MBP then you should refuse to send the child back.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 11:51:33

No,no, no - once the DCs of a feckless mum have a step-mum then the feckless mum sees the error of her ways and becomes a martyr to her DCs needs and wants wink

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 11:54:44

slowly if you'd read my post, you'll know that is exactly what DP did - withdrew his DD from school to seek treatment that her mum refused, and took DS to the GP for a second opinion regarding diagnosis that was based on his ex's telephone report of symptoms.

But of course - this never happens because SM are evil and make things up.

slowlycatchymonkey Sun 20-Jan-13 11:55:08

Of course there are crap mothers, but just how in the hell does texting to say they are throwing up constitute attention seeking? Or being precious about healthcare constitute MBP?
Jesus, this is a forum. People are entitled to disagree. Saying that every single difference of opinion is 'step-mum' bashing is nothing more than pulling up a straw man.

slowlycatchymonkey Sun 20-Jan-13 11:57:32

And NADM if you'd read mine, you'd see that I was not referring to your case as one that I took issue with, but rather the more ridiculous ones upthread.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 11:58:26

And how does lying to a family Dr about symptoms and unnecessarily medicating a DC constitute 'genuine healthcare concerns'?

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 11:59:49

monkey you referred to 'any if the ailments in this thread' - I took that to refer to my post as well.

Part of my DH's ExPs argument for refusing him contact with his DS was that he wets the bed after seeing my DH "because its too stressful for him" now we've got overnight contact....Funnily enough he's never wet the bed yet. And is very reluctant to go back to her.

I appreciate there are a lot of waste of space Dads but unless you've been a Step Mum with a battle against nightmare ExPs I don't think you can comment fairly.

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 12:11:16


If you read my posts you will not see sm referred to or slagged off confused you seem to be mixing me up with someone else.

Again, I was posting of the consequences in innocents and unwell people.

slowlycatchymonkey Sun 20-Jan-13 12:13:53

What I said was they could be described by the parent as genuine, as in the parent was genuinely concerned. My child's SM wrongly diagnosed her with asthma last year. Did I see it as a wicked ploy to undermine me or make me look neglectful? No, I saw it as someone who is more anxious about these matters than I am.

We all have different thresholds when it comes to illness. I know parents who rush to the doctors with a sneeze and others who participate in a bit of benign neglect on these matters. Point is, neither are interpreted the way they are on here. I mean MBP? Seriously!

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 12:26:20

monkey You are clearly a better person than me.

When a mother lies to a family Dr and unnecessarily medicates a DC at a time that directly coincides with the court ordered mediation that she has repeatedly refused and resisted - I do not for one moment consider that it is 'genuine concern' on her part. I'm a suspicious cow who thinks that my DSC mum is capable of anything, including subjecting her DCs to unnecessary healthcare, in order to avoid things that she doesn't want to do. Does that fits the definition of MBP?

If that makes me a WSM, then so be it!

Glad you have a good understanding relationship with your DCs SM, slowlycatchymonkey. I wish we had that. On "exchange day" they don't even speak. They communicate via writing in a book. It's snowed quite heavily here, so my DH text her yesterday to make sure she was still bringing DSS. I work sat morning so it meant that DH would have to get my DS (1yo) all wrapped up to go out to pick DSS up. She didn't even have the courtesy to reply.

Astley Sun 20-Jan-13 12:40:53

Andie you don't even have wellies at your house? Should she be expected to provide everything they might ever need at YOUR house so you don't have to actually buy anything?!

We have Wellies, Astley <hopefully accrues StepMum brownie points>

elliebellys Sun 20-Jan-13 12:50:32

Dignified,your posts are disgracefull.its not so much sm venting,its attacking the mum on every post,just cos you despise her.are you a doctor by the way?,all these diagnosis your doing.there are not many posts that really get me angry,but yours has managed it..

Astley Sun 20-Jan-13 12:55:16

Haha saladcream that isvery sensible. We have wellies etc at the IL's so when we go down there and the weather changes we are prepared.

