Double standards for the Evil Stepmum...long winge(72 Posts)
DSD8 and myself have been fine but occasionally DSD does make disparaging and hurtful comments towards me.
Tonight, after a stressful week at work and all day of ignoring said comments I did explode and say 'ENOUGH' in the KFC car park. DP then decided to throw his meal in my footwell and drive off.
It was trivial what DSD had said. Apparently my armpits need a lawnmower to get through them, (they don't by the way), but this had been said, at full volume around ASDA previous and it was wearing thin with me by then. DP did not pull her up about it, even though he does this if my DS14 or DD4 are rude to him.
He drove off, in true P'eed off man speed because as usual, I was just being a moody b**ch. He is now in bed after cooing over DSD and telling her that I have been 'hormonal'.
I am so sick of his pandering to DSD whilst chastising my children, (as the other adult in the house I believe he should be respected), that I am ready to walk.......tell him to F ......oh he can take the Fing dog as well.
I just don't get it...his parenting skills with my kids and we are on the same page.
Once a fortnight he turns into someone who I do not respect as a parent or a partner.
Crap parenting: eg: DSD8 eats with her mouth open and cannot use a knife and fork.
DSD8 does not eat ANY fruit or veg.....I will hide this in her food when cooking
DP finds it funny that both himself and DSD chuck McDonalds, or other litter out of the window of the car after eating, (I hate littering),. This probably explains why DSD does not pick up after herself.
DP / DSD will often spend the entire weekend in PJs. Usually eating sweeties.
DP/ DSD find it funny to PUMP in my face, even though I have told them I do not like it.
DP hates when my DD4 whinges and has a singy songy voice yet is completly hypnotises by his own daughter who has 'that voice' all weekend.
DSD has a rather strange fixation upon her Dad. Every fortnight her private parts are ' irritated' and she calls him up to the bathroom to apply Sudocreme.
DSD had a thing about only sleeping with DP on the sofa..I have now changed that but..he now has to put his t-shirt on her and then when he goes to bed, another one next to her.
In the morning they have to have 'bed time cuddles'. I have to be out of the room for this. This can go on for over an hour and DP can't understand why I get so P'd off when I am trying to get ready for the day.
DSD is great when she is just with me .......DP turns her into a blathering idiot and both her parents need to teach her some manners. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. I think that the double standards in line with what I expect from my children and the obvious 'can do no wrong' from DPs own child are going to cause many a night of friction in the future.
Creeepy! the cuddling and sudocreme tell me you need to leave him. Really, he's not well if he and his dd are acting like this. It is not ok. I assume she is 8 and you don't actually have 8 step kids? No ok at all.
eww! I'm getting the heebie jeebies just thinking about this situation. Leave him to her, and get out before the shit breaks open.
Why do you have to leave the bedroom?
I agree with Monsterchild, there are a few things you mentioned which made my skin crawl. I'm not sure why you are still with him TBH.
My DSD does the Sudocreme thing too.... She's 7. I think her Mum encourages it weirdly enough. I may be truly paranoid but sometimes I wonder if it's so Mum can later accuse my DH of something very dark if she needs too....
Anyway my DH doesn't oblige. When DSD asks he sends me up and I generally take one look and tell DSD there's nothing wrong with her and to stop whingeing. There's no way I'd vacate my bed so DH and DSD could have 'cuddles' either.
It sounds like you've put your foot down on some of the behaviour (well done) but in staying you're condoning a lot of it and the behaviour is VERY skewed no doubt about that...
Your DSD is going to grow up to be a very entitled and spoiled (unbearable) girl if your DP keeps pandering to her like this.
I can totally see why you're thinking about leaving...
DP is always saying how DSD is just like him....Pumping, (farting in yout face), manners, aggressiveness etc. As much as I can understand every girl does not like barbie, as I was a Tomboy myself I still believe basic manners and behavior are a must. As said previously, DP has been fantastic with my own 2 DC's,(4 and 14), yet seems to have such lax parenting with his own.
I could give a thousand examples but, when my eldest, DS14, starts to pick up on the difference, it really does it for me. DP and DSD are asw ever oblivious.
Sorry but that all sounds awful.
Haven't you pulled him up on the fact he treats his Dd so differently from your dc's??
Massive alarm bells ringing in my head here. How do you put up with this?
Separate cuddles and sudocrem? Creepy and, well, worrying to be honest. It's inappropriate. My blood is running cold. Just a feeling.
PUMPING in your face - wtf?
Rubbing sudocreme on an 8 yearold, private cuddles - extremely disturbing
Your priority should be your children and like you said your DS is noticing the double standard.
