would you expect to be invited to your DSC's nativity play?

(51 Posts)
madonnawhore Wed 19-Dec-12 17:13:21

Because I wasn't. And I feel a bit miffed about it as I've been quite involved in practising lines, sorting costume etc. Not sure if I'm BU to feel miffed though. What do you think?

clam Wed 19-Dec-12 17:17:43

Is there a 2-person limit per child, perhaps?

MirandaWest Wed 19-Dec-12 17:22:20

I think it would depend on how many tickets per child. At our school it is two per child and tbh I think if they are both able to go the child's parents should both go.

madonnawhore Wed 19-Dec-12 17:27:12

Not sure of ticket limit. DP took his mum. I overheard her asking him if there would be space for her to come and he said he was sure they'd be able to squeeze her in.

Maybe it wouldve been a bit much if he'd turned up with both me AND his DM. It just hurts a bit that I wasn't even asked if I wanted to go IYSWIM?

BoyMeetsWorld Wed 19-Dec-12 17:27:31

We didn't even invite DSs Real Dad to his (they have weekly contact, v good relationship). Poss because he lives quite far away. My DH (stepdad) & I went. Did you ask to go? ExP knew about it & if he'd asked I would have said yes...

madonnawhore Wed 19-Dec-12 17:28:35

DSD's mum also went I should add. So it was DP, DP's DM and his ex.

ImaginateMum Wed 19-Dec-12 17:30:32

Our school has a two ticket limit, but if there were no limit then it would be nice to be able to go. Did you mention it to DP?

madonnawhore Wed 19-Dec-12 17:31:18

No I didn't ask to go. Felt a bit weird like I might be muscling in or something.

I'm somewhat new to this SP thing and am very self conscious about how I should act in these sort of situations. DP doesn't offer a lot of guidance so I find myself doing a lot of second guessing!

NatashaBee Wed 19-Dec-12 17:32:41

If there was a 2 person invite I would obviously let DSD's mum and dad go. An invite would be nice otherwise though, it's usually me who does all the nagging about lines/costume sourcing/driving to rehearsals. Not sure who should take precedence if a grandparent wanted to go! I don't see why you couldn't all go.

EMS23 Wed 19-Dec-12 17:36:11

I've been with DH 8 years and this was the first time I have been. But that was because DSS's mum didn't want me there previously.
Could it be that? How new to it are you?

VBisme Wed 19-Dec-12 17:39:52

If there's a 2 person limit then no, otherwise yes, I love the school plays. smile

Jemma1111 Wed 19-Dec-12 17:40:17

To be honest if I were you I wouldn't expect to go to the play. These kind of things are special to a mum and I think it could look like you were muscling in, sorry.

Aspiemum2 Wed 19-Dec-12 17:42:20

Our schools have a 2 ticket limit but I always put in a request for spares stating they're for sp's. we've always got them so far. Dc's want my dh there and naturally their sm wants to see them too. The schools do 2 shows so dh and I go to one and exdp and sm go to the other.

nqtatwitsend Wed 19-Dec-12 17:47:35

Sorry - I think the whole 'special to a mum' stuff is BS.
IME its fine for me to make costumes, ease nerves, learn lines but not fine for me to see the play because it would upset the mum.
I hope that if our roles were reverses I'd be adult enough to put the children first and invite the step mum to acknowledge the positive role she plays in the lives of the children.
Hell will freeze over before my DP's ex does that.l and the only people really affected by it are the children (who are the only ones that really matter).

purpleroses Wed 19-Dec-12 17:50:10

I think I'd consider that I might be above the grandmother in order of preference, but your DH probably didn't realise that you'd have liked to have gone, and his mum asked direct.

NotaDisneyMum Wed 19-Dec-12 18:38:32

I've put DP down for spare tickets for DD's play in previous years, and I have been to DSS production when there has been room for me (in both cases, the DC's have been happy for their SP to be there).