Wellies are about £3 in the supermarket. Why would you not have your own set anyway? Just so if the ones at their Mothers house spilt or they misplace them you actually have a pair?

I just don't get why anyone would expect the Mother to provide everything. And then bitch about it when she doesn't.

AndieDisestablishment Sun 20-Jan-13 12:55:48

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Astley Sun 20-Jan-13 12:58:33

Do you really resent the idea of spending £3 of wellies so she doesn't have to?

slowlycatchymonkey Sun 20-Jan-13 12:59:10

Andie I think you've take Astleys post out of context completely. I also fail to see how it's mums fault the kids don't have wellies?? How would she know they were needed that weekend? Did dad ask for them specifically?

Of course you should have wellies at your house along with all other clothes, underware etc, that's just silly to complain over that.

Astley Sun 20-Jan-13 13:14:19

Exactly, surely it's just common sense with children to have spares. Next you'll be complaining she doesn't send them with a packlunch for the weekend hmm

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 13:25:05

Woo, do sm threads normally go from moaning calling Mothers mhbp abusers, to wellygate type moans as a regular occurance?

If I was with a Man who had a mhbp ex, I would worry about what kind of Man he was and what work he had done in himself between relationships.

Petal02 Sun 20-Jan-13 13:27:56

The problem is that some (but not all) mothers despatch their children off for access weekends without even sensible basics. My DH's ex would send DSS to us without his winter coat, or with only his trainers during bad weather. She did it deliberately, so that DH would have to purchase extra coats/shoes etc. It's not practical to have two full sets of shoes/clothes at each house, particularly when access is on an EOW basis. I used to suggest to DH that he drove over to his ex's house to collect the missing shoes/coat, but he wouldn't do it, for fear of 'rocking the boat'. The ex knew this, and used it fully to her advantage. Before I met DH, he took his children away for a week's holiday, and the ex didn't pack any clothes for either of them, they were despatched in the set of clothes they were wearing. DH was foolish enough not to argue, and had to get both of them a week's worth of clothes, just to avoid rocking the boat (again).

MerryCouthyMows Sun 20-Jan-13 13:28:12

As an aside - there ISN'T an age limit for diagnosis of asthma. It is usually based on the amount of hospital admissions with asthma-type symptoms, or breathing difficulties.

My DS2 was dxd with asthma at just 7 months old by his respiratory consultant after his fourth admissions to Paeds ICU for breathing difficulties.

At 9yo, he is on a VERY high dose of inhalers and has to take his reliever at regular intervals during the day.

His Dad (my Ex) takes this just as seriously as I do. Thankfully. But having your child on oxygen and nebulisers in hospital 24 times in 9 years helps to sharpen your mind.

If any new partner of his decided that it was just an 'overreaction' on my part, and started accusing me of Muchausen's by proxy, I would have to give serious consideration to insisting on contact in a contact centre or outside but without her present, to ensure the medical well being of my DS2.

Ditto for our DS3's dxd serious allergies.

wouldulikeit Sun 20-Jan-13 13:39:10

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RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 20-Jan-13 13:42:54


Nowhere else on MN (with the exception of AIBU) can a poster call the OP and those who agree with her 'twisted' with impunity.
You may disagree - but personal attacks are accepted here like nowhere else on MN.


We're going to go through this thread now for personal attacks.

But please - could you report any that you see? We're only aware of this thread because one person reported a post on it (not for a personal attack, either).

We're a post-moderated site. We don't see personal attacks if you don't report them. We absolutely don't treat the Step-Parenting board any differently from any other (and that goes for AIBU too!)