Time to give him his marching orders OP
I could not be in the same room let alone married to someone who thinks its OK to throw their rubbish out of a car window, that is vile, let aone all the other rather creepy stuff.
This is my first ever leave the bastard!l
Xalla It has only been in the last few months, after I told DP it was creepy having an 8 yr old in bed when I rolled over for a 'snuggle', that she has been told to knock and wait.
My own DCs have known this from day 1, along with 'never go in my handbag'. DSD will take money from my bag if left alone. DSD8 will also jump into my side of the bed as soon as I go to the loo in the morning meaning I then have to go downstairs. Sometimes the pre-morn cuddles can last an hour or so, this means I can't get dressed till then.
I have so many gripes esp: about his double standard parenting, which if alone would be rather rubbish anyway, that I can't fit it all on here and will have a mega step parent winge in the next few days.
There's a lot wrong here but it basically all boils down to your DP's Disney parenting of his DD.
Despite talking to him about it, he is ending up treating you like shit and refusing to change. If giving him clear examples (such as driving off like that) doesn't make him understand, I'm not sure anything will.
That's such an unacceptable way to treat your partner. I bet he wouldn't treat her mum like that in front of her!
I think you have to decide if this relationship is really what you want. Your DSD is of an age now where the way she treats you may well get worse in the coming years before she grows up and it gets better. Do you want to be treated like this for (potentially) 10 more years?
I can relate to some of the things you have mentioned. DP can be a bit of a Disney dad (was but is less of one now), we had a problem with double standards too.
He would discipline my DS but not his own, they had no manners, fussy about food, would get away with murder but the minute my DS stepped a foot out of line he'd get disciplined because we have set him rules and a discipline procedure.
At weeks all the kids come and get in bed with us so we have 3 kids (2 of his, 1 of mine) and a baby in the bed, I don't mind them being in the bed but I would certainly have an issue if I was told to leave the bedroom so they can have cuddles alone.
Things are now a lot better as we decided on some house rules and a discipline procedure for all the kids, i think it's really not right for the kids to be treated differently. I understand that when a father doesn't see his kids as often as he'd like then he doesn't want to spend his time disciplining them but Disney parenting doesn't do them any favours, in fact it's not really parenting at all.
It sounds like your DSD just wants as much attention off her dad as possible, I think that's quite normal but he's just encouraging it at the mo.
I think you need to discuss what should be accepted from all the kids, you can't have one set of rules for yours and another for DSD. If he won't change his ways then I'd leave him.
I also agree that some of the behaviour you described is just creepy
Leave him. He and his kids sound foul.
Putting sudocream on an 8 year old's bottom doesn't sound right to me. She should have charge of the sudocream herself at that age. Jumping in the bed in your place is natural enough but it's not on for your DP to allow it if you're not happy with it. It doesn't sound as if he values your feelings very much
If my DSC's had made comments like that to me they would only have been made once...
Wrong on so so many levels.
As a SM (and a SC) I would find much of this totally unacceptable.
Fine to the occasional bit of spoiling and cuddling, I'd pick my battles over food (have been there with DSD and my own DD to an extend). Tolerating any kind of back chat - no way whatsoever.
The sudocrem bit would make me uncomfortable, she could be doing that herself really.
Your DP needs to grow a spine and do some more reasonable parenting. However, I do think that ought to include time they get to spend by themselves.
I've never been comfortable with my DSC's coming in for morning cuddles either.
The more I think about it the more I think the sudocream thing is weird. DSD is 7 and she now gets shy about her body, likes privacy when she goes to the loo or getting dressed etc. I was the same when I was that age, I liked baths by myself and then my dad would just wash my hair for me.
I'm sure if DSD got a sore bum she'd be putting cream on herself, I think she'd have to be in agony before she'd ask DP to do it.
It sounds like she likes being looked after, being babied etc
Why are you with your DP?
I think your problem lies with him, not the child.
Are you certain he's not sexually abusing her? Even if she's asking him to put the cream on, she's 8FFS why does he do it?
The morning cuddles and the cream thing sound weird to me on their own the other behaviour would annoy the hell out of me and I wouldn't tolerate it!
He sounds like a knob and the litter thing is vile!
before you said about teh sudocream and secret cuddles i was going to tell you that you should end it with him as i couldn'tcope with the hypocrisy but after you revealed that i think i would be more worried about possible abuse! have you ever questioned why this happens?
Wtf? Run away very fast.
Him putting sudocrem on her privates is not ok. My dh would not do that for our 4yo, he would out the cream on her fingers and tell her to apply it herself.
Putting the mcd litter out of the window just shows that your dp is a shit person.