But, I don't get involved in DSS costume prep, learning lines etc - that's up to DP to do if he chooses to, I wouldn't dream of getting involved - he's the parent, not me! Usually his ex does it all, anyway - DP would never get it right in her opinion, so she has to do it, apparently!

ImaginateMum Wed 19-Dec-12 18:40:49

Some men can be a bit dim, I wouldn't expect my DH to realise I wanted to be somewhere unless I asked.

PoppyPrincess Wed 19-Dec-12 19:39:00

There's a 2 person limit at DC's school, the hall would be rammed if both parents + step parents + 4 grandparents + 10 aunts and uncles + the next door neighbours + the family dog....you get my point.

I wouldn't be upset if I wasn't, it would be lovely if I was but I wouldn't expect it. I'd think that grandparents should get a place ahead of step parents.

bearymerrychristmas Wed 19-Dec-12 23:37:31

My step sons school just had their nativity and they have a 2 tickets per child rule. You can request more though and we were given one extra (for me).

My step sons mum didn't want me there, and was happy to say that quite openly, but he did two performances and she went to one and my partner and I to the other, so it made absolutely no difference to her whatsoever anyway.

Like those above, I also helped him learn his lines, made his costume (well, I went shopping for it and made one bit at home) and got it all ready for him etc, so of course I wanted to be there and he wanted me there.

2 tickets only - Mum and Dad though.

theredhen Thu 20-Dec-12 06:24:08

Next time you need to be very clear with your dp. Assuming their isn't a limit on tickets. You need to be direct and ask him if he can get you a ticket. If he says he doesn't think it's your place, then you must stop helping dsd with costumes and the like because you will end up consumed with resentment which isn't good for your relationship with either your partner or your dsd.

After all as notadisneymum says your dsd has two parents to sort out costumes, lines etc and if you are not going to be acknowledged by having tickets to the show then it's not your place to help out.

I've been to dsc shows but have never really helped out with lines or costumes.

Incrediblemeee Thu 20-Dec-12 12:07:43

Have been to lots of school performances but only because I was dragged there by dh because he could not bear to face ex and inlaws on his own! To be honest though, even dsc folks are sick of so many events scheduled by school or holiday clubs and at this stage there is a collective groan when dsc are offered main parts in plays etc... Own ds has fewer events to participate in as in different school, and being seriously objective here, the quality is better when not every crap bit learned in class is instantly put on display! No nativity plays where I live though, so maybe that is different for all concerned?

Fragglewump Thu 20-Dec-12 12:42:30

I've been a stepmom for 7 years and have never been to dsc school plays. Always assumed the tickets are limited. I've been to various school fairs and seen them sing in the choir etc. Also go to dance shows sports tournaments etc but usually only when it's our weekend with the kids. I wouldn't let it upset you but mention to dh that next time you'd like to go if poss!

Xalla Fri 21-Dec-12 05:36:18

There's a 2 person limit at my DSD's schools but they have always allowed extra tickets for SP if they have them spare and I've usually gone - DSD expects us all to be there.

This year though when we got there we found my DSD's Mum being turned away at the door because she hadn't handed in her form for ticket allocation. I ended up giving her mine and sitting in the car...

DH was not particulalry happy at having to sit next to his ex for the entire performance.... shock

HoHoHoHum Fri 21-Dec-12 06:29:18

This year I was the only one there! So yes, but we have residency & DSC don't see their Mum on a weekly basis, so a very different situation.

CatchingMockingbirds Fri 21-Dec-12 07:09:23

If it was a fairly new relationship (you say your new to being a step-mum) then no I wouldn't expect to be invited.

Bonsoir Fri 21-Dec-12 07:12:59

No, I don't think a stepmother's place is at a school nativity play.

EMS23 Fri 21-Dec-12 07:16:09

Bonsoir do you think that without exception? Is it ever a stepmothers place in your opinion?