Petal02 Sun 20-Jan-13 13:46:11

I think it's completely logical for SM's to post on a board that deals with step parenting issues, surely you want to discuss issues with others in a similar position? If you want to discuss fishing (for example) you'd most likely read a "fishing" thread to find other people who go fishing??? You wouldn't post your query on a cake-icing thread .......

voddiekeepsmesane Sun 20-Jan-13 13:54:13

And to add to Petal's post, although you may have opinions about fishing, you really can not be knowledgeable unless you have actually fished.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 13:56:07

likeit Have you seen the venom directed at ex partners and OW on the LP board?

Why aren't LP subject to the same moderation by yourself because the sole purpose of those threads is to vent/skag off about their ex?

Talk about double standards!

elliebellys Sun 20-Jan-13 14:32:50

Nadm,there is a difference between slaggin off exs nd comin on these threads and diagnosin medical conditions.,and accusin people of making up conditions.its disgracefull..

MeaninglessStrife Sun 20-Jan-13 14:41:23

'Before I met DH, he took his children away for a week's holiday, and the ex didn't pack any clothes for either of them, they were despatched in the set of clothes they were wearing. DH was foolish enough not to argue, and had to get both of them a week's worth of clothes, just to avoid rocking the boat (again).'

And on the flip side of that, when Ex was allowed overnight contact with the children, he took them away for a week over the summer. I spent approx £150 on new holiday clothes, sandals etc. Around half of it was returned, and what was returned had clearly been washed at high temps and then tumble dried - shrunk so badly that none of it fitted. if it had been accidental and he'd offered to replace any of it then fair enough. But cheered on by OW he laughed in my face when i asked him to replace it. 'If' he is ever allowed overnight contact again, I won't be sending any spare clothes. And the children understand the reasons why.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 14:44:15

Tut, tut - how dare we have an opinion!

Why is it disgraceful that I think my DSC mum made up DSS medical condition - but it's perfectly acceptable for a Mum on the LP board to accuse her ex of lying about his income? What's the difference?

elliebellys Sun 20-Jan-13 14:58:49

So do only sm s oppinions count then,fgs this is gettin petty on here lately.whenever someone has a different oppinion its always sm always get picked on. Card.

lunar1 Sun 20-Jan-13 15:04:45

How on earth did these mums cope before all these perfect sm's came into the picture.

I'm a senior hospital sister dh is a consultant, didn't stop us rushing to a&e thinking our pfb had meningitis. We were wrong.

My school friend was sent into school for 2 days because her consultant parents missed her broken wrist.

Anyone can make a mistake, anyone can over react. Especially if you are alone most of the time with children. It's not just something people dream up to piss off perfect sm's, it's called being human and imperfect.

millie30 Sun 20-Jan-13 15:05:16

I think the OP's list of nicknames for her DP's ex would have been just as horrid if they had been posted by a lone parent about a new woman actually. It was also the relish with which other SMs were invited to 'share' their tales and mock the mothers attiudes to their DCs being ill which I think has led some posters to disagree. Not all posts criticising a SM are SM bashing, sometimes they are just 'unpleasant OP' bashing.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 15:09:38

ellie SM aren't naive enough to think that we're much loved members of society (or MN) but there are some people who have no direct contact with a step situation who watch the step-boards for opportunities to hound SMs - for all the reasons that are well documented and regularly discussed here!

My point is that most MN users will tolerate, accept and sympathise when a lone parent, or parent of an SN child/teen/multiples are having a bad day and type things that may generalise or not reflect readers own experience. That same courtesy is not extended to Stepmums.

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 15:14:10

Am I as a step child, with dc with a sm qualified allowed to post on step parenting part of MN?

Meaningless that reads as if your not gonna allow access cos of a laundry issue!! Hope that's not the case :-/

I'd love to be able to take my DSS away for the weekend/week. We wouldn't have any laundry mishaps as we have clothes for him to wear when he stays with us (she sends him in tat).

I can't believe how much bitterness goes on between exes. Just feel sorry for the kids :-(

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 15:16:54

millie that's a good point - I didn't read the OP like that but I can see that it might have been.