You are all acting as if the sudocream/cuddles issue is being caused by the child ? If all this is true OP, alarm bells would be ringing and I would be seriously concerned about the welfare of that little girl. Is she being abused by her father?
I agree nilelt, some of the replies here are pretty disturbing.
Sudocrem = weird. Secret cuddles In bed that other adults are asked to leave for = consider calling the police
Just because she appears to be instigating these scenarios doesnt mean she is. How do you know that Dp hasnt asked her to ask him to apply cream/ cuddles in bed. Dont want to be hysterical but ofcall the things I have read on Mn the secret cuddles thing really made my blood run cold.
I don't mean to add to all the hysteria but out of my 3 closest friends how many would you think have been fiddled with by a close family member?....all 3!!! A dad, an uncle and a BIL.
All I'm saying is it goes on A LOT more than most people think it does. I was friends with all of them whilst it was going on and I didn't know a thing and that really scares me.
Massive abuse alarm bells ringing here. :/
Mango you're not responding to the people who are telling you that there are MASSIVE red flags for an abusive situation here. WHAT are you doing about it?
"You are all acting as if the sudocream/cuddles issue is being caused by the child ?"
erm, what posts are you talking about?
"I agree nilelt, some of the replies here are pretty disturbing. "
and which posts are you talking about?
Mango are you ok? Have a talk with DP and maybe let him read this thread about how creepy the cream thing is and the morning cuddles? It doesn't sound right and could be something more serious?
"I agree nilelt, some of the replies here are pretty disturbing. "
and which posts are you talking about?
On my phone so not easy to quote properly but I'll try:
'It sounds like she likes being looked after, being babied etc'
No it sounds like she's being abused.
'Your DSD is going to grow up to be a very entitled and spoiled (unbearable) girl if your DP keeps pandering to her like this.'
'Leave him. He and his kids sound foul'
As well as the ones calling him a Disney dad and focusing on him dropping litter rather than the welfare of the child.
I don't know, I think it may be that the child is instigating it. I think at times, little girls can be very jealous of their SM's relationship with their Dad and then act out in (totally inappropriate) ways to compete with that relationship.
Sometimes I think that's what my DSD is doing.
What I find really worrying here though is that Dad seems to be encouraging the behaviour instead of stamping on it.
I agree with Chelsea btw Mango; consider letting your DP read this thread so he can see how others perceive his relationship with his DD.
I hope you're OK too....
This is a load of bollocks.
@thecat you mean it's not true ? Or people are over reacting? Or the dad is behaving inappropriatly? Which is it?
It's called covert emotional incest, Patricia Love wrote an excellent book on the topic, basically fathers wooing their children, out of guilt or loneliness, so called mini wives as it usually is a father daughter relationship, can of course be mother son dynamic as well. No need to call police here, I think, we had similar issues, I.e. dh getting looks as if "boyfriend" etc. we had some serious talks , read several books and are now going to counseling to guide him and us through this. Can be fixed if dads cooperate.
Kids getting in your bed in the morning for cuddles - normal (whether step- or bio-DCs)
You being forced out of the room for an hour - at best, just plain rude and disrespectful to you - at worst, sinister.
What would happen if you arranged a surprise activity that meant you all had to get up early? Eg no time for cuddles... How would he react?
I would leave this man in a second. I simply could not like let alone love someone who behaved like this and I am afraid I would have ripped his head off (figuratively) a long time ago re his "parenting" of MY dc.
He sounds utterly revolting.
i think it sounds very very dodgy. Scary
Do you think so thecat? Makes me so when I respond to THOSE threads !
xalla no. Little girls do not understand how to flirt you are disgusting for that comment about her instigating it...SHE IS A CHILD AND THEY DO NOT INSTIGATE ANYTHING SEXUAL.
Op did say dsd asks her dad to apply the cream, dsd is the one who wants op out of the room when she has cuddles.
Sounds like she is extremely jealous of her dads relationship with you op, it probably isn't sexual, she just craves dads attention.
If dp let's her get away with this there is problem, if I were you op, I think I would try to make sure welfare of dsd is ok then leave to be honest as dp probably wont ever change for fear of upsetting and possibly not seeing his dd.
Are you the poster who has ongoing problems with your partner and his daughter? Them ganging up on you, no respect for you, some weird dynamic between the two of them? Her personal hygiene, etc etc.
You post about it on a regular basis and then disappear again and pop up later with a variation on a theme having done nothing at all about it?
If this is you, then I'm sorry, but you're choosing this life. You're choosing to stay. Why do you do this to yourself? If you make the choice to stay in this situation, then you have to accept that this is your life.