Bonsoir Fri 21-Dec-12 07:18:37

I think that there are exceptions to everything in life. But, generally speaking, if a child has two biological parents in his/her life, there is absolutely no need for a stepparent to show up at school unless that stepparent is performing a function that a bio parent cannot. Attending a nativity play is not one of those functions.

Bonsoir Fri 21-Dec-12 07:20:47

As a stepmother, I do all sorts of helping out at home behind the scenes but it is for my DSSs' mother to perform public functions.

AnitaBlake Fri 21-Dec-12 07:24:14

I didn't expect to be tbh, and I wasn't. DSDs mum hates me with a vengeance, and I wouldn't want a scene to be caused. Its a shame because DSD would love me to go.

EMS23 Fri 21-Dec-12 07:34:23

Bonsoir, I don't think I agree with you. Not that it matters of course but I asked you the question so only fair I should respond.
I think my DH would be hurt if I chose to withdraw from certain aspects of my DSS's life.

And on that reasoning, wouldn't that mean Auntys, Uncles, Grandparents etc shouldn't go either?

Bonsoir Fri 21-Dec-12 07:41:33

I don't think it's a case of "withdrawing from your DSCs' life". I think that the boundaries of stepparenting are quite different to the boundaries of parenting and that, as much as possible, children ought to see their biological parents perform the public parenting role.

riverboat Fri 21-Dec-12 07:45:54

In the situation you describe, I think I'd feel hurt that it was just assumed I wouldn't be going and not even discussed or acknowledged that I might like to go.

If there were limited tickets and it came down to DP's DM or me, I'd defer to her.

If there were unlimited tickets, I'd be disappointed not to be asked.

But...have you met the ex before? If not, I don't think the first meeting should neccessarily be at school, its a bit intense. Same if any previous meetings didnt go well...

Bonsoir Fri 21-Dec-12 07:52:30

As a stepmother, it is best not to be hurt by anything minor to do with your DSCs! A thick skin is very useful.

EMS23 Fri 21-Dec-12 07:59:50

Bonsoir, I see your point and agree that children should have both biological parents. I wouldn't dream of taking mum or dads place but if they can both be there, what's wrong with stepmum and stepdad coming too?
So not in place of but alongside.

And I 100% agree about the thick skin!

Bonsoir Fri 21-Dec-12 08:02:42

Personally, I stay out of the public sphere and let my DSSs' biological mother perform that role. I don't feel the need to prove my worth to anyone and my DSSs, who are 15 and 17, have had me in their life for many years now and know that they can count on me for the nitty-gritty of life (far more than they can count on their mother)! And that is far more important to me than a public role.

UC Fri 21-Dec-12 09:37:19

Surely it depends on the relationships. I went to DSC's nativity with DP's ExW. We sat next to eachother.

NotaDisneyMum Fri 21-Dec-12 09:50:28

I'm not sure that attending school plays and the like is considered a public parenting function by everyone, though.

I don't give a damn about who else sees me, or knows who I am, but it is important that I offer the DSC support if they need/want it. That is why I have been to DSC events in the past - because I'm supporting them - not to display my role in a public place!

Bonsoir Fri 21-Dec-12 09:57:19

I don't see it as supportive to publicly display myself as their stepmother. Supportive is a behind-the-scenes function in my book.

Aspiemum2 Fri 21-Dec-12 10:01:36

Bonsoir I think you'll find that nobody at these functions gives a rats arse who you are. We go to watch our dc's, not ponder the family dynamics of their peers.
I'm pretty sure that my dc's stepmum went to enjoy the show and not to publicly announce her role!!

Bonsoir Fri 21-Dec-12 10:06:23

I disagree!

UC Fri 21-Dec-12 10:43:49

I don't really get where you're coming from either Bonsoir. My DSs and DSSs are lucky to have 4 adult role models in their lives - their DF, DSM, me and their DSF. Sometimes we are all at public functions together. All 4 of the children are at the same school, we often have a chat all 4 of us on parents' evenings. I think it's a good thing, and none of our kids will ever worry that their parents and step parents can't be in the same room - so no stress when they graduate/get married. My DSSs would be disappointed if I didn't go to things they were doing. All the kids just want us all to be proud of them. I would agree with you if it was a case of the SM taking a ticket instead of the DM.