Stepmum and MIL threads seem to bring out the worst in people (me included) - but sometimes it would be nice to be able to vent 'being a stepmum is crap sometimes ' and not worry about being called twisted by complete strangers whose motive is to make me feel worse.

I vent about how hard it is parenting my DD too - and I'm not called an evil/wicked mum - so presumably I'm not all bad !

elliebellys Sun 20-Jan-13 15:23:05

Nadm,there is a post in relationships bout sm who doesnt like her sd,she,s not gettin a batterin.its the way people post that gets others backs up.not bcos they are step parents.

Being invited to 'share' experiences means just that. Sharing experiences allows others to learn and maybe use new tools or coping strategies that others have passed on. It doesn't mean that the OP is inviting parents in for some kind of nasty 'slagging off' session.

It may be difficult for some to entertain the idea that some parents use their child for attention but it does happen and is certainly not uncommon in step family situations where emotional battles rumble on for years....

I really feel that stepmothers are treated like second class citizens at times on this site, having read the vitriol aimed at them over the years.

BalloonSlayer Sun 20-Jan-13 15:30:38

My DH's ex would send DSS to us without his winter coat, or with only his trainers during bad weather. She did it deliberately, so that DH would have to purchase extra coats/shoes etc.

The children of my Stepfather (lovely man, still very fond of him) used to be sent by his ex-wife in the shabbiest outgrown clothes ever. They looked awful. I did wonder how she could bear to send them like that, but I think I was about 15 when I twigged that he didn't give enough money to support them and she was trying to shame him into buying them some bloody clothes. And as I say, I love him still and I never liked her.

slowlycatchymonkey Sun 20-Jan-13 15:31:38

NADM I think it's fair to say you're on of the most balanced of posters on MN and that will be why you are not called wicked or anything else.
Millie hit the nail on the end when she explains that it's the mocking tone of the OP and the list of names for her DSC's mother ( golden uterus, wtf??). I have to say though, that it is often the case on this board that any kind of objection or defence of a mother (however rational) is considered step bashing and really, it's kind of annoying not to be able to have a difference of opinion without this being brought up. Like i have explained upthread, we all have different thresholds when it comes to illness and the way that is interpreted on this thread is sad. I
speak from experience when I say that when you are a step parent or an ex your behaviour is relentlessly scrutinised and misinterpreted by the other party and it is bloody exhausting. When there's no trust, that scrutiny is awful and it leads to ridiculous accusations like some I've read on here today.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 15:50:26

monkey thank you, but I have been berated for being an uncaring/interfering/unfeeling/over invested stepmum; sometimes all on the same thread! It's on the posts about my DD - written in the same style and often about the same issue, that I've been left alone - I'm allowed to find it difficult to deal with my DDs Dad and say awful things about him, but heaven forbid I should express a negative opinion about my DSC mum!

The terms the OP used may be offensive to some but they are in common use in many cultures - Golden Uterus, for instance, is a term used in US courtrooms.

For what its worth, I'm equally offended when an ex's partner is referred to as the OW even when he met her long after the separation - but no one ever picks up on that as unacceptable.

The way i see it is that we all approach illness differently, i am generally quite panicky if any of the children are ill. dp not so much. But i wouldnt expect if i said sc had been ill that their mum would accuse me of over exaggerating and neither would i her.

Like others have said before i feel that steparents do get a raw deal, am allowed to say that my ds has done my head in but if i say sc are then im not being fair,im evil or i clearly dont like them, I stand by my theory that sometimes there isnt an underlying reason for bad behaviour sometimes children can just be naughty or annoying.

Like slowly the scrutinity as a stepparent is awful you either dont care enough or your too much. Its very difficult to find a happy medium

The very first time i mentioned being a stepmum ( In rl to recent newly made friend) they asked if i was the OW. i was pretty put out considering they had been spilt for about 4 years when we met. But ive been asked it many times since.