If you can't accept that - then do something to change it.
What you can't do, is stay in this situation and moan about it.
You have to accept your choice.
mERRY Unless you understand the very complicated psychological problems that victims of abuse have, don't comment like that.
Her Dad touching her there is not ok...no...not even if she asks. He's an adult and a fool would know that.
I wondered that Hec.
On the off chance this is real, I can only echo what MrsMushroom said. Blaming an abusive dynamic on the victim, especially when the victim is a CHILD, is utterly repellent.
Boxy is real too. It's not that she's not.
It's that she chooses to stay in this really unhealthy relationship and just keeps coming back with the same thing over and over and over. Never takes in anything that's said and never makes changes in her life.
There's a limit to how much people can do that before they really have to just accept the life they've chosen.
I never used the word 'flirting'.
I don't think there's anything sexual about this child's behaviour; I think she's probably very jealous of her step-mum and in response to that is mimicing what she sees as intimate behaviour in order to compete; essentially I think she's attention seeking but the real problem is that her Dad is validating those behaviours. Which qualifies him as abusive.
That's my take on the cuddling anyway. I have a different explanation for the Sudocreme stuff based on my experience with my own DSD but I'll pm the OP to offer that as I'll no doubt get flamed for it on here...
So as for your accusation of me sexualising an 8 year old; right back at you.
It is not often that i have sympathy for step-parents, I am of the opinion that they made their bed...
In this case i think you need to grab your children and run for the hills. If you wont do that then FGS never ever have a child with this man.
I would also be worried about the sudocreme and cuddles. My ds 6 applies cream to his own private areas if he has a sore bum, showers himself etc and is very private about his body.
I think you have a duty to do something. Abuse happens because people turn a blind eye.
As an aside, my dp and I had issues with double standard parenting but after many rows I think we have finally got there.
What the hell is going on here op? Reading your op has made me feel very sick!
This is not right, its disgusting and disturbing to be honest. This needs knocking on the head asap. Dont stay in this fucked up situation
I'd dump him so fast his head would spin.
I agree with Xalla.
I think it can't be assumed that there is abuse going on here, especially as it is DSD who asks for the cream on and asks for OP to leave the room.
The dynamics of the relationship aren't right and the DP is mostly to blame for that but it doesn't mean that he's necessarily abusing her
Are you the poster whose partner buys you and his daughter the same underwear?
Her partner is allowing this to happen.
Her dsd could of been told thats its special time for them and therefore this child thinks its normal and doesnt realize its abuse so therefore instigates this special time innocently.
What xalla and poppy said mrs mushroom.
I've taken the time to read some but not all of your other threads/posts here.
Please please do not take some of the negative posts personally. Unfortunately people do take short cuts and come to conclusions without knowing even a fraction of the story, that's not your fault.
It's also not your fault after getting out of a very abusive relationship to want and deserve much much better.
It's also easy to after the above to really want things to work in a new relationship and maybe have glasses that are too rose tinted.
Hun I've think you have accidentally walked yourself into another horrid circumstance. Your "partner" should not be treating you and your DC's as he is.
IMO you need get out of this relationship as quick as is possible.
You also need to consider his abnormal behaviour with his DD and whether you need to get others involved be it her mum, state authorites etc.
I have a 9yo DSD who has been emotionally abused by her mum. She does crave cuddles and affection from her dad, v v understandable.
DSD, DP, DD and I all have a jolly good snuggle in bed in the mornings.
DSD is always on her dads side, DD on mine. No problem. If either DP or I tell the kids to leave the bed, they leave. No problem.
Your partner excluding you from your bed in favour of his daughter (with u on the sofa sometimes) sorry. That's no healthy way for her, you and him.
Please do the best you can x
Sorry but the cream and secret cuddles sound at best unhealthy, at worst abusive.
Hope you had a lovey x-mas coolmango just wondering if you have an update? R.E DP?
Totally inappropriate and Im also shocked at some replies [Xallas and those agreeing with her]
The child is 8 and whatever is going on here is solely down to her fathers parenting.
children don't flirt or instigate such things.
If this thread is for real, then some bad stuff is happening OP, stuff that is bigger than your marriage and that you as an adult have a duty to highlight.
It is not often that i have sympathy for step-parents, I am of the opinion that they made their bed...
What the hell does that even mean? I married a widower with kids. Did I do something wrong? What on earth is wrong with you?
As for "children don't flirt", that isn't exactly true...children do imitate flirtatious behaviour they have seen adults model. The adult response to it, of course, is the important thing. And whatever the circumstances here, it seems very clear that your partner's response to his daughter's behaviours (no matter what their motivation ro her level of consciousness about them) is inappropriate.