Each to their own I suppose. If it works for you, then that's great.

NotaDisneyMum Fri 21-Dec-12 10:50:48

bonsoir unless you know all SM personally, you can't possibly know what their motivation is .

you've made it clear that you consider that being seen in public with your DSC is nothing more than a PR stunt and you would prefer not to do that.

it's just not possible for you to know that all SM think the same way as you do - and really, what are the odds that they do? wink

EMS23 Fri 21-Dec-12 10:57:56

Hmm, I don't think I've ever seen my attendance at something as 'publicly announcing my role' but I do recognise that in some families these dynamics can come into play.

I've been to them all, because my dcs and sdcs attend same schools, and are in same year groups! I'm there with dp, and sdcs mum is there with (usually) her parents - her dh doesn't take time off work, but I have no idea if that's through choice, I do know that dp wouldn't give a hoot if he was there though smile

madonnawhore Fri 21-Dec-12 13:40:35

I think it's a mixture of what riverboat said about me feeling a bit hurt about the assumption that I just wouldn't come. And what another poster upthread (forgot your name, sorry) said about DP simply not realising I might have wanted to be there.

In the end DP went with his DM and his ex went with her DM. So DSD's mum, dad and both grannies were there. Which is enough adults for just one child I reckon. If I'd have gone then one of the grannies wouldn't have been able to go and then it would've got a bit political. So I think DP just did an ostrich impression and didn't bring it up with me in case I said I wanted to go and then he'd have to either tell me no, or stand one of the grannies down.

I do sympathise with his predicament. Still feel a bit hurt though.

I went to DSD's nativity play this year. So did her mum's partner. Mum, her DP and her family went to the morning performance, DH and I and his family went to the evening one. Shockingly, no one killed each other. Even more shockingly, both DH and his ex appear to be reasonably secure human beings, who do not wrap their entire identity as parents around who shows up to see some kids sing about the baby Jesus.

It was unlimited tickets, though. If it was limited to two tickets and one performance, obviously mum would have gone and not me. But yeah, I did expect to go in the event of unlimited tickets, and I'm pretty sure DSD's effective stepdad expected a seat too. We're too involved at this point; DSD would be butt-hurt if either one of us begged off these things just because.

Viviennemary Fri 21-Dec-12 14:21:14

Well I expect it depends on how many tickets per child. I'm not a step parent but wouldn't expect automatically to be invited to a DSC's play. I don't expect you'd have wanted to sit next to your DP's ex in any case. I can see why your disappointed at not seeing the play but I don't think in the circumstances it was an unreasonable choice for them to make.

allnewtaketwo Fri 21-Dec-12 14:35:09

Lol at public display of role.

When u go to my own son's play, it's absolutely nothing to do with anything public, but solely to enjoy his performance and most importantly to see his little face light up to see me there because little children just love to have their family there watching them. It has nothing whatsoever to do with displaying my status

Aspiemum2 Fri 21-Dec-12 17:19:36

That's exactly it allnew, their little faces do light up when they see their parents and it puts a little extra into their performance. How sad to be so self involved as to think anything else is relevant

HKnight Mon 24-Dec-12 10:06:02

DH asked DSS10 if he minded me going to see his xmas concert. DSS said ok for me to go and DH arranged tickets. I think DH wanted me to be there more than i did. TBH i am probably a bit like Bonsoir I dont really see it at as my place to be there so dont place any emotional attachment to it.

I dont really know what is the right way to step-parent a child but DSS and I seem to be doing ok. I figured out a long time ago that the way to a mans heart is through his stomach so i just do all the cooking and stay in the background a bit when hes here. Im concious of not trying to force things. i

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