LtEveDallas Sun 20-Jan-13 15:58:36

Petal, we had exactly the same when DSD was small and bef

MeaninglessStrife Sun 20-Jan-13 15:59:43

No Salad - the 'courts' don't allow him access cos he beat the shit out of DD - whilst OW stood by and watched. So do excuse the bitterness hmm

LtEveDallas Sun 20-Jan-13 16:07:07

Damn phone.

...and before DH and I were married. DSD would turn up without even a toothbrush sad and with hardly any clothes. DSD mum use to say 'I let DSD pack for herself' - and she'd turn up for a week away with 5 pairs of pyjamas but no leggings or pants!

Being unused to children (or at least how much they cost) I'd take DSD straight to Adams and blow £100 in 20 minutes.

We cottoned on eventually (and discovered Primark) and would say to DSD that her new stuff had to stay at Nanas or with us but it just seemed so wrong that she couldn't take it with her and show it off sad

It didn't change until the first time we took DSD abroad - and DH pointed out that whatever she bought, whatever she was wearing, was the ONLY stuff she'd have for 2 weeks as we couldn't go shopping. Funnily enough she managed to pack well that time...

Obviously meaningless that is a whole new thread. Your bitterness is excused.

My DHs ExP is still a bitch troll from hell though.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 16:15:50

Meaningless - I'm not sure how your experience in any way relates to the OP?

Your violent exP failed to care for your DCs, and left them with untreated injuries. He also ruined clothing you sent with your DCs.

It's all terrible - but not relevant to this thread, iyswim? Just because you've had that experience doesn't mean that the OP is any less justified feeling the way she does in her own situation that is very different to your own!

MeaninglessStrife Sun 20-Jan-13 16:17:14

It's not a whole other thread at all Salad. OW is every bit as vile about me as the OP is about the mother of her partners children. For all we know, OPs partner may be an aggressive, abusive bully as well. As could ANY of the 'D' Ps and 'D' hs on this thread.

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 16:23:04

I don't send a toothbrush to my Kids GM when they stay overnight, she has a toothbrush there for them.

We had a snow refugge this weekend, they were given a new toothbrush from our supplies.

I am amazed that people on here resent clothing their stepkids and expect the Mother to do it all.

Wow, fancy having two weeks contact and not having adequate clothing for the child. Luckly the Mum didn't call ss on you for neglect of the childs basic needs.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 16:24:10

meaningless - not all men, or their partners, behave the way your ex has done.
I'm sure you don't believe that right now - it must be very hard for you not to see the worst in everyone.

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 16:31:28

fog I agree with you - a DC should have two homes where they have space, belongings, clothing etc - they shouldn't pack for a visit to their NRP.

Unfortunately, the CSA advises differently and places responsibility for clothing etc on the RP who is financially responsible.

meaningless I'm commenting on the original OP. Why did you not mention the DV on your first comment? OBVIOUSLY if your ExP has "beaten the shit out of your DD" then that is very wrong. I would have moved countries if that had happened to my DS.

My sc go between our two houses, they have different things at those houses the only thing that travels between is bookbags for school. It would be a nightmare hauling things between the two houses each week things would be constantly forgot and had to go back for and as well i enjoy going out shopping for clothes/shoes for sc as much as i do ds. Csa may suggest that clothes and other things travel between but i wouldnt ever want to do that.

LtEveDallas Sun 20-Jan-13 16:41:22


Wonderfully sarcastic, well done you!

Actually as both DH (then DP) and I lived in a room, with shared facilities, we found it hard enough having space for our own clothes/kit, let alone DSDs as well smile.

DSDs mum was given more than enough cash (as she deserved) to be able to clothe DSD adequately, neither of us (and remember I was only the girlfriend then) had room for a wardrobe for DSD. As for the holiday, well after driving 4 hours to collect her, and 2 hours back to the airport, funnily enough there wasnt time to buy her a bikini as well! (whereas having to go shopping the first day of every UK holiday was deemed acceptable).