My dsd is 8 nearly 9. She has every now and then had bad "jealousy" attacks when she sees her dad cuddle me or kiss me or even rest his hand on my leg while we sit on the couch watching tv. She tells him to kiss her or scratch her back or stroke her hair or tells me to move over so she can sit next to both of us (meaning I can't sit next to him). We've dealt with this by explaining she's his child and always will be lived and cared for and special, and I'm his partner and also very special. But the best thing is she has an extra person to live her so she needn't feel jealous etc as her dad has a heart big enough for us all to be loved by him, and my heart is big enough to love him and her too. There's no need to compete.
I do feel disturbed by the OP. By all means parents should have "quality" time with their children. But the goings on in this case sound sinister.
*love not live. Darn spellcheck.
I should add my oh always insists my dsd take care of her own health and cleanliness and if she has any issues down there, she asks me for advice not him, if she's with us. Her own mum should be her first point of call. At 8yrs old it's highly unnecessary for her to need cream applied. And the secret cuddles?!?!? I shuddered reading that.
Creepy behaviour on dad's part. No way that would go on in my home. Children shouldn't have secrets of that kind. Even in all innocence, it could be used against him at some time.
i would not allow someone to fart in my face a second time - that would be the end of any type of friendship - let alone a flipping relationship
why would you want to be with a person that puts you down in this disgusting way and to make themselves feel funny/good
I did update but for some reason it hasn't posted. I will summerise: DSD is 10 not 8, sorry for confusion
1. had DSD from Xmas morning. Was supposed to be Xmas eve but impractical as busy. This will be 4th yr DSD has not spent Xmas with mum.
2. DP annoyed, understandably, as DSD coat on and at door Xmas morning as EW going out.
3. DSD went into meltdown as did not get everything on Xmas list. Did however get andriod tablet, keyboard, moshi monsters and around 20 other gifts. These were paid for by me as DP didn't get wage before xmas.
4. Xmas dinner spat out and thrown on floor as it was 'disgusting'. DSD wanted to go to chinese takeaway instead. DSD annoyed I insisted she get dressed and not eat in PJs.
5. Hid Sudocreme but DSD again meltdown till DP went and bought some more.
6. Rather nasty picking on DD3. DP actually told her off about this. DSD decided she wanted to go home and yet another meltdown when DP said no.
7. NYE outing cancelled as EW decided she was going out and DSD would have to stay till new years day evening. EW only contacted DSD NYE to ask about her xmas.
8. Should elaborate on the cuddles in bed. DSD will quietly sneak into my side of the bed whilst I am out of the room. DP usually falls back asleep after saying good morning. DSD pretends to be asleep but does usually smirk at me. I leave the room as I feel uncomfortable getting back in bed with her there. I am not actually 'told' to leave. An hour later DP has woken up and is on phone. DSD is still up there talking, singing or playing with toys. there is absolutely nothing abusive on DPs part in this I believe DSD is trying to 'assert' herself as number one and has a bit of jealousy. She is too immature to understand that DP loves me in a different way from her. Hour long cuddles have now generally stopped although DSD will now wake DD3 and send her into the bedroom first so I get up. DD3 does not do this when DSD is not here. DSd will leave room when asked now.
9. Asked DP to leave on new years day as I had had enough. Don't think the stress from Xmas helped.
10. After a long talk agreed to give it another go. Looking forward to this weekend. No DSD and DD3 away at her dads. We are going to spend some time together alone and try and work things out.
11. Informed this morning that DSD9 will be here again this weekend as EW going out. DP has asked me to change contact arrangements for DD3. I have refused.
So there you go, looks like I am in for yet another fun packed weekend. DPs EW seems to be arranging contact by 'stealth' and will get DSD9 to ring DP and say she wants to stay. DP and myself have heard EW in background coaching DSD on what to say, and yes this has happened during the week overnight previously as well. DP cannot say no and I understand this up to a point.
I am just so fed up with it all at the moment.
Wow. Your DP really needs to man up and be a better parent.
Erm, this all sounds very extreme. Why do you stay and put up with from these people? Nice for your children!
It does all make you sound very submissive to be honest. If I had spat out my Xmas dinner at 9 I would have been dispatched to an outhouse for an hour with my turkey to consider my crime. Then been grounded. And had to write a letter of apology to the family.
As for her taking up your bed - just refuse to get out.
And the Sudocrem screaming? Well? Make an urgent doctors appt for her if she is that uncomfortable.
I have to say you are in some way the architect of your own misfortune
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