LtEveDallas Sun 20-Jan-13 16:54:16

Oh and we didn't resent clothing their stepkids and expect the Mother to do it all

We resented DSDs mum using her daughter as a pawn in a battle that neither of us wanted to fight.

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 18:06:50

I am sadly not a mindreader Dallas, I can't be expected to know a nrp expects his children to sleep in a single room with his lover during contact, in a shared house.

I would expect someone who chooses to live so far away frim their children and who can afford holidays abroad to have at least a two bed home to enjoy contact wirh their children.

I would have personally in your bf's situation focused finances on a suitable home and providing basic needs for my children over holidays abroad and expect the other child to shop for the holiday clothes.

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 18:07:29

other parent to shop...

LtEveDallas Sun 20-Jan-13 18:23:37


I am sadly not a mindreader Dallas, I can't be expected to know a nrp expects his children to sleep in a single room with his lover during contact, in a shared house

So why automatically think the worst? Why not take what I said at face value?
Why not think outside your own prejudices for once. You look very silly when you don't.

It was a Sergeants Mess actually. I had my own room. My DHs had his own room. All facilities were shared - one shower room/bath/toilet between 4 rooms. When DSD came up I would move into DHs horrible 'single bloke' room and he and DSD would have my 'homely' room. The other men in the Mess would know she was staying and would not use that bathroom block.

I would expect someone who chooses to live so far away frim their children and who can afford holidays abroad to have at least a two bed home to enjoy contact wirh their children

DSDs mum was the one that moved actually. It was one of the reasons their marriage broke up. She was no longer willing to be an 'Army Wife' or to support the man she married in his career.

I would have personally in your bf's situation focused finances on a suitable home and providing basic needs for my children over holidays abroad and expect the other child to shop for the holiday clothes

DH bought DSDs mums house, and paid the mortgage. He couldn't afford to buy one for himself too. £2k a year on a holiday vs £500 a month on a mortgage. Oh and Child Support of course. Expecting her mum to buy adequate clothing for her child, and send that clothing with her was hardly asking for the moon.

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 18:35:55

If you don't put additional info in your first post, it is unreasonable to expect magical thinking and mind reading from other posters expecting them to know what you later reveal.

FogClearing Sun 20-Jan-13 18:42:43

Dallas you ask why I didn't take you at face value, answer, your posts sound bitter.

If the exw didn't change her mind as adults we are allowed about being an army wife you wouldn't be with your army man, I would have tought you would be gratefull to her for gifting him to you her loss and so on.

As for maintenance and houses, I am sure there is some later revealed injustice you will trump with, at present it sounds like solicitors advised the parents to split finances as they have in best interests of the children.

LtEveDallas Sun 20-Jan-13 18:45:44

But is it too much to expect posters NOT to automatically assume the worst? Instead of the sarcasm in your first post, would it have killed you to ask "why couldn't you have a room for DSD/DSDs things?" then I could have explained. Just because I am a stepmother it does not make me the devil incarnate. Neither does it make DH an evil father who abandoned his child.

(As it happens I was responding to Petal in my first post, and she DOES know that I am in the Army, she does know my history, so I don't need to explain the backstory to her)

LtEveDallas Sun 20-Jan-13 18:47:02

Eww 'gifting' him to me? Wow, just wow. Could you be any more stepford if you tried?

NotaDisneyMum Sun 20-Jan-13 18:48:19

You are kidding me, fog! Second wives should be grateful that their DHs first wives no longer wanted them - I've heard it all now blush

I would do anything to have prevented my DP from going through the pain and loss of his marriage breakdown - I'm not grateful to his exW for her behaviour that led to the end of their marriage, he is scarred for life, their DCs have suffered and their extended family have suffered to. Why on earth should I be grateful to the woman who caused my DP so much pain?

fogclearing your posts are dripping with sarcasm and bitterness.

notadisneymum I feel exactly the same about my DH having to endured what he did.. I would have done anything to prevent him experiencing it.

LtEveDallas Sun 20-Jan-13 19:02:56

Thirded. DH was pretty broken when I met him. That's not good for ANYONE.

voddiekeepsmesane Sun 20-Jan-13 19:05:32

MeaninglessStrife it IS another whole thread your bitterness (rightfully so) should not taint all OW/SM's with what your experience is though all respect to you.

We had the opposite to OP. DSS's mum didn't give a shit about what dss was eating or drinking as a child (no where near enough fruit or veg, 2 litres of coke a day!) now at 18 has major self confidence issues over rotting teeth ( not to mention the agony) She didn't give a shit that he suffered greatly from severe hay fever in the spring/summer. Wanted his hair long but didn't wash/check enough for nits so he constantly had them.

When I came along when dss was 6 (NOT THE OW) and tried to take dss to the dentist for teeth/ doctors for hayfever and manage nits was told to fuck off. DP had tried all these things as well many times but because he was NRP he had no power unless she agreed and she DIDN'T EVER!

Even though DP up until he was made redundant and at the same time lost his sight in 2009 he paid over half his wage to his ex.

As soon as dss turned 18 and left school he was promptly kicked out of home as he wasn't bring in any money (no benefits and while trying to find a job nothing around his mums)

He came to live with us, he has registered with our dentist and is slowly getting his teeth fixed. He registered with our doctors and is now medicated for hayfever in the spring/summer. He is now allowed to do what HE wants with his hair. He is now with our help working PT.

If only his now alcoholic mother would stop calling DP abusing him down the phone and texting dss that she does not want him at HER house, and realise that while dss will always be her child that he is NOT a child anymore at almost 19 and she keeps pushing him away.

So while we have had the opposite from the OP I can totally accept the opposite extreme can and does happen.

Theydeserve Sun 20-Jan-13 23:37:13

Problem is the stepparent rarely knows the EXP.

They have a distorted view from DP, hardly makes for a fair judgement.

I am of course a horrendous ExP, because I packed and then left at the front door the bag of clothes, toothbrushes etc for a 2 day stay with their father. That I was stressed as parent had just died was ignored and a vitriolic little diatribe of text messages ensued.For the first time in a year, EXP and his new DP bought some undies , 2 T shirts and 5 pairs of socks for them - whoopee. However, did they stay at their house, no all sent back to me - they are not allowed to leave any trace of their existence in the new life.

Forgot to say I get no maintenance.

NotaDisneyMum Mon 21-Jan-13 07:18:36

theydeserve All situations are different, which is where the problem lies - my DPs ex, for instance, demanded for months that DP removed all trace of the DCs from his home between visits, and insisted that they pack suitcases for contact visits.

The very thing that you find unacceptable from your ex, she expects from DP. Your ex would be able to successfully co-parent with someone like my DPs ex, because they share similar values regarding that issue smile

dignifiedsilence Mon 21-Jan-13 09:14:48

Whoa this is way out of hand I am telling it like it is and its well noted through all my OH's family and friends how insane his ex is. This womans older children have attempted to bully my daughter. WHY would they do that huh? They go out of their way to get on the same bus as her and purposely sit next to her, get their friends to try and befriend her friends!! Its pathetic and childish and I wanted to hear others experiences. I wasn't the cause of their break up OVER 5 YEARS AGO and neither are my children. SO YES vent I shall!! the woman is vile and I haven't reacted. I consider this an adult way to deal with it.
Bear this in mind I have a good relationship with his older 2 girls because they have a different mum!! I don't tread on her toes and she doesn't tread on mine. 1 of them is ill and I'm around I take them to the doctors and she's more than happy with that. To me thats how it should be, not this diabolical drama that has NOT been created by me.

Oh and the other kids she has don't see their dads either for similar reasons....they wouldn't dump their new families so she blocked access....THAT says it ALL

dignifiedsilence Mon 21-Jan-13 09:21:37

When you live in this type of situation you know how frustrating it can be so thanks to others for support smile xx

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